The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing
by Gone2Far
Summary: A story of Steve's painful journey to escape memories that may rob him of his sanity and his ohana's struggle to find him before it's too late. Strong warnings for chapters 32 and 36.
1. The Promise of Ash

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 1

**Hello again. Sorry but no cats in this one. It's darker than the other H-50 stories I've written. Hope you like it anyway. It's about three-quarters done and I will be posting regularly, (maybe twice a week), until I screw-up and get behind again. Until then, please feel free to tell me what you like or dislike about this new story. I have a sign over my desk that says _'Will Work for Reviews'_. I know - I'm a cheap date.**

**Disclaimer: I will have my imaginary way with them until the story is complete. Make no money from this or pretty much anything else.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

The Promise of Ash

The sun seared its way to his core. It burned away any pretense of life – cauterized and sealed off the imagined existence of cool darkness - of a place where life wasn't scorched and brittle – a place where promise didn't end in the ashes of the dead.

He'd seen too many people lose their precarious hold. Sometimes he'd pried away their grasp. He'd been at this for too long. Helped too many begin their journey with only the promise they carried within them. His only promises were those of the finality of death, of destruction . . . of ash.

What little he carried seemed to press him into the sand beneath his feet. Maybe it would just bury him, suck him down into Hell where he belonged. Maybe this _is_ Hell. It seemed so. There hadn't been anything to convince him otherwise.

The ground rolled and pitched. If he wasn't in the middle of a fucking desert, it would feel as though he was on a ship in the middle of a fucking ocean. Sky and earth were the same color - bleached to the whiteness of bone.

He was the only one left. The only one stupid enough to think there was a way out other than death. It had been a trap. One by one they'd been picked off – first by the enemy then by nature itself.

One by one he'd witnessed the essence of another waft away into the dry air - evaporate – poof - pupils grown huge and black until there was only a thin margin of iris to indicate who they'd been.

Maybe they, the dead, were right. No one was getting out alive. He was the only one foolish enough to keep going.

He looked up at the magnesium bright sky. There was only the sun now; no water, no earth, no flesh – the dead were right.

….

This time, his partner had been gone for over a month but at least, this time, he knew _why_ he'd disappeared. It was another one of those secret SEAL classified fucking ops. The ones about which, if he asked any questions, the answer would be only a mysterious smirk.

The blonde man still asked though, just to keep his hand in. Maybe someday he'd actually get an answer. He wasn't going to hold his breath.

He stared blankly at his computer screen before blinking back into the now. He sighed and decided the report was complete . . . well, as complete as it was going to get. He clicked the print icon and after a moment, heard the printer in the outer office hum and whirr then the sound of an eight-and-a-half by eleven ratcheting into the catch tray.

He wondered when they would go completely paperless. He knew it would save acres of forests but still didn't think it was a good idea. One incident of some stupid suicidal squirrel in the middle of bumfuck nowhere chewing through a wire on a transformer and the power grid would go down and domino all the others with it. Then where would they be?

Well, for one thing, they'll still be able to read this fucking report. Hah!

He retrieved his pages from the copier, signed them, stapled them together and dropped the whole thing into the 'out' basket for tomorrow. He'd just begun to pack up his things, his travel mug, keys, wallet, cell and Hello-Kitty lunchbox, (Gracie insisted he take it this morning because inside it she'd packed a special PBJ sandwich - a happy face of raisins carefully pressed into his favorite, totally unhealthy, white bread). He was a little surprised she'd actually entrusted him with her treasured pink and white lunch box. Kono thought it was cute while Chin only smiled. McGarrett, if he were here, would have had a field day. Detective Danny Williams had just taken a step toward the door when the phone on his desk rang . . . of course.

Williams was an old-fashioned kind of guy. Besides liking hard copies, he still liked a phone that was just a phone. It didn't have to take pictures or play games or download videos of people doing idiotic things, it just had to be a fucking phone that allowed him to communicate over distance with another human being.

Sighing, he ceased his mental mini-rant and picked it up, answering "Detective Williams".

"Detective _Danny_ Williams?" the deep voice on the other end asked in an official sounding tone.

"Speaking. How may I help you?" replied Danny equally as formal.

"I have Lieutenant Commander Steven McGarrett here. He would like to speak with you."

Danny felt a sudden unease. _Why didn't Steve just dial the number himself?_

He heard muffled words and then the sound of someone grasping the phone.

"Danny?" he heard an almost timid sounding voice. In just the one word was the sound of incredible pain.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**I know this was very short. Just trying to prime the pump for the next chapter which will be up SOON. Please let me know what you think of this meager beginning. Thank you for reading.**


	2. No Admittance

Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 2

**Here's another. Still not much Steve but not to worry. The queen of procrastination finally acquired a new laptop and can no longer claim 'the cat ate my homework', (no self-respecting cat would do such a thing though I did have one eat a paycheck once), so will be able to update at least twice a week.**

**Thank you so very much for the reviews, alerts and favorites! Wasn't sure how well this story would be received considering there is no furry piranha in it.**

**Disclaimer: If CBS ever wants rid of them, they can come and live with me. The animals won't mind sharing. Husband might have a problem with it but there are other husbands. Since I make no money from this obsession, it might actually be best to hang on to the one I have for the moment. I sadly remind you that only the mistakes are mine.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

No Admittance

"Danny?" asked the voice, tentatively, timidly.

"Steve?" It didn't sound like Steve. Steve always sounded so sure, so confident. How could this be his partner, a man who could make bad guys wet their pants with a glare or just a low growl. This didn't sound like that man at all.

"Steve! Are you okay? What's going on? What have you done this time?"

The tall man closed his eyes as the rapid words poured over him like hot buttered rum. It didn't matter what they were or even the speed at which they were spoken. Right now, the actual words didn't matter at all. It was Danny's voice: warm, real. At least he hoped it was real; it was sometimes hard to tell these days. The SEAL concentrated on the sound of it, mentally latching on as though it was a verbal life-preserver thrown into the ocean of confusion and doubt in which he flailed.

"Steve? Babe you still there?"

"I can't believe it's you." breathed the SEAL, clutching the phone so tightly he was in danger of crushing the plastic.

"It's me." replied the voice that carried more than a hint of concern. Steve's uncharacteristically enthusiastic greeting had thrown him off. It was odd; so unlike the cool, controlled man, he'd known for nearly three years. The only time Danny ever heard his partner so rattled was when Wo-Fat's name had come up. At Steve's end of the connection there was silence.

"Steven?"

"Danny, can you come and get me? Please?"

"Of course" answered the detective worried and mystified by the nearly childlike sound of the request. Steve sounded unsure if his best friend and partner of three years would actually come after him. Something was wrong, so very, very wrong.

"Where are you?"

"Quantico. The umm . . . Naval facility at Quantico. Please come and get me. They won't let me go home by myself . . . I don't know why . . . Danny, please."

Steve was sounding more distressed as the call wore on. _What the hell?_ thought the detective.

"Steven, calm down. Of course I'll come get you. Let me go home and pack and I'll be on the next plane out. Don't worry, it's okay, I'll be there."

"Danny . . ." there was a longer pause this time. The detective would have thought he'd lost the connection but he could hear rapid breathing on the other end ". . . Danny, I'm scared."

...

Physically, the flight was pleasant enough. The plane wasn't as packed as they'd usually been on his infrequent travels. The one that went from Newark to Honolulu almost three years ago had been jammed with snowbirds fleeing the nearly arctic weather for sunnier climes.

He grimaced as a screech that could shatter glass reverberated through the cabin. Though he loved children, the hyperactive kids and the squalling infants had made him start to fantasize about parachutes – not necessarily for himself.

The chime that preceded the standard announcement to fold and lock their trays and etcetera sounded and a couple of minutes later the pilot announced the temperature at their destination as a crisp forty-eight degrees at 2:18 P.M. Eastern Standard Time.

The information gave his stomach an extra little twist. He knew whatever awaited him when they landed was going to be difficult. He didn't know exactly what to expect but he couldn't ignore the request. Steve needed him and he needed to be there for the man who'd become like a brother to him in all ways but DNA.

He exited the jet-way and strode across the carpeted waiting area and out the gate to the down-escalator. It efficiently conveyed him to the floor that held the auto rental counter. Having brought only a carry-on, there was no need to go to baggage claim. He carried the bulky overcoat folded over his arm, glad he still had it though it hadn't been worn since that visit to his parents last year at Christmas. The heavy cloth smelled of cedar from the trunk in which it had been stored. Shrugging on the woolen garment as soon as he exited the sliding door, he quickly spotted the shuttle that would take him to the lot where his rental car waited.

He wondered how Steve was coping with the cool weather. His partner was a tough, adaptable guy but cold weather wasn't his thing. Danny thought there wasn't enough insulation on the man's lean body to keep him warm. Maybe that's why Steve didn't like it, and every time he came back from deployment; he looked thinner than when he'd left. Sometimes there were new scars too. He'd only get a vague answer, if any, about those but he'd have to ask him about the insulation thing. It had always been the blonde's theory that a couple of extra pounds is a good reserve for leaner, more stressful times. At least that's what he'd learned by watching Animal Planet.

Danny kept his own body in impressive shape but he didn't have the runner's build of his partner. He also didn't have those unsettling tattoos. He knew that most of the women who'd had the pleasure of viewing Steve without his shirt thought they were hot but Danny didn't think getting something he thought sinister looking permanently inked onto his body was something to aspire to . . . admiring females or not.

...

Quantico was huge and confusing. He finally found the office he sought. Before seeing Steve, he had to speak with Caldwell. It seemed the best thing to do. He hoped Steve wouldn't mind.

Knocking at the door, a deep voice bade him enter and he pushed it open. Seated behind the desk was a middle-aged man with coffee colored skin and short dense hair that looked as though it had been frosted by snowfall.

"Uhh, I'm Danny Williams" he announced himself, not quite knowing why his voice sounded so uncertain about his own identity. "I'm here for Commander McGarrett."

"Ah! You're right on time Mister, or should I address you as 'Detective' Williams?" Without waiting for an answer he continued, "I'm sure Steve will be happy to see you. He seems very anxious to get out of here." smiled Caldwell.

"How's he doing?" asked Danny, anxious enough that he didn't even hear Caldwell's question about how to address him.

Caldwell gestured to the metal chair in front of his desk. The no-nonsense desk was nearly bare except for what he assumed was Steve's file. Danny quickly seated himself and leaned forward in the uncomfortable chair.

"The commander is OK, considering what he's been through. I'd like to keep him here longer but I think he'd just 'go over the wall' if we didn't let him go home." laughed the man whose teeth were even and white below a salt and pepper mustache.

"Yeah, that sounds like him." Danny smiled in return but without any real mirth.

"I understand you two are close?" asked Caldwell.

"Like brothers." answered Danny sincerely. "Steve is my best friend and I'd do anything for him - as I know he would for me."

"That's good Danny . . . if I may call you Danny?" politely asked Caldwell, figuring that it would get to that point of familiarity anyway - considering the job ahead of them.

"Yeah sure, I've been called lots worse." he smiled back nervously, still not knowing why he felt so anxious.

"Your loyalty is admirable." said the tall dark man. Danny hadn't realized how tall Caldwell was until he stood up from behind his desk. He was probably about the same height as Steve but with several more pounds on his frame.

They walked out of the small office together and down the long, stark hallway. Danny felt his airline lunch begin to roil in his stomach. He took a deep, calming, breath and concentrated on centering himself as they walked what seemed like miles on the industrial grade linoleum tile.

The self-calming technique was actually something Steve had taught him months ago during Danny's 'issues' with Rachel about visitation rights when he'd wanted to punch a wall or maybe even get his hands around his ex's lovely, swan-like, neck. It had all worked out but things between them had remained tense for quite a while. They had other 'issues' to work out these days but it was a long story and one he couldn't dwell on at the moment.

They came to a stop at the large sliding doors that blocked the broad hallway. The ones marked 'Psychiatric Wing – No Admittance Without Permission'.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter if you****'re of a mind to share them. Next chapter wi****ll be up within four days or so and Steve will be very much present.**


	3. Taut Surface

Shallow Grave

Chapter 3

**Here's another slightly earlier than planned. Had to stop messing with it before I wrecked it. Thank you, thank you for the reviews, alerts and favorites. They make me feel like maybe I'm not entirely goofing off when I write, (though cats still can't understand why I won't let them sleep on the keyboard and husband complains about late dinners). Picky aren't they?**

**Disclaimer: Still haven't won lotto. Still make no money from this. Mine in daydreams only.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Taut Surface

They paused at the heavy sliding-glass doors before requesting entrance.

_It seems a little late to ask these questions now__.__ I should have brought them up when we were in the office. Maybe I'm just trying to get more time to adjust to seeing him in lock-up . . . again._

But this isn't like that time Steve was in Halawa. That time, he knew exactly why Steve was there. That time, there was hope for release. This time . . . _What am I going to say to the man? What is Steve going to ask of me?_ Mouth dry and stomach clenched like a fist, Danny grasped the doctor's arm to get his attention.

As the tall doctor turned to him questioningly, Danny blurted out, "Uhh, is there anything I should know before I go see him?"

Caldwell looked at him sympathetically. He could tell this was hard on the diminutive detective. He said in a reassuring voice, "Steve just needs to talk to someone with whom he's comfortable. He's very closed off right now, buttoned-up tight. I've tried to get him to talk to me but haven't been very successful. He needs someone he trusts."

Said Danny almost sadly, "That doesn't sound much different than he is usually. Steve's not the most chatty person I've ever met. Getting him to talk about anything that may be bothering him is like . . . well, it's almost impossible. He's a stubborn bastard."

Taking his hand back from where it had been poised over the intercom button, Caldwell turned and gestured toward an alcove they'd passed on their way.

Retracing their steps, they found a quiet place for the conversation that should probably have taken place in his office. He didn't push it at the time because he didn't want to spook the already nervous looking detective. His patient truly needed someone he could trust. His attempts at engaging the man had been mostly met with silence. The only reaction he'd gotten out of his patient were a few 'yes sirs' or 'no sirs' and maybe a couple of anxious gestures like compulsively rubbing his thumbs over his wrists or wrapping his arms around himself to stop from doing such things. He was like a coiled spring or a bottle of shaken carbonated water just waiting for someone to untwist the cap. The trick was to release it carefully and slowly so there'd be no explosion to harm anyone.

In the small waiting area with its well-used couches and chairs they settled-in for their talk. The doctor sat back comfortably as Williams - once again in the same posture he'd adopted when sitting opposite him in the office - leaned forward, elbows on knees and looked at him worriedly.

"To be honest Danny, even though that stubbornness is counter-productive right now, it may have been the only thing that kept him alive. They didn't think he was going to make it when he was found but . . . it's served its purpose and it's time to get him to let go of it and open up. That's, hopefully, where you can be of help."

Caldwell had previously told him as much as he could about what had happened without breaking the 'classified' rule. Danny knew that Steve had been found very close to death and transported to Germany before arriving in Virginia. A few days ago, he'd been transferred to the unit in which they sat.

"What exactly were his physical injuries?" he asked, already having been informed that Steve was the sole survivor of a group of six. There hadn't been anything on the news about it. _Just another fucking classified op__,_ thought the detective.

"As you may know, severe dehydration can lead to kidney damage among other things. He was on dialysis for the first week and a half. Even though he no longer requires it, we have to watch for any complications. We were hoping the electrolyte imbalance was one of the reasons for his other issues but that has proven not to be the case."

"His other issues?" anxiously questioned the blonde.

"The ones that aren't strictly physical" answered Caldwell tiredly removing the eyeglasses he'd donned when they'd left his office. He used his knuckles to rub at his eyes before continuing, "The antibiotics we're still administering for infection due to a serious but survivable knife wound and the result of what look to be repeated beatings should help him quite a bit. Physically, he's not yet entirely back but he's on his way."

Danny nodded silently to acknowledge the information.

"We've also been trying to encourage him to eat a little more than he has. He's probably lost a few pounds since you've last seen him. He should regain those in the next few weeks. There are some dietary supplements, vitamins, maybe a fortified protein drink with additional carbs that should help."

"Super SE . . ., err Steve" corrected the blonde, "usually tries to eat healthy stuff but he's kinda prone to going without eating if we get busy or something is really bothering him."

"It says in his file the commander has eaten very little since he's been back. We certainly don't want to force feed him and I seriously doubt he would tolerate any further I.V's or an NG tube. Maybe one of the first things you can do is to get him to start eating again."

"That probably won't be as easy as it sounds. He has very few, if any, food addictions and we've all tried to corrupt him but the man has convictions of steel and the self-discipline to go with it."

Danny smiled, remembering the numerous verbal sparring matches over Danny's own devotion to malasadas and coco puffs. Steve was always trying to get him to see the error of his ways just as Danny was trying to get him to 'walk on the wild side' as far as an occasional junk food feast.

"You sound like you know your partner pretty well. I'm sure you can get him to loosen up and talk to us. It would certainly help him."

"Don't hold your breath doc. We've been trying to find his 'chatty' button for two years, it may not even exist." grimly smiled the detective.

"But he will talk to you? I mean about something other than the weather or baseball scores?"

"He'll talk about baseball to humor me but, yeah, he's surprised me every once in a while by talking about something deeper but it's been rare. The only one he seems to regularly let his guard down with is my daughter, Grace. The two of them like to plot against me. Sometimes it's like having two nine-year-olds instead of just one."

"That's good to hear though it may not be wise to have your daughter around Steve right now."

"What?" a chill ran down Danny's spine, "He wouldn't hurt her . . . would he?"

"No, no. I'm sure he wouldn't intentionally harm anyone, particularly a child but . . . the flashbacks are pretty intense. He may hurt someone or even himself _unintentionally_. We just need to take it slow for now."

Taking in Danny's newly distressed expression, he said gently, "It's going to be a long, hard climb back to a healthy place for Steve. Are you sure you're up to this? We can keep him here if we have to. Please don't feel any guilt. I'll understand if you want to back away."

"Nope." said Danny with quiet conviction, "I'm in this all the way. If our roles were reversed, I know Steve would do the same for me, though I'm sure he'd say that _**not**_ talking isn't my problem." said the blonde detective who for the umpteenth time ran his hand through his carefully styled hair. "I can't abandon him. There've been too many people who've done that already."

"I understand he has no family other than a sister. Are they close?"

"Not very but that's mostly due to circumstance. I know he loves her but she has her own problems. He's always been the strong one for her . . . he's always been the strong one for everybody . . ." Danny's voice trailed off sadly.

"What about his friend, Lieutenant Catherine Rollins? He seemed worried that she'd find out he was here."

"I can't even answer that one to be honest. I think they probably have strong feelings for one another but their careers have kept them apart. I referred to it once as 'friends with benefits' and Steve didn't dispute the term. I don't think even he knows what to call it. I know I don't."

"Well, it's good to hear he's got a strong ally in you." nodded the doctor with sincerity. "With your help, he can get through this. Let's go see him, shall we?"

…

After Caldwell spoke into the intercom to identify himself and visitor, the intimidating doors whooshed open and they walked down another hallway - this one much shorter than the last. Halfway to the end of the corridor they came to a door with a sign over it that read 'Day Room'. The tall doctor and the not so tall detective entered a large open room that would be sunny if there had actually been any sun. With its oversized windows, it was still brighter than the space they'd stepped out of. Danny swept the room looking for his partner, squinting as it took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the change in lighting.

In the middle of the large space were a couple of guys playing chess at a game table. A few feet away, another man sat reading in a comfortable looking chair, his slippered feet propped on an ottoman. It took Danny a moment to notice chairs, tables and even the ottoman, (no matter how comfy looking), were fastened to the linoleum floor.

His stomach did another roll at the realization.

In a dim corner of the room sat a lone, dark-haired, figure; posture rigidly upright, head turned toward one of the large windows and staring vacantly out at the gloom.

Caldwell took Danny's elbow to guide him toward the man who seemed lost in thought. The doctor shepherded the detective forward, not letting go of his arm as if worried he would change his mind and bolt from the room. They were nearly to him and he'd not made any indication he even knew they were there.

"Commander?" greeted Caldwell, trying to get Steve's attention.

When there was no response, Danny took a step forward and said "Steven?"

The tall man flinched and turned his head. "Danny?" he greeted uncertainly looking as though he was trying to decide if the man before him was real or not. Then his expressive eyes widened and a slow smile blossomed on his too angular face. "You came!"

"Of course, you idiot. You called, I came. Nothing new there." smiled Danny, desperately wanting to hug his friend but not knowing if the gesture would be welcome right now.

Even during the best of times, Steve wasn't a 'huggy' kind of guy but the SEAL slowly stood and took a step forward, awkwardly lifting his arms to hold them out toward his friend. Danny took a step to close the gap between them and into the offered embrace. They stood silently, arms around each other for a long moment.

"I can't believe you're here." The SEAL breathed out shakily, the side of his gaunt face resting atop the shorter man's blonde hair as his arms tightened around his partner's shoulders.

Danny was actually a little surprised at the action. Steve wasn't of the warmest and fuzziest temperament. He rarely initiated hugs and would begin to squirm uncomfortably if they lasted longer than the minimum and certainly never so tightly and desperately.

The detective also noted that beneath the baggy sweatshirt were angles and ridges indicating the SEAL had lost even more weight than was evident by just his face.

"It's good to see you, buddy. You had us worried." said Danny, his voice almost comically muffled against the other man's chest.

"Sorta had myself worried." replied Steve; speech slower and more deliberate than was his norm. Danny wondered it was due to drugs or something else.

They broke the embrace and stood back to evaluate each other.

The man was nearly the poster child for the word 'unwell'. Dramatically thinner than when he'd last seen him over a month ago and with bluish hollows under eyes and cheekbones his skin appeared nearly translucent. There were other changes as well.

The man drove himself and others at dizzying speed most of the time, but this Steve was different: slower, milder, almost unsure in movements that in the past had been all about confidence, power and grace but now seemed timid, hesitant and awkward. This alarmed Danny almost more than anything else.

"Where's your tie?" asked Steve, sounding genuinely curious.

"Haven't worn one for a while Babe. You finally bullied me into saving it for special occasions." smiled Danny, startled at the observation. He actually hadn't worn one for months before Steve had even left.

The SEAL looked surprised, maybe even a little distressed. "Oh, yeah. I forgot." he mumbled.

"No worries. It made Chin and Kono happy. Gracie didn't seem to mind as long as I promised to wear her favorites every once-in-awhile for ballet recitals and dinner out – even if it's only for pizza. She's been pretty busy lately. We have quite a few things to catch up on when we get back."

Steve only stared blankly back at him. Before, he'd have been asking Danny for updates about the little girl who called him Uncle Steve. He also hadn't asked any questions about Five-0's cases. McGarrett was a nearly infamous control freak, (or at least Danny thought so). This new passivity was unnerving.

"Commander? Steve?" asked Caldwell, getting the tall man's attention on the second try. "Why don't we go back to your room so we can talk a little and tell Danny what's been going on with you? We need to make plans for you to go home."

"Home?" asked Steve with the expression of an eight year old who'd been given the keys to Disneyland.

"Yeah, home Steven. You know the land of lava, ferocious humidity and those freakin' pineapples." smiled Danny.

"Home?" repeated Steve as if not believing it would happen or the place even existed.

"Come on, babe." said Danny, putting a hand on his partner's shoulder, "Let's go talk about breakin' outta this joint."

"Great. That's great, Danny." said Steve with a dazed smile before turning to lead them toward a door that opened out onto another long hallway. Walking slowly, Danny's hand never leaving his partner's shoulder they, finally, came to a stop in front of a door with a small window in it. It was like several others along the corridor. Its only distinction being the number seven stenciled in black paint above the window.

The ten by ten inch window was made of glass but it was the kind that was thickly made and had what looked like chicken wire embedded into it.

"This is, uhh, my room." said Steve gesturing Danny and Caldwell toward the door he pulled open for them. Danny was relieved it wasn't locked. It would finish breaking his heart to find that his friend was locked into a room in an already locked ward. It had to be humiliating for Steve to even be in such a place. The detective's gut churned-on.

They entered a small room sparsely furnished with a bed and nightstand. The lighting was provided by a fixture set into the wall over it. It too was covered with what looked to be indestructible material. A small footlocker was placed at the end of the bed. Danny would bet a week's pay that it was fastened to the floor.

On the far wall, the large window that let in the weak late-afternoon light was made of the same material as the window in the door. On the wall to the left was a doorway that Danny assumed lead to a bathroom.

There was nothing to personalize the space. It was bare and sterile, its only hint of color were the bright red disposable plastic cups that sat next to a yellow plastic pitcher of water on the nightstand.

_This looks like a prison,_ thought Danny,_ it's no wonder Steve wants outta here so badly._

Caldwell announced, "I'll go get a couple of chairs, be right back." and hurried out the door that clicked shut behind him. Maybe it was only the self-closing mechanism that made the noise but Danny suddenly got a horribly claustrophobic feeling as he realized it may have locked them in.

"So, uhh" began Steve, not seeming to notice his partner's alarm, "You want some water?"

There was absolutely nothing else in the room to offer in the way of hospitality.

"Yeah, sure." answered Danny, "My throat _is_ kind of dry right now."

Steve went to the nightstand and carefully poured water into one of the cups, movements slow but unshaking and extended the plastic tumbler to his partner. "Have a seat, D."

Taking the cup, Danny sat himself down on the edge of the small bed covered with a dark navy bedspread. He almost didn't want to sit on it, seeing how neatly and tightly the covering was stretched over the mattress. No matter how his friend was feeling, neatness was still ingrained in him from his years of service - not to mention what his partner considered the man's own natural OCD tendencies. Danny was sure one could bounce a quarter off its taut surface.

Steve stood looking at him, waiting for his friend to begin a conversation. Danny obliged.

"No offense, Babe but you need to change decorators." he began, gesturing around the small room with the cup before taking a sip.

"It is kinda plain." agreed Steve looking slowly around the space as though for the first time even though he been here for nearly two weeks.

"Plain?" repeated Danny, beginning his usual expansive gestures. "Plain is vanilla, plain is a hot dog without relish, plain is Camilla Parker-Bowles. This is . . . " paused the blonde man, searching for another example of the adjective.

"A cell?" supplied Steve, turning his head toward his friend to look him unblinkingly in the eye.

"Uhh, yeah." said Danny uncomfortably trying not to squirm on the precisely made cot.

"I know." nearly whispered his friend sadly, repeating again even more softly, "I know."

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Please review if you're of a mind. I'd very much like to know your thoughts. Next chapter up in four days.**


	4. One Tough Bitch

Shallow Grave

Chapter 4

**Here's another. This one is short and to sort of make up for its brevity, I'll try to post the next chapter a little sooner than the four day interval.**

**Thank you all so much for your reviews and comments on the previous chapters. At the moment, they are the high-point of my life, (is that sorta sad or what?)**

**Disclaimer: Don't own them but if I had a nickel for every time I fantasized about it, I'd probably be able to buy them outright.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

One Tough Bitch

Steve, Danny and Dr. Caldwell sat for what seemed days, hashing out what was needed before he'd allow Steve to be released to Danny's care. There were several things to which both partners had to agree.

Steve was to see someone at Tripler for physical as well as mental care. Danny knew Steve was in a bad way both for his dazed demeanor and for so readily agreeing to show up at a hospital of any kind - never mind the cooperating with the shrink part.

During the conversation, Caldwell revealed that Steve had been given several different medications; some for his physical recovery, some for his mental. There were antibiotics, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sleep medications. Most were familiar to Danny or he'd at least heard of them. The last one rattled off by the doctor wasn't one he knew.

"I'm not familiar with that one, doc. What's it for?" asked the blonde.

Before the doctor could even answer, Steve spoke up, "It's an anti-psychotic, Danny."

The detective looked into his partner's dark hazel-blue eyes. Steve stared back at him unblinkingly, almost defiantly, as if waiting for the blonde to make a remark of some sort.

Danny looked from Steve to Dr. Caldwell who'd noted the unspoken exchange and said, "It's only temporary. Just until Steve gets a better handle on things. Right now," he nodded toward his patient, "It's difficult during the flash-backs to tell what's real and what's not. These episodes can be incredibly intense and one's body reacts as though it is a reality rather than a remembrance of a traumatic experience."

Steve only nodded silently in agreement looking ashamed of it all . . . of himself.

Danny recognized the look. The 'I know I'm fucked up and pathetic' expression he'd seen Steve exhibit on rare occasion. His face usually displayed what people assumed was arrogance but was only absolute confidence in his own abilities. Danny knew the confidence was well-founded. Steve is his country's ultimate warrior.

Other than Danny, very few people would ever know that those times when something had gone sideways on a case and someone had been injured, Steve always blamed himself even though he may have had no control of what had gone wrong. His partner could go from BAMF to abject wretchedness in zero to sixty when he felt he'd failed to protect those for whom he was responsible . . . which was pretty much everyone Danny had realized after working with the man for only a couple of days.

The detective recognized it immediately. Though his partner liked to pretend he was inscrutable, to Danny the man was as easy to read as one of Gracie's old first-grade storybooks with emotion spelled out in twenty-four point text and illustrated in primary colors.

It was like they'd known and been there for each other forever, though it was less than three years since Five-0 had been formed and they'd begun their sometimes rocky friendship.

The meeting wore on as the oblong square of light that reflected through the window onto the speckled linoleum grew longer and then vanished as Caldwell stood and switched on the lamp over the nightstand.

They reviewed the things to look for and what might trigger an episode. They went over the med schedule and dosages. Steve looked uncomfortable through the entire process. He was used to being in charge, the one giving the orders. _This shouldn't even be happening_, he thought dully.

Caldwell wanted to hold a couple more psych sessions before Steve was released to go home. The others hadn't been all that productive but with Steve's permission for Danny's solid presence, perhaps it would help ground his patient enough to be more forthcoming. There was a session scheduled for the following afternoon.

Danny stayed awhile to visit after Caldwell, finally satisfied everything had been covered, left. The blonde man chatted of familiar things: Grace's progress at school, what the cousins were up to, Kamekona's latest business venture - just comfortable grounding subjects. Steve listened silently, nodding occasionally and maybe offering a brief smile here and there.

It was completely dark outside the window when Danny finally stood from his folding chair and stretched stiffly; actually hearing his vertebra and joints pop and crack in protest in the silence of the little room.

"Babe" he said to Steve who sat opposite on the still neatly made bed where he'd perched for the last few hours. _How does he do that? There's not even a wrinkle in it!, _thought his partner. "I've gotta go check-in at the hotel before they give my room away. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Just a couple more things and then we can get on a plane and blow this pop-stand, okay?" Steve only nodded silently.

The detective took a step toward the door, (it required only the single stride to reach it), and grasped the handle to pull it open. It wouldn't budge.

Steve's voice from behind him quietly said, "It's locked, Danny. It must be after eight. They lock us in after eight P.M. We'll have to call someone to let you out."

Flustered, the blonde turned toward the man sitting calmly on his bed. He didn't know how to respond to the obvious. Softly he said, "I'm so sorry that you had to stay here and that I couldn't come to get you sooner. We'll fix this. It'll be okay. You'll see."

"The intercom's there to the right of the door." said Steve not able to look Danny in the eye; body posture the very depiction of shame. "Just press the button. Someone will answer in a minute."

Danny sadly observed the man who sat quietly staring at the linoleum. "Steve, babe, please believe me. You will get over this. I'll help you. Your ohana will help you. We'll get through this together. You've been the rock for us for so long. Let us be your rock now."

"Yeah" was all Steve said, silent tears beginning to slide down his face to fall onto hands folded in his lap. Taking a quick stride toward him, Danny firmly gripped Steve's shoulders, feeling him flinch but not move away. He moved a hand under his partner's chin to raise his face upward so that he could look him in the eye.

"This will get better Steven. You'll be back to being your badass self and running Chin and Kono and me all over the island again to round up the bad guys. Honest."

There was no response other than Steve futilely trying to blink back the tears continuing to trail down his gaunt cheeks.

"Like Scarlett O'Hara said babe 'tomorrow is another day' ", Danny smiled downward at his friend.

Eyes glistening as he pulled away from his partner, Steve responded in embarrassment, "D, I'm not a southern belle trying to win back her man."

"Maybe not babe, but like Scarlett, you _are_ one tough bitch." grinned Danny as he patted his partner on the shoulder one last time and went to press the button on the intercom.

Behind him he heard a small chuckle from the man on the bed.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter. I'm sorta treading water with the subject. Thank you all so much for your alerts and favorites. I sincerely hope that I will continue to deserve your support.**


	5. No One Gets Out Alive

Chapter 5

**Here's the promised update. I hope you like it. There are some very small clues as to what happened to Steve in this one. Your reviews and comments have been overwhelming. Thank you so much. I hope it continues to hold your interest.**

**Disclaimer: Husband would be happier with my mental absences if I made money from this. Still don't. Cats don't give a rat's ass, (actually they'd be happier with the back-end of a rat than money but - they're cats).**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

No One Gets Out Alive

He was going home! Albeit with a shitload of meds both already in his system and in the small nylon tote that Danny carried but, he was finally out of here. They'd have to fly from Dulles to O'Hare first but it was the beginning of the journey.

Apparently Caldwell was satisfied Steve wouldn't freak and cause mayhem on the citizens of Maryland, Illinois, (they had that brief stopover in Chicago), and eventually, Hawaii. For the moment, both Steve and his doctor trusted Danny to make sure of it.

Steve would do his best to keep it together. He'd learned what some of the triggers are – not enough rest, low blood sugar, stress. In the past, these things were all part of his normal life. He guessed 'normal' was the operative word here. Maybe he'd never be that again. Maybe he'd wind up like some of his former brothers-in-arms. From the way he'd felt even a couple of days ago, it was a definite possibility.

There was Freeman who'd become a paranoid hermit in the mountains of Tennessee. There was Guarnieri who was probably, at this moment, wandering the streets of New York City looking for a steam grate on which to camp. Then there was Holden . . .

As they waited at the entrance for the cab to take them to the airport, Steve looked up at the sky. Even though it was covered by a thin layer of haze and observed through the haze of his current meds, it looked wonderful.

He breathed in the crisp air and stood for a moment just enjoying being outside. In the two and a half weeks of what he considered incarceration, he'd been out only twice; the first time during transfer from one unit to another when he'd been taken into the building on the very steps of which he was now standing.

At the time, it reminded him of entering Halawa during the Jameson thing. The same feeling of dread - the feeling he was never going to leave unless it was feet first.

The second time was one night when he suddenly found himself outside, not knowing how he got there. His knees and palms were scraped and bleeding, knuckles bruised and swollen. There were several very pissed looking nurses and a couple of worse-for-wear orderlies with cuts, scrapes and bruises of their own who'd eventually found him quietly sitting on a bench under a tree. It was pretty confusing.

After that, everything was even more blurred. Whatever drugs they gave him knocked him on his ass. He felt as though he'd been wrapped in layers of cotton and gauze with every thought dulled and hard to form, every sense deadened. He supposed he couldn't blame them. It's what you did with dangerous animals – you locked them up or sedated them or sometimes just put them down. He understood.

…..

2 Days before Danny's arrival:

The sessions with Caldwell were mostly silent. Steve would answer some of the direct questions that required no particular thought, just statements of fact. There were things he couldn't remember – lots of them; pretty much the entire previous month.

The only time he got glimpses of what had happened was in nightmares – or at least he thought they were nightmares. He'd be screaming and then he'd feel a sting on his arm or his hip and then . . . nothing.

He knew he should feel embarrassed about it but after those times, there wasn't much feeling at all; just that all-encompassing numbness. During one of the nightmares or whatever they were called, he awoke with blood dripping from his hand. They told him he'd cut himself on a glass but he didn't even notice until they'd pointed it out. He hadn't felt anything. Maybe it was best that way. Maybe it was best to feel nothing: neither heat nor cold, neither happiness nor sadness . . . just . . . nothing.

Caldwell told him perhaps it would be good to talk to one of his friends. Steve hadn't thought about it. He hadn't thought about the people who'd probably not even missed him. They were nice people but they seemed so far away; both physically and emotionally. They had no idea. They never would. He'd never tell them. It was for the best.

"Commander?" said Dr. Caldwell, waiting for Steve to look at him. The good doctor was never quite sure when it was okay to touch the man; place a hand on his arm or tap him on the shoulder to get his attention.

Sometimes, there'd be no response at all to touch. Sometimes it would cause an almost explosive reaction when it triggered the fight or flight reflex. For the moment, it was best not to touch him at all.

Lieutenant Commander Steven J. McGarrett wasn't the first patient who'd reacted that way. Unfortunately he probably wouldn't be the last. PTSD and ASD were common disorders among the military. For some, it was temporary, for others it would become a lifelong challenge. He hoped that wouldn't be the case for this patient. He'd accomplished so much, done so much for his country. It would be tragic for everyone if he were to remain locked in his nightmares. Caldwell himself had gone into the profession to reach people like this young man but some, tragically, were just unreachable.

Steve slowly turned his head to look at the coffee-hued man. He seemed nice enough but that didn't mean he'd find out anything. That didn't mean he was going to tell him about the screaming woman.

"Sir?" asked Steve looking back at kind brown eyes as he struggled to focus and find out what the man wanted from him.

"I asked if you want to call Detective Williams. He's listed as your next of kin. Would you like to speak with him? I'm sure he must be worried about you by now."

"Uhh, yeah, I mean yes sir. I need to speak with him. I have to find out what's happening with my team. I should be getting back there. It isn't right for me to be away for so long."

"We talked about you going back to work. I'm afraid that can't happen for a while. Not until we find out what's bothering you and resolve it. When we find that out, maybe you can go back to work after you've rested."

"I don't need to rest. I need to work."

"Believe me, it's not what you need right now Steve."

McGarrett only stared back blankly. He knew they wouldn't let him leave yet. Maybe they'd never let him leave. If that became the case, he'd find a way out. He was well-trained for such things. If they wouldn't let him go, he'd find a way out. It didn't have to involve actual escape. It wouldn't even hurt. Other than the need to not be here . . . he felt nothing.

"After we're done here, let's give Danny a call. I'm sure he'd be happy to hear from you but first, we've got work to do."

Steve only nodded in agreement. He understood what the man wanted. He would cooperate as best he can but some things would remain unspoken. If he said them aloud, he could never leave here; the desert would keep its secrets - the ones buried in their shallow graves.

"Let's try again to remember what happened in the desert. When you were found, you were severely dehydrated. You'd been wandering by yourself for quite a while. What do you recall?"

"Not much sir. It was hot and bright and there was no water." The SEAL's face tightened suddenly as if a flash of something came to him. The shrink noticed the change in expression. It was subtle but it was there.

_There was a hand, a woman's hand. It held an apple. The hand was delicate, long brown fingers, short trimmed nails. The apple wasn't one like those in the supermarkets back home; the big, juicy, red ones with shiny skin and perfect shapes. It was small and mottled. It was hard looking, like the place itself, like the people who had lived and fought here for centuries. There was a scream and she was gone._

Suddenly, there was Caldwell's concerned face in front of him, "Steve, where did you go right now? You looked as though you remembered something. What was it?"

"An apple. I remember an apple." said Steve calmly, voice revealing not the slightest bit of any emotional value placed on the image.

"Was it on the ground? Was it in a tree? Where was the apple?" asked Caldwell. The doctor knew that small scenes like this would often lead to others. It was like teasing out the end of a tangled ball of twine. Eventually it would unravel.

"There was a woman's hand holding the apple."

"Who was this woman?"

"I don't know."

"What else was happening when you saw this woman holding the apple? Can you recall any sounds or smells? Anything that would indicate what was going on?"

"No, nothing." said Steve now becoming agitated; shifting uncomfortably in his chair.

As far as Caldwell was concerned, even agitated was better than the absolute blank wall he'd usually see whenever he questioned the young man. He didn't want the questions to trigger another break but they were getting nowhere in these sessions that usually consisted of total silence or conversation of things too mundane to give any real clue or make any difference. There'd been no progress to speak of.

From his phone conversations with Detective Williams, the doctor had learned that McGarrett, even normally, wasn't the most talkative of people. He kept pretty much everything close to the vest. It wasn't unusual with military personnel who had the job he did. They were people highly trained at compartmentalizing their thoughts, their physical senses – pain of any kind.

Sometimes that skill caused problems of its own. Some of them, like McGarrett, were so very good at it with walls so thick and carefully constructed that it became a prison of their own making. Keeping everyone out and everything in, eventually, they'd just implode.

"No one came back?" asked the dark-haired man suddenly as though remembering for the first time. This was the one question repeated at nearly every session.

"No, you were the only one who made it back." said Caldwell gently, confirming the fact.

"Oh, okay. I remember." McGarrett nodded his head slowly as if processing new information. The doctor only sighed. This was like a movie on perpetual replay where scenes were repeated over and over with no varying result.

"May I go now?" politely asked the young man as though he was a boy asking permission to leave the dinner table.

"I'd like you to stay a little longer. We've only been here for twenty minutes, Steve."

"Oh, okay." said McGarrett.

He thought they'd been here for hours. Time didn't seem to be registering in the usual way for some reason. He'd always had an excellent internal clock but even that was fucked-up right now. The tall man slumped silently back into his chair, staring at the floor and waiting for another question he may or may not be able to answer. It didn't matter. He had nowhere to go. No one was getting out alive.

….

_There was sand all around them: in their hair, on their clothes, in their eyes and noses, clogging their machinery and weapons, it was even in their food most of the time. This whole fucking country seemed to consist of it. The parts that weren't made of rock that is._

_The hostiles had shot up another village. Killed most of the men, attacked the women. Even the children weren't safe. If they got in the way, they were cut down with the rest._

_They'd been hunting the group for a week. Intel had directed them to the remotest part of a remote territory. Steve had no idea why anyone would even want to fight over this piece of ground. There was maybe a stark beauty to it by the very nothingness of the terrain: no trees, no greenery, nothing for miles but rock and sand . . . maybe it was all they had. There were few material things over which to fight._

_He supposed it had started thousands of years ago as a tribal thing. It was still tribal now only with rockets, carbines and IEDs instead of knives and swords._

_Parkman and Rodriguez had taken lead. Steve and Heidegger were covering the rear. They'd trade off every so often just to break up the monotony. The six of them were getting pretty tired of chasing the bastards across this fucking nowhere of a country. They'd come close a couple of times, even bursting into a camp with half-cooked food still on the fire; their target melting into the night right ahead of them._

_There was supposed to be another encampment that was base for a larger, more organized group. It would mean a bigger battle when they finally caught up with them but they were prepared for that._

_Parachuting into this place without anyone observing their aerial arrival couldn't keep it a secret. They'd been made even before the plane had taken off. Even before their arrival, someone had warned their target of their coming. _

_It didn't matter. They were trained and seasoned, prepared to do whatever was required to take out their target . . . but all the training in the world hadn't prepared them for what was to come._

…

When he awoke, he was lying on the floor, bedding pulled down with him. One of the orderlies, the biggest one, was there along with Ensign Leslie. She had the syringe ready. He felt the sting on his hip and shortly, the walls seemed to waver and then began to dissolve and drip slowly downward as though liquefying. He watched in fascination as the seemingly solid surface melted into the darkness that waited for him.

Then, there was nothing.

…

The present:

Having turned in the rental car two days earlier to save a couple of bucks, they waited for their ride. Danny knew Steve would reimburse him for any expenses but it may be awhile before such realities could be brought up. The hotel and the plane ticket had put a serious dent in his budget. Their return flight had been booked using Steve's credit card. Danny had called Kono to have her arrange it.

The taxi pulled up in front of them. Danny smiled as the cabbie got out to stow the carry-on and Steve's duffle in the trunk and Steve waived him off and hefted it in himself. Danny clutched the other small piece of luggage tightly as though the nylon bag contained the crown jewels and climbed into the back of the cab. Steve stood gazing up at the building in which he'd stayed for the last few weeks.

"Steven, get in before we have to come up with 'standing-time' money for this cab ride. I know you're more than willing to get outta this place."

McGarrett took one last look at the imposing building he hoped to never again enter. Never again . . . he'd make sure of it one way or another.

The taxi sped off, taking its passengers to the world of the living.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**I would much appreciate your thoughts on this chapter. I was trying to make Steve slowly aware of the outside world again. Is it going too slowly?**


	6. Before the Deluge

Shallow Grave - Chapter 6

**Here's the next. A little more excitement in this one. I can't tell you how happy your reviews, alerts and favorites make me! Thank you for the feedback on the slow unfolding of the story. I very much appreciate your opinions.**

**Disclaimer: Still no money made from this pastime. Cats resigned to it. Husband not yet giving up.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Before the Deluge

Night had fallen quickly. Danny had forgotten what it was like; how there seemed to be no prelude to the darkness in wintertime. One moment it would be bright enough to read the fine print on a used car sale contract and the next you were looking for the light switch. At home, there would be warning of impending night. The sky would band with color before the sun sank below the horizon.

_Home? _Thought the detective startled at what he considered an unconscious faux paux. _Since when had that smoking piece of lava become home?_

It suddenly occurred to him that he hadn't thought of Jersey as home for a while now. 'Home' was his daughter, his job, his Five-0 family, even his wreck of a partner.

He glanced over at his restless friend. The hubbub of the crowded airport seemed to agitate him. Steve had taken his two-milligram dose of Ativan without protest before they left Maryland and it wasn't yet time for another hit.

Two days ago, in hope it would make Steve more responsive, Caldwell had lessened the dosage of the anti-anxiety drug that has a strong sedative effect. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of the drug is memory issues. The compassionate doctor was of the opinion that, with Danny around to run interference if needed, there was no need to keep his patient in such a zombie-like state. The detective was glad to feel the small vial of pills rattling around in his pocket. The doctor said if Steve got too stressed or anxious, to give him another two milligrams. Normally, it would have been impossible to get his stubborn partner to agree to any additional medication but Steve had given his word he would take it if needed.

In the small nylon bag was the other bottle of medication. Caldwell had pressed it into his hand silently as they left the hospital; a handwritten note regarding usage, dose, side-effects, etc. along with it. On the small bottle itself, was only a manufacturer's label. At the time, Danny couldn't question it but he'd have to have a talk with the doctor. As soon as they reached home, he would give him a call. _Why is it that anything to do with his ninja-SEAL partner was always so secretive and obscure?_

Just then, a deafeningly loud clap of thunder and blinding flash of lightning seemed to come from directly above the terminal. Their section of the immense, horseshoe shaped structure reverberated at the report that signaled a deluge. Sheets of water dashed themselves against the still vibrating, heavy glass walls. It was as though The Almighty was giving a heads-up about the end being closer than expected.

A startled woman screamed and from somewhere a child began to wail in fright. The detective saw Steve's body stiffen as he sat suddenly upright, looking around the terminal, eyes searching.

"Steve?" asked the blonde, "Something wrong?"

He received no answer, the SEAL continued to search his surroundings for something yet unseen. Danny could recognize the look. It was the one Steve had right before rushing into a firefight. It was Steve's 'adrenaline rush' face but with something else thrown in too. This wasn't the time or place for it. Something was going on with his friend. Something bad.

"Steve?" he asked again, the tall man ignoring him as though he wasn't sitting nearly shoulder-to-shoulder next to him.

"They're coming!" hissed the SEAL, body stiffened and tense, eyes nearly black with . . . fear?

"Who's coming, Steven? Tell me." said Danny in a near whisper. _This wasn't good. This wasn't even in the same universe as good._

"_They_ are coming!" hissed Steve as though it was the most stupid question ever asked. "We have to go before they find us!"

"Steve, it's OK. There's no one out there but scared mommies and their kids. No one's looking for us. We're safe!" Danny reached to put his hand on Steve's shoulder.

As soon as he started to reach toward him, Danny realized it was a mistake but it was too late. Steve's hand shot out to grab his wrist, his other arm wrapping around his partner's throat in a choke hold.

"STEVE! NO!" croaked out the detective, his wind-pipe painfully compressing under the pressure of Steve's grip. He struggled futilely to pry the sinewy arm loose as black spots began to float in his vision.

Steve was now in full-on SEAL mode. _Shit!_, mouthed Danny hoping that wasn't really his last word to the world.

Someone across the way, witnessing the struggle, screamed loudly. The sound seemed to distract his partner for a millisecond. Danny used it to ram an elbow sharply into Steve's ribs, hoping not to feel the dull snap that would signal he'd broken it. The SEAL gasped and loosened his grip slightly.

Somehow managing to twist in the iron grip, Danny tumbled them both to the floor, landing on top of Steve before being thrown off; the SEAL rolling on top of him.

He practically saw his life flash before him as Steve straddled his chest, arm raised and positioned to inflict what Danny knew would be a lethal strike, eyes like those of death itself.

"FREEZE! DON'T MOVE!" Danny heard from somewhere above them.

"Stop, or we'll shoot!" rang another voice.

It was as though someone had put a movie on 'pause'. Practically everyone in the terminal froze, not daring to breathe.

"Steve! Please! Stay still or they'll kill you! Please partner!" He knew if his friend so much as twitched, the two guards would cut him down and, depending on the accuracy of the shooters, he himself might be wounded.

The SEAL hesitated, his movement interrupted as he sat atop Danny frozen in place but poised like a coiled rattlesnake.

"Please don't. It's me Danny! It's Danno, buddy. Stop or they'll kill you!" The detective could see the dark, wild look beginning to fade. The security guards advanced.

"FREEZE DAMMIT OR YOU'RE DEAD!"

"No! Don't shoot him!" yelled Danny from his prone position under Steve. "It's OK! Just hold on! Give us a minute!"

"Steven, just let me up, buddy. It's OK. We're OK." he whispered frantically.

The SEAL's eyes seemed to come back into focus as he slowly returned from wherever he'd gone; the feral look now slowly dissipating.

"Danny?" came a rasping voice.

"Yeah, babe. It's me Danny."

"Danny?" Steve looked down in confusion, eyes clearing as he finally seemed to recognize the man lying beneath him.

"Yeah, get off me you idiot." gasped the blonde. "There are some very tense security guys ready to go all terminator on your ass. Just put your hands up 'kay."

Now recognizing what a desperate situation he was in, Steve looked up at the men with the guns trained unwaveringly at him. He raised his hands slowly as he slid off Danny's body.

"Danny?" he said again in bewilderment.

"KNEEL NOW! HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!" shouted one of the two steely-eyed guards from a shooter's stance; safety off, gun pointed and finger on trigger. The words rang through the terminal.

"It's OK!" said Danny to the two airport security guards as he sat up slowly; hands raised as well. "Don't hurt him! He's a cop. We're friends. He's just . . . ", the detective was at a loss for words to explain what had just happened. He wanted the guards to relax and realize Steve was no danger to anyone. The incident had probably passed but how much does he tell them and is Steve really no longer a danger?

The tall man had obediently kneeled on the terrazzo, hands locked behind his head and ankles crossed. He was _very_ familiar with how this works.

The SEAL's eyes were closed and his head was down, Danny could see him breathing heavily, trying to regain some calm, dealing with the flood of adrenaline.

The detective himself could feel the aftereffects of its rush into his own system. His legs were trembling as he slowly sat up, hands in the air and assumed the same position as his partner, kneeling with his hands clasped behind his head and his ankles crossed.

He said to Steve, "It's safe now, babe. Just stay still and you'll be OK." He didn't want to make the slightest mistake. These guys with their guns pointed at them seemed to be a lot better at this than your average mall cops even if they were probably only contracted by O'Hare rather than direct-hire government employees.

Steve nodded almost imperceptibly, not opening his eyes, chest heaving.

"Look guys . . . " began Danny, turning toward the men with the big, scary, guns.

"Shut up!" was the loud, sharp order, "Let's see some I.D.!"

"Okay, okay, " said Danny in a placating tone. "Let me get it from my pocket. See, I'm moving slowly; just reaching into this pocket, no weapon of any kind." He said it with a sing-song quality, almost as if he were humoring them. He didn't want to have to change his opinion about the mall cop thing.

"Don't be a smartass!" said the man nearest him who had not the slightest waver in the steadiness of his aim noticed Danny. From this side of a gun, the barrel looked to have the same diameter as a canon.

"Really, officer," he said as he carefully handed his badge and wallet to the man. "It's just a mistake, we're cops. My partner hasn't had any sleep to speak of for at least a couple of weeks and he's kinda jumpy right now. It was just a misunderstanding. We're not armed."

"Kinda jumpy, huh? He almost killed you." snorted the guard, a muscular man of middle height who lowered his gun as his partner kept an unwavering bead on McGarrett.

"Let's see yours too." the order was addressed to Steve by the man apparently responsible for any official communication. The other guard, with the gun still pointed at them, never said a word.

_What is this, Penn and Teller?_ thought the blonde.

"I said, let me see your I.D!" guard number one repeated as he took a step toward a quietly kneeling McGarrett who still hadn't raised his eyes.

"Let me get it!" quickly spoke Danny, "Just don't touch him right now."

The guard had started to reach toward the SEAL. He quickly withdrew the hand, asking, "What is he, a snake?"

"Just a deadly, he's a SEAL. Just give me a minute, I'll get it for you."

Maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to say, the reference about Steve being deadly but he didn't know if his partner was all the way back yet. He knew it wouldn't be wise to startle the man.

The guard silently nodded his permission. _OK, so now, it's Teller and Teller?_ thought Danny who with hands still in the air, scooted on his knees the four feet across the smooth floor toward Steve, ignoring the slight twinge in the still iffy joint.

"Steven?" said Danny softly. "These nice security guards need to see your I.D. Will you let me get it out of your pocket?"

McGarrett still hadn't raised his head. Though Danny couldn't see his face, he knew Steve's eyes were still closed. The tall man nodded silently and slightly tilted his hip toward Danny so that he could access the pocket that held his badge and wallet.

The blonde, first glancing up at the guard to make sure they were still on the same page, received a nod and reached into his partner's pocket to pull out the I.D.

The guard Danny had decided to call Penn, stepped forward to take it from him.

Pale eyes checking it over carefully, he said, "Hawaii huh, you guys are a long way from home." After carefully examining the shiny gold shields and apparently satisfied with the accompanying I.D., he handed both sets back to the detective but still looked a little skeptical.

Gesturing to Teller to put his gun away, he stowed his own sidearm back into its holster.

"You know I should arrest you, right?" he said, gesturing to Danny to rise.

The blonde stood a little creakily and then turned to Steve asking, "Can I help you up?"

He got no answer but Steve uncrossing his ankles, brought his hands from behind his head and quickly stood unassisted. His face was unreadable as he finally looked up, but he was calm.

"Hey, thanks for not shooting us." smiled Danny to Penn.

"Yeah, I'd have won this month's trophy if I bagged one more." answered Penn facetiously as he stared curiously at the SEAL.

"You OK now?" he brusquely asked the tall man.

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks." answered Steve, his voice rough and a little gravely. "Sorry about the fuss."

"Get some sleep, commander. I'm sure your partner would appreciate it. I'd advise you to delay your departure to do so before you try to get on a plane. You pull any of this shit on an air marshal and the outcome may be a lot different . . . understood?"

"Yes, thank you. I appreciate your restraint." said Steve, in a tone that sounded for all the world like the military man he is.

"I was in the service until a couple years ago." said Penn to both of them but Danny knew he was talking specifically to Steve. "I know how rough it can be after you come home. Take care of yourself . . . and your partner."

"I will. Thank you." replied the SEAL, nearly saluting and adding the 'sir' at the end of the sentence.

Gesturing toward Teller, the men calmly strolled off to continue their jobs.

Wondering how Penn even knew that Steve was recently back from deployment, Danny looked over at the tall man who, now that they were alone, allowed his face to register a stricken expression. (For some 'mysterious' reason, there were no other people within a very wide circle around them).

"I'm so sorry, Danny. I know I did something but I don't know what it was. Did I hurt anyone? Did I hurt you? Please tell me I didn't hurt anybody or you, Oh, God, I'm sorry!" said Steve, eyes looking on the verge of tears as he ran his hand shakily over his face.

"It's OK, you didn't hurt anyone and, as far as I stand, the only thing you hurt is my pride when you had me underneath you in front of Penn and Teller."

"Penn and Teller?" asked Steve not losing the distressed look on his face.

"Long story, babe. Let's go cancel our flight and book a hotel room for tonight. I'm pretty tired and it's undisputable that you could use the rest. As our little friend stated, it's not a good idea to get on a plane right now."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right. Not a good idea." said Steve, hands rubbing through his short hair; making it stick up in odd directions.

Danny hefted his carry-on as Steve took the duffle and slung it over his shoulder to follow him to the ticket counter. He seemed to ignore the frightened stares he got from waiting passengers they passed on the way.

"We'll call room service and get something to eat." said Danny as they walked, he was very much aware of the stares. "The hotel I'm thinking of has a killer hot-fudge sundae."

Danny knew his partner wouldn't usually agree to sweets but he also knew McGarrett may actually be tempted by the rich ice cream covered in hot fudge. At least it was a way to get some food into him. Danny had long ago discovered his health-freak partner's secret stash of chocolate in his freezer at home and had regularly raided it.

They went to the ticket counter to make their new flight arrangements after which Danny got on the phone to book a room for the night. Everything in place, they walked out the sliding doors to the covered waiting area where they could snag a taxi. The freezing rain still pelted down as they entered a cab and Danny gave their driver the name of the hotel.

What could one night in Chicago hurt?

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Next chapter up in three or four days. Would love to hear your thoughts on this one.


	7. Speed Bump

Shallow Grave

Chapter 7

**Here's another. Please let me know what you think of it. Trying to write Steve as himself but as a man at the end of his rope. It's harder than I thought it would be.**

**Thank you for all of your kind comments and the favorites and alerts. I never take them for granted and appreciate them more than you know. As usual, mistakes are all mine. I try to keep them to a minimum but am not much of a grammarian though husband thinks my name is 'spellcheck' when he's doing his own writing. I guess I should be flattered?**

**Disclaimer: The fortune I got in the cookie from Chinese take-out said **_**'**__**You will realize your greatest dreams'**_**. Guess that means I'll make millions from this desperate scribbling and be moving to Hawaii to lie on the beach with a tall dark-haired guy and a not so tall blonde one. Would a fortune cookie lie?**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Speed Bump

They arrived at their hotel without further incident. Steve was quiet though that really wasn't anything new. The cab ride from the airport was a longer trip than Danny had remembered from his last visit to the windy city.

The passing scenery seemed somehow colder, grayer, more dismal than he'd remembered it. It should feel like home. It should feel normal. This was what he'd grown up with – this lack of color and vibrancy in wintertime. It was nothing like the place he now lived – all color and light – but somehow the grey, rainy landscape seemed appropriate to their current situation.

The cab pulled up to the front of the Drake. It was a pretty pricey hotel for a couple of cops but it was one of the only places in town with a vacant room. The National Hardware Show with its thousands of hardware salesmen, manufacturers, buyers and visitors was being held only a couple of miles from here at the McCormick Place Convention Center. There wasn't much choice. Again, a phone call to Kono and Steve's credit card was put to use.

Danny had last visited here as part of his honeymoon trip with Rachel. Though he certainly had other things to distract him at the time, he remembered the food. He and Rachel had been 'shacking up' for several months and laughed that the honeymoon was more an opportunity to enjoy the myriad restaurants the city had to offer than enjoying each other, (though that too had certainly been on the menu).

Slowly counting out the bills, Steve paid the cabbie and tipped him well. Anyone who had to be out working in this dismal weather deserved a little extra. He hefted his duffle over his shoulder and pulling his jacket tighter around himself followed Danny into the lobby.

The young woman at the front desk was courteous and efficient, giving them a lovely smile as she handed them their key cards. From the corner of his eye, Danny saw her checking out his partner. This wasn't anything new. Even though he needed a few more pounds on him right now, Steve is a strikingly good looking guy.

The tall man seemed oblivious to the red-haired woman's attention. If he'd been on his game, he'd have been flirting back. He very well knew his effect on the opposite sex and wasn't above using it to his advantage at times. The boyish charm came in handy at restaurants and various locations around the islands. Hell, the devastating smile had even been put to use when Hillary Chung, one of the assistant M.E.'s, was assigned to process their crime scenes. They'd received the results of her findings faster than if even Max had been working the case.

If Steve had actually ever strayed, Danny knew nothing of it but he did know if Cath ever found out what her friend-with-benefits/boyfriend/whatever was capable of . . . well, it probably wouldn't be pretty. Today, Steve was too distracted to employ his secret weapon.

When they got to their room, the SEAL immediately dropped his duffle to the floor and with a groan of exhaustion, flung himself onto the closest of the two beds and immediately closed his eyes, arms over his face.

"Hey, you okay?" asked the blonde as he watched his partner who was laid out on the bed like so much tattooed roadkill.

"Of course I'm okay. It was just a normal day for me; trying to kill my best friend in the middle of a fucking airport, almost getting shot by a couple of rent-a-cops in front of a hundred screaming children, yeah, I'm just peachy . . . and you?"

"I'm okay." sighed Danny, plopping tiredly onto the opposite bed and smoothing his hands through his long ago defeated coif. He looked over at the next bed and the weary looking man who lay upon it.

"Look, it's over with. We go on from here. No one got hurt, though I'm sure a couple of those people are gonna need to change their chonies. You can't let this stop the parade, babe. It's just a speed bump on the road to getting your life back."

"I'm sorry." said the tall man, sounding so overcome by it all. He suddenly rolled onto his side and buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking as he tried to stifle his embarrassing outburst. "I'm so sorry Danny."

_Oh crap,_ thought his partner in alarm. "Hey, hey, I told you I'm good. Honest, I'm fine, everyone's fine Steven. You didn't hurt me. You didn't hurt anyone else. All you did was give Penn and Teller something to tell the wife and kids when they get home tonight."

"Penn and Teller?" rasped Steve from behind his hands, breath hitching in his mighty inward struggle for control.

Steve's emotionality was nearly as weird and distressing as the near catatonic state he'd been in when Danny first saw him at Quantico. The detective fought the urge to comfort his partner, to put arms around his lost friend and try to keep the pieces together. Steve was embarrassed enough already and sadly, Danny wasn't even sure anymore if it was safe to touch him when he was so upset.

Not knowing what else to do, he picked up the phone to order some hot fudge sundaes from room service.

….

The rest of the evening went calmly enough. Steve even agreed to eat some of the burger his partner had ordered for him along with a few fries. Danny made sure he took the meds which made him loopy enough to not even protest when his partner ordered him to bed as though he were talking to his nine-year-old daughter.

He was almost immediately asleep as soon as he lay down his head, not even bothering to draw the blankets over himself before becoming unconscious.

Five hours ahead of Hawaii time, Danny made his nightly phone call to his daughter. She asked about visiting her uncle Steve as soon as they got home. Danny had been prepared for the request and gave her his rehearsed story about how busy her uncle would be for a while until he caught up on all his crime-fighting chores. He felt bad lying to her but, for now, it was for the best. The remark from Steve's doctor and what he'd seen today at the airport made him uneasy that his daughter would see Steve before he was ready. He hoped he wouldn't have to explain it to Steve. He didn't know how he would.

Sighing, he set the phone on the night stand and got ready for bed, stopping to pull the blankets up over his sleeping partner. Yup, it was like having two nine-year-olds. At least it was a role he was comfortable with. In sleep, Steve did look much younger. The tenseness gone from his features, his thin face looked boyish. Danny sometimes forgot they were actually the same age; Steve always seemed so much more worldly. He'd been all over it as a matter of fact. He'd been fighting forever. Fighting to keep his country safe, fighting to keep to keep his island safe. Danny thought that maybe fighting for so long had made his friend hard beyond his years.

Now he was fighting for himself.

Sighing once more in weariness, Danny shut off the light and closed his eyes.

…..

The sounds began softly at first. Murmurings and frantic whispers that barely registered on Danny's consciousness as he was roused from sleep a little after midnight. Groaning, he sat up to look over at the next bed. There was enough light coming through the half-drawn drapes to see Steve tossing and turning, talking to someone unseen.

"No, please don't!" were the mumbled words Danny could make out as Steve actually put his hands up in a halt type gesture. "Stop!" he said more clearly. Then came words in a language he didn't understand but he gathered they were saying pretty much the same thing. "NO!" screamed out the man in the bed as he sat up abruptly searching frantically around him.

"Steve! It's just a dream! It's okay! You're just dreaming!" soothed Danny as he jumped out of bed and rushed to his friend's side, knowing that trying to touch him at this moment could be disastrous.

"Stop! Please stop!" and then more of the foreign language as Steve scrambled out of bed. Making a keening sound he backed away from his partner, trying to get as far from him as possible, his face twisted in anguish.

"Steven, you're safe! We're in a hotel in Chicago. You're safe, nothing is going to hurt you! Please, buddy, calm down. It's me, Danny, I won't let anything happen. Remember? We're on our way home? Shh, it's alright now."

"Nooo" keened the tall man now having reached the wall and flattening himself against it, hands behind him scrabbling for an exit. Danny could hear fingernails scraping against wallpaper.

"Shh, Steven, please wake up, it's just a dream. You're in Chicago. You're with me, Danny, your friend. You're safe now. Nothing is going to hurt you."

The blonde kept up the litany of soothing words and entreaty to wake. After a few more tense moments, Steve seemed to begin to calm. The frantic activity stopped and his eyes became focused on his actual surroundings instead of the ones in his head. His clothes and hair were soaked with sweat and he trembled almost violently. Finally, his gaze slowly focused on Danny's face and a look of recognition supplanted the one of terror.

"Danny?"

There was his name again said as if the one word contained salvation.

"Yeah, yeah, Steven. It's me, Danny" he said, daring to come closer to the man still plastered against the wall.

"Wha . . . what happened?" was the shaky question.

"Just a dream, babe. Just a bad dream. It's okay now. Everything's okay now."

"Di . . did I hur . . . hurt you?" came the stuttering question between breaths that came in panting gasps.

"No, not even close. I'm fine. You're fine. Don't worry about it. It was just a dream. It's over now." soothed the blonde.

Steve released himself from the tense posture and slid down the wall, drawing his knees close to his body; still nearly panting.

"It was so real." he breathed, more to himself than to his partner who crouched close to him but not touching. "It was so fucking real." His chest heaved trying to bring in enough oxygen to clear his head of the horror that hadn't yet left him. He ran his hands over his face, trying to blink away the whatever terrors remained.

"It was just a dream, Steven. Just a bad dream. It's over now." soothed Danny in comforting repetition.

His friend's breathing slowed as he sat on the floor for several more minutes trying to clear his mind and regain some composure.

"You okay now?" asked Danny gently, standing and offering his hand to pull Steve from the floor. The cold hand took the offered warm one and he stood shakily.

Sitting on his bed, the SEAL fought to gain control, pushing his sweat soaked hair back with both hands, he took a shuddering breath. "Danny, could you get me a glass of water? Maybe with some ice in it?" he asked looking at his partner almost pleadingly.

"Sure, of course. The ice machine's just down the hall. Be right back." The blonde man grabbed the plastic ice bucket and his key card from the desk near the window and, already wearing sweats, hurried out the door on his errand.

As soon as the door clicked closed behind his friend, McGarrett sprang from the bed and quickly strode to the closet, grabbing pants and boots, hurriedly donning them and having the presence of mind to retrieve his wallet from the top of the nightstand.

Returning with the now filled ice bucket, the detective nearly dropped it when he saw his partner dressed and looking ready to leave instead of returning to bed.

"You going somewhere babe?" he asked carefully, narrowing pale blue eyes as he set the ice filled container on the bed.

"I . . . I have to get out of here, Danny. I have to go away before I hurt somebody, before I hurt you or Kono or Chin or even Gracie. I'm not safe to be around. I'm not what you think I am. I don't want to hurt anyone, please! Let me go!" he plead.

"You, my friend, are going nowhere! You need to sit your ass back on that bed. I made a promise to you and to myself that I would help you get through this and I'll be damned if you're going to make me break it! Now, knock it off. You're not leaving!"

"Can't. Please don't make me hurt you. Please. I have enough blood on my hands!" his voice broke then, tears pooling once again in the dark hazel-blue eyes. "Please, I'm begging you, let me go."

"Not happening, Rambo." said the blonde, knowing that Steve could probably dispatch him in a nanosecond but he wasn't going to make it easy. If the idiot was going to leave, he'd have to do it the hard way. He braced himself.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Reviews would be nice. Think of them as alms for the poor.**

…**..**

**Next chapter in about four days.**


	8. Synchronicity

Shallow Grave

Chapter 8

**OK, we're on the streets of Chicago now. I've taken creative license with the distance between locations. If some of you have been to the city in which this is set, you'll know what I mean.**

**Thank you again for your wonderful response to this story. It truly makes the effort worthwhile.**

**Disclaimer: Would love to say they're mine and that I make money from this but I've never been really good at deception. Just ask the cats. They didn't fall for it when I tried to convince them that taking a bath was a pleasant experience and no cause for kitty melt-downs. Scars not yet healed.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Synchronicity

It took only a quick moment. A blink of an eye and Danny was on his face on the carpet, his arm twisted painfully behind him. Steve may have been out of it but it hadn't lessened his lethal moves.

"Let me up, you moron!" yelped the blonde to the man whose knee pressed painfully into the small of his back.

"Danny, I don't want to hurt you. I have to get out of here for a while. I have to lose myself somewhere. There's too much going on in my head. There's too much to remember . . . I . . . can't do that right now. Please." pleaded McGarrett.

"Steven, you're not leaving my sight. I don't care what kind of ninja-SEAL moves you have in your arsenal. You're not going out there alone! Now let me up! Right now! I mean it!"

Danny only heard an amused huff from his friend as Steve stood and released him but before he could even roll over, the SEAL was out the door.

Ignoring the painful twinge in his knee, he quickly regained his feet and rushed out the door only seconds behind his friend. Charging into the corridor, he saw the stairway door at the end of the hallway close.

His feet couldn't fly fast enough toward it. Flinging it open, he looked down from the landing and saw a flash of dark hair and navy blue two flights below. By the time he'd even made it to the first landing on the next set of stairs, Steve was gone.

Fuck!

….

The neon lights advertising tarot card reading blinked feebly from a storefront window in the freezing night. It was one of the many small businesses that lined the narrow side street off Michigan Avenue. The others were all closed, it was almost two A.M. Danny wondered what the tarot card reader's regular hours were. Maybe this was special 'winter hours'? What would possess someone to have their cards read at this time of night, err, morning?

He idly thought that maybe seeing the reader could help him find Steve. There wasn't much else they could do other than drive the streets hoping to get a glimpse of the idiot.

The late night drive reminded Danny of the time his sweet-natured but easily distracted dog went for an unauthorized stroll in the middle of the night in Newark. He and Rachel had done just this, driven the streets until dawn. Finally giving up, they went home in defeat to find the mutt sitting happily on the front step, wagging his tail after his nocturnal adventure.

Maybe if they went back to the Drake, they'd find Steve sitting there with that 'who me?' look on his face that he used when he knew Danny was pissed at him. He had to admit, it did take some of his anger away to see that goofy expression on his partner's usually stoic face. He sighed tiredly as his eyes searched the frigid darkness for the tall, spare figure of his best friend.

Danny knew that wherever the big idiot is, he'd be cold. The temp had dropped and what had been rainfall then sleet, was now giant wet blobs of snow on the windshield of the sedan.

Danny shivered in the heavy coat, maybe not even for himself. Steve had to be freezing. All he'd been wearing were Levi's and the long-sleeved sweatshirt. At least his boots offered more protection than sneakers – though surely not enough.

Chicago was a big town and his partner could be anywhere in it. In parts of it, it wasn't safe to wander alone. In parts of it, it wasn't safe to wander with a platoon of tanks.

They'd been searching for what seemed hours, though in reality, only since half past midnight or so. The only one Danny trusted enough to help find his friend without it turning into a clusterfuck of a standoff was the man sitting beside him confidently guiding the big car through the slippery streets; one hand on the wheel and the other wrapped around a Styrofoam cup.

The burly man had been one of the first guys he'd ever partnered with back in Newark. Bill had moved on to the big city, (or bigger city), when his wife of several years had been promoted to a higher position within the national chain of home center stores that employed her. Fortunately, along with the prestigious title came a prestigious paycheck.

Not wanting to rain on his wife's parade and aware of the advantages of having a few extra bucks in the bank, Bill, (who after nearly twenty years if marriage was still stone in love with the woman), had agreed to move to where her company was headquartered. He'd bid a sad goodbye to his comrades and followed his beloved.

He could have retired then but he'd long since come to the conclusion he was a 'lifer'. Quickly securing a job with Chicago PD he'd been here ever since.

The big detective had offered to put out a BOLO on McGarrett but Danny had declined. He knew considering Steve's current state of mind and the man's uncanny ability to find trouble that the chance of something going drastically wrong was a strong one. Better to do the searching on his own with the help of his ex-partner.

"So, Tiger," asked the man behind the wheel, his eyes continually scanning for McGarrett as he spoke, "What's it like living in paradise?"

"You mean the one on the smoking pile of lava surrounded by miles of shark infested water?" asked the blonde man in the passenger seat whose nickname 'Tiger' would never be known outside the vehicle in which they now rode.

"Come on, Danny. Hawaii can't be all that bad." chided O'Mara. The big man was familiar with his ex-partner's griping. He'd heard a saying once that applied perfectly to the tough little detective – 'You'd bitch if you wuz hung with new rope'. Yup, that was Danny Williams, aka Tiger.

"Oh, it might be okay sometimes." conceded the blonde. "Gracie really likes it. She's even learned to surf."

"Gracie?" gasped the big man in astonishment. "She's old enough to surf?"

"Yeah well, everyone there seems to think so." huffed Danny as if even thinking about his baby on a piece of fiberglass coated styrofoam in the horrifyingly dangerous ocean was too stressful to even consider. "Steve and Kono had her up on a board two months after I joined Five-0."

"I can't believe you let your little girl get into water that has actual sharks in it."

"Yeah, sharks, stinging jellyfish, poisonous sea snakes . . . you're right, she's never going near water again unless it's in the bathtub."

"That's my boy." smiled Bill. It was almost as though Danny'd never left. He'd missed the little tough-guy. "So, this partner of yours, what's going on with him? Why'd he split?"

"Steve . . . " began the detective, " . . . well, the guy's a force of nature and the biggest badass mofo that ever lived but . . . he's got issues right now – bad ones. He just got out of the hospital a couple of days ago after coming back trashed from deployment in fuck-knows-where and we were on our way back to Honolulu. He had some nightmares that kinda set him on edge and he said he had to get away for a while."

Danny didn't want to violate Steve's privacy but he felt he owed O'Mara an explanation. It was only right considering his frantic phone call had pulled the man from a warm bed on a miserable night that would freeze the balls off a badger.

"I take it his issues aren't all physical?" asked O'Mara; ever the astute detective. "PTSD?"

"Yeah, most likely. It's been pretty fucked-up lately for him. Hell, things've been fucked-up for most of his life but he'd always been able to keep it together until . . . " he trailed off, tiredly rubbing his hand over his stubbled jaw.

"Something happened when he was out on whatever classified secret squirrel mission in wherever classified hell-hole he'd been sent a few weeks ago. I know I'd mentioned in past conversations that he's a Navy SEAL and he's in the reserves. He gets called up every so often when they need someone with his skills which I can only guess at since he won't tell me because he says he'd have to kill me if I knew . . . _that_ may or may not be a joke bye-the-way, but when he came back this time . . . " Danny sighed , his mouth drawing into a grim line ". . . this time, he's a mess."

"Don't worry, Danny, we'll find 'im. He can't get that far. You said he didn't even have a jacket when he left?"

"Yeah but the man's used to deprivation crap. Who the hell would **voluntarily** get up before dawn every morning, run five fucking miles and then go swimming for an hour . . . in the friggin' ocean no less!" Danny's hands had begun their usual dance.

"That's just so wrong." said O'Mara, shaking his head and clucking as Williams did nearly the same next to him; the two resembling synchronized bobble-head dolls.

Beefy hands turned the wheel as the sedan continued its way on the sparsely traveled streets. Eyes searched alleys and doorways for the tall, crazy, SEAL who wanted to lose himself in the windy city.

…

He ran for what seemed miles. For the last few, he'd been pelted with stinging pellets of sleet that struck the back of his neck and felt like thousands of little needles. He didn't know how long he'd been running. He guessed it was awhile, he didn't know how he'd gotten all the way to the Wrigley Building but there it was; its white façade looming in front of him.

The frozen rain was coming down so hard, he couldn't even see across the river that ran right next to it. He almost couldn't feel his feet. He knew that wasn't good.

Blinking and squinting against the sleet he barely made out a passing taxi and raised a hand to hail it. It seemed to hesitate before stopping and had actually gone past him. Now in reverse; the tail-lights glowed and the back-up lights cut-off as the driver put the orange cab in park in front of him.

The SEAL knew it looked at least a little odd - a guy dressed only in jeans and a soggy sweatshirt standing out in the middle of a storm. To be able to avail himself of this suddenly presented mode of transportation, there had to be some sort of synchronicity thing going on. He'd needed a cab and there it was.

Opening the door and sliding into the heated car, he pulled out a wet wad of bills to allay any fears the cabbie may have had about picking up such an iffy passenger. Handing a couple of twenties to the man behind the wheel, he said, "Take me to a bar."

"What kind of bar you like?" asked the cabbie in a thick accent. It startled his passenger. It sounded familiar. He'd heard it long before he'd woken up in the hospital in Germany. He vaguely remembered hearing the same lilt in the dialect spoken by one of the people who'd found him and taken him to get help. He'd never learned that person's name and, at the time, he'd been too out of it to ask but he remembered the accent.

Zafir Ibrahim hoped picking up this fare wasn't a mistake but the tall guy looked miserable and something would surely happen to him wandering around without a jacket in the middle of this freezing night. It didn't seem right to leave him to expire in the cold. He tried again.

"I ask what kind of bar you like?" repeated the cabbie_,__ Maybe picking up this space cadet wasn't such a good idea._

"Uhh" muttered Steve, trying to shake off the memory before getting on to the task of a reply.

"You like bars with girls maybe?" Steve hadn't yet answered and the cabbie went on to the next category, "Maybe bars with boys? I know of such places too, just tell me, I take you there."

Steve smiled then, "No bars with anyone. Just a safe place to drink. A place where I don't have to worry about getting rolled as soon as I get wasted. That's the plan anyway . . . what is your name?"

"Zafir, my name is Zafir."

"Ah, nice name, that means victorious, doesn't it?"

"You speak Urdu?"

"A little, enough to get by. Anyway, that's the plan, Zafir, to get incredibly drunk without being mugged."

Zafir shook his head. Imagine, meeting an ajnaabi in the middle of a storm in Chicago who knew what his name meant and spoke his language as well. _Allah works_ _in mysterious ways_, he thought, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all.

"No worries my friend. I take you to nice place with nice people. You can get as drunk as you want there. No one will harm you."

"Thanks, that sounds great Zafir" answered the tall man shivering in his soggy sweatshirt.

The cab made its way into the night toward a bar where it was safe to get lost in a bottle.

…..

The night grew even colder. What had been wet snow, was now a proper East Coast Winter blitz. The roads that were still open had become treacherous with ice. It took only a slight miscalculation or lapse in attention and one could wind up in a ditch or in a pile of intermingled metal with another unfortunate driver or two. Zafir Ibrahim had the misfortune to meet such a vehicle as he powerlessly watched the scenery go by - sideways.

There was absolutely nothing that could be done but hang on and hope for the best as the tires found absolutely no purchase on the glassy roadway. They weren't going very fast; it seemed to happen in slow motion. In the flash of headlights he could see the horrified expression on the big red-head's face and on the face of the smaller blonde man beside him.

There was a thud and a crunch as the two sedans met in a slow-speed collision.

Crap! His cab was almost paid off. He knew he shouldn't have tried to work tonight. He didn't really need the money that badly, his rent had already been paid and the other bills weren't due until the end of the month. Something made him restless and he'd decided to go out and pick up a few fares though he didn't need to.

It had been lucky for that tall guy who spoke Urdu that he had. Maybe it was Allah's plan for him . . . for both of them. Whatever. Right now he had to deal with a very large angry looking man who stood in the snow staring at his seriously dented fender and door.

"I knew I shoulda stayed in bed!" said the big man disgustedly as he tried to pull the metal away from the tire so his unfortunate vehicle could be driven.

He turned to the smallish olive-skinned man who approached him with paperwork in hand to exchange information. He wasn't mad at the little guy. Shit happens, especially in the middle of fucking snowstorms when he should be at home cuddled next to his wife instead of driving all over the fucking city looking for Danny's nut-case of a partner wandering around without even a jacket – IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING SNOWSTORM!

"I am so sorry." apologized the cabbie in a thick accent.

"Eh, shit happens" was the frustrated reply, "Let's just get out of this storm so we can exchange information. There's a coffee shop on the next corner. It looks like your cab made out better than my car, meet you there."

The coffee shop was nearly deserted. _It's deserted because anyone with half a brain is at home right now,_ thought Danny as he ordered coffee for himself, Bill and their sudden, new friend. He rubbed his hands across his wind-burned face. The longer Steve was missing, the more time the idiot had to get into real trouble . . . if not freeze to death.

"You look tired my friend." said Zafir to the blonde on the other side of the table as he pushed his paperwork toward the big, red-haired, man who in turn slid his information across the Formica toward him.

"Been out looking for a friend for most of the night." was the tired reply.

"Is he lost?" asked Zafir curiously.

"You could say that." sighed the blonde.

"It's a very bad night to be lost. It is very cold to be out without a very heavy jacket. I just dropped off a fare I found standing outside the Wrigley Building. The crazy man had no jacket! He wore nothing but Levis and a sweatshirt. That was not a very smart thing for him to do. He was lucky I saw him in the storm."

There was a brief moment when the two cops looked at each other, both with the exact same thought,_ No fucking way! It couldn't be!_

"This guy you picked up . . . what did he look like?" asked Danny, his heart beginning to thud a little faster.

"Well . . . he was tall, he had dark hair . . . and he spoke Urdu very well."

Bill looked doubtfully at Danny who now looked about to rocket out of the room.

"Steve speaks a lot of different languages. I don't even know how many, Urdu could be one of them." said Danny to his ex-partner who still didn't look convinced it could be their wayward man.

"Where did you take this guy?" asked Bill, snapping back into detective mode.

"He said he wanted to get very drunk in a safe place. I took him to Scrappy's. It's on . . . "

"I know where it is." interrupted Bill, throwing down some bills onto the table and yelling to the waitress as he and Danny rushed toward the door. "Rhonda, bring this guy the biggest piece of pie you have."

"Hell, bring him the whole pie!" said Danny as he rushed out the door after the big man.

Zafir Ibrahim only shook his head as he took a sip of the hot, strong coffee and watched the two hurry out the door. _This is a very strange night indeed._

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**My apologies to anyone who speaks Urdu. I tried to come up with accurate translations but if I goofed, I'm sorry.**

**Reviews are very welcome if you're of a mind to give them. Next chapter up in three or four days.**


	9. Slow Death

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 9

**Here's a longer chapter. This one was proofed in a rush so if you see anything that threatens to totally ruin the story, let me know. Thank you for your feedback on the previous chapters. Knowing that people actually read what I've written is such a rush****.**

**Disclaimer: If I made money from this, my ass would be on a plane to Hawaii so fast that even the relentless ninja cats couldn't catch me. Husband would send out a search party when the dishes piled up high enough but I think he knows where I'd be.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Slow Death

The bar was nothing special. Neither too tawdry nor too upscale, it was just a rather dimly lit little neighborhood hole-in-the-wall. They spotted him as soon as they walked in. He sat alone in a corner booth, a single shot glass and a bottle sitting on the scarred tabletop in front of him. He sat staring into space, eyes unfocused; whatever he gazed at visible only to him.

As they walked in, shaking snow from their coats, the bartender recognized Bill. The man was hard to miss with his bright red hair and six-foot-four body of muscle and what some call 'hard' fat. He was as solid as a concrete and steel-reinforced outhouse.

"Hey Billy!" smiled the trim, balding man as he threw his bar towel over one shoulder and gave a casual salute in greeting.

"Sammy!" smiled Bill, striding toward the bar, giving Danny room to confront Steve on his own.

The detective approached the table slowly. He studied Steve's face. It was pale and worn; dark stubble covered his jaw and his hair had obviously been subject to the elements. It clung closely to his skull with several errant clumps curling upward as it dried. His clothing looked nearly dry as well. Danny wondered how Steve had even managed to survive being outdoors without a jacket. The storm had morphed from sheets of cold rain to stinging pellets of sleet and was now a full-on snowstorm.

"Steven?" he said as he stood near his partner's elbow. The man hadn't even seemed to notice that anyone was standing right beside him. "Hey, partner, how you doin'?" he said softly, "You kinda freaked me out when you took off like that."

Glassy, bloodshot eyes turned toward him as Steve looked him up and down without speaking. He raised the shot glass to his lips and downed its contents in one gulp, setting the small, heavy, tumbler back on the table with a thump.

"Hey, Danno!" he seemed to suddenly click back into the 'now' as he smiled in recognition at the concerned face that hovered above him. "Have a drink with me! It's pretty good for the cheap stuff." The grin was lopsided and the eyes glazed but it was welcoming enough.

"At this point, my friend, anything that wasn't distilled yesterday in a trashcan would probably seem pretty good to you. Maybe we should get back to the hotel, buddy. According to the weather reports, the storm may let up enough for us to catch a flight out tomorrow sometime. We need to get you to bed. Aren't you cold? You don't even have a jacket you idiot."

"Mm not cold." slurred Steve, "drank too much to be cold . . . too much to be anything." He laughed, seemingly amused with his own private joke.

"Yeah, I bet." agreed Danny, taking in the nearly empty bottle that sat next to the now empty shot glass.

"C'mon Danno, have a drink with me. We should get drunk together. We haven't done that in a long time."

"I think you've got a pretty good head-start on me partner. Besides, one of us has to remember which hotel we're at." Danny sat and signaled for the barmaid; a tired looking middle-aged blonde wearing a top that revealed a rather leathery looking cleavage. She'd probably been quite the looker a few years ago but now, appeared as worn as her surroundings.

"Hey, Paula", greeted Steve as she came up to them, a tray of empty beer mugs balanced in her hand. "Meet my partner Danny. He's a cop. He's a really good cop, not like me."

"I'm glad Danny's here." smiled Paula tiredly. "I think you've had enough for tonight sweetie." Turning to Danny she said, "Sam and I were about ready to go through his pockets to see who we could call to come get him. He seems like a nice kid. We should've cut him off a long time ago but he said he had someone who'd come for him. Said he was waiting for Danno. That's you, right?"

Danny nodded in confirmation and then rolled his eyes at his obviously inebriated partner who only smiled drunkenly back at him; lopsided grin looking even goofier with a snootful of whiskey behind it.

"C'mon Danno, don't be a par…party pooper. Have a drink with me. Paula will bring it to you. Paula's really nice."

"Sweetie, if I was even _ten_ years younger . . . and you were a lot more sober, I'd show you how nice I could be." she laughed toward Steve then winked suggestively toward Danny.

Steve loudly guffawed, nearly doubling over at the barmaid's remark then straightening to give her one of his trademarked grins that would melt the heart of The Venus de Milo and solve the mystery of the Mona Lisa's smile.

"Honey, you'd better get your friend home before I change my mind about those requirements." laughed Paula to Danny as she removed the now empty bottle from the tabletop and put it on her laden tray.

"OK, Rambo, I'll have a drink with you, but just the one and then we blow this place and go pour you into bed. You are gonna be one sorry puppy tomorrow my friend."

Steve only grinned widely and said to Paula, "Br…bring my friend a bottle of . . . "

"A bottle of MG draught" finished Danny. He thought Steve might be ordering another bottle of whiskey. That wasn't even remotely wise at this point.

With a salacious wink and an amused chuckle, Paula went off to get the beer, the collected mugs on her tray clinking loudly as she walked to the other side of the narrow room to set them on the bar.

Danny took a seat opposite Steve. He looked over to where Bill was engrossed in deep conversation with the bartender. It was probably best to let him be for now. They seemed to be having a good time in spite of the late hour. By morning, Steve may not even remember having been introduced to anyone.

The barmaid came back with his beer and Danny laid a couple of bills on her tray. She smiled at him, mouthing, "Good luck honey." as she walked away.

They sat silently for a few minutes; Danny picking at the edges of the napkin under his drink and Steve staring into the amber liquid in his glass – the last of the whisky from the now empty bottle.

"Danny?"

"Umm"

"Do you think God lives in the desert?"

Taken aback by the seriously strange question, the detective didn't know if or what he should answer.

After a long pause, taking in the earnest searching look from across the table, he answered, "I think God lives everywhere, Steven. Why are you asking this?"

Glazed hazel-blue eyes seemed to look inward before focusing once again on Danny's pale blue ones. Steve was deciding which of the chaotically racing thoughts he'd capture. The alcohol slowed them down a little but they were still there, springing across his mind like fleeing antelope.

Exhaling shakily then taking a breath he began, "When I was there, I prayed really hard but . . . ", he hesitated before shaking his head sadly and saying, "it never happened."

The detective looked back into the drawn face, knowing he had to ask the question.

"What did you pray for?" asked Danny quietly, knowing he would probably cringe at whatever his drunken friend came up with.

"I prayed to die." was the brief, blunt, breath stealing answer.

Danny felt his blood freeze, his brain stop processing as it seemed to seize-up. He reached out to put his hand on his partner's arm, feeling tight muscle grow even tighter beneath his touch despite the alcohol.

"Steven . . . ", he could barely breathe out, "Why did you want to die?"

Steve was becoming increasingly bleary-eyed; swaying almost imperceptibly in his chair.

"I was the only one left. I should . . . I should have died. If I'd been killed first, the baby would still be alive. How could I still be alive and that poor baby dead? Why would God let that happen? Why?" he demanded slamming his hand down on the table loud enough to make both Bill and Sam glance over to make sure nothing too physical was going on.

In the few times Danny had really seen his partner ripped, Steve wasn't a maudlin drunk. While not necessarily the life of the party, he'd usually relax enough to become a little more talkative and cheerful.

Staring down into the shot glass as though the answer lay at the bottom of it, Steve now sat quietly. Danny waited patiently for him to continue.

The soft voice said, "Before they left me alone, they said I was stupid for even thinking I'd go home again. I ignored what they said but later, I realized they were right. I should have gone with them."

"Babe, you survived. You came home. You were right to ignore what they told you."

Pale blue eyes were blinking back tears as Danny's chest tightened and his throat constricted. No one needed this much pain, least of all someone who always tried to do the right thing no matter the personal cost. That Steve had kept it together for this long; had kept from falling apart in spite of the tragedies in his life was testament to his inner strength.

"No, they were right." asserted Steve, his face eerily calm and earnest. "They still te. . tell me that sometimes to remind me." he sighed, shaking his head from side to side as if to empty the sound of long dead voices from it.

Danny's gut did a backflip; a full-on triple fucking backflip.

"When?" he asked with dread, "When do they talk to you?"

Steve looked down at his hands; studying them before he looked up, eyes glassy and liquid. "When . . . when I try to sleep. Mostly when I try to sleep . . . oh, Danny!" he suddenly gasped, reaching across the table to grip his partner's arm so hard it actually hurt and would probably bruise. Danny didn't flinch.

"They won't let me sleep! All those voices . . . and the . . . the screams. They won't let me sleep . . . and I'm so tired!" The pooled tears escaped one by one to slide slowly down his lean face.

He released Danny's arm and buried his head in arms resting on the table's scarred surface.

Danny's tears trailed down his own face as he rubbed soothingly on his partner's back and made the same soothing sounds he'd done at times for distraught children, his own or any others who needed it.

He knew the booze was messing with Steve's mind. It was also a very, very bad idea to combine alcohol with the other medications. Four milligrams of Ativan and a bottle of whiskey was a Judy Garland cocktail. Far too many people had made the mistake of combining alcohol and drugs with sometimes fatal results.

Still, his partner was NEVER this open about anything. Though he was as close as a brother, Danny knew that even as a brother this conversation would never have taken place if it weren't for the booze.

"Steven, let's get you back to the hotel, OK? I think you need to rest and try to sleep. You're, no doubt, going to have the mother of all hangovers tomorrow. Make that later today." he amended, looking at his wristwatch.

The blonde nodded to Bill who now sat at a corner table nursing a beer of his own. Danny would have to do something nice for his old partner as a thank you for his help, (and his understanding, not to mention his new need for auto repair).

The big man ambled over to the table, waiting patiently for Danny to tug Steve to his feet. This time, in spite of the SEAL's previously exhibited and seriously freaky ability to hold his liquor, (Danny had actually seen the man down numerous straight shots and still manage to look as though he'd never touched a drop), this time, Steve was utterly and completely shit-faced.

The SEAL swayed unsteadily, before suddenly realizing there was someone unfamiliar standing next to him. Startled, he took a wild swing at the mountain of a man and missed completely. Bill grabbed his arm and laughed, "Whoa, buddy. Let's get you back to the car, OK? We don't want to have to call out the 'real' cops."

"Fucking cops." slurred Steve who, with one eye closed, looked up at the man who smiled benignly down at him and apparently decided that launching another attack wasn't such a good idea. "You know, I . . . I'm a fucking cop? They let anyone be cops these days . . . even me."

Danny just shook his head and taking Steve's other arm, they steered him toward the exit. Except for Sam, they were the only ones still in the place. Paula had gone home for the night, possibly to dream of the handsome dark-haired man who'd found his way into her workplace.

As they passed the lone man wiping down the tables and straightening up, the blonde detective reached for his wallet to settle Steve's tab.

"We're good." said Sam, "Your friend already took care of his tab. He slapped down a handful of twenties and I'll be damned if he didn't drink most of it." smiled the barkeep. "I actually owe him about twenty or so in change. That guy is gonna be in some serious pain tomorrow."

_He's already in serious pain,_ thought Danny before tiredly smiling, "Just keep it. You earned it."

"Thanks man. Hope your friend feels better tomorrow."

They wrestled a stumbling Steve out to the curb and practically stuffed him into the back seat as the inebriated man mumbled to himself about SEALs and cops and whatever else Danny couldn't make out right now.

"He's not gonna ralph in my car is he?" asked Bill as he carefully eyed the man who now seemed to be holding a conversation with himself in the back seat of the Ford that had already endured its share of misfortune for the night.

"Don't think so, he's always been pretty good about being able to hold his liquor – though tonight may be the exception. I'll watch him. Be ready to pull over if it comes to that."

All the way back to the hotel, Danny monitored his friend closely for any sign of impending eruptions. Luckily, there'd been no need to pause in their journey back to the Drake.

Getting Steve into the car was one thing, getting him out of it was another. After repeated attempts to get him awake enough to get out on his own, Bill finally lost patience and just pulled him out by the legs and threw the SEAL over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Marching through the lobby, the strange trio got a raised eyebrow from the kid at the front desk. Doing his duty, he marched over to them to ask, "Is there something I can help you with gentlemen?"

"No, no, we're just getting this guy back to his room. He's had a little too much to drink." Taking a hand off of his cargo Bill reached into his pocket to retrieve his CPD shield to flash at the kid who, though he had to be older, looked about fourteen, his teeth still encumbered by braces.

"Oh, okay officer. Just had to make sure the man was still breathing."

"No worries kid. He's breathing but I gotta get him up to the room before he wakes up and decides to make a break for it again."

When the desk clerk looked questioningly at the big red haired cop the small blonde man standing next to him shrugged and said, "Long story."

The young night clerk knew that guests returning from a night on the town in varying states of sobriety weren't unusual. What was unusual was someone the size of a refrigerator carrying another man as though he was a bag of laundry across the lobby.

"Just checking, officers." he nodded and waved them toward the elevators.

_Whatever, _thought the kid as he went back to his paperwork at the front desk.

They reached the elevator bank and entering one of the mirrored boxes, Danny punched the button for the tenth floor. He looked at the sepia reflection in the bronzed surface and almost smiled at what it showed.

There stood Bill calmly looking up at the lights of the floor indicator, an unconscious Steve slung over his shoulder. The big man looked as if toting a hundred-seventy-more-or less-pound man like an inked deer carcass was the most normal thing in the world.

He would have laughed if it weren't for the serious issue that preceded the strange scene. He just shook his head at his two friends and reached into his pocket for his key card as the elevator dinged when they reached their floor.

Though Bill showed no signs of tiring, Danny was glad their room wasn't that far from the elevator. Opening the door, he let the big man past him to dump Steve unceremoniously onto the already turned down bed; the SEAL not even waking when he thumped limply down onto its surface.

"Thanks Bill. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your help. I was sure he was gonna get his ass shot by either cops or bad guys before the night was over. You have no idea what he can manage to get into when I'm not around. I'm grateful to you." said Danny sincerely, looking up at the big Irishman.

The blonde was aware of the nicknames their co-workers had for the two of them when they were partnered: Mutt and Jeff, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Burt and Ernie. The height-challenged detective was happy that Steve, though more than half a foot taller than he, wasn't even close to the size of his former partner.

Danny figured there were some choice nicknames for them in Hawaii too but Steve's BAMF reputation would most likely stop anyone with a sense of self-preservation and at least half a brain from saying them within hearing distance.

Bill said simply, "Partners always look out for each other, kid. I know you'd have done the same for me. Maybe, if I ever get to Hawaii, you'll have to." he smiled broadly, "I hear those umbrella drinks are pretty tasty."

"That they are. Just notify me ahead of time so I can get a couple more friends and maybe a skiploader ready. I don't think I can sling you over my shoulder like you did Steve."

They stood staring down at the drunken man who'd not even twitched since being plopped onto the bed.

"Good luck with your partner. If you're this worried about him, he must be someone worth the worry. I hope he can get it together again. Won't be easy. He's gonna need you Tiger."

"I'll be there for him. He's the only reason I even survived on that freakin' island. I owe him a lot. He's a good man and like a brother to me. I know he'd do whatever he could if I needed help. He'd be there for me no matter what."

He looked down at Steve who lay unmoving and unaware. He could almost hear Steve saying _'I can't even help myself, how can I help anyone else?'_.

"Thanks for all your help Billy. I'll make sure Steve knows he owes you one, well more than one. I'll get him to pay the deductible for your car repair." smiled the blonde.

With a quiet laugh, the big cop gave him a half-salute saying, "Don't worry about it Tiger. The old lady's loaded. Gotta go home now and _apologize_ for my sudden abandonment of my beloved on such a cold night." He winked suggestively and let himself out of the room.

Now alone with his charge, Danny sighed and hands on hips, looked down at the man now snoring on the bed, mouth open and actually drooling.

Steve couldn't go on like this and Danny was sorely afraid the impatient man wouldn't even bother with a slow death by alcohol.

…..

***5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0***

**Reviews are **_**almost**_** better than chocolate. (I can't believe I said that but I admit I'm a trifle needy). Would love to hear from you.**


	10. Consequences

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 9

**Here's another long chapter. Hope you like it. Was trying to complete this before the new season begins but don't think I'm going to accomplish my goal. Shall struggle mightily not to immerse myself so deeply in the show that I forget to update.**

**Your reviews, alerts and favorites make me feel absolutely giddy. Ninja cats are puzzled by it since there is no catnip involved. Husband just rolls his eyes and asks if dinner is going to be late again.**

**Disclaimer: My lotto winner fantasy has been replaced by the fantasy of their being mine and that I make money from writing about them. Money can't buy everything. (I'm sure you guys can supply the punch line). **

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Consequences

It was now almost six A.M. and morning dawned as expected with Steve spending most of it draped over a toilet bowl or lying on the tiled floor and groaning. Though he remembered nearly nothing of the night before, he knew whatever he'd done had not been the wisest. The previous night's excess had manifested in round after round of dry heaves and what could inadequately be described as a monumental headache.

Danny, this time having no fear his partner would take off for parts unknown, was about to leave to get some Tylenol and whatever he could find that might help make Steve's misery bearable.

_I should just let the moron tough it out on his own_, he thought sourly,_ serves him right for taking off_.

Softening his attitude as he reluctantly conceded Steve probably had good reason to try to drink himself to death, he relented. Knocking on the bathroom door, he asked, "How you doing in there babe?" Getting only a groan in response, he couldn't help adding, "Wanna go get plowed again tonight? It's on me."

"Fuck-off, Danny!" was the muffled reply through the closed door, followed by the sound of another groan and another round of heaving.

"Be right back. I'm taking pity on you and getting you some Gatorade and Tylenol. It's the universal remedy for children with the flu and idiots who decide that killing off a few billion brain cells with alcohol poisoning is a good idea. If you so much as look at the exit, I'm going to tie you to your bed. Capiche?"

"You've got to be kidding." groaned the hoarse voice from the bathroom.

Danny assumed his partner was talking about the exit part rather the threatened consequences but he'd take what he could get. Chuckling, he grabbed his wallet and room key and went to look for hangover supplies.

…..

The bathroom door opened and Steve staggered out holding his head as though it would roll off his shoulders. Shirtless and shoeless, he stopped his forward progress abruptly, nearly losing his balance. He paused as if to gauge the distance from his standing position to the surface of the bed and making a decision, gritted his teeth and gingerly lowered himself onto it.

"Danny," he groaned into the shaky hands he held to his face, "did you bring your gun?"

"Of course not!" said the blonde, even though the weapon was hidden in his luggage. "Why do you want to know?" he asked narrowing his eyes at the pathetic creature before him as he twisted the cap off a bottle of Gatorade to hand to his partner.

"If you had it, you could do me the kind favor of putting me out of my misery."

"Sorry babe, you're not a horse, just the back-end of one."

"Bite me!" said the raspy voice from behind the hands as one of them shakily reached toward the bottle of orange liquid. He knew it wasn't the most creative response but it was the best he could come up with under the circumstances.

With an evil grin, the blonde said, "No thanks, but what I'd like to sink my teeth into is a humongous cheese and kielbasa sandwich. You know the ones loaded with grilled onions and peppers where the cheese and grease just drips off your elbows. They have the best kielbasa here in Chicago. We'll have to track a couple of those puppies down before we leave."

"Oh, God" gasped the hungover man as he thumped the plastic bottle down on the nightstand and lurched off the bed toward the bathroom.

"You want something for breakfast?" Danny called after him, smugly knowing the answer would be negative.

"No, just a bullet." was the hoarse answer from the other side of the door.

….

By late-morning, Danny had checked in with Chin and found nothing much going on the cousins couldn't handle. He brushed off any questions about Steve with the vague answer their boss was recovering from a hangover and the two of them would be on their way home as soon as the storm allowed the airport to reopen.

When he left, he hadn't told them anything other than he was taking a few days off to meet Steve and help him with a few things before coming back home. The cousins were afire with curiosity but knew, eventually, they'd find out what was going on. They just hoped their boss hadn't gotten himself into something he couldn't get out of. The man attracted trouble like black clothing seems to attract cat hair.

The man in question was feeling marginally better and had managed to keep down the Gatorade and a few crackers. How he looked was another matter altogether.

While waiting with the phone to his ear for airline/airport closure information, Danny sat on his bed and evaluated his partner's appearance as the tall man was slowly getting dressed after a longer than usual shower. Since he'd last seen Steve in swim trunks during Gracie's last surfing lesson, the tall man's ribs and hipbones were much more prominent. The thin red scar that ran from just below the bottom of his ribcage to disappear under his waistband was a new one. Saying the man looked trashed was being kind.

_When he gets home and Kono sees him, she'll probably first hug him, then yell at him, then begin stuffing him with several of her mother's highest calorie recipes,_ thought Danny.

"See something you like?" asked the SEAL, irritated at his partner's stare, "Don't get your hopes up princess, you're not my type."

Danny only snorted at the dig, "You're looking a little ragged this fine . . . ", he looked out the window at the still falling snow, ". . . frigid day, my friend."

"Go figure." said the tall man grumpily as he pulled on a t-shirt then began rummaging around in his bag for a pair of clean socks.

"Yeah, trying to drink Chicago dry was not one of your brightest ideas, Steven."

"I'll concede the fact." said McGarrett as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror over the chest of drawers on which sat the canvas duffle. Staring back at him were eyes that looked like two holes in a blanket and hair that looked as though it had been styled with an egg beater. He inwardly cringed at the apparition. As Danny would say, (_probably any minute now)_ - 'Not your best look, Babe.'

He was just lucky he didn't remember much of what had gone on last night. It was already embarrassing enough without the ugly details. He vaguely remembered being carried upside down over someone's shoulder. He knew it wasn't Danny and sincerely hoped he'd never again meet the guy who had lugged him back to the room.

Strangely, after missing his evening meds and in no way being able to keep down the morning ones, he felt a little more like himself. The gauzy curtain and the distant feeling were at bay for now. Of course they'd been replaced with nausea and a headache only a bullet could cure. He wasn't entirely sure it was a good trade-off.

So far, he didn't even feel the anxiety and screaming restlessness that seemed to plague him during every moment he was awake without the meds. Maybe physical pain cancelled out the other kind. Whatever. His head ached even thinking about it. Actually, thinking of anything at all was painful.

He considered a try at talking Danny into lessening the dosages but he knew his tough little partner wouldn't be swayed by any argument he might come up with. At least until they got home, maybe being drugged was for the best. He certainly didn't want a repeat of what had happened in the airport and Danny was probably not up to another chase around the city of Chicago. He knew he'd have to behave himself to even be allowed to leave the room without a collar and leash.

"Come on Rambo, let's go down to the coffee shop."

"Just let me die here, Danny." he groaned, "If I even look at anything _you'd_ consider food, I'll be back to driving the porcelain bus."

"Serves you right for taking off like that. It's a wonder you don't have pneumonia as well." snipped Danny, unable to control his industrial-strength mothering instinct.

Steve didn't have an answer. He knew Danny was right. It had been a stupid thing to do but the need to escape was all that drove him. He couldn't even remember why he'd run off but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

"You go ahead, D. Food isn't even remotely interesting to me right now." groaned Steve as he tiredly flopped back onto the bed, only one boot on, the other laying a couple of feet away on the floor. Getting both on at the same go seemed a herculean task at the moment. His head was pounding like a mother-fucker and bending over to retrieve his other boot would make it even more painful.

On the other hand, muddled as his mind was from the previous night's misadventure, now that the meds had worn off he was feeling almost normal - well as normal as his aching head and roiling stomach would let him.

He hoped Danny wouldn't be at him to take this morning's meds. He hated that dull, disconnected feeling they gave him. His hopes were immediately dashed when the blonde addressed him again.

"Sorry, babe; the instructions for some of your medications say you have to eat before taking them. Now that you have a better chance of keeping something down, it's time to be a grown-up again and stick to the agreement."

Steve couldn't argue with that. The reason Caldwell had agreed to let him leave was his promise to take his meds on a regular schedule; well that and Danny agreeing to babysit. That's what the tall man considered it . . . babysitting. He knew deep down he was grateful to have such a friend - someone who actually cared about his wellbeing. He also knew he'd agreed to cooperate and he couldn't go back on his word.

Sitting up and only experiencing mild lightheadedness this time, he found his other boot and pulled it on. He didn't even bother to lace it before standing and saying, "OK, lead the way, Mother Williams."

"Shut-up, asshole" sighed Danny as he walked quickly toward the door - he could hear a hot-fudge sundae calling his name.

…

The storm had stalled over Lake Michigan and wasn't letting up anytime soon. All flights were still cancelled and the airport was shut down for the moment.

Steve agreed to pay for an extra night at the Drake. He himself would've been fine hanging out at the airport if that 'incident' hadn't happened. He'd stayed in far less comfortable surroundings during his lifetime in the military.

Their late breakfast/early lunch wasn't as awful as it could have been. After seeing Danny's order of a mountain of vanilla ice cream covered with fudge, Steve actually did order a sundae and managed to keep it down along with the meds. He figured the extra calories certainly couldn't hurt right now and he wasn't going to be scheduled for anything that would require he be in peak physical condition for a while . . . if ever.

He looked almost sadly at the pills sitting in the palm of his hand. He knew that at least one of those would make him feel really out of it. Sure, he was far less anxious but it was a trade-off. He supposed it was safest for everyone around him to have him drugged to the eyeballs. It had to be done.

As he finished dispensing the last of the meds, Danny noticed his friend's hesitation. "It's okay Steve. I'm with you and it's only temporary. Caldwell says we can lighten up at least on the Ativan as soon as we get home. It's just to lessen the stress of travel so you can get some decent rest."

McGarrett said nothing, he just took the handful of pills and popped them into his mouth, the coffee he'd ordered was cool enough now to wash them down. He'd even had a minor 'discussion' with his partner over regular or decaf and Mother Williams had won . . . of course. He sighed as he took a swallow of the decaffeinated brew that tasted like boiled cardboard.

They talked of nothing significant. Steve could feel the dulling of his senses as the drugs kicked in. _It's for the best, it's for the best, _he repeated the mantra in his head over and over as he smiled at the appropriate places in Danny's animated account of Grace's latest achievement as captain of her soccer team or Kono's latest kick-ass confrontation with a perp.

Danny could see Steve's eyes begin to lose their concentrated, if bloodshot, focus. His heart heavy, the blonde watched the slow transformation to the dull glazed look that had been evident when they'd been reunited at Quantico. _It's for the best,_ he sadly thought.

…..

The nagging guilt of drugging his partner, (with his acquiescence), made him restless for some sort of distraction. It distressed him to see Steve so subdued and compliant. He was used to a man who was almost never still; never without a smart comeback of some sort; never without an audacious solution to a daunting project, (meaning he usually blew something up). Much as he'd long accused his partner of being a child, he didn't like being the only adult in the room.

Shedd Aquarium wasn't that far from the hotel. It certainly shouldn't be crowded on a day like today. Not wanting to leave Steve alone, he talked the SEAL into a field trip. Only the hardiest of cabbies still patrolled the streets for their fares. The city looked nearly deserted as the snow still fell heavily though the wind had somewhat abated.

Danny thought that even if it wasn't the Pacific Ocean, maybe the SEAL wouldn't feel so out of his element if he could look at fish swimming around in a big tank. That was his theory anyway.

Actually, the whole thing seemed disconcerting to Steve as they emerged from the cab onto a snowy sidewalk and trotted up the steps of the aquarium.

One minute they were in the middle of a dismal winter storm and the next, in the middle of the Caribbean. Even without the drugs, it would have been disorienting as exotic and brightly colored fish contained in the huge glass tanks that lined the walkway swam around them on both sides.

Though not really surprised, Danny found that Steve's knowledge of the aquatic world, however slowly dispensed at the moment, was impressive. The SEAL had helped Gracie with her homework and she'd gotten an A on her report on sharks. He worried his baby was planning on being the next Croc Hunter - only with sharks instead of reptiles. If so, he'd have Steve to blame.

They wandered through the exhibit, Danny cringing at the reef sharks swimming inches from his face behind the thick glass. Steve, lost in medication and the underwater world, displayed an unguarded look of awe on his face.

….

It started as a bit of yelling. An angry man in front of the manta exhibit was giving his kid hell for not paying attention. The boy's mother, a small woman with a worried expression was trying to placate the agitated man, pushing the child behind her protectively as she tried to calm and shush her husband. The few people in the area had turned to stare.

Her husband, at least a foot taller and many pounds heavier, suddenly reached out to slap her hard across the face, his own twisted in an angry snarl as the sound reverberated off the hard surfaces of glass and tile.

In a flash, Steve and Danny were there; the detective placing himself between the angry man and his distressed wife as Steve grabbed the man's arms to twist them up behind his back.

"Let me go you asshole! This is between me and my wife!"

"No" said Danny calmly, "Now, it's between you, your wife and two guys who are gonna kick your ass if you raise your hand to this woman again."

"You can't push me around! I know my rights!" yelled the man, unknowingly taking an incredibly stupid stand against a Jersey cop and a Navy SEAL.

Steve growled softly into his ear, "You'd better listen to the man or your wife will be bailing you out of jail or claiming your body from the medical examiner."

"Let go of me you fucking bastard!" he yelled at the SEAL who had no problem twisting the combative man's arms up a little higher as the threats escalated.

"OW! DAMMIT! I'm gonna call the cops! You have no right to restrain me! This is my business!"

"No." calmly replied Danny once again, "When you hauled off and smacked your wife, you made it the business of a couple of cops who happened to be spending a nice quiet day at the aquarium until you decided to disturb it. I'd choose my words wisely if I were you and calm the hell down."

"Please Jeff! Do what they say! I don't want you to get hurt!" said the frightened woman, her son peeking out worriedly from behind his mother, eyes wide.

Steve wondered how she could even defend the brute as blood dripped from her nose and her cheek began to swell. He let his partner take the lead. Danny would be better at figuring this out. His years as a cop rolling on domestic violence calls always came in handy in these situations.

Steve really didn't understand the woman's defense of the man. He knew if it were Kono or Cath, the women would've fucking cold-cocked the bastard by now with absolutely no need to be 'rescued' by a couple of off-duty cops. It would have been the last time the guy ever tried any crap like that on either of them.

Jeff stopped struggling, still breathing heavily; his face was flushed and the veins in his neck visibly pulsing. The battered woman pleaded with her two rescuers to let her husband go. The boy, a towhead who looked to be about ten or so clung to her fiercely, frightened but not crying.

"Please!" plead the woman, "He's getting help. He's not always like this. He just hasn't been able to . . . cope very well lately. Please let him go, we'll go right home. Please!"

"Ma'am, don't you want to report this? I would advise you to do so." said Danny.

"No. No police. Jeff's a good man, he's just . . . he just got back from duty and he's not quite back to himself yet. He has an appointment tomorrow. It will be okay until then, I'm sure of it."

Still reluctant to release the asshole to his wife, Danny hesitatingly agreed. "Okay, if you're sure." he said, not wanting to look at his partner. This was awkward in more ways than one.

Against his better judgment, he nodded to Steve who reluctantly released his hold on the jerk.

"Come on Jeff, honey. Let's go home." said the woman as she tugged her husband away. The boy looked sadly back at Steve who stood as though he was made of stone watching the little family make their way toward the exit.

"Come on, Steven, we still haven't seen the otters." said the blonde as he put his hand on Steve's arm. As soon as his fingers touched the tightly bunched muscles, he felt Steve flinch and then roughly pull away, eyes still fastened on the three people who were now nearly out of sight.

"Steven, we've got more things to see here, let's go." He spoke to him quietly and calmly but in his head was the thought, _Oh shit. What now._

Turning toward the detective he asked almost desperately, "Is that what I'm like? Danny, is that what I'm like!" His voice was shaking. His entire body was trembling now.

"No, no, you're nothing like that guy. He was probably an asshole to begin with. You're nothing like that buddy. I know you wouldn't hurt anyone, particularly a woman and a kid. That's not you babe."

Haunted hazel-blue eyes bored into his, "Danny, if that's what I'm like, then I shouldn't even be out in public! I shouldn't even be out of a locked cage!"

"Steven, it's OK. We'll have time to sort this out when we get home. Don't worry, babe. I repeat - you're **nothing** like that guy. I know you wouldn't hurt a woman, you wouldn't harm anyone who didn't deserve it."

Stricken and pale, the tall man looked toward the exhibit's exit through which the three had just disappeared. He softly said, "It's too late. You don't know what I've done. You have no idea."

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Next chapter up in about four days. I bet most of you can guess what's coming. You guys are really sharp!**


	11. Control

Chapter 11

**Here's another. RL decided to pounce on me again so I had to sort of rush it. Please feel free to point out any errors if they bother you. I'm losing momentum, (or perhaps it's just the excitement of the season premier that's distracting me). Please let me know what you think of this chapter. Been trying to convey how a strong and usually stoic person would handle such a heavy burden. This disorder can sometimes break even the strongest and most highly trained men and women. Doing my best to not trivialize their struggle.**

**Thank you to all those who reviewed, alerted and listed this in their favorites. I truly appreciate hearing from you.**

**Disclaimer: They still own it and I don't.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Control

After several minutes, Steve's anxiety seemed to subside. Danny could see the tense rigidity leave his body as his shoulders slumped in tired acceptance.

The detective sighed in relief. Admittedly, the medication seemed to be working but guilt over having to dispense it was gnawing at him. Perhaps even more than his troubled partner, he'd be happy to get back to Hawaii so that Steve could begin his therapy with whichever doctor Caldwell had requested for him and the new doctor could oversee the medication. He'd be happier still when Steve no longer needed it.

Another call to Alan Caldwell that morning had the psychiatrist once again changing the dosage of the Ativan. He was concerned about Steve's bolting from the hotel the night before. Danny didn't go into the details of his partner's Houdini act that had him dashing out into a snowstorm while neglecting to wear a jacket. Though Caldwell had been uneasy over the incident, he didn't seem surprised.

In any case, other than the hangover, Steve wasn't really the worse for wear and Danny thought his partner had come to recognize that what he'd done wasn't going to get him any closer to his goal of going back to work. Steve hadn't even questioned it when the pills handed to him were increased in quantity. He either didn't notice or didn't care.

Except of course for the 'Jeff' incident, the field trip had been pleasant and maybe even informative. In a while, they were once again engrossed in the wonders of the aquatic world. Danny had learned quite a bit about sea life - maybe even more than he wanted to know.

By the time Steve had explained that many species of shark are not that dangerous and they'd been demonized as man-eaters, Danny almost felt sorry for them . . . almost. Even if Steve, Kono and the entire Pacific Fleet were near, he still didn't want his little girl within a thousand miles of one. He still held his breath every time she got into the ocean. He'd seen 'Jaws' one too many times to ever be comfortable with his baby sharing the Pacific with an overly aggressive fish with way too many teeth.

As the day wore on, Steve actually appeared serene. Though not necessarily his old self, he seemed more engaged in his surroundings. Maybe braving a storm to spend a few hours at the aquarium was a good idea after all. Maybe, it was just the opportunity for Steve to engage in a little minor ass-kicking that made him feel better. _With Steve, the activity had to be therapeutic,_ thought his amused partner.

Danny's stomach growled loudly in the quiet of the rotunda that housed the Caribbean Reef exhibit. Apparently, a hot fudge sundae wasn't substantial enough to get him through until dinner.

Steve looked queasy when Danny suggested they go look for some of those Polska kielbasa sandwiches. He was in no way up to the ingestion of greasy sausage and cheese on a roll. _Surely they'd have something else on the menu that would be edible,_ thought the man with the greenish cast to his complexion. He reluctantly agreed to go in search of the legendary, (in Danny's mind at least), sandwich.

After their confrontation with Jeff, the SEAL had carefully put the mask back in place. He knew that's how he'd appeared to others, dangerous and wild-eyed. He was trying with all his might to hold it together. Even with the dulling effect of the drugs, nearly every loud sound, every strong breath of air over his skin was cause for his heart to hammer in his chest. Cause to fight or run. Cause for the waking nightmares to return.

He had to get home to his ocean. The familiar water would be the salve for his abraded psyche; the way it wrapped him in its cool arms, the rocking motion of its waves. The sea was his salvation . . . had been for many years. He had to get back to her.

Whatever they did, they'd have to wrap it up soon and return to the Drake. It looked as though the storm may be lessening and a flight out could be in the near future. It would be wise to get further rest before getting on another plane. Danny pulled out his cell to once again check airport conditions.

After the altercation with Jeffrey, the detective had seen the mask slip back into place. His partner seemed fine but Danny knew Steve was seriously affected by the confrontation. He wished there was something more he could say to the distressed man to convince him that he was a good person who couldn't possibly harm anyone who didn't deserve it.

He'd caught the flash of Steve's sad realization that maybe, that's how he had appeared at the airport – violent and out of control. He knew Steve was ashamed of what had been happening. The man was all about control. To suddenly not have it must be seriously freaking him out.

Steve seemed to be doing well enough now. He'd been all business during the little altercation but Danny was glad for the sedative effect of the anti-anxiety drug. After last night, he'd considered giving his freaked out partner the mysterious drug that Caldwell had slipped into his pocket. There were many unpleasant side effects to it Steve really didn't need right now. It was a pretty heavy duty anti-psychotic and its effect wouldn't even be immediate unless it was in injectable form. He'd hold off for now.

Danny's online research into PTSD had told him that even the strongest and most highly trained people could be subject to the syndrome. If something traumatic triggered it, there was an entire range of reactions – none of them good. Steve was exhibiting some of them and Danny's heart ached for him.

…

Standing before the river exhibit and watching the otters frolic, his mind was elsewhere. Steve thought control had always been his ultimate talent: control of situations, his actions, his emotions. He supposed Danny was even right about the driving thing. It was a control issue. He didn't just _like_ to drive the sleek silver Camaro, he _needed_ to drive it.

Since coming back from deployment, he couldn't seem to control anything. He'd been locked up like an animal because of this lack of control. His life was in control of others, first the doctors, now his partner. Maybe it was good that nothing really seemed to have any meaning or importance right now. Everything slowly passed before him like a mechanized diorama. At this point, he was just an observer of his own existence.

Yet, deep down, he could feel something savage in its strength - an irrational anger: deep, burning, molten core, anger . . . and there was the fear. The fear that whatever created that anger was going to devour him but first it would flay whatever protective hide he still possessed right off his body to lay bare things he could never show to the world. If they knew what he was really like, what he'd done . . . well, he couldn't survive that. Maybe he didn't want to.

The feeling of unease that lingered after their confrontation with the obviously disturbed Jeff was nagging ceaselessly at him. The creatures in the tank before him chased each other in happy abandon but he didn't really see them. He was seeing the twisted, angry face of someone so like himself, someone who knew he shouldn't be here among the living.

As Danny had once said to him at one of the endless fundraisers before they were to meet with a VIP at the Governor's mansion; 'Whatever you do, don't be yourself'. Though his partner had said it in jest, he knew the man was right. Right now, 'himself' was something that should go dig a deep dark hole and crawl into it.

…

Having been there for several hours, they'd run out of things to see. Well, they hadn't so much as run out of things as they'd succumbed to tired feet and Danny's growling stomach. Deciding to call it a day, they'd gotten to the exit and were standing on the front steps trying to spot a cab when they heard the flat popping sounds.

Both men immediately knew it wasn't backfire from a cold engine being asked to come to life. The sound was too familiar. People began to pour frantically out of the aquarium entrance; mostly families with small children.

Without thinking twice, Steve, Danny right behind him, went swiftly toward the sound, fighting their way back into the building, badges held above their heads to identify themselves as law enforcement

Seeing the shiny shields, no matter that they were from an entirely different state, (most people were in too much of a hurry to actually read them closely), several in the crowd pointed toward the left side of the building.

Luckily, for some reason, Danny had shoved his H & K into his overcoat pocket just before they left the hotel. Steve did a classic double take when he spotted the weapon that seemed to magically appear in his partner's hand. He'd assumed Danny wasn't armed. They'd have to have a talk about it later.

"Call 911!" the SEAL yelled to a woman who clutched her cell in her hand a look of terror etched onto her face. "Tell them there are two officers in civilian attire on scene but only one is armed!"

The woman, her wits still about her, nodded and began speaking into her cell phone. She'd already been in the process of connecting with an emergency operator.

The SEAL cursed to himself for the spacey detached feeling that plagued him. Now wasn't the time for slowed reflexes. Danny clipped his badge to his coat and motioned for Steve to do the same. Neither of them ever went anywhere without it - armed or not. Danny had always liked to say that even if it didn't impress the bad guys, it was good for a free coffee and maybe a glazed donut in any city in the country.

The crowd was thinning out. Because of the weather, the aquarium hadn't been as crowded as it was usually. _Thank God for small favors_ thought the blonde as he raised his weapon in front of him, no longer having to worry about accidentally hitting anyone in the surging mob that was now gathered on the imposing front steps that led to Lake Shore Drive.

Crouching as they slowly advanced, they could hear no more gunfire. The only sound was of their own breathing, loud and harsh in the now empty rotunda.

Steve spotted it first. A rivulet of blood coming from the other side of a large free-standing tank of crustaceans. It had run down a slight slope in the floor to begin pooling on the tile. There was no sound from anyone else in the building. The visitors had all evacuated. They crept cautiously forward, because he was armed Danny in the lead. The detective knew there would be no way Steve would consent to staying back. Besides, even unarmed, the man was a weapon in himself.

Finally rounding the corner of the tank, they saw what both almost expected to see. Two bodies . . . no, three. There was Jeffrey sprawled in a messy heap, a gun beside him, skull shattered by a bullet he'd put there himself. His wife lay a few feet away, atop their son. Both looked to be dead as well.

Danny muttered, _Dammit!_, under his breath and quickly looked to Steve whose face showed nothing.

….

They stayed to give their statements. Familiar with how it works, Danny patiently took a seat on a bench near the entrance as Steve paced back and forth like a caged cheetah. Danny had decided to use that metaphor rather than a lion or tiger because, his friend, like the animal, was long and lean and fast. One of Steve's infamous flying tackles was very much like watching one of those big spotted cats on Animal Planet as it took down its prey. Despite the display of nervous energy, Steve's face remained impassive, giving nothing of his thoughts.

Danny fingered the vial of Ativan in his pocket. It was too soon to give Steve another hit. He hoped they could get back to the hotel soon. His partner looked about to vaporize himself with the nervous energy that rolled off him as he passed in front of the blonde for what seemed the thousandth time in the last five minutes.

He spotted Bill on the other side of the rotunda. The big redhead was interviewing a woman who had a couple of kids with her. Thankfully, the bodies, though they still lay on the tile floor, were covered with yellow plastic sheets and weren't visible from there.

Letting the woman go on her way, Bill waved the two of them over. Danny motioned for Steve to join him and they walked across the empty space.

"Detective" greeted Danny to his former partner who nodded back at him curiously looking at a now sober McGarrett.

"So, you guys managed to find some excitement, huh."

"Unfortunately." answered Danny as Steve remained silent beside him.

"Steven, this is my former partner at Newark PD, Bill O'Mara. You two actually met last night but you probably don't remember."

Steve's pale face immediately reddened in embarrassment as he shook O'Mara's big paw. "Uhh, hi." He managed to say as obviously 'Pleased to meet you' wasn't the correct response.

"You're looking a little more . . . upright." smiled O'Mara knowing that humor was probably the best way to deal with the awkwardness.

"Hope so. Uhh, thanks for your help last night."

"No problem. Good thing you don't weigh that much." laughed O'Mara getting as much mileage out of the introduction as possible. He'd wanted to meet the man in whom Detective Daniel Williams found so much value. Well, at least meet him sober and standing on his own feet. The guy was formidable enough. He had a coiled danger about him. O'Mara was glad he was on their side.

It was unfortunate that they meet again in even more uncomfortable circumstances but cops were used to chit chat over gory scenes. It was what they unfortunately knew would be part of the job. The ones who couldn't cope with it found other lines of work.

"So" he said all business now, "I know you gave your statements already but I want to hear for myself. What happened? How did you guys get involved in this?"

"Well, I already told you how my partner here is a trouble magnet," Steve only looked at him tiredly. He'd normally have been annoyed but it really didn't matter at this point.

"Well" continued Danny, "We heard a ruckus over by the stingray exhibit and when we got there, the asshole had just smacked his wife hard across the face. He'd been yelling at his poor kid for not paying attention and the wife intervened. Slapped her hard enough to cause a nosebleed and a swollen cheek. We broke it up but the guy copped an even worse attitude about being interrupted during his assault. We talked to him," O'Mara thought, _yeah, 'talked'_, "and he calmed down. His wife refused to involve you guys and said he had problems that were being worked on. Said they were going to go right home."

Danny sighed sadly, adding, "I'm sorry I let them go. I should have called you guys myself."

Steve stood quietly, not adding to the dialog. It all seemed surreal now anyway, now that the urgency had gone and the bodies lay cooling on the tile floor as sea creatures gathered curiously on that side of their tank; observing the strange goings on of humans.

"You got anything to add?" asked O'Mara, looking at the quiet man beside his ex-partner.

"He was just back from deployment somewhere. Probably having issues because of it." said Steve flatly without any indication of emotion. "If you check with the local V.A., they probably have records of it."

Now it was O'Mara's turn to be a little uncomfortable though McGarrett didn't look bothered by his statement.

"Bill, I know this shit takes forever but we need to get back to the Drake. We, uhh, have some stuff to do before we get ready to leave. There isn't any need for us to hang around is there?"

McGarrett spoke unprompted, "I have to get back to take my medication. I didn't bring it with me."

O'Mara was a little startled at McGarrett's candor. He'd looked him in the eye when he said it. The big man almost shivered at the glimpse of such emptiness. All he saw in the dark blue eyes was desolation, there was absolutely nothing alive there.

"Yeah, let me check with Brownie, uhh Lieutenant Browne to see if you guys can go now. We know where to find you if we need you. Looks like that storm is still stalled over the lake. Airport's not open yet."

Danny studied Steve while the tall man stared off after O'Mara who'd gone to join a group of other cops gathered near the bodies. The coroner hadn't yet carted them away. Technicians were still on the scene, crawling around like industrious ants measuring distances and trajectories and tagging evidence.

His friend was calm and composed. Maybe too calm. He'd been completely non-reactive since finding the bodies and had once again retreated into his own mind. It was time to get back to the Drake. Danny was worried, well even more worried if that was even possible.

The snow continued to fall on the Windy City.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Next chapter may take a little longer but will be up within the week. It will have a longer segment of what so deeply affected Steve. Sorry for the delay in posting this one.**

**Anticipation of the premier is getting to me. Am making the cats nervous. Husband is ready to sedate me.**


	12. A Breath Away

Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 12

**Here's a short chapter to keep it going. Sorry for the delay in posting. Apparently RL isn't done smacking me around yet. I also have to apologize for the delay in replies. Hope to be caught up shortly. Thank you for your reviews, alerts and favorites. Please let me know what you think of this chapter. Remember that sign over my desk that says 'Will work for reviews'?**

**Disclaimer: If I made any money from this, ninja cats would be sent on a cruise with husband while I am happily ensconced on beach with an umbrella drink in one hand while I run the other through a head of dark, grey flecked hair or thick blonde locks. I'll have to toss a coin to determine which. I'm sure the other will patiently wait for me. Oh, okay, time to take my meds now.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

A Breath Away

O'Mara strolled back in their direction to give them the okay to leave. It seemed to be a straightforward murder/suicide. One could call it cut and dried but the big man knew it wasn't so for those who had to endure the aftermath.

There was always the _'What could we have done?' or 'Why didn't we see it coming?' - _questions that would always haunt those left behind. If those who'd chosen to end their lives could come back for a brief moment to witness the unending anguish, he was pretty sure most would want to revoke the irrevocable; undo the devastation, unbreak the hearts of those left behind.

Later, the assembled detectives would assign someone to make the death notifications to the relatives. If there was sufficient ID on the bodies, they wouldn't wait for the M.E.'s office to do it. No one ever volunteered for the duty. Sometimes it was decided by a cut of the cards or drawing of straws. O'Mara considered it the toughest one of all, particularly if it involved children. It was unspeakably difficult to witness faces nearly frozen in agony as he told them a loved one was never again coming home. The grief was exponential. It spread outward in a widening circle as relatives notified each other of the loss of one of their own.

He loved being a cop but he hated that part of the job. Junie always understood when he came home after making a death notification. She would hug him and soothe him and tell him what he needed to hear. She'd been telling him those things for years now. He loved her more than life itself.

He sighed tiredly as he walked back toward his waiting friend. He was worried about Danny and his too tightly wound partner. After looking into those eyes . . . well, he hoped he was wrong. He sincerely hoped he was wrong.

"Thanks for checking Billy, we're going back to the Drake for the night. You got any recs for a good Polish sausage sandwich? Would be a shame to leave town without one." smiled Danny.

"Yeah, tell the cabbie you want to go to Podhalanka over on Division Street. It's the best in town. It'll be like eatin' at your granny's if the old woman was from Warsaw. Probably shorten your life by ten years but it'll be worth it. Tell 'em Billy sent ya. They'll take care of you."

"Thanks babe. You know how to reach us if you need anything else. Call you when we get back home. Say hi to Junie for me."

"Talk to you later, Tiger. You guys take care."

The three shook hands in farewell and went about their business: O'Mara to the business of sorting out the lives of the dead and at least one of the other two to begin sorting out how to get back to the living.

"Seems like a nice guy." said Steve for lack of anything else to say as they strode out of the aquarium and down the steps to Lake Shore Drive. It was nearly dark now and the blue and white strobes of the squad cars lit up snowdrifts on either side of the drive. The light show was augmented with amber and red flashes from an unneeded ambulance or two. It would have looked almost festive but circumstances dictated otherwise.

"Tiger?" asked Steve as Danny winced.

…

_His thirst was nearly unbearable. He lay unmoving on the rocky floor of the cave, trying not to provoke any more outbursts from his captors. As he lay there, he wondered why he was still alive. He was no more or less tough or prepared than the others had been. He was no more or less determined to complete the mission. Why was he still here while the others had gone? Why?_

_There was more activity and a small group of women and children were herded into the rocky opening._

_Harsh orders were spat at them and the children whimpered as their mothers shushed them and gathered them closer._

_His vision grayed out and he lost track of time. He could feel movement of people in and out of the cave but was too exhausted to open his eyes. He could tell others were brought in as others were taken away. There was always the sound of strident commands and crying children. This time when he awoke he found someone staring down at him._

_Her eyes, were like that girl in the famous photograph: a strange mix of mottled green and blue with golden flecks. She smiled at him. He tried to return it but knew it probably looked more like a grimace. _

_She had her scarf pulled close about her face and there was a baby on her hip probably not more than a year old. It looked at him with huge soft eyes . . . like a deer . . . like Bambi. The child was beautiful._

_She held something out toward him. He glanced over at their guard who sat at the cave entrance smoking and staring off into the distance._

_He tried to warn her with his eyes but she continued to hold it in front of him. It was an apple, small and discolored – barely edible but, to him, it looked like a feast._

_He reached toward it, taking his eyes off the man with the rifle. Her hand held it steady. There was no tremble in it. The small piece of fruit lay in her palm. Her hand was slender, delicate and graceful._

_He was nearly as taken with its perfect beauty as he was with her kind offering. His own filthy, blood stained hand reached toward it. He tried to steady it but it shook with pain and exhaustion._

_Suddenly, the baby in her arms chose that moment to shriek. He never knew why it screamed. He never had the chance to find out. He didn't even know if it was a boy or girl._

_Its piercing scream made the guard turn his head toward them. Yelling a curse, he rushed into the cave_.

….

"Steve?"

Startled, he looked up to find Danny staring at him expectantly, a menu in his hand waiting for him to order something as a stout, aproned woman stood by to take their order.

He shakily reached toward the glass of water that had been set before him, grabbing it and gulping it down in one go then he took Danny's tumbler and rapidly downed it as well. He was so thirsty. Why was he so thirsty? He felt as though his skin was on fire as though some non-existent sunlight had scorched through his clothing.

Danny was cautiously watchful. He'd seen the glazed look come over his partner's face moments before when someone in the kitchen had dropped something that landed with a crash and began cursing loudly in what he assumed was Polish. The tall man had flinched but sat quietly. After another moment, he knew Steve was suddenly somewhere else. Only his body sat across from him at the oilcloth covered table.

Caldwell had told him that flashbacks could happen anytime and anywhere. Usually, they'd be triggered by something unexpected. It could be a sound, the sight of something familiar or even an odor. If the person experiencing it wasn't endangering themself or others, it was best to just let them come back on their own. Don't do anything to startle them further but wait and maybe speak softly to them until they came back to the present.

"Just bring him some chicken soup." Danny said quickly, to their waitress, wanting her to leave them alone for the moment.

"Steven? You okay? Hey, Steve?" he spoke in a low, soft tone.

"Uhh, yeah, yeah. What were you asking?" said Steve flustered and feverish looking; his eyes beginning to lose their distant gaze and focus on the man across from him. He'd broken out in a sweat: body remembering an experience his mind tried to suppress.

"S'okay, babe. I ordered you some chicken soup. Is that alright? I didn't think you wanted one of those sandwiches but, I'm tellin' ya, you're missing a good thing." he smiled trying to get Steve to come fully back to the present.

"Good, that sounds good." mumbled the tall man looking at the empty glass in his hand with an almost puzzled expression. Danny knew he could have told his partner he'd ordered him a buffalo on a bun and Steve wouldn't have realized what was said as he struggled to return from wherever he'd been.

Though still a little shaky, in a couple more minutes, Steve was more or less back to himself again. He sipped at the hot tea placed before him by the waitress who'd told them her name was Ania. Setting a cup of coffee before Danny, she smiled and asked, "So, how do you guys know Billy? You cops too?"

Danny had remembered to tell her that Billy had sent them here to get the best Polish food in town. _Hey, couldn't hurt_, thought the detective as they were shown to a table in the small, cluttered restaurant filled with intriguing smells.

"Uhh, yeah. Billy and I used to work together a long time ago. We're just visiting for a couple of days." offered Danny as Steve remained silent.

"I thought you looked like law enforcement types." she smiled knowingly, revealing a gold-capped tooth. She had a slight accent and a motherly air about her. _Billy was right_, thought the blonde as he looked around the small restaurant with the plastic flowers on the table and kitschy decor. _Just like Granny Galluzzi's - only Polish instead of Italian._

After a good while, their food arrived. It appeared to be worth the wait. The aroma of sausage and onions wafted from Danny's plate and a huge, steaming bowl of homemade chicken soup and what seemed an entire loaf of dense dark bread along with a huge slab of butter were placed beside it. The soup looked and smelled wonderful admitted Steve to himself but looked at Danny with one eyebrow raised as his partner picked up half of the humongous sandwich and took a big bite.

"Tellin' ya, you don't know what you're missing." he mumbled around his mouthful of sandwich. "This lives up to the hype. I'm in heaven."

"Better than pineapple on pizza?" smirked the tall man.

"Don't be sacrilegious Steven." scolded Danny like a good Polish/Italian mother.

Steve only smiled weakly. His skin still burned and his bones still ached. It seems a restaurant on the south side of Chicago is still only a tortured breath away from the sun bleached desert.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Next update in about five days or so.

_Please_ review. I'm not too proud to ask – I'm a very cheap date.


	13. Hold it Down

Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 13

**Here's another to keep it going. I promise to get the guys home in the next chapter. Not a lot revealed in this one but I hope you like it anyway. Sorry for the long delay. RL bit me on the butt and has hung on like a pit bull so haven't had much time to write.**

**Sincere thanks to those who've reviewed the last chapter and those who've added this to alerts and favorites. That you took the time to comment means so much to me.**

**Disclaimer: Have acquired a horseshoe, a shamrock, and have wished upon a star and they're still not mine. I knew that stuff was a bunch of bunk.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Hold it Down

It had _finally_ ceased snowing. After their wonderfully comforting meal they caught a cab back to the Drake. The cabbie, a chatty man with the thick Midwestern accent one could hear throughout the city informed them the local television news reported the airport was once again open and thousands of people were trying to leave town. He added that anyone who wasn't already booked would have to have an act of Congress to get a ticket. Danny cursed silently to himself. As wonderful as the city was, he'd be much happier to get Steve home. He was pretty sure his partner felt the same.

The aquarium incident still weighed heavily on them both. It felt good to get back to their room to be able to relax and unwind. After watching a bit of the eleven o'clock newscast on which the shooting at the Shedd Aquarium was the big lead, pushing even Mother Nature's doings to a lesser time, Danny quickly changed channels to land on a rerun of one of the more preposterous television cop shows.

This particular series featured a pair of female detectives who looked to be straight from the cover of Vogue. Their stiletto heeled chases through the streets of crime were ludicrous but kinda hot nevertheless thought both men who lounged on their beds, grateful for the distraction of female pulchritude. A cold beer would be really good right now thought Danny as he eyed the refrigerated bar in which a measly bag of peanuts cost a fortune. He'd have to control himself for the moment. Besides, it would be unfair to Steve to drink a beer in front of him. Because of the sleeping pill and some of the other meds he was about to give his partner, alcohol was a big no no.

He heard Steve's derisive chuff at the ridiculous conclusion of the program in which one of the women, a sleek dark-haired beauty, planted a blade-like heel on the back of a perp's neck while the other, an equally attractive honey blonde, crouched in a very ladylike way to cuff him. Shaking his head at the ludicrousness of it Danny stood to make his way to the bathroom to get the pill vials that sat on the marble counter. As the final credits began to roll he handed Steve his nightly meds. Without a word of protest, Steve took what he was handed and downed them with a bottle of water.

"Maybe you can dream of one of those hot girl detectives." smiled Danny. "You like the blonde or the brunette?"

"The brunette, she talks less." Steve said grumpily as he pulled back the covers and slid under them.

"Yeah she is pretty hot . . . hey! Is that some sort of dig?"

Steve turned to look at him blankly for a brief moment before smirking, "Danny, are you seriously comparing yourself to a beautiful woman? Sorry, but you're still not my type. Anyway, told you already; I like brunettes."

"Well, you've got a pretty hot brunette of your own waiting for you when you get home." winked Danny.

Taking a moment for the statement to register Steve barked "What!" looking not the least bit happy. He'd assumed Danny hadn't meant Kono. "You told Cath?!"

"Calm down Rambo, she called before I left and I told her that I was going to help you get back home from the hospital. She's worried about you and said she had some leave coming so she thought she'd be able to make it to Honolulu by next week."

"You told her I was locked up in the loony bin at Quantico!" Steve yelled loud enough to cause their neighbor to pound on the wall that separated the next room.

"Sorry!" Danny yelled back to the wall pounder, not wanting to get a visit from the night manager – even if it was the very unintimidating orthodontically-challenged boy they'd met last night in the lobby.

"Steve, Steve, It's okay." said Danny, holding his hands out in a placating motion. "All she knows is that you were injured and needed some help getting home. I only told her about the physical stuff. She doesn't know about the rest. Honest."

"She wasn't supposed to know anything!" Steve's voice had started out loudly but ended in a quieter hiss. "What the hell!"

"Steven, calm down dammit. You've been with this woman for how many years? I know she's been there for you in the past when you've been injured. Why would this be any different? You need your family around you to get through this. Just accept that you actually need other people you idiot. Accept that you don't have to be strong all the time! That even you, Mister-Lone-Wolf-American-Terminator-Ninja, needs help sometimes."

Steve became silent, brows knit and lips thinned into a stubborn line. He ran his hands over his face in frustration and let out a slow breath, closing his eyes trying to get back some sense of calm. If he wasn't so pissed he would've laughed at Danny's recitation of strung together names.

"Steven, I was only trying to help. You can't go through this alone no matter how tough you think you are. No one should have to face things like this alone. Please, let us help you. We're worried about you and want you to be . . . "

"What? Less dangerous?" scoffed the SEAL.

"We want you to be . . . yourself again." flailed Danny, at a loss for a good descriptive phrase. Probably one of the few times in his life words failed him.

"You have no idea what you're asking!" said Steve with a bitter huff, "You have no clue what I'm really like."

"I know you are a kind and decent man." said Danny simply.

"Kind! Decent!" said Steve raising his voice again and waving his arms more in the style of his partner than his usually reserved self. "What kind and decent man would let someone he was supposed to protect be killed in front of him? What kind and decent man would kill a baby huh?! Leave me alone! Just leave me the fuck alone!"

With that startling outburst Steve jumped up from bed and stormed off to the bathroom, the only other room available to storm off to, and angrily slammed the door making the wall shake with its violent closure.

There was more pounding on the common wall between rooms and a faint, "Hey! Hold it down!" from next door.

"Sorry!" again yelled Danny in reply to the unseen man who was probably having his sleep interrupted by the ruckus. The poor guy had the right to be pissed about the noise.

Danny felt as though he'd been punched in the gut. _What did Steve mean he'd killed a baby?_ He knew it wasn't true but how could his best friend say something like that?

Though it made absolutely no difference, Danny lowered the volume on the TV and sat staring at it without actually seeing what was presented on the glowing screen. He had no idea how to approach Steve. He waited for him to return to the room, hoping his friend would be calmer and maybe there'd be some sort of an explanation for his disturbing statement.

…..

Okay, here he was in this little tiled room trying to calm down. Danny had done it this time; violated his privacy by telling Cath about his troubles. He was so angry with his partner. So angry that Danny, the person he trusted with his life, would betray him by contacting the woman who . . .

_The woman who what?_ He wondered as he tried to take a deep breath to quell the incredible shakiness that made his legs tremble. He had to hold to the edge of the sink to keep from crumpling to the floor. _I'm just fucking pathetic_, he thought as he tried to slow his breathing and regain some control.

Now, Cath would see him when he wasn't in his right mind. Cath - the woman who'd stood by him so many times in the past. The woman he cared for more than he wanted to admit, even to himself. Hell, their relationship had probably only worked because they didn't live on top of one another. If they spent any more time together would she come to the conclusion he wasn't worth her time? If she knew what he was really like . . .

He couldn't be good for her, he couldn't be good for anyone when all he could see were the pleading faces of the dying every time he closed his eyes. Looking into the mirror, he hated what he saw staring back. He hated everything about himself. He hated that he was too much of a coward to do something about it. No one should have to waste their time babysitting such a pathetic creature. Someone who couldn't stop the slaughter of the innocent, someone who'd shed innocent blood himself.

Quickly peeling out of his sweats, he stepped into the shower and turned the handle to as high a temperature he could stand and stepped under the rushing water. Maybe he could wash the feeling off. Maybe he could scrape off the layers of guilt and disgust. He stood and let the water flow over his body, turning his pale skin pink with its heat. He didn't even feel the warmth of his tears that joined the cascade.

…..

Hearing the shower start he lay back against the headboard and took a deep breath willing himself to relax. This was so stressful. He couldn't wait to get back home. Maybe Steve would feel better just being in familiar surroundings but it wouldn't hurt to have the rest of the family around. Danny needed back-up even if Steve wouldn't want anyone else around to help him through this.

The man had walls so high and so thick even experienced professionals were having trouble scaling them. How did he ever think he could help him? How did he ever think Steve would trust him enough to let him in? Steve wasn't used to trusting. It wasn't part of his nature even on a good day. This was bad in so many ways but he wasn't going to give up on the guy. His friend was worth the fight even if the big goof didn't think so himself.

Eventually he heard the shower shut off and after a couple more minutes, Steve emerged in a cloud of steam, dressed in his sweat pants and rubbing a towel through his hair. Head down, he walked to his bed and sat on its edge.

Raising his eyes to look directly at him he said, "I'm sorry Danny . . . I . . . I don't know what's gotten into me. I know you're only trying to help but . . . ''

"Babe, you don't have to apologize, I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't mean to compromise your privacy in any way. I don't know what you and Cath have going and it's really none of my business but she's been there for you before when you were injured so . . . I didn't think it would be wrong to tell her. I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong Danny. I was out of line. I'm just kind of a mess right now. I know I am and . . . yeah" said Steve softly, "Cath's an amazing woman. She seems to stick with me in spite of myself." The tall man actually offered a small smile at that statement.

"As I said, it's none of my business but I've always been of the opinion you two really lucked out when you found each other. She's a keeper my friend."

"I'll be amazed if she still wants to be around me when she finds out just how fucked up I am. This isn't like the other times." he said sadly

"You have to realize Steven this is just another injury. Cath's a smart woman, she'll understand that just because it doesn't involve flesh and bone makes it no less painful. Just because you can't bandage it or there's no antibiotic that will make it go away doesn't mean that that you don't suffer as much or that those around you don't feel any less empathetic. Just accept help when it's offered. Accept that people love you."

The tall man sat dejectedly on the bed, drying hair comically going in every direction but not noticing. He let the towel he was holding drop onto the floor at his feet as he leaned toward Danny and locked troubled eyes on his friend.

"Danny, I know I've done things that . . . that . . . I can only half remember. They were bad things, terrible things. I think if I ever completely recall . . . . if I go there . . . I don't know if I can ever get back . . . I mean I can't . . . I . . . I'm sorry." He choked out the apology for not being able to finish the sentence.

"You know you can tell me whatever is in your head. You know that I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. There's nothing you can tell me that will scare me off."

Looking miserable and ashamed, Steve drew his legs up onto the bed and wrapped his arms around his knees as though to protect himself from whatever unseen menace lurked in the shadows; from whatever memories would return to finish his destruction.

"It's okay, Steven. When you're ready, I'll be here for you. We all will. Your ohana isn't going anywhere. Just remember that you are a special, special guy and our brother and . . . really babe, you're no crazier than you were before."

Steve looked up at him in surprise, eyes watery but with a small smile on his face in spite of his inner turmoil. Danny had taken the chance at levity and luckily, it seemed to work as Steve began to relax his tight posture.

Taking a shaky breath, he exhaled to say, "You know, you're not as dumb as blondes are made out to be."

"Hey, Gabby thinks I'm the cat's pajamas."

"I'm sure she does. At that museum, she deals with the island's oddities all day. It must be quite a thrill to have one who can speak."

Before the detective could come up with a sufficiently scathing answer, his partner reached over to the lamp between the beds and clicked it off then snuggled down into his blankets.

"'Nite Danny." Steve tiredly sighed and turned on his side to face the wall, waiting for sleep to claim him and knowing the Prazocin should, if not eliminate dreaming entirely, at least keep him from waking up screaming. He recognized the capsule in the mix of pills Danny had handed him. He knew he'd wake nauseous from it and wouldn't be able to eat for most of the day but it was better than the alternative. If he could, he would take it every night but losing more weight wasn't advisable right now. His body had been too stressed by what he'd been through and taking the chance of picking up some opportune bug because he was rundown wasn't a good idea but, at the moment, there was no other medication that would help lessen the nightmares.

Early the next morning, while Steve was sleeping, Danny went out into the hallway and after many many long minutes on his cell, finally secured a flight out. Mother Nature had her final laugh by ending her frozen onslaught on the last day of the National Hardware Show. Besides the usual stranded travelers at this major airline hub, there were thousands of weary hardware salesmen and trade show personnel longing to return to their homes across the country. It was like an annual migration of a great herd of footsore wildebeest.

To get the tickets home, he'd done something he never thought he'd do. To gain the most sympathy and leverage he could to secure said flight, he'd traded on Steve's military status and the fact the SEAL was returning home after being injured in the service of his country. He practically had the airline reservationist in tears. If Steve ever found out, drugged or not, he'd probably kick his ass. Danny knew he was already treading a thin line with the Cath thing.

He silently let himself back into the room and lay down for a few extra winks, willing his body to relax and let his mind drift to thoughts of home and his daughter. He could hear Steve breathing softly in the next bed.

There were so many mysteries to work out. So much pain to work through. It had to be done or his best friend would be lost; forever wandering in the desert he'd never really left.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Please review even if it's just to say you're annoyed with the slow progress. Feedback is appreciated. Next chapter up in about four days.**


	14. Born in the Sign of Water

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 14

**Here's the next. Please let me know your thoughts on it. Our hero is beginning to exhibit another of the signs of this disorder. A few more small clues as to the cause revealed. Hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: Somehow I know that If I made any money from this, husband and ninja cats would still only be wondering what's for dinner.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Born in the Sign of Water

Danny, quietly as he could, unzipped his carry-on to begin packing the things he'd already laid out on the bed.

At the sound, Steve startled awake, jolting into a sitting position and grabbing for something at his side. Danny knew he was reaching for a weapon. Even though there wasn't one to be had, it still made the detective's heart pound a little faster. He hoped it was just a SEAL thing and not something he could blame on his friend's current mental state.

"Sorry babe. Didn't mean to wake you. We got a flight out at noon. It's a non-stop so I figured you should get all the sleep you can before we leave."

Steve's chest heaved as he tried to slow his breathing. _Dammit, why can't I just wake up like a normal person? _He thought for probably the hundredth time since he'd come back from deployment. He lay back on the bed and waited for his rabbit quick heart rate to slow again to something more in the human range.

The room had spun for a brief moment at the change from lying to sitting. He belatedly remembered that one or more of the previous night's meds caused dizziness if he sat up too quickly. His stomach lurched as well. He knew it was the trade-off for keeping the nightmares under control.

"S'okay, Danny. Time to get up anyway." Sitting up a little more slowly this time, he threw back his covers and swung his feet off the bed.

Waiting another moment before actually standing, he was relieved to get to his feet without losing his balance and falling back onto the bed as he'd done the morning before. While his balance was okay, his stomach was not. At least he'd eaten yesterday. Maybe by tonight he'd be able to keep something down.

Responding to the call of nature, he made his way to the bathroom. As he stood over the john still half asleep courtesy of the Temazepam, he tried to remember what had gone on the night before. He recalled most everything well enough, especially the yelling at Danny. He'd have to apologize again for being such an asshole. He knew Danny was only trying to help but he really wasn't looking forward to seeing Cath this time. A knot of dread formed in his stomach, adding to the already queasy feeling.

While washing up, he glanced at the floor and was a little surprised to see his sweatshirt crumpled up under the marble counter. He wasn't usually such a slob. Neatness was ingrained in him. He bent to pick it up, straightening slowly so as not to make the room dance about again.

His skin remembered the blistering shower he'd taken, it was a little tender as though he had a mild sunburn. He'd have to add it to the list of really stupid things he'd done lately, right behind running out into a snowstorm without a jacket and then drinking a river of whiskey. He'd always prided himself on being almost hyper aware of the physical world. He relied on his senses to keep himself and his people safe but now, one moment he was numb as a brick and the next, every breath of air over his skin make him jump like he'd been scalded. It frightened him.

He went back to sit on his bed and find out what were the arrangements for their departure. Danny had already completed packing up his meager belongings and had set his bag by the door.

"Everyone in Chicago is trying to be somewhere else now that the airport is finally open again. How did you even manage to get tickets?" asked Steve as he rummaged through the duffle Danny had set on the bed for him.

"Uhh . . . just called in some favors. No big deal." Danny replied nonchalantly, hoping Steve wouldn't ask for details.

"Well, whatever works." smiled McGarrett tiredly as he pulled out his shaving gear, just happy for the opportunity to get home.

While Steve was in the shower, (a cooler one this time), Danny surreptitiously contacted Caldwell to ask about the Ativan dosage for the flight. After listening to the explanation of what had happened at the aquarium and the flashback at the restaurant, the doctor agreed that four milligrams was the best dosage for the plane ride. That much was almost guaranteed to keep Steve quiet and out of trouble for the almost ten-hour flight. Danny just hoped he wouldn't have to carry the guy off the plane.

Steve packed up his stuff and they went downstairs to check out. Much as Danny had liked the place, this wouldn't necessarily be a visit he'd like to put in his scrapbook. Making a stop at the coffee shop, he talked Steve into eating most of a bowl of oatmeal so that he could take his morning meds. Luckily, it stayed down and as the drugs took effect, Steve was again subdued and measured in his movements. All the way to O'Hare he stared dully out the taxi's window at the still nearly pristine snow that covered the city. Due to the interruption of the daily travels of its inhabitants the sparkling blanket hadn't yet turned into the usual trampled grey slush.

Danny didn't try to engage his partner in any conversation and, for once, the latest of their cabbies remained silent; not offering any local news or political opinions.

The conversation with the shrink had resulted in more detail about the unlabeled bottle he'd been handed - why it had neither the name of the drug nor the name of the patient listed on it. The only information was contained on the slip of paper that had been stuffed inside the small bottle of pills.

Caldwell had explained that if the Navy found out about the medication usually prescribed for chronic psychosis, Steve would have no chance of remaining in the military. He wasn't going to officially prescribe it and had given Danny a few of the samples distributed by the drug manufacturer. He assured him he'd prescribed it in the past for other patients but it had some unpleasant side effects if taken regularly.

He felt that Steve losing his commission on top of whatever else had happened in the desert would be a disastrous blow for the fragile man. The doctor was breaking the rules and risking his own career by even dispensing it without it being documented in Steve's file but he felt it was the right thing to do. He'd come to like and respect the troubled commander. The regs were there for a reason but he didn't feel they were in in his patient's best interests right now.

It wasn't to be used unless Steve had a full-blown break but unless something really dire triggered one, it most likely would never be needed. Danny prayed he was right.

….

The flight was tedious. Steve slept most of the time.

The plane was full of the usual snowbirds looking for respite in the fiftieth state. This was a long non-stop flight so it was expected the children on it would eventually become restless. Despite being the world's most conscientious and loving father, as it wore on, Danny wished he had enough Ativan to give to everyone.

_On flights like this_, thought the detective as an ear-splitting scream sounded from a child a few rows behind that made him check to make sure Steve hadn't awakened, _maybe the airline should hand out the pills like the little packets of pretzels they offered along with soda or water_. He felt guilty for even thinking it but he was afraid Steve would startle awake and it would trigger something no one wanted to deal with.

Throughout the flight, his partner had barely stirred; getting up once to use the restroom. Danny kept an eye on him as he walked slowly and carefully down the aisle. If there'd been anywhere else to go, he'd probably have had to follow him to make sure he didn't wander off. The four milligrams of the anti-anxiety medication combined with the effects of the other drugs had almost literally knocked the SEAL on his ass.

Successfully finding his way back to retake his seat, Steve promptly returned to slumber. Danny woke him for their meal but he barely touched his food saying he was too nauseous to eat. Considering it was airline fare, it wasn't even all that bad. Danny finished up what his partner left untouched.

Since it was a last minute 'emergency' booking, they were actually lucky to be able to sit beside one another. Steve had the window seat and Danny the aisle. The tall man slept in what looked to be an uncomfortable position, slipping down in his seat until he rested with his head half wedged between the seat and the window. Danny pulled him gently over to lean against his own shoulder. He didn't want his friend to suffer a neck injury on top of everything else. Steve didn't even wake, only frowning slightly and mumbling something unintelligible he curled his body toward the aisle, tucked his head against Danny's shoulder and resumed his soft breathing.

A little boy of five or six with huge dark eyes looked curiously over the back of the seat in front of them. Danny smiled at him and the kid shyly smiled back. He solemnly stared at them for another moment before saying, "My two daddies sleep that way on plane trips too."

_Damned little brat_, thought the detective.

…

Danny woke his partner when the announcement came to put one's seat in an upright position. Steve stirred groggily and straightened up, looking around and running a hand over his face. Danny motioned toward the man's seriously disheveled hair. Steve grinned sleepily at him and ran his hands through his short but unruly coif and managed to get most of it going in the same direction.

Danny only shook his head. Even on his good days, Steve's hair would kind of do its own thing. The blonde figured his partner kept it short not necessarily due to some military requirement or even as a declaration of style but because he didn't want to waste the time or energy to tame it. The man was an animal.

Danny always took great pains to arrange his own hair in just the right way and NOBODY messed with it. It annoyed him a little that Steve could be so cavalier about his appearance and still manage to look as though he belonged on the cover of GQ.

The sound of the plane's engines changed pitch and moments later its tires thumped down onto the runway; the landing a little harder than he was expecting but it startled only one of the kids on the plane into squawking amid the nervous titters of some of the passengers. In the ten or so minutes it took for the airbus to arrive at their gate and begin expelling its human cargo, Steve seemed to come completely awake and was more than ready to deplane. He actually looked a little more rested but it may only be that the mood stabilizers were wearing off. Nevertheless, he seemed happy to be home.

The two walked quickly down the jetway. It was good to be home again. Steve knew he'd had enough snow to last him for the rest of his life . . . and probably enough whiskey to do the same.

Danny called Kono to let her know they'd landed. She and Chin were wrapping up a crime-scene on the other side of the island. It would be at least another hour or so before they could get to the airport. He told her not to worry, they'd get a ride from someone else.

His next call was to Kamekona. They were waiting on the concrete benches in the shade outside the terminal as the big man's jeep pulled up before them.

"Hey, my favorite arms of the law, howzit?" greeted the shave ice/shrimp truck entrepreneur.

"Good" answered Steve, "Now that we're home again." He offered a smile to the big man. "Thanks for coming to pick us up."

Kamekona looked the tall man up and down as though he was thinking of buying him and pronounced, "Brah, you need some of my special Cajun garlic shrimp with maybe a side of curly fries covered with my special sauce."

"Can I take a rain check on that?" Steve's smile broadened. Even on a good day, Kamekona's spicy shrimp dish, (not to mention his secret sauce of gooey cheese mixed with wasabi and only God knew what), was a little rough on one's stomach. The thought of trying it right now was actually painful.

"Where to, my bruddahs? You wanna to go to da cop house?"

"Yeah, that would be goo . . . "

Danny cut off his partner's answer before he could even complete it. "Just drop us off at McGarrett's big guy. We have a few things to do before we can get back to work."

Steve scowled at him but didn't argue. Airing his laundry in front of the large Hawaiian wasn't something he wanted to do. Though the big man had proven himself to be a true friend and was part of their extended ohana, Steve preferred to keep his situation as far under wraps as possible. To even have everyone know that Danny had to go get him and bring him home like a runaway dog was embarrassing. He knew he was a walking disaster. Besides, he didn't want everyone to be discussing what a fuck-up he is. He knew they would. People would talk about him. They were staring at him in the airport, he could feel their eyes on him. Even Danny was looking at him strangely and he'd seen how Kamekona was evaluating him. He had to get away from all of them.

It was a bright sunny day as were most of them here – too bright. The sunshine was nearly painful in its relentless glare and intensity. After he and Danny climbed into the Jeep, Steve fumbled through his duffle looking for something.

"Whatcha need, Rambo?" Danny called back to him from the front seat.

"Sunglasses, looking for my sunglasses." muttered Steve anxiously.

Kamekona, a very perceptive man in spite of his sometimes clownish appearance and behavior, raised his eyebrow to look at Danny questioningly.

Danny handed Steve the Foster-Grants he pulled from his shirt pocket. "Here, babe, you can use mine. No worries." Stylish but inexpensive, they did the job.

Steve quickly snatched them from his hand and fumbled them on before sitting back in his seat, posture tense.

"You turn into a vampire or someting when you wuz gone, Brah?" smiled the big Hawaiian as he steered his old jeep away from the curb and toward the airport exit.

"Yeah, something like that." said McGarrett rather stiffly as he bent forward to stuff displaced belongings back into the duffle. Kamekona, though he didn't react, had noticed the nearly frantic search and then the cool tone of the man's reply.

The detective and the entrepreneur talked of island life and its latest goings on during the nearly twenty-minute drive. Steve was silent but seemed on edge and looked around him as if waiting for something to happen. He'd gone from being almost sleepily relaxed, to happy anticipation, to edgy and hyper-vigilant in a very short period of time. Danny glanced at his watch. In another hour and a half, it would be time for a dose of everything but the Ativan.

_He's home now,_ thought the detective, _There's no reason to be so on edge._

They arrived at the McGarrett house and pulled into the driveway behind Danny's Camaro and Steve's Silverado. Not knowing when they'd return, he'd asked Chin and Kono to retrieve it from the airport and drop it off at Steve's. He'd always chided his partner for his thrifty ways but he didn't want to run up a humongous tab at airport parking.

Without even waiting for the jeep to come to a complete stop, Steve grabbed his duffle and hopped out.

"Hey Rambo! Wait for me!" yelled Danny who actually waited for the vehicle to stop before hefting his bag and jumping out. "Thanks for the ride man." he called over his shoulder to the big man who waved and drove off, shaking his head at the strangeness of his friend McGarrett. The man needed to eat something. It always made one feel better. He knew it did wonders for himself.

Steve didn't even bother to go to his front door. He dropped his duffle at the side of the house and disappeared toward the back. There his ocean waited for him. He could practically feel its cool embrace; could feel it curling around and over him like soothing hands. It had been too long since he'd been home . . . to his ocean, his refuge.

Danny jogged after him. He didn't bother to call out. He couldn't stop Steve from returning to the sea, it was part of him and he of it. He knew it was probably the best thing for his friend right now. Everything else could change. Everything we thought about ourselves could be turned on its head in one fickle disastrous moment. Our lives could turn to shit in a brief utterance of words or the flash of a gun muzzle but the sea was always there.

Steve paused only long enough to strip off, leaving only his briefs, before wading out far enough to dive into the cool serenity he'd longed for.

The blonde plopped down into the sand to sit and watch his friend cut through the water like a dolphin. With powerful strokes he swam out far enough to be only a small speck in the blue expanse. Though Steve was nearly one with the ocean and Danny was surprised the man didn't have gills of his own, he was getting a little worried at the distance Steve had gone from shore.

_Dammit!_ thought the blonde_, If he gets into trouble I'm not going after him. The man should have stayed in one of the tanks at the aquarium if he wanted to commune with fish._

After nearly an hour, Danny saw the small speck of dark hair begin to grow larger as Steve finally began his way back to shore. Danny, taking Steve's spare key from his pocket and keeping watch over his shoulder, hurried back into the house to get a towel. He was standing shoeless in the surf when Steve emerged from it looking exhausted but a lot more relaxed.

The tall man took the offered towel with a smile and scrubbed it through his hair and down his body before dropping it on the sand and sitting atop it. Danny lowered himself to the ground next to him.

Still catching his breath after his near marathon swim, Steve with knees drawn up and long arms wrapped around them, stared out into the dark blue Pacific, eyes of nearly the same color searching the horizon. Danny adopted the same pose and they sat there in silence for a long time. Shadows were beginning to lengthen when the first word was spoken.

"You know, I thought I'd never see this again." said the SEAL, not taking eyes off his ocean.

Danny said nothing in response. He didn't think Steve was expecting one.

The only sound was the lapping of the waves and the fizz and crackle of the foam that was left behind when the water released the shore. Several more minutes passed before the tall man finally said, "I thought I was going to die there and . . . then, when I didn't . . . it was actually a disappointment. Kinda funny, huh?"

"No, Steven, not funny. Not even a little bit funny." answered Danny, shuddering at the almost offhand way his partner had made the statement.

"I should have." said Steve, almost as though speaking to himself and still not taking eyes off the water.

"I know you think that." replied the blonde, pale blue eyes locked on the horizon as well. He turned to face Steve before saying "I know you think that you should have died with the others but it wasn't your choice. It wasn't your time to die. You still have things to do, babe: more bad guys to catch, more people to help. We need you."

Steve huffed dismissively, "I couldn't even help myself, Danny. I certainly couldn't save my men. Not a damned one of them. Not even when they called out to me to save them. I couldn't do a damned thing . . . nothing, and here I am sitting on a beach in fucking paradise. I don't deserve to be here. I should have been with them."

Danny didn't have an answer for Steve's anguish. They sat silently until the sun began to dip toward the horizon. Finally rising without another word being spoken between them; tall man and not-so-tall man strode shoulder to shoulder trudging away from the shore through the warm sand.

…..

He awoke with a scream – NO! PLEASE! DON'T!

With a worried sigh, Danny threw off his tangled blankets and rolled off the sofa. Taking the stairs two at a time, he pushed open Steve's door and found him where he'd found him nearly every night when the dreams visited.

Moving quickly to the other side of the bed, he saw his partner huddled against the wall, eyes wide and wild, hands in front of him as though in defense.

"Steve!" he approached slowly, carefully, "Hey, buddy."

The man on the floor didn't even seem to see him, he was in another world, a world not visible to anyone but himself.

"Steven, it's okay. You're okay. You're home now. Nothing is going to hurt you. Steven, wake up!"

Danny continued his soothing murmurs as Steve continued to stare into the darkness at something that terrified him, something that made the empty air his enemy. Danny knew better than to get too close until Steve became aware of his surroundings. He still had the bruises to prove the idiocy of doing so.

As before, the nightmare left slowly, ebbing away into the darkness to leave a shivering, trembling and exhausted man cowering against a bedroom wall.

Slowly losing the wild, visceral fearfulness, the dark eyes began to focus on Danny's face.

"Danny?" he breathed, voice tentative and unsure. Perhaps he thought his partner another fragment of the horrific dream. _He's not real, not real, not real . . . don't trust it, _his jumbled senses tried to convince him.

"It's me. It's Danny. It's okay now. You can relax now Steven. The nightmare's over. You're safe." Danny used the soothing words he'd used before - too many times before.

"She was here again. I saw her. She was right here." he sobbed.

"No, no. It was just a dream. There's no one here but me and you."

Steve folded forward and buried his face in his hands, drawing his knees to his chest; trying to make himself disappear against the white plaster.

He could still see her face. See the blood, smell its coppery scent.

He flinched as Danny put a hand on his shoulder. He felt as though his nerve endings had no protection from the elements. Every touch, every atom of dust, every flicker of light registered like a sharp slap, a heavy blow, a burning. He had to end it somehow. He couldn't go on like this.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**The title for this chapter is from the old song 'Cool Change'. It seemed appropriate.**

**Next chapter up in about a week. We'll meet Steve's new shrink and get a lot more information on what happened. There will be a warning noted for the content of an upcoming chapter. No, get your minds out of the gutter – not _that_ kind of warning.**

**Reviews would be appreciated.**


	15. Freefall

Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 15

**Here's another. Steve's home but . . . **

**Thank you all for the reviews, listings and alerts. I hope I've answered everyone. I apologize if you haven't heard from me. Still haven't figured out an efficient way of keeping track of replies. If anyone has a good method, please share. Mistakes, as usual, are mine.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't know how to swim. Still don't make any money from this. Both issues still unresolved, (though only the swimming part is embarrassing).**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Freefall

Chin and Kono stopped by that night after work as Steve and Danny were sitting at the kitchen table finishing their meal. There hadn't been much in the way of groceries with which to assemble dinner but between what they'd found in fridge and cupboards they made a meal.

Danny refused to eat the edamame Steve had pulled from the freezer, saying he wouldn't eat anything that's included in the ingredients for paint and plastic. Steve only laughed and shook his head, digging deeper, he found a package of frozen carrots. He noticed his chocolate stash was severely depleted but he wasn't surprised. Everyone at Five-0 had discovered his secret addiction and had availed themselves of it during the sometimes impromptu gatherings at his house. They usually replaced it but no one ever mentioned discovering it as though it was a secret not to be discussed. Sadly, there were other much more serious secrets now.

So their feast consisted of turkey meatballs, carrots and a can of sauerkraut. Strangely, it wasn't that bad. Pizza hadn't sounded appetizing and going out to dinner had seemed much too exhausting for either of them. Steve had a flash of a thought that maybe Danny was ashamed to be seen with him. He knew it was irrational but it made its way into his head along with the myriad of other paranoid things that seemed to be regularly popping into his thoughts lately.

When the doorbell rang, Steve nearly jumped out of his skin, looking at Danny with alarm.

"It's probably Chin and Kono, babe." Danny reassured him as he stood to answer it.

"I don't want to see anybody Danny. Tell them I'm asleep or something."

"They're anxious to see you Steve. It's okay, they don't know anything about the hospital. I haven't told them anything."

"They'll know. I don't want to see them." He said in a deadened tone, face unreadable.

"How are they gonna know? Steve, it's okay, they're just coming by to make sure you're actually here in the flesh and to welcome you home. I've been careful to not say anything about what happened."

"I'm going upstairs."

"Please just let them see that you're okay. They're ohana babe. Ohana takes care of each other."

The doorbell rang again and Danny went out into the living room to let them in, hoping Steve wouldn't bolt upstairs and make it necessary for him to come up an excuse for his absence.

Checking through the peephole first, (maybe his partner's paranoia was rubbing off on him), he opened the door to a smiling Kono who carried a couple of paper grocery sacks in her arms. Chin stood behind her; as usual, his Zen-like expression in place.

"Danny! Good to see you." said Kono, "Welcome home brah."

Smiling, he moved aside to let her in and her eyes swept the room as she stepped past him, searching for her long lost boss.

Chin gave him a brief one-armed hug of welcome then followed her inside. Danny closed the door behind them and taking a breath said, "Uhh Steve's pretty tired right now, he went . . . ". Before he could complete his sentence, the man in question appeared in the kitchen doorway, a tentative smile on his thin face.

"Steve!" exclaimed Kono in a very uncharacteristic girly squeak as she dropped the bags onto the coffee table and rushed to hug her newly returned friend.

Steve flinched as she rushed toward him but stood his ground as the slim Hawaiian girl threw her arms around him in a welcoming hug. His arms went awkwardly around her and his eyes squeezed shut trying to stay calm and deal with the startling, unasked for, affection. Chin, quiet and observant, inwardly frowned at the exhibit of restrained but obvious discomfort. Something was up. Danny hadn't told them everything.

…..

Steve waited nervously in the outer office of the Mental Health Services Department. This wasn't his first time here at Tripler. He'd sought help previously for the nightmares that would sometimes plague him on his return from a mission. Other than Cath who'd witnessed his unsettling awakenings; he'd never told anyone about them.

Unfortunately, this stuff wasn't new. What's new are the _waking_ nightmares - those that could suddenly thrust him back into hell; could make his best friend seem an enemy; could make the safest of places a minefield. More than the nightmares themselves, the lack of control terrified him. What he might do, what harm he might inflict on friends or even strangers. To call it terrifying was to do the feeling injustice.

Now, Danny knew about them too. There was certainly no way to hide from the guy who was practically glued to him every waking moment. If Steve would let him, he was sure his loyal friend would sleep in the armchair next to his bed. He smiled to himself at the thought. He knew there were ridiculous rumors about their relationship already. Luckily both he and Danny were secure enough to not let it bother them unnecessarily. Sometimes it was kind of funny. Sometimes it was kind of annoying.

Caldwell had set him up with a shrink at Tripler. Someone he said would be a good fit to help him work this all out. Steve had asked Danny to just drop him off and not wait around. He would call him afterward to get a ride. He knew he could ask any of his ohana to come pick him up but he was trying not to involve anyone else in his problems. Having to run Danny halfway across the world to Quantico had been bad enough. He was more than grateful to have such a good friend but some things he couldn't inflict on others. He could do this alone. It was best that way.

"McGarrett, Steven J." was called out from one of the side doors to the large waiting area. There were several others in the room, male and female, uniformed and not. Steve knew some were here for their annual psych eval. The one he couldn't possibly pass right now or maybe never again.

He took a breath and stood to follow the efficient looking corporal through the open doorway. Everything seemed surreal. Maybe it was just the meds. He'd have to find a way to stop taking them without anyone finding out. The only thing that had felt real to him in a long time was his partner's hug at their reunion in the psych ward and the cool embrace of the ocean he so desperately wanted to be in right now instead of this dismal place.

He was shown into a small, surprisingly comfortable looking office that held a couple of upholstered chairs in front of a dark mahogany desk. On the walls were large photos of outdoor scenes. They looked to be taken here on Oahu. Some were close-ups of plants or birds. All of them were colorful . . . or at least he assumed they were. Everything seemed so washed-out right now. Since the desert, everything had seemed faded and diminished. There was no vibrancy to anything, no feeling other than the anxiety and restlessness that was with him every moment and wasn't even entirely dampened by the meds. His body could be nearly immobilized with medication yet his mind would still be racing until exhaustion would claim it for a few short hours until the nightmares would start.

Danny had to be sick of waking nearly every night to peel him off the walls. His friend was starting to look almost as hollow-eyed as he knew he did himself. The corporal told him to take a seat and the doctor would be with him in a moment. Steve knew 'a moment' could mean anything from seconds to what could be at least another hour. He sat as requested and tried to calm himself with the deep breathing exercises with which he'd been successful in the past though they were only marginally helpful since his return.

After only another five minutes or so, there was a soft knock on the door and a compact dark haired man entered. Though it seemed odd that one would knock on their own door, startling someone with PTSD or ASD was never a good idea.

"Commander McGarrett" he said extending his hand to shake Steve's, "I'm Captain David Esquivel. It's nice to meet you."

"Sir" Steve responded automatically as he stood at attention.

"No need for that. If we're going to keep meeting like this, I'd prefer you call me by the name my mother gave me, it's David or just Dave if you like" he smiled. "May I call you Steve or do you prefer Steven?"

"Uhh, Sssteve, call me Steve." stammered the tall man not sure why it was so hard to get his own name out of his mouth.

"Have a seat, Steve. We don't have to be formal here. Actually it's much better if we're not."

McGarrett, rather stiffly sat in one of the wine-colored chairs. On a wooden stand in the corner of the office was a terrarium complete with a small fountain. There were small delicate plants interspersed among the carefully fastened stones that strove to look like a natural waterfall. The burbling water provided a pleasant background noise.

"So, Steve" began the shrink, "my friend at Quantico, Alan Caldwell, asked that I specifically take you on as a patient. He seemed very impressed with you and it's not easy to impress Alan. You must be a special person to do so." he smiled showing white teeth with a wide spacing between the two in front. Steve thought it gave him a sort of Alfred E. Newman appearance. It was disarming.

The tall man said nothing, nodding to acknowledge he was being spoken to.

"He also said you were, shall we say, a little on the quiet side. You know, for this to do you any good, you will have to talk to me at some point. I understand what you've experienced is more than disturbing but not talking about it will only make it worse. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Steve began to answer with just another nod of his head but thought perhaps his silence could be taken as indifference or worse yet, hostility. "Yes, I understand." he said quietly.

"Good." said the doctor waiting in vain for Steve to add something to his acquiescence.

"Ookaay then. Can you tell me what's going on with you? Nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, unstable moods?"

"All of the above I suppose." admitted Steve with a slight smile, thinking_, I'm sure he already knows how fucked-up I am, it's gotta be in my file._

Esquivel scribbled something down in his notes. Steve could recognize Caldwell's distinctive scrawl on the paperwork in front of his newest shrink. Though, much to his team's consternation, he was very good at reading upside down, he wasn't quite close enough to make out what it said.

_Yup it's all documented there,_ he thought_, my officially noted insanity._

"Why don't we get right down to business? The sooner we do, the sooner you'll improve. You already look like you're anticipating an 'inquisition' but it won't be that bad, honest." said Esquivel with a smile that reminded Steve once again of the _Mad Magazine_ character or maybe a used car salesman.

The doctor already knew this session, the first of many no doubt, would be fruitless. Getting the man to acknowledge what had happened during his deployment was going to be tough.

David Esquivel took his job seriously. He knew he held the lives of his patients in his hands almost as though he was a surgeon rather than a therapist. Even getting clearance to hear the dark secrets of men and women like this had been difficult to say the least. Much of McGarrett's file had been redacted and would require the direct input of his patient to fill in the gaps.

"What do you want to accomplish in these sessions Steve?" he asked. It was a standard question asked of all new patients.

None-the-less, Steve looked surprised. There was a kind of 'deer in the headlights' look on his face. Still, it was better than the blank wall that had been present a moment before. Esquivel almost chuckled aloud.

"I … I uhh don't know. I guess just to feel normal again."

"What do you define as normal?"

_Dammit_, thought the SEAL, _the guy isn't going to let me just blow him off with vague answers._

Steve once again looked at him impassively. Esquivel could see the wall go higher, the fortification acquire an extra layer. McGarrett may have been caught by surprise this one time but it wasn't going to happen again. The SEAL was not going to be an easy patient.

Esquivel loved a challenge.

"Alan says you've had some brief flashes of memory about a woman holding an apple? Can you tell me anything about that?" asked the doctor leaning back in his chair.

"No, nothing" said Steve almost mechanically. He couldn't talk about that. How could he talk about something he knew would destroy him if he ever fully remembered it? All it took was the flicker of the image. A nanosecond of remembrance and everything in him wanted to run screaming from it, from what he'd done. He couldn't, he wouldn't.

Esquivel could almost see the SEAL begin to withdraw even further into himself.

"Okay, we'll save that for the next session." smiled the doctor. He wasn't going to let him off the hook but having him stress out at the first session wouldn't be productive. This was going to be a tough one. Here was a man who wouldn't get better until he remembered what had happened to him but the memory itself could be painful enough to send him over the edge once and for all. It was going to be a delicate balancing act.

Though McGarrett was relieved but it didn't show on his face. He'd already retreated into his fortress. He was safe behind its walls for now.

Esquivel changed the subject. "How are you doing on the meds? Are you any less anxious?"

"Some."

"Okay, let's get more specific. If you had no meds, how would you be feeling right now?"

"Uhh, more anxious?"

The doctor, once again, suppressed a smile. "By anxious, do you mean frightened? Angry, what?"

"Both."

"What are you frightened of?"

There was a long pause. Right now there were so many possibilities. He finally answered, "Myself."

Esquivel was actually taken by surprise at the straightforward answer. After a slightly longer pause than was normal for him, he asked, "Why are you frightened of yourself? What do you think you'd do?"

"Look," said Steve, his hands bunching into fists but his face not losing the stone-like expression, "I almost killed my best friend and got myself shot in the middle of an airport. I know it's in your notes. What do you think I should be afraid of?"

"What caused that reaction? What set you off?" calmly responded the doctor.

"I don't know." said Steve through clenched teeth.

"I think you do know. What aren't you telling me?"

The SEAL was now looking at the far wall, his expression unchanged. There would probably be no further information from the man who was all about control and whose life was now in freefall.

"Steve, you have to talk about it. If you don't talk about it, you may never recover from this. You're a smart guy; probably one of the more intelligent patients I've had - I've read your folder. I'm sure you know of others who are locked in their own personal hells. You _know_ what can happen if this issue isn't dealt with. You _know_ that some people never recover fully. Give yourself a chance to climb out of the hole you're in. I know you're suffering.

"Talking won't do any good. I'll just have to get over it." answered Steve with more conviction than was necessary.

Esquivel, sighed in frustration but his reply was calm and measured. "If you don't 'get over it' as you say, it means you can't go back to work. I don't have the final say about returning to the Governor's Task Force but if the question is posed asking if you can, my answer at this moment would be negative. I can, however, recommend that you do or don't return to duty with the military. I know you, yourself wouldn't think it's a good idea to have someone as . . . . fragile," said the doctor trying to find a word that wouldn't be too harsh, "leading the charge."

Steve looked at him stonily. The words slowly sinking into his cotton cloaked mind. He'd already come to the conclusion that his career as a SEAL was probably over. They certainly wouldn't want a head-case like him back but . . . he had to go back to his team. His life had to count for something. What would he do if he couldn't?"

Esquivel could see his patient starting to tremble slightly, his respiration quickening. He poured a glass of water from the pitcher on the side of his desk. Standing and bringing it to the distressed man he said, "Drink this. It will help you calm down."

A shaky hand reached out and took the glass. His patient's face was flushed. It could be from embarrassment or just from the quick rise in blood pressure - a result of anxiety.

After a few moments, Esquivel asked gently, "Better?"

Steve just shook his head yes. _What the hell! Why couldn't he just answer a couple of questions without getting the vapors like a Victorian debutante?_

"Steve, it's okay. Whatever happens here, you'll be safe. There's nothing I haven't heard before. _Nothing_ that could shock me. I've been doing this for a few years now. I was a SEAL, like you, until I couldn't be any longer. Actually, I did myself a favor by opting out and going back to school. Now, I try to help people like us. I know what it takes to do what you've done."

"You have no idea what I've done!" Steve bit out through clenched teeth as he rose from his chair, nearly tipping it over, and took a quick stride to the door to pull it open with force. He was quickly out the door and without so much as glance back at his doctor.

Esquivel didn't try to stop him. He probably couldn't anyway, at least not without getting hurt. Shaking his head, he made his notes in the file and set it carefully on the corner of his desk. This wasn't going to be easy. Not even a little but it was probably the only chance the tormented man had – the SEAL's only chance of emotional survival if not physical.

After a moment, Esquivel pulled the folder back toward him to open it as he reached for the phone.

…..

He'd been walking for a while. When he finally calmed down, he looked up and saw that he was about a third of the way home. His head was pounding. The sun was once again beating down mercilessly. He fumbled in his pockets looking for his sunglasses. Finding them, he sighed and quickly put them on. Maybe Kamekona was right, he'd become a vampire. The sunlight was actually painful. He could feel it burning through his uniform, boring a smoking hole in the top of his head even though he wore his cap.

He was looking around, trying to decide if he wanted to call a cab or not when his phone rang. Pulling it out of his pocket he looked at the picture on the screen. _Shit!_ It was Danny. _The little guy was relentless._

"McGarrett" he answered, trying not to sound guilty.

"Steven," the name was pronounced slowly and carefully, "Where are you?"

"I'm on my way home." he answered as though there was nothing wrong and he was just taking a stroll on a sunny day.

"You're a very lucky man. You know that?" said the voice on the other end, again slowly as though talking to a child.

"Danny . . . "

"Don't you Danny me!"

_OK, here it comes._ McGarrett kept walking, wanting to throw the phone across the street but guiltily compelled to listen to his partner's righteous rant.

"What the hell did you think you were doing! Huh!"

"Danny . . . "

"No, no, you don't get to talk yet."

"But . . . "

"I said no talking, just listening dammit!"

The tall man sighed and stopped his progress to sit on a bus bench. If he had to listen to what he knew he had coming in the form of his partner's worry fueled tirade, he may as well be as comfortable as possible.

"Do you want to get better? Do you want to come back to work? If you do, you're not going about it the smartest way. You're lucky your doctor is a patient man. He called to tell me to go find you. He's not pissed but he's concerned about you. I'M CONCERNED ABOUT YOU! How dare you blow off the only guy who can help you. I can't help you! You shut me out on a daily basis! You blow me off like I'm not your family, like I don't care what happens to you! Do you know that I'm standing by you because I love you? Because you're my brother!"

"Danny, I'm . . . "

"No one said you could talk! I'm not done!"

"Danny, I'm sorry." Steve's voice broke. _What the hell is the matter with me? Why can't I even talk to Danny without crying like a girl?_

"Steven?" asked the voice worriedly.

Danny was horrified. He'd made his best friend cry. He'd made the man of steel shed tears. _When will I learn to not shoot off my mouth. The poor guy can't take my shit right now. I know that._

"Danny, I . . . I . . . I can't do this. I can't go through with it. If I even begin to think about what happened . . . I can't live with what I've done. I don't want to remember it. Just the little bits that have come back to me . . . well, you saw what happened at the airport! You know what happens when I try to sleep! Please, just let me go. Let me go away somewhere. I can't be what you want me to be any more. I'm not what you think I was. I'm not even what I thought I was. Danny, please . . . please . . . "

"Steve, where are you? I'll be there in a couple of minutes. Just tell me where you are." The detective felt his own tears beginning to flow. _ What had he done?_

There was no answer on the other end of the connection, just the faint sound of someone sobbing.

"Steven!"

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Next chapter up in about a week or so if I can hide from husband and ninja cats long enough to get it together.**

**Reviews would be lovely.**


	16. The Hunted

Shallow Grave - 16

**Here's a short one. Started and deleted several versions of this before I came up with one that I could live with. Hope you like it.**

**A couple of you felt a little cheated by the very brief homecoming scene with Chin and Kono. Hope this isn't too confusing and that it will help a little. (Yes, I do listen to you guys. You have no idea how your comments and suggestions help shape the story.)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. If I ever find out who invented rocky-road ice cream, I shall campaign to have them sainted.**

**NOTE: So sorry about the posting error. My apology for the false start. Don't know how I managed to screw that one up. Ice cream overdose?**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

The Hunted

The night of the homecoming:

Danny knew he eventually would have to tell Chin and Kono what had been going on with Steve.

They'd come to welcome their leader home and he'd stayed downstairs only long enough to greet them, said as few words as possible and gave the two a brief smile before announcing he was tired and needed to sleep. Chin placed his hand on his friend's shoulder to bid him goodnight and felt Steve flinch and the muscles tense beneath the T-shirt. Kono kissed him lightly on the cheek but didn't put her arms around him again.

"Remember to take your meds." said Danny quietly, "They're all laid out for you." Steve nodded without saying anything then slowly walked up the stairs.

As soon as they heard the door to his room close, Chin immediately turned to Danny to quietly ask, "What's going on brah? Steve doesn't look all that good. I thought you said he was on the mend?"

Kono, though she didn't react at the time, had noticed Steve's rather wooden hug. She'd attributed it to the possibility that his unseen injuries were still painful but something wasn't right and she knew it.

"Yeah, Danny." added Kono, her smooth face one of concern, "He doesn't seem like himself and we've seen him injured before. Why is the boss so thrashed looking . . . and so quiet, even for him? " she asked worriedly

"Well, you know he was pretty banged up and he's still on medication - muscle relaxants, antibiotics . . . stuff like that." Danny punted. At least it wasn't a lie. Steve _had_ been physically injured and was still recovering from it and the drugs he mentioned were part of the medicinal cocktail he'd been prescribed.

The cousins didn't really seem convinced with his answer but let it slide for the moment, turning to give each other a look.

The two men helped Kono put away the groceries and the Hawaiian detectives stayed a little longer to talk to Danny. He related to them the story of the tragedy at the aquarium but, of course, left out the part that was Steve's reaction to it.

The cousins stayed to eat some deli sandwiches they'd brought for everyone to share. While washing them down with Longboards they caught Danny up on the goings on of Five-0. After an hour or so they bade goodnight to their friend.

Chin, who'd nursed only the one beer, was the designated driver this night and drove his cousin home. They'd actually expected to talk to Steve a bit longer and beside being a little disappointed that he'd gone to bed so quickly after their arrival, they were worried. He seemed at the same time tense and spacey and though their boss was never known for his loquaciousness, (they had Danny for that), he was way too subdued.

The night appeared starless and the air was still as their SUV pulled out of the driveway. The darkness seemed to hold something ominous. Chin couldn't shake the feeling.

After a minute on the road home, Kono said, "Something's not right Cuz. Danny isn't giving us the whole story. Steve definitely wasn't himself. What do you think's going on?"

Chin, who'd been thinking the exact same thing could only answer, "Maybe it's something we shouldn't know. Steve is entitled to his privacy."

"Cuz, we're ohana. If something is wrong, shouldn't Danny let us in on it? Maybe we can help."

"I'm sure if Danny thought we could help, he'd tell us what's going on. Let's just wait a while. Whatever it is will either resolve itself or one of them is going to let us in. Of course, Steve will say that everything is fine even if it isn't but we have to trust Danny to take care of him for now. Did you notice how tired Danny looked too? Lots of stress there somewhere."

Kono just chewed on her thumbnail for the rest of the trip home. Something wasn't right.

….

Today:

The sun beat down relentlessly as he walked. All he could do was walk. He didn't know where he was going. Right now, he didn't have the mental ability to even register that he would eventually have to stop somewhere. His head was a jumbled mess. Flashes of the present had become entangled with flashes of the past. Nothing seemed to flow in a linear progression. His thoughts jerked and shuddered like a film on a malfunctioning movie projector. His head ached unmercifully.

_The tables had turned so quickly. The hunters had become the hunted. The ambush had taken out Parkman in the first volley. Hannaman had made it another day before being taken down by the sniper hidden in a cave on the face of the cliff above them. One moment the young soldier was kneeling beside Steve extolling the beauty of his new daughter, Hannah, (though he didn't give it voice, Steve thought it cruel to give the child such an alliterative name. 'Hannah Hannaman' was just disaster waiting to happen when she was old enough to enroll in school. Her classmates weren't going to let it slide)._

_The proud father had just handed back the small photo to his commander when the shot rang out._

_The bullet caught him in the throat just above his vest._

_Steve felt the warm spray of liquid hit his face. _

_..._

"Chin!" called Danny across the office, his voice close to panic.

"What's up Danny?" asked the cool Hawaiian, looking calmly up from his paperwork at his desk; never one to register alarm no matter what was going on.

"We need to track Steve's phone! He's on his way back from . . . Tripler and something's happened." Danny was still trying his best to keep Steve's secrets under wraps.

Chin immediately strode to the smart table and pulled up tracking for Steve's phone. The app had come in handy too many times to count.

After a brief moment the detective announced, "Looks like he's near the corner of Keola Street and Lanakila Avenue. That's about five miles from here."

As Danny ran toward the door he yelled behind him to Chin, "Come with me! We're going to go get him!"

Chin only looked at him curiously but didn't hesitate to follow. The Camaro was parked right outside the front doors of the palace.

The blonde flipped on the switch for the lights but left the siren off. Bullying into the heavy traffic on Ala Moana, they made their way toward the last place from which they'd gotten a ping.

"You gotta tell us what's going on Brah." said Chin watching Danny's tense profile beside him as the blonde steered their way across town. Gripping the wheel so tightly he looked about to break it, he bit his lips before speaking then breathed out a sigh as though he'd come to a grave decision.

"Steve's not doing all that well Chin. I'm sure you guys saw it when you came over to his house the other night."

"Yeah, we saw it but we figured you or Steve would tell us when you were ready to. Kono's pretty worried about him. We both are."

"You already know that when I took off a few days ago it was to go get him from Quantico where they'd sent him after his last mission went bust. He'd been pretty well trashed physically but nothing that he wasn't gonna recover from. You know what he's like; pretty much indestructible like he's made of Teflon coated titanium or something." Danny made a fast right turn that made the tires screech across the asphalt, one that would have earned a rant if Steve had done it.

Chin waited patiently for the rest of the explanation, his gut tightening at what he'd guessed may be coming.

"Well, this time, getting physically trashed wasn't the only thing that happened. When I got there . . . " Danny hesitated as if forcing himself to spill the rest of it, "When I got there, he was in a locked ward – the psychiatric wing."

"Shit." was the only thing Chin could come up with while he was thinking, _What the hell had happened? What could make the strongest, toughest man I know fall apart?"_

"Yeah. When I first saw him he was almost catatonic. Part of it was the meds he'd been given but not all of it."

Danny turned to look at his passenger, pale eyes shiny with unshed tears, "Whatever happened, he's not talking about it. He has to do that Chin or . . . or he's lost. We'll never get him back." Danny's throat had tightened so that the last sentence was only a painful whispered rasp.

"He has us Danny. He has his ohana to get him through this. We'll help. Don't worry." Chin said the words but didn't know if he actually had absolute faith that Steve could be saved. He'd known others who'd struggled with PTSD and it hadn't always worked out so well for them. They continued to be the walking wounded, the bloodied warriors who'd never find their way home. He felt as though a heavy stone settled on his heart. They had to find him and bring him back.

"Turn right. He should be somewhere around here." said the Hawaiian.

Danny pulled the car to a stop as their eyes searched the empty intersection. This wasn't a very heavily travelled street and it was almost deserted at this hour.

A bus rumbled past the bus bench on the opposite corner. Chin looked at its passing and something on the bench caught his eye.

Getting out of the car without saying anything to Danny, he crossed the street and went toward it. The blonde detective followed him, easily dodging the lone car that rattled past them.

Chin reached down to pick up the object lying in the sun – Steve's phone.

…..

_Heidegger was screaming in pain. His cries echoed from the canyon walls. They cut into the dry air to float there like jagged shards of weightless glass__._

_The gut wound had surely caused massive infection by now. The man was begging Steve to put him out of his misery - the fever making him hallucinate and ramble incoherently between the pleas for release from this hell._

_Powerless to help him, every time he stopped to turn around, a rifle butt would crash into his shoulder or ribs or back; whichever was the easiest target. "I need to help him!" he yelled in Pashto, the language of his captors though he'd heard words in Dari__.__ One of them also spoke English._

_Rather than beat him this time, they only laughed, saying, "Only Allah can help him now. He will be dead by morning__,__ kutta. Don't bother. You have your own problems."_

_He only grit his teeth and tried once again to turn to help his brother. The blow was to the back of his head this time. The bleached light of the noonday sun was the last thing he saw as it all went to black_

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**We will take something of a journey in the following chapters. It's getting colder so trying to find a place to write without having cats draped over my neck like itchy wool mufflers is becoming difficult. Will do my best.**

**Any comments you'd like to make would be much appreciated.**


	17. Rain Man

Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 17

**Here's the next one. Remember this is fiction. I did the best I could with location and language but you guys already know the trouble I can get into with such things.**

**Thank You: To tiva forever2009-2010 for her excellent research and to all who've reviewed, alerted and listed this in favorites. (Several of you were kind enough to kick me in the butt when I posted the wrong chapter. I promise to wear my glasses next time).**

**Disclaimer: What would be better than the non-existent income this obsession earns me, would be when CBS finally realizes what an asset all of the Fanfiction writers and readers would be to the show and they send a private jet to come get us all. Still trying to decide if husband and ninja cats are coming with.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Rain Man

He was cold all the time now. It didn't matter how he was dressed. It didn't matter the temperature; it could be forty-five or a hundred-five. It didn't matter. He was always cold.

The wind whipped off the surface of the water and he felt its spray on his face. In that brief flash when it hit his skin, he was there again but it was only ocean water. Just water. Not blood. It was so confusing sometimes. There seemed to be no clear boundary between memory and reality.

The ferry to Lanai cut through the water at a good clip. It was a people only ferry, not one that could carry autos. He'd paid a fisherman to take him to Molokai where he could catch it to the smaller island.

The money from his pawned watch wasn't going to go very far but at least it got him out of Honolulu. He was afraid the guy with the battered little boat was going to turn him down. After all, a stranger in worn clothing, (courtesy of the Salvation Army store), offering cash to take him away from Honolulu to Molokai was a little out of the ordinary. Most of the travel between the islands was by air. There'd be no earthly reason for it to be on the up and up. He may have figured out a way to take a plane to Lanai but, right now, he couldn't even think straight. He didn't trust himself to fly and hiring a plane would be too easy to trace by his expert team.

Luckily for him, someone was desperate enough to take him on as a passenger and also luckily, he hadn't been dumped overboard in the Kaiwi Channel by an unscrupulous boat captain.

The suspicious captain had kept a watchful eye on him all the way there and looked relieved when he'd let his passenger off at the dock.

Molokai was one of the islands he'd vowed to keep safe. Hell, right now he couldn't even manage his own life. How would he keep anyplace or anyone safe? Trying to push away the nagging negative thoughts that were always with him, he closed his eyes and let the rocking of the ferry lull him. The sun actually felt good right now. When he'd first gotten back, it only felt painful. He thought maybe it would never feel good again but for now it seemed to soothe him.

His thoughts once more went to his team. He knew they'd eventually find him. They were too good at what they did for them not to, though he didn't know what state they'd find him in: sane, crazy, alive . . . not.

If it did come to that, he hoped it would be a stranger who discovered him. He wouldn't want to put any of them through that. They deserved better, not someone like him. He was no friend. He was only a failure, a royal fuck-up . . . a coward.

Sighing tiredly, he sat back on the bench, the sunlight glowing through his closed lids making his shuttered vision a field of blood red. The ferry's engines droned on. Taking him away from his family; the ones he'd failed.

…

"GODDAMMIT!" yelled Danny in frustration. "How the hell does he expect for anything to get better when he won't let anyone help him! The diminutive detective paced back and forth in front of the bus bench as he alternated running his hands through his hair in frustration and waving them about.

Chin stood silently by, waiting for him to calm down so they could get on with the business of finding Steve.

Chin knew Steve didn't expect anyone to help him. He expected to do everything on his own. It was his father's great flaw and it was apparently genetic. Neither would ask for help. Neither realized how people felt about them. Perhaps it was just their wanting to protect people from harm: John protecting his children and his friends from Wo-Fat, Steve right now protecting everyone from himself. Other than being incredibly stupid, it was just sad.

"Danny, we need to go driving around to look for him. He can't have gotten very far if he's on foot."

"Yeah, that's what I thought last time." barked the blonde detective, sounding angry and discouraged.

"Last time?" asked Chin, eyebrows raised in question, feeling the beginning of an 'uh-oh'.

"Come on let's get back in the car." said Danny, "I'll tell you while we look."

Returning to the Camaro, they quickly buckled themselves in and as Danny turned the key and put the sleek machine into gear, he began the story of Steve's snowy adventure in Chicago.

Danny seriously doubted that Steve would try to drink himself into oblivion this time. His idiot partner wasn't dumb enough to repeat that disaster. If they didn't find him now, he had no idea where to even begin to look. Steve was born here and knew the islands well. Throw in his training and his own recalcitrant nature . . . If he didn't want to be found he wouldn't be - at least not for a while.

Just like last time, they drove slowly through the streets. Their eyes searching for the tall, dark-haired man lost in the desert.

…..

She saw him sitting on the bench in front of the small hardware store across the street. The rain washed down in sheets and practically obscured him from view.

The only thing she could make out was dark hair and pale skin.

She sighed thinking, _Probably just another homeless haoli who'd been lured by the promise of paradise and then had run into the stone wall of reality._ It happened.

She kept working on her ancient sewing machine, trying to get it to hold a stitch as the needle pushed through the flowered fabric. Almost smiling to herself she realized the Singer was probably as old as she is. Right now, that seemed positively ancient. Swearing aloud in frustration, she kicked the table on which it sat then swore some more at the pain in her foot as it collided with the wooden table leg.

Machinery repair was never her forte'. Malu had always taken care of that stuff along with keeping up the repairs on the household appliances and the house itself. This morning, before she left for her small shop, she'd had to place the big galvanized wash tub she usually used for the goats into the middle of the kitchen floor to catch the maddening drops of rain that gathered on the ceiling to splat noisily onto the linoleum. She just hoped it wouldn't overflow before she got home.

Gathering up the brightly colored pieces of her unsewn fabric, she neatly stowed everything away. Perhaps tomorrow would be a better day for machinery repair . . . you never know.

Her bag under her arm, she plopped her big plastic rain hat on her grey head and without bothering to lock the door, (there'd never been need to do so until recently but she still clung to the old ways), she clumped down the steps into the muddy street.

The guy she'd seen from her window was still huddled there. He wasn't wearing anything that offered protection from the surprisingly heavy downpour and resembled a drowned . . . whatever. She couldn't come up with an animal that wasn't a cliché. As she walked past him she noticed that he shivered a little, wrapping his arms around himself as he stared vacantly into space.

_Dammit._

Never one to ignore a stray – hence the small but growing menagerie of abandoned, misfit and damaged animals waiting at home to be fed - she paused in her passing to look down at him.

"Ua kane, you need a meal?" she asked, hoping that's all he'd ask for; a couple of bucks for a burger or maybe a beer. If she had it, she'd give it. There were no stipulations on its use.

He looked up startled; as if surprised anyone would even ask.

She evaluated his face. It was thin with angular features and long-lashed eyes the color of deep ocean. He might even be handsome if he gained a couple of pounds and shaved the dark, scruffy beard but, above all, it looked lost. Perhaps he wasn't dangerous. She'd be careful though.

"No ma'am" he answered politely "but thanks for asking." He was embarrassed by the question, ducking his head and then involuntarily shivering again. She'd called him 'rain man'.

"Well, you do need to get out of this downpour. I'll buy you a cup of coffee to warm you up if you like. It's not a good day to be outside and I could use the company. Meet me at the diner on the corner in about twenty minutes if you want to warm up. "Up to you." With that, she walked off, wincing at what she may have gotten herself into. For all she knew, the guy could be a serial killer. From the looks of him, he was probably a drug addict. You don't get that skinny and pale from leading a healthy lifestyle. Oh well, it was a public café and besides, Malu would look after her.

Her departed husband had always warned her that someday one of her strays, human or animal, would turn around and bite her. So far, so good. Besides, she knew he was up there watching over her. When she saw him again, she'd have to thank him for doing so.

…

They searched until it grew dark. Kono, Kamekona and even Max had joined in. The cousins had put out the word among their many relatives to be on the lookout for the tall man and had added the warning to not approach him, just call them if he was spotted.

As before, Danny hesitated to call in the local PD. Not knowing what was currently going on in his friend's unstable mind made the situation dangerous for everyone. Steve was a highly trained and skilled warrior – a weapon unto himself. If his flashbacks took him to the desert again, he could easily hurt someone. He wasn't HPD'S favorite Navy SEAL to begin with ever since the Jameson thing and though Danny occasionally teased him about it, Steve's own confident/arrogant 'damn the torpedoes' attitude didn't sit well with the local gendarmes.

He'd also made a call to Doctor Esquivel. The shrink was very unhappy his patient was still wandering around by himself. The doctor was concerned that Steve could even be unhinged enough right now to do something 'stupid'. Esquivel didn't have to define the term for the detective. Danny had seen his friend's desperation. They agreed to keep the search under wraps for the moment but neither Steve's shrink nor his friend were hopeful that he'd be found if he didn't want to be.

…..

He shivered harder. He was soaked to the bone and so very, very cold. He didn't know how long he'd been sitting on the bench but it must have been a while. He remembered disembarking from the ferry but not much else. He'd come to this island as a kid. His dad and one of his dad's friends and son had come here to fish and hike. At the time it had been unspoiled by the encroachment of civilization. Other than the Ace hardware store in front of which he sat, it didn't look much different than it had then. The little 'wide spot in the road' town wasn't even on the tourist maps. It reminded him of one of the old songs from long ago that had a lyric about a town that was so small you could roll a rock from end to end. A brief smile crossed his face. Danny would surely hate that song too.

The old woman was right. He had to get out of the rain. The bone rattling chills threatened to nearly topple him from his perch on the bench. Maybe sitting in a café with a hot cup of coffee is a good idea.

He got stiffly to his feet and pulling his light windbreaker tighter around him, strode toward the barely visible sign that hung over the coffee shop. It wasn't a Starbucks, (thank God), and appeared to have been there for quite some time. He walked into the building and several people looked up at him, suspicion openly displayed on their faces.

He ignored them and seeing the sign posted at the door that read 'Seat Yourself', took a place at a table near the window. He realized he looked like something the cat dragged in after finding it lying in a ditch somewhere – a water filled ditch at that. He still shuddered miserably but looked up as the waitress, a young girl wearing flip-flops, (what the locals call slippers), with a long black braid trailing down her back came up to him.

She smiled tentatively but looked as though she expected him to lunge at her with a knife or something. He smiled back as best he could, hoping it didn't look too much like a pained grimace and asked her to bring him a cup of coffee, telling her he was waiting for someone to join him.

Large, almond shaped, eyes blinked back at him and she turned to go get the coffee without saying anything. _Well, so much for the old charm_, thought McGarrett smiling to himself.

The girl had just returned with the steaming stoneware cup and a small pitcher of cream and set it carefully down in front of him and then disappeared again when the grey-haired woman entered. She removed her plastic rain hat and shook the water out of it before closing the door behind her.

Seeing him at the small table, she smiled and said to the girl who'd somehow magically reappeared beside the table, "Lila, could you bring me a cup too along with a couple of menus?" Though she knew the rather limited menu by heart, (considering this was the only café on this side of the island), perhaps her guest didn't. She may be able to talk him into actually eating something – he certainly looked like he could use the calories.

"Aloha, Ua Kane, you decided to join me. I welcome the company." she said as she took her seat opposite him.

"Aloha nui aloha." he greeted. She looked a little surprised. Perhaps he'd lived here longer than she thought. He had a nice smile.

….

The kid tugged with all his might. He looked to be ten or so, barely strong enough to get the heavy glass door open. Chin, an amused expression on his face went to help him open it.

Striding confidently into the middle of the office, the boy announced, "I need to see Danno."

"Excuse me?" asked Chin somewhat surprised by the boy's brazen attitude.

"The tall guy told me to ask for Danno." Stated the kid without blinking, wondering why he was even being doubted.

"What tall guy?" asked Chin, hoping to hear what he wanted to hear. It had been over a week since they'd last seen Steve.

"I'm only 'sposed to talk to Danno." said the kid, refusing to answer the Hawaiian.

"What's your name kid?" asked Chin, hoping to get at least that much out of him.

The boy only looked up at him with dark determined eyes, his shiny bowl cut hair nearly hiding them.

"Danny! There's someone here to see you." yelled Chin toward the break room where the blonde detective had gone to refill his coffee mug. He'd been living on the stuff since his partner had disappeared and they'd been frantically searching for their lost SEAL.

"What's going on?" asked Danny as he walked up to the two Hawaiians, one grown and the other not even half so, standing in the middle of the office.

"You Danno?" asked the kid, solemn expression on his small tanned face.

"I'm Detective Danny Williams" answered the blonde man, amused by the kid's serious demeanor.

"Not Danno?" queried the boy, refusing to be intimidated in the least by the two men who stood over him, badges clipped to their belts.

"Sometimes I'm called Danno, yeah" answered the detective his heart speeding up as he belatedly realized the only ones he'd allowed to do so were his daughter and, reluctantly, his missing partner.

"I have something to give you then." said the boy, reaching into his pocket to pull the something out.

There in the small palm was Steve's shield. Both Danny and Chin were startled into silence as the kid stood there holding the badge out to him.

"He said not to worry, that he didn't need it anymore and that you are gonna give me twenty dollars."

"Where did you see this man? What did he look like?" quickly asked Chin; Danny seeming to be speechless for the moment.

"Twenty dollars first." said the kid with solemn conviction.

"Here, here's your twenty." said Kono as she stepped up to them after seeing Danny's and her cousin's shocked expressions.

The boy handed the badge to a still speechless Danny and took Kono's proffered twenty dollar bill, examining it carefully as though they'd try to give him a counterfeit. Satisfied it was real, he carefully folded it to tuck into his pocket.

"He came up to us at the Starvation Army store and asked my mom if I could do a chore for him. She said okay so he handed me this and ten dollars and told me to give this to Danno at Five-0 headquarters. He looked kinda sad."

"Is this the guy?" asked Danny, turning to pick a photo off the wall to hold in front of the kid's face. It was taken at the award ceremony last year when Five-0 had been awarded a commendation for meritorious service to the State of Hawaii. It showed Steve receiving a plaque from the governor. Danny had it framed mostly to annoy his partner.

The kid took it from him and studied it intently before handing it back and saying, "Yeah that's him but he's kinda skinnier than in the picture . . . and his hair is longer and he needs to shave."

"When did he give this to you?" asked Danny, now holding up the shield.

"Yesterday. My mom couldn't bring me here until today. She's waiting outside for me. I have to go now."

"We need to talk to your mom too kid." said Danny as he started toward the door.

"Crap." said the kid, his mom only knew about the ten. Now, she'd find out about the other money too. Life just wasn't fair sometimes.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Apologies to anyone who is familiar with the Hawaiian language its geography or its ferry services.**

**Reviews would make me deliriously happy and would make ninja cats wonder if I snarfed up their meowie-wowie.**

**Next chapter within a week if they leave me the hell alone long enough to write it!**


	18. Rebellion

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 18

**Here's another. A little more info about where Steve spent his time that week before the kid showed up with his badge. Hope the flashback isn't too chaotic but well, that's gotta be my middle name by now. Mistakes are all mine, (and they are inevitable).**

**Thank you, thank you for all of your comments, alerts and favorites. It really is incentive to post these chapters quickly. I truly love to hear your views on how you feel the story is progressing and if I wait too long, my withdrawal symptoms don't sit well with the cats.**

**Disclaimer: Still no money made from this. Still haven't even breathed the same air as anyone remotely connected to the show. Still dreaming.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Rebellion

A couple of days ago:

He'd used the last of his money. Last night was the last he could afford at the dilapidated 'no tell motel' he'd been staying at for the past five days. They didn't ask questions there. He'd been just another of the shady denizens of the city who sought anonymity for reasons immoral, illegal or maybe just insane. He'd fit right in with the guy who argued politics with himself all night in the room next door and the woman downstairs who entertained 'gentlemen callers' at all hours. If he was still a cop, he would have found a lot to do there but he wasn't any such thing. His 'cop' days were over, his SEAL days were over, his life was over. He just hadn't lain down to die yet.

He blinked up at the sunlight that broke through the clouds overhead and shivered. It must be colder than he thought. Even when it rained it wasn't usually cold here but he'd been freezing for days.

Entering the cluttered but neatly kept shop, he approached the pony-tailed clerk behind the barred window. The guy who looked about his own age smiled up at him from a list he'd been methodically checking off before him.

He really didn't want to part with the watch but it was the fastest way to get some cash. It was an expensive one Cath had given him a couple of Christmases ago. Danny liked to tease him that with all its bells and whistles, one could probably tell what time it was on Mars and then it could make you a cup of coffee. To quote his sometimes technologically challenged partner, 'You know, that's what a watch is supposed to do – just tell you the time, not predict the friggin' future'. Well, it was a good thing it couldn't because it probably wasn't all that bright anyway.

He treasured it mostly because it was from Cath and well, it was a really good watch. It had survived numerous situations that would have done in a lesser one. He'd left it behind when he'd been deployed last time. It was unwise to take anything too precious or too personal on a mission. It was actually against orders to do so. When he'd been captured, they'd stripped him of anything of value but other than his weapons and the cheaper watch he wore, there wasn't anything worth having.

The not unsympathetic clerk eyed him knowingly. Taking in the rumpled uniform and unshaven appearance, his thought was: Here's a guy who'd celebrated a little too hard on his return from wherever he'd been sent. Women and booze can be expensive; wouldn't be the first guy to blow it all on such things and then need money to get home. At least he'd made it back in one piece.

After handing the watch to him, the tall man just stood quietly, not begging or bargaining to get a higher offer.

He usually tried a little harder to work with the military. He'd give the guy a fair price for it. The watch was a good one, not too worn looking. It was undoubtedly expensive when originally purchased but his parameters were pretty clear as to what he could offer for it. His boss would have his head if he went outside them.

"Your choice man. One-fifty to pawn it or fifty more if you want to sell it." said the clerk waiting patiently as his customer quietly mulled it over.

Without a change in expression, the tall man gave his answer. "I'll take the two-hundred." _Who knows if I'll ever need it again? Who knows if I'll ever see Cath again?_

Surely, she'd not want to be with him now. Danny said he hadn't told her of his time in the psych ward but he didn't know if he believed him. He didn't know what to believe anymore. Sometimes it felt as though everyone was lying to him, watching and waiting for him to take a mistep or do something wrong so they could lock him up again. Sometimes he knew those thoughts were just paranoid bullshit. Sometimes he could fight them. Sometimes he couldn't.

The clerk smiled and said, "You got it man." and carefully counted out the money in twenties. Steve had to show his driver's license and sign the receipt before the clerk would hand it over. The state was pretty strict about such things.

"Good luck to you. Hope you get home soon." said the clerk as he handed him the bills.

Nodding his head in thanks, the tall man took the money and walked back out to the busy street.

He knew he should eat something but he still wasn't hungry. The meds had pretty much worn off but his stomach felt no better. It was always in an uncomfortable knot. He compromised and bought a milk-shake at a place a couple doors down from the pawnshop. He drank most of it but its sweetness seemed overpowering and he tossed the rest of it into the rusty trash can that belonged to the small dilapidated burger stand. It's garishly painted sign boasted 'Best Burgers on the Island'. He'd have to find out if that was true another time. If there was to be another time.

The street was teeming with traffic and passersby. It seemed so loud. He just wanted to be away from it; somewhere quiet. He'd been without sleep for so long now. He was afraid to sleep. He was never alone for long when the darkness claimed him. She would find him. He'd see her hand outstretched, see the baby's big eyes until the flash of the blade made him scream and he woke himself up. Yup, he'd fit right in with the rest of them at the Island Breeze Motel.

The Prozacin could keep her away for the most part but the price he paid was disconnection from his own senses and the inability to keep down anything he ate. He didn't know if he was glad he was without it or not. It didn't matter now. He couldn't go back to his house to get it. His team was looking for him. He knew they were. If he couldn't get away from here, Danny would eventually find him and yell at him for being an idiot. Maybe he is but Danny didn't understand. Nobody did.

Spotting the Salvation Army store on the other side of the street, he decided to head toward it. His funds were limited so it was the best way to get something to wear. He still had on his khakis. He'd taken his cap and whatever ribbons were pinned on his shirt and shoved them into his pocket. He shouldn't even wear the uniform now. He'd disgraced it. He had no right.

Looking around to make sure no one had followed him though he knew it was probably an irrational thought; he entered the cool dimness of the store. It smelled of old clothes and books and the musty belongings of people who'd gone on to better things or maybe just gone. It wasn't really a bad smell, just an old one.

Signs hanging from the ceiling pointed him toward the section that held men's clothing. Quickly sorting through the racks of pants and shirts he found a pair of faded Levis and a blue T-shirt that were in decent shape. They totaled seven-fifty. He didn't know where he was going so it might be a good idea to get a jacket of some sort. The selection was pretty sparse. There wasn't anything in his size – not even taking into account his weight loss. He finally settled on a windbreaker that was way too large but was in good condition and an acceptable color. His total now was twelve dollars.

He'd keep his belt but the shoes had to go. Rummaging around in the footwear section, he found a pair of flip-flops for a dollar. His new wardrobe was complete.

After paying for them, he took his purchases to one of the dressing rooms and changed. Removing the contents of his pockets for transfer to his old/new Levi's, he pulled out his shield. He couldn't just leave it in the bin he intended to put his clothing in. Having a cop's badge fall into the wrong hands could be dangerous. Biting his lips, he made a decision and bundling up his clothing; he exited the changing room and made his way toward the front door.

Evaluating the people he passed, he came upon a kid shopping with his mother. Pretending to go through a rack of clothing, he observed them for a bit before approaching them. The kid would probably be happy to have a little pocket money.

"Ma'am?" he said coming up to her slowly so as not to startle her.

"Yes?" she asked suspiciously, taking in this tall thin man's rather unkempt appearance.

"Would it be alright if I hired your son to do a chore for me?"

"What chore would that be?" she said subtly pushing the kid behind her.

"I could pay him . . . uhh . . . ten dollars?"

"To do what?" she demanded as the kid peeked out eagerly from behind her protective barrier. _Ten dollars – yeah!_

"I need to get this badge back to a friend of mine at Iolani Palace. It's the headquarters for the Governor's Special Task Force. It won't take long; all he has to do is drop it off."

….

Today:

While Chin held onto the kid, Kono went outside to fetch his mom.

The woman was led somewhat reluctantly into the office, giving her boy an exasperated look as she took a seat next to him in front of Danny's desk. The boy was slumped dejectedly into his chair. She looked as though she'd come straight from work. She wore the brightly colored uniform sported by employees of a large chain of fast food restaurants. Her dark hair was tied neatly into a bun at the back of her head, a few stray wisps of it falling about her face. Perched on her nose were inexpensive eyeglasses with rather thick lenses . . . and she looked tired.

"Mrs. . . . ?" began the detective waiting for the woman to supply her name.

"Kekumu she said. My name is Sheri Kekumu"

"What is your son's name? He seems to think we don't need to know." said Danny, turning his head toward the kid and giving him a stern look which didn't seem to faze the boy at all as he looked back defiantly from under his shiny mop, apparently still pissed that he was going to have to share his bounty with his mother.

"Look, if Mikey gave you any trouble, I'm sorry. I can't do anything with him lately. Since his dad left, he's been angry about everything. He's gotten into trouble a couple of times in the last few months. Maybe talking to some policemen would be a good idea." With that she gave her son a pointed look which was not lost on him. The kid seemed to shrink back into the chair a little.

_At least the little bastard is intimidated by something_, thought Danny as he smiled tightly at the beleaguered woman, "No, Mikey's not in any trouble. We just need to get some information from him – and you – about the man who hired him to bring this badge here. We've been searching for him for a while and your information may help us locate him."

"Oh my God!" squeaked the woman, "Is he dangerous? I knew he looked a little too scruffy to be law abiding."

"No ma'am" answered Chin, who was leaned against the console near the window; Kono was seated next to him on top of its glass surface. "He's . . . a friend and he's not dangerous. He's a good guy."

_Not dangerous to anyone but himself_, thought Kono without saying it aloud.

"Mrs. Kekumu, your son said that he came up to you at the 'Starvation' Army store?" smiled Danny seriously trying to control himself and not grab the little brat who sat scowling brazenly at him.

"Uhh, yeah, Mikey always calls it the _Starvation_ Army instead of the Salvation Army. It was kind of cute at first but I'm afraid it's maybe a little too close to the truth when my paycheck doesn't quite stretch far enough at the end of the month." she joked half-heartedly.

"I know what you mean." said Danny sympathetically, "Where is this store?"

"It's on Twenty-Second Avenue just off of Luawai Street."

"Mikey said the man who hired him came up to you to ask permission first?" asked Chin.

"Uhh, yeah. I figured he was being careful not to alarm me. You really can't trust anyone these days with children. You have to keep them in your sight at all times. I've warned Mikey to not to talk to strangers."

"He seems to be taking your warning to heart." smiled Danny, "He won't tell us much."

"That's because I don't know that much, cop!" resentfully blurted the kid.

Peering over the top of her glasses, Mrs. Kekumu again gave her son a hard look. This time, the kid looked down. He knew he was in trouble.

"There wasn't much to it. He just asked if my son would like to earn ten-dollars by taking that badge to Five-0 and dropping it off. I think he said for Mikey to give a message to someone about not worrying. That's all I really remember about the conversation."

"Your son identified this man as the one who hired him," said Danny, pushing the framed photo toward her across his desk. The woman picked it up and after looking at it briefly said, "Yeah, that's him but he looks different – maybe thinner and . . . scruffier. Is he someone important?"

"Yeah, he's someone important." grimly stated Kono. "Very important."

"Do you remember what he was wearing?" asked Danny, quick to deflect any questions Mikey's mother may have.

"Yeah, ratty Levi's, slippers, some kind of colored T-shirt . . . you know, the usual thing people wear who don't have much money. Oh, yeah, he had on one of those nylon windbreakers, I noticed it because it was too big for him. Kinda gave him a scarecrow vibe . . . you know?"

Chin inwardly winced. Steve was always simply but neatly dressed in his everyday uniform of cargoes and T-shirt. Not fancy but always presentable. Imagining his neat-freak boss in anything less was a little disturbing.

"Well, thank you for your information. You've been very helpful. Your son earned his twenty-dollars today." smiled Danny as the kid gave him a look that would have him six-feet under if the boy wasn't only ten years old and the size of a skinny raccoon. The kid's mom could use the money and it would teach her son a lesson to not hide things from the woman who supported his scrawny little ass.

Mrs. Kekumu only looked sternly at her son and without saying anything; the boy pulled the neatly folded bill from his pants pocket and handed it to his mother.

She sighed and told him, "Mikey you can have some of this but the rest has to go for groceries this week. If that job comes through for me, I'll give you the rest of it on payday, okay?"

"Okay." mumbled the kid. "Can we go now?"

"Yeah" smiled Danny, "You can go now. Mind your mom. Life isn't easy for her right now and she needs all the help you can give her. Understand?"

"Yeah"

"Good boy." said Danny, rising to usher the two out of his office. "Thanks for the information and good luck on that job Mrs. Kekumu." he said as she walked toward the door, her son in tow.

"Good luck finding your friend." she replied, grabbing Mikey by his collar and steering him toward the parking lot.

Said Danny as soon as she was out of sight, "Kono, let's get to that Starvation Army store."

….

The rain still poured down in buckets. Squalls of it completely obscured the other side of the street. Steve really was glad he'd taken up the old woman's offer of a cup of coffee. His clothes were beginning to dry and he was marginally warmer than he'd been when he first sat down at the table. At least the shivering had almost stopped.

"So, Ua Kane, what should I call you?" asked the woman as she looked across the table at her still sodden companion.

"Ua Kane is fine ma'am. It's as good a name as any." smiled Steve, hoping she wouldn't be offended by his lack of an answer.

"Okay, Rain Man it is." she smiled back. He seemed nice enough, even though he wouldn't tell her his name for whatever reason. Oh well, everyone has their secrets. She knew she had her own.

"You sure I can't get you to eat anything? No offense boy but you could stand a little kau kau."

"I . . . I'll eat something but I would like to buy you breakfast if I may?"

"Umm, okay" she said, surprised the man had any money. He didn't look like someone who had a penny to his name. "It's been a while since a handsome man has offered to buy me breakfast." then she cackled, "I think that came out wrong."

He smiled back at her. A good smile. No sadness in it this time.

They placed their order with Lila and while they waited for their food, made small talk. Steve realized he didn't even know the woman's name but considering he'd been reluctant to give his own, he really felt like an ass for asking her what it is.

Almost as though reading his mind, her dark eyes full of mischief she supplied, "My name is Kekipi by the way. You can just call me Kip. Considering that we're having breakfast together, I assume you want to know what it is?"

"Your name is 'Rebellion'?" he smiled, "Your parents had an interesting take on baby names."

Again surprised at his knowledge of the language, she replied, "Yeah, well, a kahuna told them their next kid would be a handful so I guess they decided to get ahead of the game and give everyone fair warning."

"I always like to know the name of the woman who sits across from me at breakfast." he grinned.

"I bet there've been a few." she cackled again, amusedly noticing the new color creeping into his pale complexion before asking, "Say, you know anything about fixing sewing machines?"

On the other side of the room, sat a group of men throwing the stranger hard looks and leaning toward one another across the table they began to discuss something in hushed tones.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Next chapter in about another week. There be whump ahead.**


	19. A Big Wad of Nothing

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 19

**Here's the next. It got away from me and became too long and unwieldy so I had to split it. I apologize for the lack of promised whump.**

**My imaginary beta is not the sharpest and the dimwit probably missed a couple of things so let me know if she really screwed up and I will withhold her chocolate rations.**

**Disclaimer: Neither, rain nor sleet nor gloom of night shall keep this writer from her appointed rounds. I stole that oath from the U.S. Postal Service but I must add: 'nor lack of sleep, fame or fortune' to make it applicable.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Big Wad of Nothing?

Danny and Kono turned off of Luawai onto Twenty-Second and immediately spotted the big Salvation Army Store in the middle of the block. They had to park several doors down because even with the authority of their badges, there wasn't a space to be had any closer.

Blinking against the bright sun, the compact detective hurried down the street, the tall Hawaiian girl easily keeping up with him. The air was steamy as they walked along the still drying concrete. Danny was at a loss to even contemplate what he may have done in a past life that would have the fates dictate he leave a place with 'normal' weather, (actual seasons – and not a one of them named 'monsoon'), to dwell in this hot, soggy, hell. Sweat was beginning to drip down the center of his back as they entered the large building. Kono, of course, looked fresh and unbothered by the sauna-like conditions. Taking a brief moment for their eyes to adjust to the relative dimness, they went immediately to the register near the door.

In line ahead of them was a blue-haired old woman trying to choose between spending seventy-five cents on a bright yellow scarf or on an incredibly gaudy purple-green-orange-striped one. She dithered for what seemed an hour; first holding up the yellow in front of her and then the one Danny thought was the ugliest thing he'd ever seen; appearing as though a cat had eaten several balls of yarn and then hacked up the hideous creation she now held up in front of her.

Finally running out of patience he spoke up, "Dear, I think the yellow would look lovely on you. It goes so well with your coloring." Kono almost choked on the wad of chewing gum she'd just popped into her mouth to lose the lingering aroma of her garlic shrimp lunch from Kamekona's. They regularly checked in with their extra-large friend to see if his 'contacts' had any news on their wayward boss. So far, all the big man could offer them was food, not news.

Startled, the old woman turned and smiled at the blonde man saying, "Thank you young man. I was having such a hard time choosing. You know, I need something to brighten up my outfit for my lunch with my granddaughter tomorrow. She's visiting all the way from Phoenix. That's in Arizona you know."

"I'm sure, she'd be delighted to see you in that color. Right Kono?"

Eyes watering and trying not to choke, the Hawaiian could only nod her head enthusiastically. She was trying to get over her introduction to 'Danny Williams - Fashion Consultant' and she was almost positive that swallowing a large lump of Juicy Fruit wasn't good for you.

The woman reached into her big plastic pocket book and drawing out a small change purse, slowly, (incredibly slowly), counted out her change to pay for her purchase. Taking her package and giving Danny and Kono a big lipstick-smeared smile, the old gal toddled toward the door as the woman behind the register rolled her eyes at the departing septuagenarian.

Kono, having recovered from her ingestion of chewing gum, quickly stepped forward to present her badge saying, "We're from Five-0 and we have a few questions about one of your recent customers."

Danny had pulled out his phone and quickly scrolled through it to find a recent picture of Steve. The clerk quirked her thick brows at the blonde man and the pretty young woman in front of her.

"'kay" she said compliantly enough, "What ya wanna know?" A short, plump thing with cropped curly hair and a pencil resting behind one ear, she didn't look unfriendly, just curious.

Danny held his phone up so she could see the shot he'd found of Steve. It wasn't the most flattering but it was the most recent.

Steve wasn't aware he was being photographed and was standing and frowning at the flight information displayed on the electronic departure/arrival board at O'Hare. He looked tired, thin and unhappy.

Feeling guilty for taking it, Danny had almost deleted it. Maybe those ancient cultures he'd read about in _National Geographic_ were right. Though the image hadn't captured anyone's soul, it felt like stealing when you photographed someone when they were unaware. His intention was to show it to Steve after he'd recovered - to point out to him the contrast between _then_ and _now_ and show his damaged friend how far he'd come. Maybe the 'now' would never happen. He never thought he'd need it for something like this.

"Have you seen this man here within the last few days?" he asked.

Leaning forward, the clerk looked at it closely, studying the image for a long moment. "Don't think so, but there's so many people come through here every day you'd be surprised. Lotsa folks trying to make ends meet. You might ask Frank though, he's in the back sorting stuff. He works the cash register too. Maybe he's seen him. Doesn't look familiar to me though. Sorry."

They made their way toward where she pointed. At the very back of the store was an opening in the wall against which were leaned mattresses, metal bedframes, battered surfboards and even a pair of snow skis. The opening had a chain stretched across it with a sign attached that said 'No Customers Beyond This Point'. They quickly ducked under it and entered the warehouse-like space beyond.

In front of a dauntingly large pile of clothing atop a huge sorting table was a young local in dark pants and work shirt.

"Frank?" asked Danny, approaching the man sorting through the pile of donated apparel.

He didn't hear them. Danny yelled louder, "Are you Frank?" Startled, the young man looked up from his task, removing his earphones and tucking them into his breast pocket. They hadn't seen the telltale leads from the IPod clipped to his shirt.

"Yeah brah, how can I help you?" His eyes quickly strayed to the comely young woman also approaching him but snapped back to Danny when he caught the flash of the shield the detective held up before him.

"We're from Five-0 and we need to know if you've seen this man within the last few days." announced the blonde man.

Once again, he held up the electronic image of his partner. Frank took a quick look at it and immediately shook his head in the affirmative. "Yeah, I seen dat guy coupla days ago. He come in all military an' left all moke. What he do?"

"Nothing, he didn't do anything. We're just trying to locate him." said Danny in a rather clipped tone.

"What day was that?" asked Kono in a friendlier voice.

The young guy turned toward her with a smile. He'd be more than happy to cooperate with the law if it looked like this. He unashamedly took in the lithe form and full mouth of the young woman in front of him.

"Day before yesterday. Not too long after we opened."

"Do you remember what he purchased?"

"Just some Levi's and a shirt, nothing special. Oh yeah, and some slippers. What kind of lolo changes nice shoes for old slippers?"

"Anything else you can tell us?"

"Yeah, he paid from a big wad of twenties. I remember 'cause I thought it was kinda ano that a guy with that much money would be shopping here. I mean this is a place to shop when you don't have any money. There's some good stuff here but if I could afford it, I would buy new, not used. You know?"

_A big wad of twenties?_ thought Danny. He knew Steve never carried much money on him, let alone what could be described as a 'wad' of anything. They'd been checking his credit cards to see if there'd been any withdrawals or purchases and there'd been no activity. Steve was certainly aware he could be tracked by their use. Where'd he get the money?

After asking a few more questions, they thanked Frank and went back out into the un-abating sauna. Spotting the hamburger joint on the other side of the busy thoroughfare, Danny, his stomach rumbling for the past hour because of his missed morning meal nodded toward it and crossed the street with Kono in tow. He ignored the honking of the cars he dodged around. _Let some uniform try to give me a ticket for jaywalking right now_. He was just cranky enough and frustrated enough to welcome the confrontation.

He bought himself a chocolate malt and Kono a pineapple/mango smoothie. Without saying anything but making a disapproving face, he handed it to her as she smiled her thanks. Taking their time, they strolled back toward the car, intending to cross 'legally' at the corner this time. It was amazing the difference a bit of chocolate and a jolt of sugar could make in one's mood.

Pausing to take a quick peek at the merchandise in a pawnshop window, something caught Kono's eye.

"Danny!" she exclaimed, nearly dropping her drink. Stabbing her finger at the jewelry displayed on a ratty piece of velvet behind the glass she exclaimed, "Isn't that Steve's watch!"

…..

They waited on the damp wooden walkway in front of the hardware store.

He didn't belong here. A haole didn't belong here. There was nothing here for tourists with their loud voices and ill-behaved children who wanted only to buy gaudy trinkets to take home to their concrete coated lives. Whose only word of the language they'd even remember ten minutes after they left the islands is 'aloha'.

It's fine as it is. No paved roads, no traffic, no McDonald's. It's just fucking fine. There's no room for outsiders here. They only bring trouble.

Now, Kekipi had taken in another of her strays. That dog and those goats had been enough but now she had another bedraggled, unwanted mutt in tow. The woman was a pain in the ass.

They'd make sure her latest stray didn't stick around. He didn't belong here.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**TBC**

**Whump on the way, honest! Next update SOON. If you're not too angry with me, reviews would be lovely.**

**Question: Anyone know if Mr. O has named his new baby yet?**


	20. Old Pieces - New Puzzle

Shallow Grave – Chapter 20

**Here's the next.**

**Your comments and reviews have overwhelmed me. I've listened to them and they have helped to shape this story. Consider this a work you've had a hand in writing. My sincere thanks.**

**Disclaimer: Still waiting to make money from these scribbles and for that plane CBS is sending to take us all to Hawaii to help out with the show. Also awaiting a lotto win, the Pulitzer and for ninja cats to figure out how to bring me a cup of coffee when they wake me up at whatever ungodly hour strikes them to do so.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Old Pieces, New Puzzle

They enjoyed their breakfast. Kip had proven to be an entertaining companion; regaling him with stories of life here in this village of less than four-hundred people.

For a brief time, his ghosts had retreated to the shadows. They still floated at the edges of his consciousness to prevent any real peace but here, in this moment, he sat across a table from and shared a meal with a human being with whom he seemed to connect on some unexplainable level and it felt good. The rain was now falling straight down instead of blasting sideways in violent sheets. It was downright cozy sitting in the window watching it from a warm and dry vantage.

Having eaten most of a stack of pancakes along with a couple of eggs, he pushed his plate away before he made himself sick with the unaccustomed amount of food. "So, what's the issue with your sewing machine?" asked Kip's now nearly dry companion.

"Won't hold a stitch. I've been sewing on it for years and I can usually make the adjustments to get it to behave but this time it seems to be messing with me on purpose." she said, a frown creasing her almost unlined face and with no hint she was trying to be funny.

Steve understood the personification of machinery too well. He was well versed in ascribing human motives to inanimate objects. His dad's old Marquis seemed to fuck with him on a regular basis. Just when he thought he'd solved whatever issue kept it from running 'this week', it would invent an entirely new problem. Danny had flat refused to take a ride in it again, saying _'Even if the president of the Ford Motor Company signed an affidavit stating this deathtrap won't strand us, usually on the side of a friggin' mountain I might add, NO, I will not take a ride in it with you Steven!'_

The memory of Danny's furious but entertaining rants once again made his mind wander to other times when he still had an almost 'normal' life - times when he wasn't haunted by what he'd done.

"Hey . . . Rain Man? You still with me?" he heard from across the table.

"Oh, I'm sorry." he blurted, face reddening, "Haven't really gotten any sleep to speak of lately. Must have zoned out for a moment. My apology."

"No worries kid but I'm the one who's supposed to wander off in the middle of a conversation." she smiled, "Old ladies have the privilege of doing stuff like that, along with developing an unnatural fondness for plastic flower arrangements and having way too many cats."

That made him laugh aloud. He really liked this woman. He realized that maybe part of this comfortable feeling was because she was somehow familiar. He couldn't really place her in his memory but it was an okay feeling.

"Somehow, Kip, I can't picture you with that stuff unless maybe the cats were lions and tigers."

"Yeah, well, a couple of my animals may as well be. Got a dog that will take off your leg if you give him half a chance."

Raising his eyebrows he asked, "Why would you keep a dog like that?"

"Mostly 'cause no one else will have him." she said matter-of-factly. "We keep our distance from each other though. He'd been badly mistreated and it made him mean as a snake. Hasn't bitten me yet but he's a disagreeable old fart." then with that twinkle again she added, "The 'not biting' thing must be professional courtesy."

Again she'd made him laugh. Actually, he almost snorted coffee out of his nose and then managed to inhale some as her punch line coincided with his last swallow of the dark brew.

"You know, I've used that coffee to remove paint. I just have 'em brew me a weaker pot so it won't eat through the bucket before I can get it home." she observed sympathetically as he tried to clear the liquid from his lungs.

Once he'd managed to regain some control, he coughed out, "So where do you keep this evil machine?"

"It's at my shop just down the street. Think you can fix it?"

"I'll give it a shot. That engineering degree must be good for something." he answered.

_Great!_ she thought as he paid the bill and they left the restaurant. _Maybe I can get that dinosaur fixed and get back to work. He's also given me another piece of the puzzle. Engineering degree, huh?_

They dashed through the still falling water to cross the muddy street to her shop. She pushed open the door and showed him where her machine sat in front of the window. She liked to work there so she could see what was happening in this small village. Not that anything ever did happen but she'd be able to see it if it did.

He glanced around at the makeshift racks of brightly printed Hawaiian shirts that looked ready to market. Their hangers were bunched together by fabric pattern with rubber bands securing each group together. _Chin would be in heaven here_, he thought.

"I've been trying to get this order completed for shipment to Honolulu. There's a boutique there that carries my stuff. I've made a decent living at it and still can if that piece of shit machine would cooperate." growled Kip, not bothering to censor her language. Actually, she never censored her language. Malu used to call her on it sometimes but she'd just tell him to shut the hell up. Life was too short to tiptoe through it.

He sat down in her sturdy wooden chair to examine the old machine. First thing he noticed was the motor didn't seem to start smoothly when he depressed the power pedal. It made the machine jerk to a start rather than ease into it as it should. He vaguely remembered how his mother's old machine had run and he knew this wasn't the norm. His mom had actually forbidden him to go anywhere near her sewing machine, knowing he'd most likely take it apart to see what made it run. He'd been a 'curious' child. She never did forgive him for the toaster thing.

"Do you have a screwdriver?" he asked of the woman peering intently over his shoulder.

"Should have one here somewhere." she answered, turning to go to a cabinet on the other side of the small room. He waited patiently as she sorted through what he would probably consider a junk drawer, hearing the clinking and rattling of whatever was in there as she pawed through it.

"Nope, can't find it." she finally said in frustration, "I'll have to go get one at the hardware store. It's just across the street. It'll only take a minute."

"I'll go." he said, "Might find something else useful while I'm there. You stay dry." With that, he was up and out the door before she could protest.

She watched him gracefully hop across the large pools of water that had formed in the muddy street. She couldn't shake the feeling that Ua Kane looked familiar somehow. Maybe it was what made her invite him for coffee. _Nah, who am I kidding? He just looked like someone who could use a meal . . . but still . . . _

Here was a new puzzle for her to figure out. She liked puzzles. When she couldn't sleep, she sometimes laid them out on her kitchen table and worked on them into the wee hours. Some of them had thousands of pieces and when they were done she was reluctant to take them apart; not wanting to destroy the beautiful images they formed.

Sometimes there were pieces missing. The puzzles were old and a couple of them she'd put together and taken apart more than once or twice. It was almost like the missing pieces walked away of their own accord. Maybe they were tired of holding their corner of the picture together. Maybe the cat ate them.

…

Earlier, he'd noticed the group of men gathered on the walkway in front of the store but they were nowhere in sight right now. He'd also noticed their stares as he sat with Kip in the coffee shop. He tried to mark it down as another bout of unfounded paranoia but as the old saying went, 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there's no one out to get you'. Anyway, they weren't here now.

The small hardware store seemed to carry pretty much whatever one would require for simple home repair along with a few other things for more advanced projects. Looking across the store to the far wall, he spotted a display of hand tools.

The store was compact and a little claustrophobic in its layout because of the need to cram as much as possible into such a small space. The aisles were fairly narrow. Rounding one of them which had an endcap of aluminum cookware, he nearly collided with a burly local.

"Sorry" he said politely, moving aside to let the man pass.

"Hey, watch it haole" the guy growled.

"Sorry." repeated Steve in a tighter voice.

"Fucking haoles." muttered the man who brushed roughly past him and went out the door in a huff.

Steve just blinked after him. It wasn't worth the effort to do anything about it. He'd heard the word before. Depending how it was said, it could be just a descriptive term or a thoroughly derogatory one. Growing up on the islands, he'd experienced it both ways.

Technically, he wasn't even a haole but kama**'**aina **–** someone who was born in Hawaii – but the color of his skin seemed to be the determining factor for a few here. It was just another thing that seemed to mark him as an outsider. _Someone who didn't belong._

Sometimes, the laid back attitude of the island's population was tainted with the 'I was here first' attitude. Steve knew his partner, in particular, was a target of those who held that view. It didn't help that Danny stubbornly refused to adapt to the culture but it still wasn't right.

Snorting in dismissal, he went back to his original mission – finding the small Phillips head screwdriver he needed in the assortment that hung on peg hooks on the back wall. Grabbing the one he wanted, he brought it to the register to pay the dollar-seventy-nine plus tax. Mental calculation told him he had about fifty dollars left in his pocket. His original two-hundred had diminished fairly quickly. He had no idea what to do once it was gone. Find a job? What kind of work was he qualified to do? He was a warrior, a trained killer. It's what he was good at. Not much call for that in civilian life.

"Hey brah, you okay?"

Startled, he looked up into the concerned brown eyes of the clerk; considering the size of the town and the store itself, probably the owner or a relative of the owner.

"Uhh, yeah." He said embarrassed by his mental lapse. He realized he'd zoned out again, _dammit_.

Declining the offer of a bag for his purchase, he thanked the clerk; took his change and receipt and dropped the screwdriver into his jacket pocket.

Stepping out onto the muddy street, he was about to cross it when a harsh voice stopped him.

"Hey haole!"

He slowly turned toward it. There, a few feet away, was the big guy with whom he'd almost collided minutes earlier . . . and his friends.

"I have a name and it isn't haole." said McGarrett in a low but still even voice.

"Yeah, well it's haole to us and if you know what's good for you, you'll get the hell out of here. This isn't a_ tourist_ town." growled the husky local; making the word 'tourist' sound as derogatory as his original term for the SEAL.

"Yeah" said the guy next to him. "Just because you're another one of Kip's strays doesn't mean you have any right to stay. You're just another mangy 'iilio she's picked up off the street like those other 'eka kelo mongrels.

McGarrett only blinked at them, a cold smile slowly appearing on his face.

"What you smiling at dog?" said another of this gang of four; this one shorter and less bulky with a prominent overbite and a goatee that gave him the appearance of a rather sinister rabbit.

"I'm smiling," said McGarrett, his voice low and soft and dangerous, "because it's always polite to smile when introducing yourself to the guy whose ass you're going to kick.

He hadn't kicked anyone's ass in quite a while. Because there were four of these idiots, they'd be expecting an easy win. Well, they _may_ win but it wouldn't be easy.

The largest of them, a beefy guy with nearly mahogany skin and long wavy hair took a step forward expecting his quarry to back-up.

Of course, the SEAL did no such thing.

Long Hair then made the mistake of taking a thick finger to poke McGarrett's chest hard enough to knock him off balance, (if he wasn't trying to push over a concrete pillar).

At that moment, Kip happened to look up from the machine with which she was still vainly fiddling and, glancing out the front window, spied one of the local troublemakers standing chest to chest with McGarrett like some sort of simian stand-off.

Then she saw Benji Pakele push his finger at her new friend's chest as the others looked on with smug expressions.

"Shit!" she loudly exclaimed as she pushed out of her chair and rushed to grab the baseball bat she kept by the door.

"Fucking pupule morons!" she muttered as she stepped out the door and off the wooden walkway into the muck and splashed across the street.

Without even realizing how it had happened, Long Hair, aka Benji, was now face down on the wet planks of the walk, his wrist and elbow in searing agony.

A fierce battle raged above his prone body. He could hear the grunts and yelps of pain as their plan to kick some haole ass seemed to be quickly falling apart.

The SEAL took care of the second of the four, a heavily muscled youth, by deflecting a hard but ineffective blow with his forearm then kicking out to connect with the guy's knee. There was a gratifying crunch and a howl as the attacker went down.

Two down, two to go.

"You are dead 'iilio!" snarled the thug from the store. His speed belying his bulk, he managed to duck under Steve's swing and delivered a quick punch to the side of his head; powerful enough to momentarily make vision blur then took that moment to grab one of the SEAL's arms and attempt to twist it behind him.

Rapidly tiring but head partially clearing, he was about to break free with a hip check that would have had his captor catapulting over his shoulder. His plan was thwarted when suddenly there were other rough hands on him. This new thug succeeded in pinning back his other arm.

_A fifth punk? Okay, he could do this . . . right?_

In front of them, Rabbit Man smiled like a . . . well . . . evil rabbit, and drawing his arm fully back, let loose a punch that connected with the SEAL's solar plexus. It knocked the wind out of him with an explosive exhalation and would have doubled him forward if not for the two holding his arms.

Another hard blow landed on his ribs on the left side and he heard rather than felt a dull snap. Dazed but planning on using his captors as a brace from which to kick out as soon as rabbit man got closer, (and his vision cleared a little more), suddenly there was another change in plans.

Through the blood pounding in his ears and the sound of male voices, he heard a definitely female voice – a really pissed one.

"You pupule bastards!"

"Hey! Kip! No!" squawked Rabbit Man as the Louisville slugger came crashing down on his arm. "Ouch dammit!"

"Let him go or you're all dog meat!"

"Kip, get outta here!" yelled one of the Waiwaiole brothers who still roughly gripped his sagging captive's arm; ignoring his unfortunate sibling still howling in agony on the walkway. "It's none of your business old woman!"

"Old woman huh! I'll show you old woman!" and the bat once again found its target; this time the head of Jimmy Waiwaiole.

Steve felt one of his arms freed and he sagged forward unable to catch his breath. Dark spots threatened to merge into the blackness at the edge of his vision.

The guy holding his right arm, the thug who'd confronted him in the store, got one last solid punch to the side of his captive's face before Kip's bat once again found its mark. He screeched in pain when the heavy wooden club connected with his shoulder.

"I - SAID - LET - HIM - GO!" heard McGarrett just before the dancing black spots finally joined into one and the world went dark.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**TBC**

**Would much appreciate hearing from you if you're of a mind.**

**Next chapter in about a week.**


	21. Kama'aina

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 21

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Here's another. Finished it a little earlier than scheduled. Steve's ohana is still hot on his trail and we get to find out a little more about Kekipi and what happened to our wayward SEAL after the ruckus.**

**Still happily amazed by the response to this story. You guys are awesome, thank you!**

**Disclaimer: If I made money from this, ninja cats would have a self-cleaning litterbox or at least the servant to whom they seem to think they are entitled to clean it for them.**

Kama'aina

_He felt hands on him._

_They were going through his pockets. He tried to hold still and not give any indication he was awake. He heard voices but couldn't make out what they were saying. The cave floor was damp; the iciness of it seeped into him and he shivered._

_He heard a male voice say, "If he doesn't want to tell us who he is, maybe we can find some I.D. Uh oh, he's waking up." Was that in English or Dari? He understood it but in what language was it spoken? His head felt as though it was stuffed with soggy cotton, heavy and dense. It had to be 'them'. It had to be his captors looking for whatever information would be useful to them._

_Where were the women and children? He couldn't hear the babies crying anymore. He hoped they'd only been herded elsewhere with their mothers but maybe they were all gone now, maybe they were dead too._

_They knew he wouldn't tell them anything. They'd certainly beat him enough to know he wasn't going to give-up any information. Were they planning some other kind of torture? He had nothing else on him. They'd already taken his weapons and his watch. There was nothing else. What do they want?_

_Gathering himself without trying to be obvious about it, he got ready to fight them off. He knew it would surely be futile but he'd try again. The last few times had only gotten him beat to a pulp but he had to try._

"_Hey!" someone yelled as he opened his eyes trying to focus on the blurry forms bent over him. Lurching violently upward, he struck out at the shadowy outlines._

_His weak, uncoordinated flailing connected with someone's face. He thought he heard someone yelling for him to stop but he couldn't make out who it might be. He only knew he had to escape. Hands came at him again, pinning him down as he struggled with all his might until it once again became dark and quiet without the sound of children._

….

Danny didn't know whether to be hopeful or not. The guy in the pawnshop had also identified the image displayed on Danny's phone as their wayward SEAL. Okay, they'd established that Steve had spent some time in this neighborhood. It was a start.

"He looked pretty rugged brah." said Louie Lo, the pony-tailed clerk at Island Pawn. "I thought he was just another one of those poor guys who'd just come back from deployment and had partied a little too hard."

Danny's lips thinned as he listened. The watch lay in front of them on the counter. It was definitely Steve's, he seen it often enough and even remembered when his friend had gotten the expensive timepiece. It had arrived at the office via FedEx in a brown cardboard box and when the box was opened, there was a smaller beautifully wrapped package inside.

Catherine hadn't been able to get leave that year for Christmas and her 'not my boyfriend' had been depressed about spending the holidays alone with nothing much to do. He told Danny that in the past, when he hadn't been on deployment, he usually volunteered for duty during the holidays. It freed up others who had families with which to celebrate.

To Danny, even paperwork was preferable to sitting and staring at four walls with only inane reruns of Christmas 'specials' on television. If he saw that stupid animated Rudolph again, he was going to shoot the fucking thing. He was stuck on the island without his daughter because she was spending Christmas with Rachel and her family in England. Steve had become the rock that Danny had clung to in his misery. He didn't even have the money to get back to Jersey for the holidays and wouldn't accept his friend's offer of a loan.

Steve had too easily been talked into opening the beautifully wrapped gift. Despite saying he'd rather wait until Cath could see him open it when she finally got here after the New Year; it hadn't taken much for Danny and the cousins to talk him into tearing off ribbon and paper. Danny always thought it funny his BAMF partner was so childlike when presented with gifts. They seemed to absolutely delight him no matter what they were. At the time, he didn't realize that maybe gifts may have been few and far between since Steve had been sent away from home at such a young age. There'd been no hiding the goofy grin when he put the watch on his wrist for the first time.

Suddenly realizing there was someone waiting expectantly before him, the detective asked, "How much did you give him for it?"

"As much as I'm allowed. The formula worked out to two-hundred dollars. I was sorry I couldn't give him more."

Danny warred with himself. He could _wrongly_ declare the expensive watch 'evidence' and confiscate it until Steve came back. He knew what it had meant to the man and was disturbed that Steve had even chosen to sell it. It just pointed out how desperate he is or how close to doing something 'stupid' as Dr. Esquivel had put it. Frankly, it frightened the crap out of the little detective.

The price tag attached to the band read four-hundred-ninety five dollars plus tax. It may as well have been four-hundred-ninety-five million.

"Could you just hold it here for a while?" he finally asked the clerk.

"I'm sorry brah, I can't do that. I mean I would if I could but as soon as the boss heard what I'd done, he'd just kick my ass and put it back in the window. He'd be yelling about how 'A pawnshop isn't a charity, Louie'," said the clerk, making air quotes around the phrase and lowering his voice into what was probably an imitation of the unseen boss. "Believe me; I've been through it before and I still need this job."

The clerk looked sincerely distressed about it then brightened saying, "I can give you a kama'aina discount if that will help. That's ten-percent off. You live here right?"

"Yeah, but what's a kama'aina?" asked the blonde detective. He'd seen it posted in a few shops but no one had ever offered it to him before.

Kono spoke up. "That's a discount for natives of Hawaii or even just current residents. I always ask if they have one when I buy something."

"Why am I only finding out about this now?" he asks half to himself.

…

"Hey, Rain Man? Wake up boy. We have to get you home before the cops show up."

_Cops? Why were cops coming here?_

There were other words too but not addressed to him. "That's what you get for going through his pockets."

"I was doing it for you, not me! He could be another Charles Manson for all you know!"

"If he doesn't want us to know his name, that's fine. Just leave it be. Just don't touch him again until he's conscious. It's how Joey used to wake up too. You're lucky. Malu got his nose busted once."

_Kip? What was she doing in this cave?_

"Rain Man!" You have to wake up now! Wake up dammit!"

He slowly blinked open his eyes and found two very worried looking people staring down at him. One of them was holding a bloody tissue under one nostril.

"What happened?" he croaked out, recognizing his breakfast companion and the hardware store clerk he'd seen earlier.

"You trashed some really stupid guys." said the clerk, his voice sounding muffled behind the wad of Kleenex.

"Stupid guys?" he repeated, in confusion. His face hurt. His chest hurt. _What the hell . . ._ ?"

Hands reached down for him and this time he didn't fight them. They tugged him to his feet where he swayed and wobbled as the ground refused to stand still under him. His wary observers gingerly took an arm on each side to steady him.

"We have to get the hell out of here before the cops, err make that 'the cop' shows up." warned Kip.

"Don't worry, we don't actually have to run or anything, brah" said the clerk, stuffing the tissue into his pocket; his nose apparently no longer bleeding. "He's as old and fat as that dog of Kip's. It will take a while for him to get his butt in gear and get here but I wouldn't wait too long 'cause he's probably as mean as that 'ilio too."

He heard the old woman say, "Oh, shut it Howard. Even, you'd be mean if you were treated the way that dog had been - though I don't know about Sargent Hakoda's problem. Maybe he was just born that way."

"I always thought maybe it was 'cause he probably wore his bibidees too tight."

"Come on Rain Man, maybe those marbles in your head have stopped rolling around enough for us to get to my place. It's not too far."

With both people supporting him, they walked/staggered up the muddy street and turned left onto the dirt road that ran up the hillside just outside of town. It was true, it wasn't too far but under the circumstances, it may as well have been a ten mile hike. After only a little way, he was wheezing as though he'd run a marathon.

By the time they arrived at a small house on top of a hill behind a bigger hill that hid it from view of town, he was completely winded. His head and chest ached unmercifully and the dizziness threatened to roil his stomach enough for it to give up his recently ingested pancakes.

With her ample backside, Kip pushed open the door and they staggered into the small living room and across it through the archway into the kitchen.

"Can't go any farther, sorry. Gotta rest for a minute." he gasped as the spots once again began to dance around in his vision.

"It's okay, boy, we'll just set you down right here for now." She took a chair and pushed it behind his knees and he sagged into it, leaning forward to place his head on the kitchen table that was halfway covered with a giant puzzle of puppies and kittens in a big wicker basket.

"Howard, you'd better get back to the store before those kolohes realize you're not there and rob you blind."

"I don't really think they're in any shape to rob anyone right now. You sure you're okay with this guy?" asked Howard, concern for Kip showing on his lined brown face.

"Yeah, don't worry. Ua Kane and I are old friends." she assured him.

He looked at her with doubt but reluctantly went toward the door. "Call me if there's any trouble Kip."

"I think 'trouble' already got its ass kicked today." she smiled back at him, not hiding the fondness in her expression. "Just go Howard . . . and remember to put some ice on your nose!"

"I'm sorry Kip. I didn't mean for you to get involved in this mess." she heard McGarrett's muffled voice from where he'd placed his head on arms folded on the table in front of him. "Is Howard okay? Am I the one who gave him the nosebleed? I'm sorry, it's just sometimes I'm confused about things."

"No worries, boy. Howard's tougher than he looks and, besides, those little assholes had it coming. I'm just glad I could help you give 'em what they deserved. They've caused enough trouble around here. You were doing a pretty good job though until Jimmy Waiwaiola joined in. You'd already wrecked his brother Timmy."

She went to the sink to get a large pot and fill it with warm water then to the bathroom to get some antiseptic, gauze and tape.

Returning to the table and her battered friend she said, "Here, let me look at your face."

She took his chin in her hand to raise his head and examined the bloody gash on his cheekbone and the forming bruise beneath it and the other one on his temple. Muttering oaths to herself, she gently cleaned it, trying to wash away the embedded dirt from the walkway he'd crashed onto. He didn't make a sound or even wince. His long lashes were fanned out on his pale cheeks and it made him look so much younger than he'd first appeared. _So, so familiar . . ._ she thought for the umpteenth time.

"Where else does it hurt?" she asked, knowing he probably had worse injuries than were apparent.

"I'm okay."

"I didn't ask you if you were okay boy. I asked you where else you're hurt." she said in a stern, no-nonsense voice.

"Are you always this pushy?" he smiled with his eyes still closed. "You remind me of someone I know."

"Bet your ass. I'm the scourge of man and beast around here. They all know I mean business. Just ask those idiot goats." she smiled.

"I bet you are." He smiled back, eyes till closed. "Uhh, do you mean real goats or is that another name for those lolo punks?"

"No distractions boy. I asked you what else hurts." she admonished. _Okay,_ she thought_, he's just trying to distract me or he has a case of ADD. There's gotta be more to his injuries._

"Sorry, uhh chest and ribs."

Those Waiwaiola boys were pretty strong and didn't hesitate to use that strength to push people around. That little group of assholes had been plaguing the town for over a year. They were the reason people had begun to lock their doors. People's belongings had begun to mysteriously disappear and she'd noticed the new shoes, clothing and electronics they all suddenly seemed to have.

She felt along his ribs and wasn't surprised when he flinched as she got about halfway down his left side but he still didn't make a sound.

"You got at least one busted rib." she announced. "Not much we can do for that but maybe use an Ace bandage to wrap them up. "That alright with you?"

"Yeah, fine. I'm really sorry to put you through . . . "

"Shut up." she ordered. "I don't want to hear that again."

"Okay." he said meekly.

"Good boy." she smiled, looking at his bruised face. He hadn't opened his eyes during the entire process. She figured he maybe had a concussion that made opening them result in dizziness. _He looks so familiar and he seems to know the language too well to be just a random haole, _she thought as she began uncapping the tube of antibacterial ointment she usually used on the rabbit. It was like there was a memory lurking in her brain just waiting to make itself known.

"I'm going to get the bandage for your ribs and some tea and aspirin and then you're going to lay down." she ordered. Tonight she'd have to watch him and wake him every few hours.

"Kip, really, you don't have to babysit me. I'm good."

"My ass!" she replied "Just shut up and accept that you've just been beat to shit and that you're not going anywhere. Remember, I still have that bat."

"Yes ma'am."

"Good boy."

….

He felt someone staring at him. He knew he was lying on a bed this time but not where that bed may be. He tried to move and it made his ribs hurt unmercifully but he didn't make a sound and wouldn't until he figured out where he was.

Turning his head, he opened his eyes and saw a green eye, just one, staring unblinkingly at him. It startled him into sitting up abruptly which he instantly regretted. The room spun and it felt as though a mule, a very large and angry one, had kicked him in the ribs.

"Shit!" he groaned as he tried to get his eyes to focus again, hoping the disturbance in his vision wouldn't set off any nausea. Puking right now would really, really hurt.

"You okay in there?" he heard Kip's voice from the open doorway. _Oh yeah, this was her house, her bed._

"Uhh, yeah, I think." He called back to her, his voice hoarse sounding and foreign to his ears.

"Don't let Jack bother you. He just likes to stare at stuff. You're just a new thing to stare at."

Jack, he assumed was the big ginger cat that sat on the pillow next to where his head had been. Its one eye examined him carefully, tail twitching in irritation at the abrupt movement of his current object of fascination.

"Does he bite?" asked McGarrett, not yet wanting to risk touching the big one-eyed tomcat.

"Not unless you bite him first. He's too lazy." said Kip from the kitchen, the sound of pots and pans adding background to her voice.

He sat still for another moment as the rocking ocean of his vision seemed to subside. Cautiously, he swung his legs to the floor and was surprised to find himself dressed in pajamas. He didn't remember getting undressed . . . oh crap.

The big cat's unblinking stare was creeping him out. He could feel it watching from behind him.

Jack raptly studied the man who tried to stand and lost his balance to plop gracelessly back onto the mattress. The animal's unblinking gaze only gave the SEAL more initiative to get out of bed and find out what had happened since he'd been so out of it.

The clock on the bedstand read four-thirty-five and he could see through the half open curtains of the small bedroom that the sun was at a low angle. That meant that he'd been asleep for at least five or six hours. He didn't remember dreaming. That was strange. Any time he'd fallen asleep for longer than a couple of hours, the nightmares would wake him.

The cat continued to stare.

Able to stand on his second try, he moved a little unsteadily into the kitchen. Kip looked up from a steaming pot on the stove and smiled a greeting. The steam from the bubbling pot had made her thick hair frizz up and mass on her head like a fluffy grey cloud. If it weren't for the color, she'd actually appear a lot younger. Her face was smooth and nearly unlined and her dark eyes were bright with what could best be described as mischief.

"So, Ua Kane, I guess that tea helped?" she smiled, "You've been asleep for about five hours. I woke you a couple of times to make sure you weren't in a coma or anything but you just mumbled something and went back to sleep."

"I don't remember that or even drinking any tea." he said unsurely, "What kind of tea was it?"

"A little of this and a little of that. All stuff you can find growing on the island. My mother used to give it to us kids to quiet us down when we got too rambunctious for her. I guess drugging your kids is illegal these days but it didn't seem to hurt us any. My brothers have actually stopped twitching and drooling now."

He blinked at her open mouthed for a moment before realizing she was pulling his leg. He smiled back at her shaking his head then regretting it when the room began to spin again and he grabbed for the back of one of the kitchen chairs.

"Sit down Rain Man before you kiss the floor. Scrawny as you are, you're still too big for me to drag you back to the bed. Don't make an old lady work that hard. It's not polite."

"Rebellion, huh?"

"Bet your ass."

Suddenly, from outside, came a chorus of barks and bleats and honks. It sounded as though Noah's ark had disembarked in the front yard.

"Shit." exclaimed Kip, "I bet that's the cop."

Steve looked alarmed and his eyes darted toward the back door. No way was he spending any more time locked up somewhere.

Kip turned her head toward the front door and when she turned back again to tell Steve not to worry, he was gone.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Reviews would make me do somersaults. (Well, anyway, I'd be thinking it in my head). ETA for next chapter is five to seven days.**


	22. Darkness in Daylight

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 22

**Here's the next. Steve is still lost but his team is getting closer. Some of Kip's history is revealed. Next chapter will explain more, perhaps even that mysterious connection between Steve and Kekipi.**

**Thank you for reading and for your continued support for this story. Your comments continue to influence its direction.**

**As usual, imaginary beta may have missed a few – she always does. Will have to fire her someday.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't make money from this. Still haven't packed my bags to get on that plane to Hawaii. Still haven't decided if husband is coming with. I may let him if he can just refrain from reminding me that I'm delusional. Hey, hallucinations can be pretty entertaining sometimes. Ninja cats know. Those imaginary mice are still out there to chase around in the middle of the night when I want to sleep.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Darkness in Daylight

His bare feet flew over the rough ground behind the house. No way is he going to be sent back to be locked up. He'd made a vow to himself he wasn't going to be held prisoner again, ever, not by anyone. They could beat him and drug him all they want but he wasn't going to be locked up.

Reaching a rise behind the house covered by a thick grove of trees, he had to stop to catch his breath. It sounded loud and harsh in the quiet. Birds had stopped chirping and calling as the stranger crashed through the thick foliage.

Taking cover behind the gnarled trunk of a big banyan tree, he watched and waited. He knew he may be crazy but he wasn't stupid. He wasn't going to get far with broken ribs and other things he didn't want to know or think about. He had no gear or anything to aid in his escape and he was wearing only the pajama bottoms in which he'd awoken.

The adrenaline fueled flight had taken a lot out of him. Maybe he would feel better after he rested a moment. Reacting to the mad dash up the hill and rapid depletion of energy, his muscles trembled as he slid to the soggy ground. That mule was once again battering his side as his ribs sent sharp spikes of pain with every too rapid beat of his heart. The mild ache in his chest was becoming more than mild as he strained to catch his breath. _Maybe if I just sit down for a while._

The sun had begun its descent toward the horizon as the first hints of peaches and pinks stained the sky. The rain clouds that had begun to recede still hovered around the edges of the blue ceiling and were starting to glow like Chinese lanterns as their vaporous puffs caught the light. He shivered.

…

Danny had just gotten off the phone with Doctor Esquivel. He'd told him they hadn't yet found Steve. He'd told him of the watch and what it meant to his partner and where they found it.

There was only a softly murmured oath on the other end of the call. _Esquivel is really worried_, thought the detective. _Well, he can join the club._

There'd been no hits from Kamekona's contacts and no news or sightings from the cousins broad network of relatives. In desperation, Danny had even contacted a SEAL friend of Steve's to see if he'd heard from him lately. Danny had met him while working on a case a while back and the friend had provided some needed information. He didn't tell him what was going on with Steve but from the SEAL's tone, he knew the man knew.

Danny also knew it would go no farther. Even more so than cops, SEALs took care of their brothers. Danny got the promise he would be contacted if Steve surfaced but only to reassure him that Steve was okay and being taken care of. If his brother-in-arms didn't want to be found, that would be the only information he'd pass along. Danny reluctantly agreed. It was better than nothing.

Denning was beginning to become suspicious. Danny had put him off several times, saying Steve had gone to spend some time with his sister in Los Angeles while he recuperated from his injuries. The guy was certainly sharp enough to know something wasn't kosher but he respected Steve, so for the moment, he'd let it go. Five-0 had 'made do' before without their fearless leader when he'd disappeared on one of his mysterious assignments. Things still got done, just a little slower and with fewer explosions but they missed his nearly indefatigable energy and his willingness to use 'think outside the box' solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems. They wanted him back. They _needed_ him back.

….

Sergeant Mario Hakoda hefted his considerable bulk out of the Jeep and immediately stepped into an ankle deep mud puddle. Swearing loudly as the gooey muck sucked at his shoe when he pulled it out of the puddle, he crossed the yard toward the front door of the cottage.

_Damn stupid animals _he thought as at least three dogs barked furiously while a small flock of geese hissed and honked at his advance into their soggy territory. The geese flapped indignantly as he shooed them away but at least one of the dogs wouldn't retreat. It was that old grizzled mongrel Kip had rescued before he'd almost shot it that day in town. He remembered the incident as though it had happened yesterday.

Deep down, he really hadn't wanted to kill the dog. Apparently it finally had enough of being chained in his owner's junk yard and beaten on a regular basis and had decided to do something about it. There'd been a frantic call from his owner who was trapped in his shack of an office that squatted in the middle of the fenced-in yard. The dog had somehow gotten loose and waited outside its door to, at the very least; take a chunk out of his abusive owner's ass.

Hakoda had just pulled his revolver out of its holster when Kekipi Maluhia came rushing up to stop him from putting an end to the dog's crusade for revenge. He knew the woman had been trying to get the owner to give up his possession of the poor dog for quite some time. She'd done it before and a large menagerie of rescued, broken and damaged animals already awaited her at home.

"No!" she yelled, "Don't shoot! I'll get him to stop!"

"Kip" he warned, "Get out of the way. That dog's lost it. There's no way to keep him from mauling Freddie without shooting him!"

"I can do it, just give me a minute."

Freddie Manuku looked about to wet his pants. His panicked face peered out of the grimy window by the door of the shack.

Without even gaining permission, Kip approached the enraged animal. Speaking softly she coaxed the growling dog to back off ever so slightly. It still growled menacingly toward the shack and at the woman slowly approaching him. A baloney sandwich was offered up by someone in the small crowd gathered outside the fence. Kip retreated slightly to catch it as it was thrown over the fence. She broke it into pieces and left a trail away from the object of the dog's ire. Still growling, the dog finally gave up his fight and gave into his hunger. Kip produced a rope and carefully looped it through the collar still fastened around the canine's scrawny neck and it allowed her to lead it away. A muffled cheer came from the small gathering as they widely parted to give woman and dog enough room to pass.

Freddie came out of his shack then and called to her, "You can keep him Kip. I don't want him anymore!"

"Freddie, you are a flaming asshole!" she yelled back as she led the dog down the street. Hakoda just shook his head and holstered his weapon. That was the most excitement he'd had in ages.

Shaking off the memory, he went back to the task at hand. He was here now to find out what had gone on in town earlier today. The parents of the Waiwaiola brothers had filed a complaint that their 'innocent' sons had been attacked in front of the hardware store by a stranger.

He'd already asked Howard about it and either the brothers hadn't told mommy and daddy the whole truth or the aggravated couple were trying to avoid letting him know their offspring had been bested by one skinny guy and an old lady with a bat.

He laughed to himself. As far as he was concerned, the Waiwaiola brothers and the group they hung with were a waste of oxygen.

He didn't know about the stranger but he knew Kip was a tough old thing. He'd had several run-ins with her over the year. She was fearless, both about expressing her opinions and pretty much everything else.

Reaching her door as the chorus of squawking, barking and honking continued to announce his presence, he pounded on it with a flat hand.

"Kip! Open up! We have to talk."

He heard some frantic rustling around before the door was abruptly yanked open.

"Hey, Mario. The bakery run out of donuts? Why you here?"

He ignored her remark and brushed past her into the house. There didn't seem to be anything amiss. There was no skinny haole in sight.

"I think you need to tell me what went on in front of Howard's store earlier today, Ms. Maluhia." he began.

"Oh, you mean when that pack of hyenas decided to beat up that lone haole?" she sweetly replied, (too sweetly).

"You know what I'm asking." he said sternly though he knew it didn't matter what tone of voice he used, it would make no difference to the fierce woman.

"Look, Mario. All I know is that Benji Pakele, Jimmy and Timmy Waiwaiola, Keanu the kid who looks like a rabbit and one other inbred idiot decided to beat up a friend of mine just for the hell of it."

"What did he do to provoke them?"

"Other than not being from around here, not a damned thing. He'd gone to get a screwdriver so he could fix my sewing machine for me. They jumped him on the way out of the store."

"What's his name?"

"Never found out." she said, looking back at him with eyes that dared him to dispute her.

"He's your friend, he ate breakfast with you and then he was going to repair your sewing machine and you don't know his name?"

"I just call him Ua Kane."

"Great" he replied. "I have to list the suspect as Rain Man in my report."

Taking off his cap, he plopped heavily into one of the kitchen chairs. "Got any coffee?" he asked.

…..

It was raining again. The sound of it splatting on the broad leaves above him would have been pleasant if the cause of the sound hadn't chilled him until his teeth chattered uncontrollably.

He'd seen the glow of headlights as some obviously 4-wheel drive vehicle made its way back toward town on the now mud-choked road.

It had been over two hours since he'd made his quick exit from the little wooden house. He didn't have a watch but he was good at judging the passage of time – at least when he managed to stay in the here and now. Otherwise, it could have been two hours or two days.

The vehicle's headlamps disappeared around the base of the hill and he saw the yellow glow of light as the back door of the cottage was opened. It was pitch dark behind the house but he spied a flashlight beam cutting into the blackness. Its bright bluish L.E.D. illumination made the raindrops look like glass rods slanting toward the ground.

Kip's voice echoed up the rise. "Hey! Rain Main! It's safe to come back now!"

A dog began barking from somewhere near her.

"Ua Kane! Come out! Come back to the house. It's safe now!"

He shivered again.

….

"So, we know he's got a little money." said Danny to Kono and Chin as they stood around the smart table and looked up at a map of the city displayed on the large screen fastened to the wall.

"Two-hundred isn't going to go very far, Danny. That's a couple nights at a fleabag like the Island Breeze and maybe lunch and a ferry ticket to Molokai or Maui." spoke Chin, his normally smooth brow furrowed as he looked across the table at his weary looking teammate.

"Brah" announced Kono in a voice reflecting her exhaustion as well, "We've already looked at hours and hours of tape and watched every friggin' tourist on the island get on and off those ferries. Steve never got on one of them. He has to still be on Oahu somewhere."

"Steve knows there are way too many people who may recognize him in Honolulu. Frankly, I'm surprised he even stuck around in town as long as he did." said Danny running his hands through his hair for what seemed the thousandth time since they'd been standing there trying to puzzle out where Steve had gone.

"Yeah, but nobody knows we're even looking for him except the people we've told." said Kono.

"We also told them to keep it close to the vest." added Chin.

"Well, I still think that if he stuck this close, maybe deep-down, he wanted us to find him." said Danny, hoping he didn't sound just wishful.

No one had an answer for that, they only looked sadly across the table at each other.

"Maybe we just missed him on the ferry surveillance tapes." posed Kono as she chewed her thumbnail. They'd recruited Kamekona, Max and even Charlie Fong to watch the tapes until eyes practically bled. They were people who wouldn't ask further questions when told there'd be no answers other than they were searching for Steve.

Actually, unbeknownst to them, Kamekona had a pretty good idea already as to what was going on with the tall man. It reminded the entrepreneur of when his cousin Lihau had dropped off the face of the earth when he'd come back from Iraq. A couple years later, his family was devastated to learn he'd been killed in a bar fight in L.A. when he'd pulled a knife on someone and police had to shoot him when he'd charged them with it. Judged a justifiable shooting, devastated parents had learned it was actually 'suicide by cop', the term used when someone did something to intentionally get themselves killed by peace officers.

Lihau had always been mild-mannered and temperate in nature. Iraq had changed him. Sadly, Kamekona knew very well what could be happening with the SEAL.

"Danny," began Kono, "What if he hired a private boat. You know, someone who could take him to one of the other islands?"

"Yeah, brah." piped up Chin, "He's got a lotta contacts on the island that we don't even know about. Maybe he connected with one of them."

Danny mulled it over, tiredly rubbing his chin before sighing, "It's truly possible that happened but with the way he was feeling, I don't think he'd even want to talk to anybody he knew from before."

Two sets of eyes looked at him questioningly.

"You know . . . before he came back this time . . . before whatever shit rained down on him that made him want to disappear." he said, voice trailing off and becoming nearly inaudible by the end of the sentence.

Seeing Danny's hesitation to provide anything further, Chin spoke up, "I think the private boat angle is the only thing we've got to work with. Maybe he gave a few dollars to a tour guide or fisherman to take him across the channel to one of the other islands. We'd better start making the rounds again Danny. See if somebody recognizes his picture."

"Cuz" said Kono, eyebrows quirked in earnestness, "Even I would have had a hard time recognizing Steve right now. He looked so bad last time we saw him."

Chin nodded in silent agreement. The last time they'd seen Steve was when they'd stopped by his place unannounced. Danny had opened the door to let them in. He'd been staying with Steve the past week; making sure his friend took his meds, got some rest and kept all of his doctor's appointments.

"Hey Danny! Thought we'd bring by some of your 'soul food' and some of Kono's aunt's haupia for Steve. He could probably use the calories, huh?" smiled Chin.

"_He_ sure can, not sure about me though." greeted Danny, his mouth already watering at the smell of polish sausage wafting from the bag imprinted with the name of his favorite deli.

Lowering his voice, Chin asked, "How's our friend?"

"Not so good." answered Danny truthfully, too tired to give effort to sugar-coat his answer. "He won't eat much and he spends most of his time either in the ocean or staring at it. He'll only go swimming at dawn or dusk. It's like he doesn't even want to be in the sun. That's_ really_ not like him."

He neglected to mention that his friend hadn't had much sleep either. He either woke with nightmares or woke with the need to throw up whatever meager meal he'd eaten. Unfortunately, because of the stomach issue the Prozacin couldn't be taken every night but, so far, it was the only medication that helped. On the nights he didn't take it Steve would experience nightmares that would wake him screaming until he was hoarse.

The cousins looked at each other before Kono asked hopefully, "Do you think he'll talk to us?"

"You can try." replied Danny. "He's not really talking to me much. I'm really worried about the big guy to be honest." That was as much as he felt comfortable telling them. In a moment, they'd see for themselves how their friend was doing.

They tramped through the house toward the lanai, stopping to get some glasses and a pitcher of iced tea on the way.

"Hey boss." greeted Kono as they stepped out onto the wooden deck where Steve sat wearing sunglasses and staring out toward the water. Slowly turning his head toward them, a small smile appeared on the thin face.

His hair was actually shaggy. It curled haphazardly over the collar of the long sleeved shirt he wore over his tee. The shirt was actually buttoned up. She'd never seen him wear one that way when he was at home. He was usually in board shorts and without a shirt or maybe a T-shirt at most. At the office he'd always left his shirts unbuttoned if he had a shirt beneath it. Due to the usual heat and humidity, even Danny had lost the habit of wearing an extra layer under his usual button-down dress shirts.

Steve was unshaven and when he tilted up his sunglasses to put them on top of his head, his eyes looked sunken. They also looked . . . empty.

Kono's smile faltered a little but quickly covering it, she said, "I brought you some of Auntie 'Olina's haupia. It's been a while since you've had some. I know you always liked it."

He smiled at her but she could tell it was only to be polite. There was nothing behind it. It was like looking at a cardboard cutout of Steve. There was no more animation or warmth to it than the wooden chair in which he sat.

"Howzit brah?" asked Chin as he took a seat next to Steve.

"Fine." was the one word answer.

….

Kip looked out into the darkness behind her house. She knew he was out there. She could feel him watching. It frightened her that this was so much like Joey had been; running like a feral animal anytime people showed up at her door. The disturbing reaction to visitors could go on for days, sometimes even weeks. Some nights she'd just leave a plate of food out. It would be gone in the morning but she wasn't sure if Joey had eaten it or maybe one of the animals had gotten to it. Eventually, she began putting the plate in the mailbox for him; calling out it was there before going back into the house.

Malu had been devastated that his boy wouldn't talk to him. They'd always been close. Joey loved his dad and would spend as much time with him as possible. It was all different when their only child had come back from Iraq. Everything seemed to go to hell then.

"Rain Man! There's some dinner for you in the mailbox if you want it." she called out to the darkness before pulling her flannel shirt tighter around herself and sighing. She clumped up the steps and taking one last look, pulled open the door and went into the house for the night.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Tell me what you think. Is the story going too slowly for you or do you like the slow, (maybe too slow), reveal of information? Would love to hear your opinions on that or anything else you'd like to say.**

**Next update within a week.**


	23. Dislocation

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 23

**Here's another one. This should answer at least one question. I hope you like it.**

**Thank you all so much for your continued support. I listen to what you have to say and try to incorporate some of your ideas into the tale. Would love to hear what you think about this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't make any income from this or know how to swim. In my dreams, I'm a wealthy best-selling author who swims like a fish and has a husband who doesn't mind that I occasionally wander off with some of my fantasy 'friends'. Oh . . . and ninja cats catch their own dinner and have a private beach as their litterbox.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Dislocation

As the two walked purposefully down the dock, the sun once again peeked from behind the bank of clouds. Danny knew it was going to be another of _those_ days that alternated rain and steam. God he hated this place. It couldn't even produce honest weather. It had to mix it up enough so that your body didn't know if it was coming or going.

They'd been to every friggin' boat marina on the island and spoken to anyone who owned and/or piloted anything from a yacht to a rowboat. No one had identified Steve. Danny had taken Catherine with him this time. She'd flown into Hickham last night and was already waiting for him first thing this morning when he'd arrived at the office. When he'd hugged her hello, her body felt tense as a bowstring.

The team had taken pains to regularly update her on the search for Steve. Danny had been the one to make the uncomfortable call to inform her that her friend had disappeared. He hadn't said why Steve had decided to go on a walkabout or even given her additional information as to why he'd been in the hospital in the first place. That was for Steve to tell her . . . or not. The woman was tough and smart and had been in the military for a while. Danny was pretty sure she had an idea as to what was going on with her 'not my boyfriend' but he wouldn't break his promise to his friend.

Chin and Kono hadn't even come into the office first. They'd gone straight to the nearest marina on the other side of the island and were working their way south.

Danny, glanced over at the beautiful brunette striding beside him and wondered again how she and Steve had never acknowledged their obvious commitment to each other. It was a puzzle. They were good together; sort of Mr. and Mrs. Rambo. If they ever decided to, they would undoubtedly produce incredibly attractive if possibly lethal children.

Danny knew for a fact Steve cared about her in more than the 'friends with benefits' way. The way he smiled when she was around, the way his body seemed to melt into hers during an embrace. Though PDA's were few and far between, one didn't have to be Kreskin to know there was a strong bond between the two. Certainly a stronger one than either would admit to.

The first couple of boats, small ones meant for day trips had no one aboard. The next one, a proper fishing boat, had a grizzled old guy on it who took a cursory look at the photo and shook his head. Danny made him look at it again. The man rolled his eyes and gave it another glance. "No, I've never seen that guy. Maybe you should ask Mike, he should be back in a couple of minutes. He owns The Alma Rose across the way. He's usually hard up for money what with the repairs on that leaky old tub. He'd take on just about any passenger for a few bucks. Don't tell him I told l you so. He's a cranky old bastard."

Danny thanked him as the old guy abruptly turned his back on them. _Mike's__ a cranky old bastard_, thought Danny, shaking his head.

They busied themselves with a few more stops along the pier. One of the crewmen of another small fishing boat thought maybe Steve looked familiar but couldn't remember where or what day he'd seen the tall man.

Hearing heavy footsteps and a clanking sound, Danny turned to see a grey bearded old guy wearing a stained t-shirt and an equally stained baseball cap board the Alma Rose. He nodded to Cath and they hurried toward him.

"Hey, you Mike?" he called out.

The bearded guy turned slowly and looked him up and down then did the same with Cath only slower and with much more appreciation.

"Might be. Why do you want to know?" he growled out setting down the heavy looking burlap sack with one final clank on the scarred deck beneath him.

"We're Five-0." Danny held up his shield for the old man to get a good look at it. He didn't seem to be someone who could be intimidated by much. Maybe the shield would lend some extra gravity to the situation.

The old man looked cursorily at the shield before saying, "And?"

"_And_ we'd like you to look at a photo for us. Tell us if you've seen this guy around here." said Danny evenly.

Cath pulled open the folder she carried and held the eight-by-ten photo up before the old man's face. In bright sunlight, it was easier to make out the hard copy than an image on the screen of a smartphone. They'd printed several copies of Danny's original snap along with a close-up of Steve's face to give to the other searchers.

The old man smiled at her, showing broken and yellowed teeth and took the photo from her hand. Turning his cap around on his head so that the bill shaded it, he brought it close to his face and studied the image carefully.

"What'd he do?" he asked abruptly, handing the picture back to Cath.

"He didn't do anything. We just need to find him." she answered with a smile, hoping to allay any worry the man may have about cooperating with cops.

"If he didn't do anything, why are you lookin' for him then?" countered the old man, his leathery, sunbaked forehead crinkling with a questioning frown.

Danny and Cath looked at each other before Cath answered for them. "He's my boyfriend and I need to find him because . . . because . . . I'm pregnant." she blurted out lowering her eyes in feigned embarrassment. Waving to the man who stood beside her she said, "This is Danny, he's my cousin. He's helping me. I've got to get the bastard to marry me . . . you know."

Danny had to hand it to her. The reluctant confession of being 'with child' almost had him believing it. The woman was an award winning actress; at least he hoped that was the case. The thought of another Ninja wanna-be running around the islands was enough to make his head spin.

"Darlin', I'm sorry for your, uh, situation but you could do a lot better than _that_ guy." said the old man.

Catherine's face started to tense up as though she wanted to smack the old bastard but she held it in and asked in a hurt voice. "Why do you say that? He's a nice guy."

"Well, he may be nice but that guy's on his way to an early grave or the funny farm if you ask me. Somethin's up with him. Why would anyone in their right mind want to cross the channel to Molokai in the middle of the night in this weather? The guy's got a screw loose. Fortunately for him though," he laughed, "So do I. Couldn't turn down that much money."

"So, you took him to Molokai?" asked Danny, almost vibrating with the news.

"Yup, coupla nights ago. Man, I've been out in rough seas before but this time even I thought I was gonna toss my cookies. That was a rough crossing."

"Where did you drop him off?" asked Catherine

"At Kaunakakai Marina. It's where the smaller fishing boats come in. Don't know where he went from there though."

"Thanks man." called Danny as they hurried away back up the pier.

The old guy called out to Cath as they walked away, "Good luck darlin'. If you don't find your boyfriend, I'm sure there's lotsa nice fellas out there who'd be happy to take on a gal like you . . . even with a bun in the oven. If you can't drag 'im home, come on back here."

"Yeah, I'll be sure and do that." said Cath softly to Danny as she rolled her eyes but deep down she knew she'd keep company with the devil himself if it would help her bring Steve back.

…

The sun was up again and he hadn't dared sleep. Coughing harshly, his chest burned with each wet, wheezy, spasm. Slowly getting to his feet and ignoring the ache of stiff muscles, he bent down to pick up the plate that had rested beside him. Tucking it under one arm, he began to carefully pick his barefoot way back down the hill toward the house.

Though he knew there was no one there but Kip and her animals, he wasn't taking any chances as he cautiously approached the little wooden structure. In the light of day, he'd come to realize that staying out all night in the rain wasn't the brightest idea he'd ever had but, at the time, it seemed the thing to do. Actually, he felt more than stupid that he'd let his fear override his common sense. Sadly, he knew a lot of stuff he'd done since he'd gotten back from the desert hadn't made much sense.

As he descended into the back yard of the house, a rather large dog stood between him and the back porch. The animal growled menacingly and he stopped in his tracks unsure of what to do.

"Nice dog." he said to it in what he hoped was a soothing voice. The dog continued to growl. It was some kind of shepherd mix with scars across its grey muzzle. "Good boy." he said to it, not daring to approach any farther. "Be a good dog and don't bite me okay. I'm afraid there's not much here for you to chew on and you don't look like you can run any farther than I can right now."

He continued to speak softly to it for a few minutes and finally, the dog seemed to lose interest in him and with a final snuff, turned and hobbled arthritically toward the side of the house.

Reaching the back door, he breathed a sigh of relief that quickly turned into another round of coughing as he wrapped his arms around his ribs and bent forward. He heard the door squeak open and then there were warm hands around his shoulders. He flinched even though he realized it was only Kip.

She said not a word as she pulled him inside and efficiently guided him to a kitchen chair then gently pushed him down onto it. His eyes were tightly closed in pain as his ribs and chest were still fiercely protesting that last round of spastic coughing. He felt a blanket draped around his shoulders and almost sighed with the warm comfort of it.

"Here" he heard her voice for the first time, "Drink this." A cup of coffee was pressed into his hands. He tried to bring it to his mouth but was shivering so badly he actually needed her help to steady the cup to keep from spilling it. After a couple of welcome swallows, it was okay for her to let go so that he could finish it on his own.

"I fixed up the store room for you. There's a decent bed in there." he detected a bit of sadness in her tone before she continued, "It used to be my son's room but I've been using it for storage since he's been gone. It should be comfortable enough if you don't mind sharing it with lots of incredibly gaudy bolts of cloth and big bags of animal food. I used to keep the food in the shed but the goats figured out how to get into it, the little bastards."

As he opened his eyes, he saw the nearly completed puzzle of the kittens and puppies on the table before him. He had a sinking feeling she'd stayed up most of the night working on it. "Kip, I'm sorry I ran off like that. I just . . . "

"Never mind, I know." she said matter-of-factly, "Let's just get you warm for now. When you've stopped shivering maybe you can eat something, huh?"

"Thank you anyway but I'm not really . . . "

She scolded, "You know, some people actually eat at tables and sleep in beds occasionally."

He tried to laugh but the coughing again took hold and seemed to go on forever before ending in a pathetic soggy wheeze.

Taking the nearly empty coffee cup away, she set another cup of something in front of him while ordering, "Drink this, it will help with the cough."

"What is it?" he asked mildly suspicious but intending to drink it anyway. Coughing while having broken ribs was torture.

"Just more herbal stuff from my mom's recipe's but I wouldn't recommend you be in any situation that requires a pee test for a while." she laughed

He only shrugged and downed the bitter tea. He wasn't planning on having to take any sort of test in the near or distant future. Those days were over.

After a few more minutes of silence, he could feel the tightness in his chest ease somewhat. Jack the tomcat jumped onto the chair next to him and commenced to stare again. He was kind of getting used to it. He reached out and stroked the soft, thick fur and the cat began to purr very loudly. It was actually kind of nice.

Next, Kip set a steaming bowl in front of him. Whatever it contained smelled really good.

"Baked oatmeal." she announced, "I don't make it often so you lucked out. Looks like you can use those extra calories. I even put some warm cream over it."

"I'm not very hungry Kip, really I'm . . . ."

Ignoring his protest she went on, "Just try it. It's got pineapple and other good things in it. Just a bit then I'll let you sleep, okay?"

Kip, of course, prevailed and he gingerly took a spoonful of the warm pudding like cereal. It tasted even better than it smelled. He could taste ginger and coconut in it. In spite of not being all that hungry, he ate nearly half of what she'd served him before apologetically pushing away his plate.

"There's some more pajamas there on the bed for you. They're probably too big but that'll just make 'em all the more comfy. Go to sleep Ua Kane. Don't worry, I'll keep watch and wake you if there's need."

He just looked at her gratefully for a moment, trying to find the words to say how much he appreciated her care. Care he knew he didn't deserve.

She just looked back unblinkingly before saying, "Shut up boy. Good night now."

…

Last night, she'd finally figured it out. She knew where she'd seen those long dark lashes and eyes the color of deep ocean. Pushing another piece of the puzzle into place, this one part of a puppy's paw, it suddenly came to her.

The eyes belonged to a ten-year-old boy. A sweet, but somewhat rambunctious boy who'd come to the island with his dad and a couple of others. That morning, for a few dollars, Malu had agreed to show them the way to the falls so they could have a picnic and explore a little. They seemed like nice people. It was unusual for tourists to come to this part of the island. Most of the haoles stayed at one of the two resorts on the other side of it. She'd later learned the two men and their children were actually residents of Oahu and their boys had been born here.

Joey hadn't wanted to go along but his dad had drafted him to go anyway. He and the boy named Stevie seemed to hit it off well enough. The tall ten-year-old and the short thirteen–year-old were nearly the same height. The other boy whose name she couldn't remember was a whiney sort but the other two put up with him good-naturedly. She waived them off as they trudged up over the ridge to the trail head.

The next time she saw them was a few hours later when she heard piteous crying as the man she remembered as George returned carrying his son piggyback as the kid wailed like a banshee; both knees skinned and bleeding.

A few minutes behind them were Malu, Joey and Stevie and his father. The boy was walking slowly and holding his arm carefully.

George and the screaming boy came into the kitchen as Kip automatically began to set out first aid supplies onto the table. She was sort of the defacto medic in the village. There was actually only one doctor on the island and he worked out of one of the resorts on the other side of it . . . plus, his services were expensive. Kip had learned what her mother had taught her about herbal medicine and just plain common sense practices. She never charged anyone for her services though she did accept donations of kibble or supplies for her menagerie.

"What happened?" she asked George as she began to wash off his son's abraded knees which only made the kid screech louder. His dad tried to shush his son before telling her that the boy had tumbled off the trail and had begun to slide down an embankment. He was about to go over the edge into a steep canyon when, before anyone could even react, Stevie had scrambled after him and grabbed on to keep him from sliding further.

They'd finally pulled the kids back up but Stevie had held on so tight that he'd dislocated his elbow and they hadn't realized it until everyone was back on the trail.

She looked up as Joey pushed open the door and the pale boy and his equally pale father walked in with Malu behind them.

"Come here boy and sit down." she ordered.

The dark-haired boy looked first at his dad who nodded his okay and then with quiet trepidation took a seat in front of her. "Let me see your arm, keiki" she said gently and the boy carefully extended his injured arm toward her as far as he could. With gentle fingers, she carefully examined it. The elbow joint was deformed and beginning to become heated and was obviously out of place. It was also obviously painful but the boy never made a sound.

"When did this happen?" she asked, looking up at the kid's father.

"Just about half an hour ago." he answered, worry creeping into his voice even though he tried to hide it from his son.

"Well, it's a new enough injury that it will be okay to pop the joint back into place. I'm pretty sure it's not broken, just dislocated. Others have come to me with dislocations a few times so I know what it looks like when that happens. I also know that it hurts like a son of a bitch and the longer it's out of joint the worse it's going to hurt to put it back in."

"Is there anything we can do or should we wait until we get back to Oahu?" asked the boy's dad whose name she now recalled was John.

"If you like, I can put it back into place but like I said, it's going to hurt to do it. The boy has to be sure he wants me to."

Kneeling in front of his son who looked back at him with huge pain-filled eyes but who still hadn't uttered a sound, he asked, "Stevie, you want the lady to fix your arm? You heard what she said, it's going to be a little painful to do that but it will feel better a lot sooner than if we wait until we get back home."

The dark blue eyes turned to look at her solemnly. She could see the kid's wheels turning then the look of resolve. Coming to a decision, he gravely nodded yes.

"Malu, heat up some of mama's tea for me, will you? We'll give some to Stevie to relax him a little. We'll give some to the other boy too." she said, trying not to grit her teeth as the brat's wails hadn't yet ceased in spite of his father's soothing.

"It will be easier if he lies down. Just put him on the bed in that room." John led his son to the bedroom toward which she'd gestured and after taking the kid's shoes off so as not to get the bedspread dirty, sat himself down on it and leaned the boy against him with his head cradled in his lap.

"Here, keiki, drink some of this. It doesn't taste all that great but it will make you feel better." The child obediently drank what she handed him, making a face at its bitter taste. After waiting another five minutes or so, she said, "Okay Stevie, we'll take care of your arm now."

It didn't take long, just a pull and a quick twist and a soft popping noise and it was done. The boy still hadn't made a sound other than a shuddery exhalation when it was over. She bandaged up his arm and made a sling for it and they let him sleep for an hour as the tea put him under.

The other boy was now quiet too except for an occasional sniff. While the boys rested and the men relaxed after the near tragic mishap on the trail, she made everyone lunch. After eating and thanking her profusely and giving Malu an extra-large tip, they gathered up their equipment and children and left on the afternoon ferry. That's the last she saw of them.

A couple days later, she received a phone call from the local feed store and was informed that someone had anonymously paid off what she owed him and had ordered several more sacks of animal food to be delivered the next day. To say she was pleasantly surprised was an understatement.

She sighed at the memory. Malu was still with her, Joey was still with her then too. Things had changed so but somehow, in some strange way, they remained the same.

She stood at the doorway of the storeroom and looked down at the long-lashed boy from so many years ago. He was still brave.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Next update within a week.**


	24. Only Half Wild

Shallow Grave – 24

**Okay, here's the next. Did my best but I'm not really happy with it.**

**Thank you all for your reviews, comments and favorites. I truly appreciate your taking the time to communicate them.**

**Disclaimer: I derive no income from this foolishness but it serves the purpose of helping to annoy husband and cats. Have to get my passive-aggressive revenge for their 'unreasonable' demand that I feed them regularly. Maybe someday they'll catch on.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Only Half Wild

Danny lost no time informing Chin and Kono that Steve had been tracked to Molokai. The cousins were almost happy to hear it because they had several contacts there. It would be hard for their wandering boss to hide among a much smaller and more cohesive population than the one on Oahu.

Now, they only needed to locate him. Simple . . . right?

Rendezvousing at H.Q., Chin pulled up the map of Molokai to display on the big screen. The marina where Steve had been dropped off was on the southern shore. The island wasn't that big but it had dense rainforest in which to get lost if one had the skills to do so and they knew Steve had those skills in spades.

_Dammit, Steven, you're not going to make this easy are you, _thought Danny, already discouraged by the daunting task of trying to track Steve through a tropical forest because that's surely what his troubled friend's intention was; to lose himself in it. In spite of his intense worry, the thought of tramping around in the mud and muck and humidity as they searched for his sorry ass was, well . . . annoying.

Chin could see Danny's already defeated expression and clapping him on the shoulder said, "Don't worry Danny, we'll find him. The island is only ten miles wide and less than forty long. How hard can it be?"

The blonde detective only looked back at him with a 'You've got to be kidding me' face as Chin smiled at him reassuringly.

It was too late to catch a flight today. They'd gear-up and be on the next one out to Molokai in the morning. They were standing around planning their search when Danny's phone buzzed. Reaching into his pocket to pull it out and glancing at the display, he saw the image of a stern, dark face staring back. _Shit_, it was Denning.

"Hello governor, what can we do for you?" no annoyance or trepidation was evident in the smoothly delivered greeting.

"About McGarrett . . . ", came the abrupt reply.

…..

He'd been asleep for several hours when the woman came to him this time. As she usually did, she extended her hand to offer him the apple and as a hundred times before, he'd just begun to reach toward it when the baby screamed.

Jerking upright, sweat running down his neck, the only sound he made was a small startled "No!"

It was nearly dark. Looking frantically around, his heart racing, the image slowly faded until all he could see in the gloom were the bolts of cloth strewn chaotically on the shelves across from the bed. The cat that had been napping next to him jumped down onto the floor to trot out the half-open door toward the kitchen, tail twitching in annoyance.

"Ua Kane?" came Kip's voice from the room beyond, "You okay in there?"

"Yeah", he managed to croak out, "Fine, I'm fine." He ran his hand over his sweaty face and sat up to swing his legs to the floor. The movement triggered ragged coughing and he once again wrapped his arms around his ribs to ride out the pain.

"That cough doesn't sound any better. I've got some more tea for you. I'll bring you some." called Kip from the other side of the partly open door. He heard the sound of a pan being placed back on the cast iron burner of her old stove.

"Thank you, but I'll come out to get it." he called out, "No need to bring it." He pushed his sweat dampened hair back from his forehead wishing he had a comb. "Besides, it's time to get out of bed, don't you think?"

"Why? You got an appointment somewhere?" she answered.

"Only with you Kip. I don't want you waiting on me."

"Yeah, you're such a burden and all." she snorted.

Actually, he felt just that; a burden. He had to find a way to repay her kindness somehow. Looking around for something to put on over his baggy pajamas, he gave up, realizing his modesty had very likely already been compromised when he'd woken up in pajamas on that first day he'd been here. Padding barefoot into the kitchen, he blinked at the bright yellowish light cast by the outdated incandescent fixture that hung over the table.

"You still look like roadkill boy." she said as she set a heavy stoneware cup of her tea in front of him.

He blinked back at her with a sleepy smile. "I do my best."

"You know, my 'magical powers'," she said using the term derisively, "can only take you so far. If you've got something more serious than a minor respiratory infection, you're gonna have to get your ass to a real doctor."

"No doctor!" he blurted out, nearly spilling his cup as memories of being locked up and drugged rushed into his head with the power of a tsunami.

A little surprised, she soothed, "It's okay boy, I won't force you to go if you don't want to."

"Uhh, sorry. Didn't mean to react so strongly." he blushed, feeling his face become even warmer than it felt when he'd awoken.

"I gather that you and doctors don't get along." she said - more a statement than a question, already knowing that prying would get her nowhere. The man was so like Joey had been before he left: overreacting to things that no one else would find threatening, tensing at the slightest sound and running off to hide like a half-wild animal whenever anyone came to visit. Maybe this time the result would be different. She'd do her best.

"I . . . I haven't had very good experiences lately with them, that's all." he stammered.

"Don't worry about it. Last time I had to go to the doctor, the sonofabitch had me spayed." she laughed.

He looked up at her with wide eyes before returning her smile with an unsure one of his own. Hesitating as he searched for something to say, he finally replied, "That couldn't have been very pleasant."

"Let's just say I'm not going to send a Christmas card to that quack. Turned out later it wasn't even necessary but it was too late by then. Glad I at least had the chance to have Joey."

Turning toward the sink to face away from him as she busied herself rinsing out some water glasses, she spoke over her shoulder. "Guess that's why the animals. Have to use that mothering instinct somewhere." The last sentence sounded so wistful and sad to Steve.

"I'm sure your son appreciated having you all to himself." he said, trying his best to come up with something to make the woman feel better. He was so bad at this stuff. People skills were definitely not his forte'. With a sudden pang, he realized how much he missed Danny who was so good at this kind of stuff.

"Yeah, I think he did when he was younger but after he came back from Iraq, he didn't hang around long. I'm sure he thought I was smothering him."

"Where did he go?" blurted Steve, forgetting his normal reserve about being too obviously nosy even though Danny regularly accused him of having no boundaries and having to know every minute detail of what was going on in his partner's life.

"Don't really know." she answered sadly as she began to set the table, "Haven't heard from him in at least five years or so. I keep thinking he'll show up any minute but so far . . ." her voice trailed off and Steve could see her dark eyes beginning to shine with tears.

_Shit!_ Now he'd made her cry. He didn't know what to say to undo what he'd done. _I'm such an ass_, he chastised himself, feeling helpless. He really needed Danny.

Suddenly from the front of the house came the sound of furious barking, honking and bleating.

"Doorbell." she announced as she placed a hand on his shoulder, "Stay." she ordered sternly.

Alarmed by the sudden commotion, he fought the urge to flee as his heart rate sped up to nearly hummingbird velocity. He quickly got up from the chair, nearly knocking it over in his haste, and rushed back into the storeroom. He closed the door not quite all the way; leaving a narrow crack from which to peer out. He felt about to hyperventilate with alarm, not wanting to bolt once more into the bush but his body trembling from the frantic need to do so.

…

Danny, once again, couldn't sleep. He was already packed and ready for the trip to Molokai tomorrow morning. After making his nightly call to Gracie, he got himself a beer from the fridge and plopped back onto the fold-out as he tried to distract himself with a ballgame on the sports network. Even though it was the Nets playing the Clippers, he just couldn't get into it. His thoughts continually drifted to his missing partner. _Is he okay? Is he eating? Is he able to sleep?_

After the game had ended, he couldn't even remember what the score had been. Besides, he was still pissed the Nets had abandoned New Jersey for Brooklyn. He shouldn't even have been trying to watch their game,_ traitors_.

Finally settling on another rerun of the cop show with the two sexy female detectives; even the image of women wearing high-heels and minis to chase down bad guys couldn't distract him from the nagging worry. He recalled the conversation that night in the hotel room when Steve had gotten in a dig about him, Danny, being pretty smart for a blonde. _God_,_ I really miss the big goof,_ he thought sadly and wondered for the thousandth time how this was all going to end for his best friend – his brother.

Was Steve destined to be another of the lost warriors forever tormented by things seen and done in the line of duty? While the man had always appeared non-reactive to things that horrified even his partner, a tough Jersey cop of many years, Steve wasn't a machine. Sure, Danny was wont to tell him from time to time that the man was 'emotionally stunted' and probably some kind of deadly robot invented by a secret government laboratory somewhere but the words now seemed so cruel. If Steve was here, right now, Danny would apologize with every breath he took in the man's presence.

Dragging out his laptop from its 'storage place' under the couch, he fired it up and began to read more on the treatment of PTSD. There had to be something he could do to help.

…

As it turned out, only Danny and Catherine would be able to make the trip to the smaller island. Chin and Kono had an assignment to handle for the governor. Denning's old business partner, (and a major campaign contributor), had been pistol whipped and robbed at gunpoint in the parking garage of his posh, high-rise, office building. This had happened four days ago and, as yet, there'd been no break in the case.

Denning felt HPD had been floundering in the investigation and in his words, 'Couldn't find their asses with both hands.'

No leads had as yet come to light and Denning was getting antsy. The man had asked when Steve was ready to come back to work. He knew the SEAL was the driving force behind his special task force's success and, even though they'd had their differences, felt the case could certainly benefit from someone as focused and 'energetic' as its commander.

Danny had told him that Steve was still in California recuperating; that the SEAL's injuries were more serious than first thought. Denning only answered with "Hmm". The diminutive detective knew that could mean several things from, 'I'm sorry to hear that' to 'Tell McGarrett to get his ass back to work'. Danny had mollified him somewhat by assuring him they would make the case their number one priority and would do everything in their power to bring it to a successful conclusion.

That was a close one.

….

The commuter plane's turbo-prop droned loudly in the cramped cabin as he glanced over at his traveling companion. Cath looked somewhat relaxed but he could tell worry was simmering just under the elegant surface. With the golden light coming through the window backlighting her profile, he was again impressed by her attractiveness. Steve surely must know how lucky he is to have such an intelligent and beautiful woman in his life.

She smiled at him across the narrow aisle of the ten passenger puddle-jumper when she spied him looking at her. She quirked her dark brows at him as she asked "What?"

He decided to be blunt. "Catherine, you can tell me to go to hell if you want to but how is it that you and Steve won't acknowledge that you're, you know, boyfriend and girlfriend?"

It took so long for the woman to form an answer that Danny thought by her silence, she'd done just that, told him to go to hell. Her dark eyes regarded him seriously for another moment before she began to speak.

"It's complicated." she started and the detective just nodded his head thinking he was going to get some sort of 'Steve' answer.

"No, Danny, I really mean that it's complicated." Taking another moment to gather her thoughts, she began, "Steve and I do love each other but our careers kept us apart for so long. Any time we did get to spend together was . . . well . . . special."

When the blonde sitting across the aisle only looked blankly back at her, she went on, "It's like Cinderella's ball."

"Excuse me?" interrupted Danny, not being able to help himself, "I can't picture either one of you wearing glass slippers." he smiled, "Well, maybe Steve if we got him drunk enough."

Only taking time to roll her eyes, she continued, "We know the time we have together is limited and the bell's going to toll at midnight or whatever and well . . . we'll have to part and go back to the real world. It's so intense and focused for such a short time, it's like having Christmas and your birthday all rolled into one. Calling it something as mundane as 'boyfriend/girlfriend' it . . . it kind of loses in the translation."

Though it was certainly more of an answer than he'd ever get out of Steve, to Danny, it still didn't make a whole lot of sense and his expression must have reflected that because she went on, "I think we're both unsure that if we declare it a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, it might make it a little too real . . . you know."

Danny only nodded as though it did make sense to him. _These people are nuts!_ was what he was actually thinking.

Summing it up for himself, he stated, "So what I think you may be saying is that you both have a fear of commitment?"

The woman actually looked kind of surprised, "No, I don't really. Steve is the only one for me nearly since we first met. I do think that maybe deep-down Steve is afraid that I'll eventually move on and he'll be alone again. I think that's what makes him so gun-shy."

Danny could feel a headache coming on. He was sure his eyes were glazing over.

Just then, the captain announced they'd be landing at Ho'olehua Airport in ten minutes. At this point, they both welcomed the interruption and began to check around themselves to make sure sunglasses, wallets, etcetera were in their proper places.

That was close.

…..

The visitor causing the commotion among the 'watchdogs' turned out to be Howard the hardware store owner. Kip gave him an affectionate peck on the cheek and he removed the battered rain hat covering his nearly bald head.

"So, Kip, what's for dinner?" he asked as he took off his jacket and shook the water off of it onto the porch before moving into the room and closing the door behind him.

"Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Thought you'd like some comfort food since the weather's been so miserable." she answered.

"How's your guest feeling? He didn't look all that great last time I saw him. Those little punks pounded on him pretty good."

"He's doing better though not as good as he could be. He's got a couple broken ribs and maybe some bronchial issues. He's been coughing his head off but I've been giving him some of my mother's special tea. Seems to help some."

"Yeah, I remember drinking some of that stuff that time I broke my wrist and you splinted it. I think I hallucinated giant bunny rabbits the rest of the night. That was some pretty strong tea." he chuckled.

"Told you not to drink so much of it." she laughed.

Listening from the other room, Steve realized her laughter had a different sound to it this time; kind of like the way he remembered girls used to laugh at his stupid jokes in high school. _ So_, he mused to himself, _Kip has a boyfriend_.

"Ua Kane" she called from the living room. "Howard's come for dinner with us. If you want to get cleaned up before we eat, your clothes are in the bathroom on the rack with a towel. Take your time. Dinner won't be ready for almost another hour yet. Oh yeah, and make sure you drink some tea. It's on the stove."

"Yes ma'am." he called back, adding, "Hey Howard, see you in a bit." As he made his way across the kitchen to the stove, he mused, _What the hell is in that stuff?_

Though Steve felt uncomfortable feeling he was a third wheel and might serve to cramp Howard's 'style', dinner was actually pleasant. They talked about the mêlée in front of the store and he'd learned Hakoda had declared it a 'non-crime' and felt no further investigation was necessary.

The SEAL was thankful the incident would be pretty much forgotten by the authorities or 'authority'. If he was trying to stay under the radar, it wouldn't help to be thrown in jail for assault.

This was a sort of Mayberry jurisdiction with the lone local cop making those sorts of decisions without anyone's lawyers getting involved. _Could be good, could be bad, depending on the cop_, thought McGarrett. He also learned that while Sargent Mario Hakoda was a hard-ass, he was also thought of as fair in his treatment of those in his jurisdiction of many years.

As the evening wore on, the three noted the rain had stopped. "According to the television weather reports, it should be clear for the next few days." said Howard.

Steve was actually able to relax a bit. There was no pressure to be anything other than himself. He didn't have to be anyone's boss, commander, protector. No one had any expectations for him and he had none for himself. It felt so strange to be so unfettered. Since he'd been away from home, even the nightmares seemed to come less frequently and when they did, he was more successful in waking before he had to be peeled off the walls.

"Rain Man?" he heard as he was startled back into the present by Kip's voice.

"Uhh, sorry. Musta spaced out there for a moment." he apologized as Howard looked at him quizzically.

"So, uhh, Rain Man," began Howard a little awkwardly thinking, _What the hell kind of name is that?_ Oh, well, he had a cousin who'd been born in the late sixties whose name was 'Starchild Rainbow'. He guessed if Kip was okay with it so was he, "What kind of work do you do?"

Steve was actually startled by the question. He had no idea what to answer: sniper? trained killer?

"I . . . fix sewing machines and uhh . . . roofs!." He smiled at Kip as he looked at the nearly full galvanized tub in the corner by the stove. The trickle of rainwater had actually provided a sort of background music to their conversation.

"You aren't getting up on my roof until you feel better. Don't even think about it." said Kip without even looking up from her plate. "I've got enough craziness around here without adding more."

Steve smiled as the water continued to soothingly trickle into the tub and the warmth of the kitchen and the company fooled him into once more thinking he was undamaged.

…..

The smooth surface of the moonless night was fractured by a tiny flash of white. Just a tiny thing in the immense blackness. Something small about the size of a bandage across a broken nose.

"Fucking haoles gonna pay for what he did", said a voice in the darkness as another whispered back, "You got dat right, braddah".

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**I know nothing momentous happened in this chapter but things will pick up from here and move a little faster I hope. **

**Next update within a week**

**Reviews would be nice.**


	25. Something in the Air

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 25

**Okay, here's the latest. Took awhile to get it together so my imaginary beta didn't have time to proof it very thoroughly. If you see something that's going to make you lose sleep, let me know and I'll kick her ass. There seemed to be some confusion as to who was on which island. I hope I've made it a little easier.**

**You continue to amaze me with your response to this story. I sincerely thank you and to quote a line from a Bette Davis movie, 'I'd love to kiss ya but I just washed my hair'.**

**Disclaimer: No money. No trips to Hawaii. No handsome tattooed men. Sometimes it's just hard to go on isn't it?**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Something in the Air

Molokai:

The small plane taxied to the gate and came to a stop. It wasn't long before they heard the whir and clunk of the stairway locking into place. Exiting onto the steaming tarmac, Danny surveyed his surroundings as they walked toward the actual terminal. Fluffy clouds sailed the cerulean sky like ghostly and majestic white ships. The breeze blew soft humid breath over his sweaty skin as birds fluttered by on their little birdy missions.

_Jeeze_, he already hated this place.

"Come on Danny. Let's get to the jeep rental counter." said Cath impatiently as she picked up her carry-on.

"Have to wait for them to unload the luggage" he said. "Why don't you go ahead to get the process started."

Both of them had packed only carry-ons but Danny had checked a duffle bag of equipment they might need. _Steve would be proud_, he thought as he waited for the cart of luggage and boxes from the small cargo hold to be wheeled into the terminal. The duffle contained all the essentials for traipsing around in the jungle. He'd based his selection of gear on SuperSEAL's choice of equipment when they'd last gone hiking.

Of course, the hike didn't work out that well. The tall man had finally tired of Danny's constant bitching about heat, humidity, bugs etc. and told him not to worry about it. They would be home soon and he wouldn't have to worry about going hiking ever again – at least not with him.

Though verbal battles were one of the basic elements of their friendship with both sides getting in their shots, they were usually forgotten over beers at the end of the day. _He missed it so much._

After listening to the polite lecture from the auto rental guy about unpaved roads and respecting the island's ecological balance, he handed them the key and they threw their gear into the small 4-wheel drive and made their way out the gate onto the two-lane highway that lead to Kalaupapa National Park.

As they neared their destination, Cath looked around at the thickening vegetation and her heart began to sink. She was very much aware of Steve's skills in the wild. If he was in there somewhere and he didn't want to be found, then he wouldn't be. They'd go back to Oahu empty handed.

Nearing their destination, they climbed toward the mist covered heights as the Jeep's small engine began to lug slightly on the steep incline. Both people in the straining vehicle wore nearly identical expressions; grim, purposeful, determined, but neither man nor woman's wore hope.

….

Lanai:

He'd easily climbed onto the shingled roof as Kip, Howard, three dogs, four sheep, six geese, three goats and a cow all looked upward to watch him do it. Apparently the chickens didn't have the attention span to care and he knew the rabbit was still in time-out for escaping and nearly getting eaten by wild boar.

"Found it!" he called down to Howard, "Send up some shingles, the hammer, nails and the sticky stuff."

He walked to the edge of the roof to catch the end of the rope Howard threw toward him and leaned down to pull up the bucket with the roofing supplies. He tried not to show the twinge of pain his ribs gave him as he bent and began to tug the supplies upward.

Kip had been watching him like a hawk. He knew if she suspected he was in pain, she'd shut-down the project. It was almost like being around Danny in full-tilt mother hen mode. Once again, a strong twinge of sadness and guilt made its way into his consciousness. He'd been debating with himself as to whether he should send some sort of message to his ohana that he was still alive. For the moment, perhaps he'd stay that way. The thoughts of ending the pain had lessened somewhat since he'd been here but there were still some very dark moments. The nightmares still relentlessly plagued him but, for now, he'd stay.

The message would have to be sent in a way that wasn't easily traced because he was certain they were looking for him. He hadn't run that far and he was actually sort of surprised they hadn't found him yet. If they did, he had no idea what he could say to them to make up for what he'd done. Nevertheless, he knew his team was more than good at what they did. They also knew his habits and would be hot on his trail.

He was also good at what he did - excellent in fact – at least at disappearing. His training had given him the skills to do so but he wasn't at the top of his game. Maybe he wouldn't ever be again. His thoughts still felt scrambled and chaotic and at times the flashbacks would appear without warning. So far, he'd hidden them from Kip but he knew it was only a matter of time before he had one he couldn't hide. He felt guilty for even accepting Kip's offer of help but he knew he had nowhere else to go. He couldn't go back to Oahu. He was too screwed-up to wander around loose in a populated place. Kip had even seen him wake from his nightmares a few times and it didn't seem to faze her.

Even when he'd fixed Kip's sewing machine, he'd sneaked into town in the middle of the night to do so. He had to laugh to himself – all that training had certainly paid off. It had certainly made him capable of sneaking into an unsecured target to fix a sewing machine. Life could certainly be strange if nothing else. He smiled as he fastened the last of the new shingles onto the sub-roofing.

With her hand shielding her eyes from the sun's bright glare, Kip looked upward with worry. After only a week she didn't consider him in good enough shape to be engaged in roof repair but he'd easily clambered up the rickety ladder.

Shirtless in the sun, his skin was tanning quickly. The scar that trailed down his side and ended somewhere below his military style belt was still obvious. It still looked red and painful. She would have to make up a batch of emollient that was supposed to help with such things. It had done wonders for the rabbit. Howard, who'd been the one to put Ua Kane in pajamas on that first night, told her the weal went down past his hipbone and looked fairly new. He assumed it was from a knife fight and was fairly freaked-out Kip was willing to take on someone who could be involved in such things.

She tried to allay his concern, saying she had a 'feeling' about this new friend. She told Howard the man only looked lost – not dangerous; that Ua Kane reminded her of one of her dogs – the one who'd been so badly mistreated.

Howard quickly reminded her that the dog was an unstable shithead and could easily snap and do someone damage – even Kip herself.

She dismissively waved away his concern. She still hadn't admitted to him that the man actually reminded her of Joey.

Deep down, she knew Joey had been very much like the old dog; quick tempered and even dangerous at times. Sadly, her son's demons had won and driven him from his home. She'd failed to keep him safe and bring him back from the edge. Perhaps this time she would be more successful.

She was brought back from her musings when she heard, "Okay that should do it. I guess we'll find out during the next rain if it was good enough." It was starting to cloud up again. Apparently, they'd get their test of the roof-repair sooner rather than later.

"Okay get down from there now! If you fall off and break something else, I'm not gonna carry your ass back inside!" called Kip.

"You really do remind me of someone." smiled Steve as he tossed the hammer, nails and container of gooey mastic into the bucket and lowered it back down to Howard. He paused briefly when he thought he saw a flash in the distance. He froze and looked closer but didn't see anything more. It could have been his imagination or maybe it was just the paranoia again. He hoped it didn't portend another flashback. Hurriedly, he clambered back down the ladder to the ground.

He looked around at the animals that still continued to stare at him. Now he had more than just One-Eyed-Jack to contend with. It was still creepy.

As for his rapt audience, now that the novelty of seeing someone on the roof was gone, the onlookers slowly dispersed to nibble on grass or take naps in the last remaining sunshine before it disappeared behind the darkening billows beginning to obscure the peaceful sky.

…

Molokai:

In the gravel parking area at Kalaupapa, Danny wiped the sweat from his brow and kicked the tire of the jeep in frustration. Once again it was a dead-end. They'd haunted the trail heads and spoken to what seemed every tourist and every park ranger on the island and shown Steve's picture to them all. No one remembered seeing the tall man.

Cath had to get back to work in two days and Denning was practically frothing at the mouth. Chin and Kono had failed to come up with any promising leads to the identity of the Governor's ex-partner's assailant. It seemed as though things on both islands had come to an utter and complete standstill.

They'd finally given up on the idea of trying to find Steve in the beautiful but incredibly inaccessible tropical forests. They'd need the Army, Navy, Air Force and maybe a mounted posse or two to do a proper search. There were actually no roads into Kalaupapa except those that could be traveled by mule. Danny was willing to do it but Cath pointed out that Steve would surely be nowhere near any trail that was frequented by tourists, even if they were muleback. Danny agreed. He felt Steve was trying to stay as far away from human beings as possible.

The detective was truly at wit's end as to how to find his troubled friend. For all he knew, Steve could even be dead by now. Danny had seen the desperation in his friend's eyes. Further conversation with Esquivel had confirmed for him that the something 'stupid' they'd both been unwilling to name was suicide. It wasn't that uncommon for people to resort to that final desperate measure to escape whatever tormented them.

Danny reckoned it must truly be the worst kind of hell to worry that you could unintentionally harm those you loved. He knew that if he himself thought he could ever harm Gracie, he'd sign over custody to Rachel without a second thought and never see his fiercely beloved daughter again if that's what it took to keep her safe.

_Oh god, _thought Danny. _Now_ he understood why Steve had run. _Now_ he understood why the man couldn't bear to be around anyone right now. _Now_ he understood the fear. His eyes teared in anguish for his lost friend and he could barely make out Cath in the distance as she approached another tourist with Steve's picture in hand.

…..

Lanai:

Over the next couple of weeks things had gone fairly well. Her friend seemed to be feeling better though the racking cough still stubbornly refused to go away. He'd even managed to gain a few pounds. Keeping busy, mostly outdoors, with various repairs around her place, he was now nearly as tanned as some of the native population. He knew she couldn't pay him and told her he'd work for room and board until he'd run out of things to repair. Between some of Malu's clothing she couldn't part with and some of Joey's she'd saved in hope for his return, they'd even come up with a meager wardrobe for her handyman.

From the kitchen window, Kip watched him work on fixing the goat pen. They'd managed to escape again; this time pillaging her crop of green beans. _Probably as desert after the porch swing's seat cushions_, she mused in irritation. Smiling she watched him try to make friends with the most determined of the black goats to keep it from chewing up his tool bag, the leather one that had belonged to Malu. It actually had a few teeth marks on it from previous encounters with similar animals.

Physically, there'd been progress but he still woke screaming in the middle of the night when nightmares terrifyingly unhinged him. The first time it happened had scared the crap out of her. She'd jumped out of bed to rush to the storeroom. He didn't answer when she called out to him. From unfortunate experience she knew what it was and quietly and slowly open the door to make sure it was safe to come into the room. She found him trembling as he stared into the darkness at things only he could see. Yes, she knew about the terrors sleep could visit on returned warriors.

She knew not to touch him to wake him. Malu had learned that lesson the hard way when his son had violently lashed out and broken his father's nose that one time. Joey had left the next day. Besides breaking his father's nose, his leaving had broken his father's heart as well.

She had the feeling Ua Kane was somehow even more worrying. Beneath his usual calm surface was a fierce intensity. She knew it was something great warriors had. It was part of what made them warriors in the first place but, without a strong sense of right and wrong, it could make them dangerous to more than just the enemy.

Malu himself had this intensity. She'd first met him when he'd returned from Viet Nam with many scars and blind in one eye but, thankfully, he'd made it home. Many of those who'd left the islands to fight that faith-destroying war had never returned. She'd never told him but she was almost glad he'd been injured early on in his tour of duty - before he could be even more damaged by his time there.

Her husband was a restless soul but a good one. He watched over her and protected her. He loved her and she him. She missed him every day but life went on. Sometimes it was good, sometimes bad but it was always interesting.

She and Ua Kane didn't talk about what had happened to make him wander from his home. On the nights of the terrors when sleep was only a word rather than a reality, she'd sit with him and drink tea and they'd work together on the puzzle of a ship on a moonlit sea.

….

They'd spotted their target up on the roof of the little house. Hmm, if the guy was in good enough shape to climb up a ladder, he was in good enough shape to defend himself even better than he had that first time.

Benji Pakele nervously tapped the binoculars he held. They were expensive ones. They'd been stolen from one of the more well-to-do residents on this side of the island.

"We got to get rid of that haole. That old bitch with the bat wuz what saved his mangy ass last time."

"Even without her if Apela hadn't been there to hold onto him he woulda kicked our asses brah." said Keanu Nahulu, (aka Rabbit, his unfortunate nickname).

"Well, Apela ain't gonna be out of the hospital for another week. That asshole really did a number on him. He's too trashed be in on any action a long time brah."

"We still got Jimmy an' Timmy."

"Uh uh we don't. The whiny asses' mommy and daddy told them to knock off the shit or they're gonna turn 'em over to Hakoda. They ain't going nowhere. Those two jerkoffs still afraid of that old man even though they could clean his clock easy."

"At least they got parents who give a shit." said Keanu almost wistfully.

"Shut-up Rabbit." snarled Benji. "Hand me the rifle."

…

"Howard, help me get the goats into the shed, the sheep will follow them in there."

"Just leave 'em out Kip, they're smart enough to get out of the rain."

She only stood with hands on hips and lips compressed into a line as she stared back at him. "You've got to be kidding." she said.

"Okay, okay, I'll help round 'em up."

"I'll help too." said Steve as he neatly coiled the rope and fastened the end so it wouldn't unravel. He'd already made sure the top to the container of the mastic was secure and was preparing to put everything back where it belonged.

"Look, Rain Man, I agreed to let you get up onto my roof but don't think I'm gonna have you running around chasing livestock."

"Come-on Kip." laughed Steve, "I think the goats are beginning to like me."

Again, she gave her 'You've got to be kidding' look. "Those goats don't like anything other than whatever they can eat. If Koa decides to get all macho about his little harem and butts you, you could get those ribs busted all over again."

"You don't care if Koa butts me?" squawked Howard in a mock hurt tone.

"Howard my love, I think you've got enough padding on your ass that it won't hurt that much." teased Kip, "but it would sure wreck Ua Kane, no extra padding on that skinny body."

Both Howard and Steve had been too gentlemanly to point out Kip's ample derriere which could indeed put a stop to the billy goat's possible tactics. Before Howard could form a defensive but tactful reply, she added "'course, if he butts me it would be like running into a Buick and he's gonna be very sorry he did."

Steve only looked back wide-eyed, his mouth beginning to twitch as Howard tried not to explode in laughter next to him. Kip looked at them both with merry challenge in her eyes daring them to say anything about her zaftig figure.

…

They only had to wait for him to come out to feed the animals. There were so many of the disgusting creatures that the old woman had drafted her newest adopted stray to help her feed the ones that hung out farthest from the house.

Right now, as it grew darker, they could see him carrying hay to the old cow that had long ago stopped giving milk. Years ago when Benji was still in grade school his old man had tried to get its former owner to sell him the decrepit animal for meat. His father had been greatly annoyed when Kekipi Maluhia had beaten him to it and had snatched it from right under his nose with a higher bid. Lyle Kapele had even gone so far as to threaten the woman into giving up the cow. That was a huge mistake. Malu, her husband, had come after him and the fight that ensued left his old man pounded into the dirt. Blind in one eye or not, Malu was a tough bastard.

Now was his chance to get back at that crazy bitch. He was going to relish putting an end to her latest rescued animal.

….

Steve could feel something was wrong. It was the same feeling he'd had when his team had entered that narrow canyon. The wind had picked up and the air felt somehow uneasy as it ruffled the straggly grass of the sloping pasture. It seemed to whisper of menace.

He looked around apprehensively as he spread the hay out into the trough. He didn't see or hear anything unusual. The cow munched noisily on its fodder as he absently scratched the top of her head. Something wasn't right.

The old dog had followed him out to the pasture but stayed its distance. Other than no longer growling at him, it wasn't any friendlier than it had been.

The branches of the small lone tree in the middle of the pasture swayed in the humid breeze. As the air floated over his skin, he could feel the hair on his arms begin to stand up. Once again, he turned in a circle to survey his surroundings but saw nothing. The dog began to growl at something as the wind shifted and carried from the stand of trees that stood on the rise above them.

Steve's heart began to speed up. He was sure it wasn't just the beginning of a flashback this time. He'd just decided to make a run for cover when the flat crack of a rifle rolled across the open pasture.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Is that evil enough for you? I think I can spot whump on the horizon.**

**Next chapter within a week or so. Sorry that this one was a little late this time.**

**Reviews would be most welcome.**


	26. No Giving Up

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 26

**Here's the latest. Sorry that I missed the ETA again. Was kept busy putting up Christmas lights because my family would have me believe I'm the only one who knows how, (yeah, right, and ninja cats will do it next year as soon as they grow opposable thumbs).**

**Thank you so very much for your continued readerships and willingness to review. I look forward to hearing your opinions and have tried to incorporate your wonderful ideas into the story when possible. As usual, mistakes belong to my imaginary beta. Let me know if she screwed up.**

**Disclaimer: If I made any money from this, do you think I'd be freezing my butt off at the top of a wobbly ladder while tangled in half-working strings of Christmas lights?**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

No Giving Up

Lanai:

Kip and Howard sat companionably in the kitchen, entertaining each other with stories of wild youth as they shelled peas and peeled potatoes for tonight's dinner.

Howard had just started to recount the time he'd joined a group of college friends who'd decided it was a good idea to strip-off in the middle of a Kansas winter and streak someone's mother's bridge club.

At that moment, the sharp, echoing reports of a rifle came from somewhere beyond the back of the house. It startled Kip into dropping the colander of peas resting in her lap as she let loose an oath and shot up from her chair. The container landed with a tinny clatter and the small green spheres caromed around the kitchen; bouncing and rolling across the faded linoleum.

Howard was already out the back door. He'd immediately recognized the sound of rifle fire and knew that 'No Hunting' signs were posted all over Kip's property. Looking outward from the back porch, he spied a figure running swiftly toward the hill beyond the back pasture.

"Kip! Stay inside!" he yelled to his companion.

"My ass!" she replied as he heard the screen door slam behind him and Kip appeared at his elbow.

Two sets of eyes searched the distance. There was no further fire but Kip's handyman was nowhere to be found. "Where's Ua Kane!?" cried the worried woman.

"I saw someone running up the rise toward the trees." replied Howard, "But I couldn't tell who it was."

Looking more closely at the empty looking pasture, he saw the cow lying on her side near the feed trough. "Looks like maybe the cow's down." he said trying to grab Kip's arm to keep her from leaving the small wooden porch. "Dammit Kip! Don't go out there. We don't know who's shooting or if they're done!"

"Marilyn!" she cried darting off the porch and across the back yard toward the pasture and the downed animal. "Call Hakoda and tell him to get out here!" she called back toward Howard who'd started after her. Her dread increased as she came closer to the motionless mound lying on the damp earth.

Howard, realizing it was futile to try to stop the force that was Kekipi Maluhia, let loose some choice epithets before dashing back to the house to retrieve the cell phone he'd left on the kitchen table.

Kip could see that Marilyn had breathed her last. Heart hammering in her ears, she frantically skimmed the large pasture for another body, there was no sign of her friend; only the old dog who sat staring back at her before hobbling away toward the house. She exhaled shakily. _Where is he?_

Eyes still searching the line of trees above the pasture, she knelt beside the ancient black and white Holstein to tenderly stroke the coarse coat. The cow's glossy neck was still warm under her hand. Her death had been quick. There wasn't even much blood from the neat hole above her eye.

"Malama pono Akua" she whispered to the still form as she sighed despairingly and rose to her feet. Looking downward and blinking tear blurred eyes she noticed a few small crimson droplets staining one of the large white patches on Marilyn's flank. Bending to look closer, she saw no evidence of another bullet wound to account for the blood.

"Shit." muttered Kip that feeling of dread making her stomach tighten once more. There was only one logical source and he was nowhere to be found.

In panic, she looked toward the tree line, trying to spot the tall man among the trunks of the banyans. There was no sign of him. _Did he run for cover? Was he chasing the shooter?_ _Where is he? _ The thoughts ricocheted around her head like the peas that scattered over her kitchen floor.

There was nothing to see other than the movement of branches in the wind. She had a very, very, bad feeling. The death of the cow was upsetting to be sure but the worry that now filled her was so strong it seemed to constrict her breathing.

"Rain Man!" she shouted toward the deepening shadows of the trees. "Ua Kane!"

She waited in vain to see his spare figure emerge from cover.

"Rain Man! Where are you! Come out!"

The only sound to answer her calls was of wind rushing through trees and flowing over the contours of the land to ruffle the grass.

She stood for a long while surveying the landscape, hoping to see a familiar figure. Eventually, she sat next to Marilyn's body and stayed there until it was too dark to see as she waited for her friend to return. When he realized she wasn't ready to abandon her vigil, Howard brought her a jacket and an umbrella to protect her from the fine drizzle that had begun to fall. Only when she heard the sound of Hakoda's jeep labor up the rise to her house did she acquiesce to come back to the house.

Rising stiffly from her place on the damp grass as Howard tried to assist her, she waived him off and requested he go greet the law enforcement officer. Again reluctantly, he did her bidding and left her standing in the pasture. She could see the mercury vapor element of the porch light stutter then glow as he entered the cottage. After another minute or so, she turned toward the darkness and murmured in a soft voice, "Malama pono Stevie." and walked slowly back to the light.

….

Oahu:

They'd returned from Molokai on the last flight out for the day. Cath had to get back to her ship. She tried to get emergency leave so that she could stay and search but her C.O. didn't recognize the importance of a relationship that hadn't been legally formalized. Even if she'd called Steve her fiancé he probably wouldn't have given it to her.

Danny could tell she was nearly in tears with frustration as he drove her to Hickham to catch a transport that would take her to San Diego where her ship was currently docked. He felt like crying himself. They'd gotten no closer to finding Steve. The detective's compact body ached with exhaustion and his eyes burned with fatigue as he steered the Camaro toward the airfield.

There was no time for conversation as he hugged her goodbye, whispering in her ear, "I'll find him and bring him home. I won't give up."

She said nothing but gave him a sad teary smile as she squared her shoulders and walked toward the big C-130 that sat on the runway.

…..

A scary place:

_It was full dark now. The night creatures called to each other in the gloom. He'd lost another man. Cantu had been taken out as he stood to squint into the sun toward the group of supposed civilians gathered on the rocky ridge in front of them. He'd bled out in only a few minutes despite the desperate measures of what was left of his team. In the background, Steve could hear the crying of children and the murmurs of adults as they tried to quiet them._

_It seemed as though they'd been chasing their own tails for nearly a week now. The enemy was like smoke that dispersed into the rock-strewn, terrain of the high desert. It had been rough going. They were no longer on the harsh sandy bottomland but had started to climb upward toward the pass. This small group had been captured then released by the band they'd been pursuing. Whether captives were killed or set free seemed to be a decision made on whimsy. He had no idea what the criteria was to make the difference between life or death for the innocent._

_He only knew he was sick of sand and blood. Here, death was messy. It turned men, women and even children into piles of ruined flesh. There was no certainty that you would see the next sunrise. The only certainty was that the Grim Reaper could at any moment tap on the shoulders of the culpable and the innocent, the young and the old; no one was safe._

_Maybe exhaustion had made them careless but it was no excuse. He was the one responsible for bringing everyone back and he'd failed miserably. Parkman and Hannaman were gone. He'd only had time to grab their tags and help bury their bodies in shallow graves for later retrieval. He'd carefully noted the coordinates on the map and would use the sat phone to call them in when he could take the chance. Now, he had one more to add to the hastily scribbled list._

He heard the call of an ʻiʻiwi bird. That's funny, he didn't know they had that species here. He listened closer. It sure sounded like one; their call was distinctive.

Opening his eyes, he saw only smothering darkness. "Rodriguez?" he called out softly, waiting for a response . . . there was none. He looked around himself for his gun but it wasn't there_. What the fuck? Where was his carbine?_ His hand went to his belt looking for the knife that should be there . . . it wasn't. _What had happened to his SOG?_ Searching through his pockets, he found only a box cutter. Why would he be armed with only a box cutter?

"Heidegger?" he called out into the darkness once again and received no reply.

He was the last one then. It was up to him now. He had to take out the enemy alone. Rage filled him as he stole silently into the blackness. It was up to him.

…..

Lanai:

Benji and Keanu thrashed through the undergrowth, hearts pounding and eyes wild as they fled from their hiding place in the banyan grove. Benji wasn't sure if he'd actually hit anything. He'd only recently acquired the rifle that had been stolen along with the binoculars and the big knife that hung from his belt. He didn't trust Rabbit to use any of those things. The guy could punch pretty hard but he was a giant fuck-up when it came to anything to do with weapons. The last time Benji had allowed him to use the gun he'd almost shot his own foot.

It was almost dark now. The forest was a pretty scary place in the dark. He'd never admitted it to anyone but he used to beg his mother to leave a light on in his room when he slept. Even going out to spy on the old woman's house after daylight had him sweating but he wasn't going to permit the familiar old fear to show, particularly in front of his idiot companion.

"Hold up brah, my legs about to give out!" breathlessly pleaded Keanu.

"Suck it up Rabbit. I don't know if I even hit the guy. I only meant to kill those mangy animals. If I could scare the crap out of the haoli and make that old bitch think her new pet is gonna get the other ones offed, maybe she'll tell him to get lost.

"I don't think you scared him Benji. He's probably after us right now, brah!"

"Just keep going you whiny bitch." answered the big youth in disgust. "I knew I shouldn't a taken you with me."

They didn't hear the man who silently followed their trail through the dense undergrowth. If they had, and they knew his intent, they'd have run even faster.

….

Oahu:

Kamekona hurriedly punched in the number for the little haole. He waited while it rang for what seemed forever, expecting it to go to voice mail when Danny answered.

"Detective Williams" barked Danny without first looking at caller I.D. If he had, he'd have seen the scary/smiley face of the shrimp truck restaurateur. He hadn't yet uploaded a special ring tone for the big man but his photo was there to see.

"We maybe got an idea where McGarrett might be." said the entrepreneur without preamble.

Danny stood from behind his desk and walked to the door of his office in readiness to summon the cousins. When he heard those words, his gut gave a lurch and he clutched the phone tighter as though if dropped, the lead itself would evaporate as the device hit the ground. "What did you find out?" he snapped.

"My cousin, Ha'upu jus came back from a . . . uhh pineapple run from Lanai dis morning. He said he heard from another . . . uhh pineapple importer that a couple weeks ago, a tall skinny haole cleaned everybody's clock in a fight with a buncha mokes before he went down. Kicked 'okole pretty good with the assistance of a auntie with a baseball bat. It was on da north side in a place not even on da tourist maps."

"They have any other information? What did the guy look like. What's the name of the place. What was he doing there?"

Once again, Kamekona marveled at the machine gun speech of the little haole. _How did McG even keep up with it? _"Nope, jus dat he was tall who look like he should eat someting an he was olohe at takin' dem down like he'd done it lotsa times before. Da town is pretty small. It's about thirty miles northwest of Lanai City near Kanepuu Preserve."

"You said 'before he went down', what happened to him?" asked Danny worriedly, irritated at the deliberate speech pattern of their big friend. Between the big guy and Max . . . "

"Don't know, Ha'upu only said da brah got thumped on pretty bad but he gave better den he got."

"Thanks big guy, I'm gonna check it out. Maybe trouble found SuperSEAL again. Wouldn't be the first time."

"If you find da lolo, tell him he don't stay put I'm gonna sit on him to keep him from going anywhere." warned Kamekona - probably only half in jest thought Danny.

"Hey, we just want to find him we don't want him dead."

"Almost funny little man. Let me know if you catch his scrawny ass."

"Will do big man. Thanks for the tip."

Chin and Kono had their heads buried in the piles of information scattered about Chin's desk. The governor was breathing fire over the, so far, unproductive investigation into the mugging of his friend. Five-0 had made no better headway on it than HPD.

Leaning out his doorway he whistled loudly to get their attention before exclaiming, "Guys! We may have a lead on Steve!" The blonde detective was unable to hide the hope on his face or in his voice.

"What've you got?" asked Chin looking attentively at the blonde detective who paced while gathering his thoughts. Kono's brows knitted and her dark eyes followed the rapidly moving man who manically strode back and forth in the small space in front of his desk.

"Kamekona's cousin heard from another 'importer' of pineapples who heard it from an associate that there'd been a brawl in a small village on the north coast of Lanai. One of the brawlers was a tall skinny haole who managed to kick some serious ass before he was taken out. There was also an old woman involved somehow - one of the locals."

"Kamekona's come through for us before. I don't think he'd have told us if he didn't think there was something to it." opined Chin.

"Yeah, the coconut telegraph stretches to all the islands and Lanai is only across the channel from Molokai. There's a ferry that runs between the two." eagerly chimed Kono.

"If it's true, Steve could have been there all along. If he was hurt in the fight, he'd need somewhere to recover. Maybe he's still there. We gotta get a plane out there now!" said Danny, light in his eyes for the first time in weeks.

"Brah, I don't want to get too excited until we find out a little more. There are guys that try to lose themselves in small villages on a regular basis. This could be Steve or it could be some random guy down on his luck who wanted to get lost for a while." said Chin

"We won't know until we see for ourselves will we?" snapped Danny, not willing to acknowledge that it may not be their missing friend.

The cousins looked at one another with trepidation. If it wasn't Steve, Danny would come crashing down from this high. If it turned out to be some loser trying to find or lose himself in the less traveled parts of Hawaii, they didn't want to see his hopes dashed. They didn't want to have their own hope shot down in flames either.

Danny was already on the phone trying to get some sort of flight to the small island.

…

A really scary place:

The damp leaves slapped against his skin as he wove through the forest. He was trailing their killer. He was going to kill the bastards who'd ended the lives of those he was supposed to bring back to their loved ones. The ones he'd failed to protect. He was going to kill the bastards who'd slaughtered their own countrymen and women and even children for whatever twisted and demented interpretation they thought a holy book dictated. He was going to watch their blood run into the earth as he'd watched the blood of his comrades stain the sandy ground.

He rubbed at the graze on his forearm that had long ago stopped bleeding. The bullet had burned across his skin without entering it. It barely registered in his mind. His throat burned and his eyes ached. Why was it so humid here? It was never humid in the desert. Something wasn't right.

Nevertheless, he had a job to do. There was no giving up, no stopping, no reprieve for the killers. He was on a mission and, this time, he wouldn't fail.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Will try to crank out the next one within a week. Reviews would be much appreciated, (yes, I'm still that cheap date).**


	27. The Hard Way

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 27

**Here's a short one. Rushed it so you guys wouldn't lose faith in my ETA's. I hope it makes sense. No reunion yet but it's coming very soon. Another small clue about Kip's past.**

**Imaginary beta didn't even get to glance at this one so mistakes are inevitable. I continue to be amazed and more than thrilled at the response to this story. I can't thank you enough for your support. **

**Disclaimer: Still not mine but if they followed me home, I'd keep them.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

The Hard Way

Lanai:

The strobe-like flash lit up the forest floor. The trees were starting to thin out here and light could actually get all the way to the ground. Thunder vibrated through his body with a nearly physical clout.

He was getting closer. He could smell them - their sweat, their fear.

He gripped the cool steel handle of the box cutter. It wasn't his weapon of choice but it would do. He still couldn't remember what had happened to his knife. They must have taken it from him but he didn't remember them doing so. It was a SOG, he'd paid a lot for it. It was probably gone with the carbine.

No matter, he still had the small razor sharp blade . . . and he had his hands. If he could get close enough he wouldn't even need the knife. Snapping a neck would be no problem. No problem at all.

He was the only one left to get the job done. He'd finish the mission. He was the last one.

…

Oahu:

"So, we know Steve went to Lanai. What's on Lanai?" asked Danny, now even more frustrated that he couldn't immediately get a flight to the island. None of the commercial carriers or even the smaller tour choppers were flying right now because of the iffy weather.

"You're gonna hate this Danny but it's mostly an old pineapple plantation with a couple of high-end hotels on a small part of it. There's Lanai City and a marina but not much else." Chin amusedly noticed Danny's slight grimace at the word 'pineapple'. They'd been trying to get more information on the village where Steve might be staying but, as Kamekona had said, it was pretty far off the beaten path.

"Why would Steve want to go hang out on a pineapple plantation?" asked the blonde who looked a bit distracted.

"Friends maybe?" said Kono whose slender and normally fluid body looked stiff tense as she leaned against the edge of the smart table. Actually, everyone looked tense and out of sorts.

"I don't think so. Like I've said before, he really didn't want to see anyone he knew." Danny crankily dismissed her question even though he was aware Kono was trying to help. They were all worn thin at the moment. Steve's disappearance weighed heavily on them all while Denning was, very annoyingly, putting the screws to them regarding his ex-partner's mugging and becoming more suspicious by the day regarding their missing commander.

There'd also been a sort of uneasiness brewing among the members of Five-0, (as if having their leader missing for three weeks wasn't uneasy enough). Both Chin and Kono shifted their stances around the electronic table where they'd gathered to look up at the big screen with the map of Lanai.

Clearing his throat, it was Chin who began, "Danny, we've kept silent long enough brah, what the hell happened to Steve? What aren't you telling us?" For once, the Zen-like calm of the sinewy Hawaiian was unsettled in frustration.

"Chin, even if I knew, I couldn't tell you. I already broke my word to Steve by saying as much as I have but," said Danny, his regret plainly showing on his face. "it was the only thing I could think to do to get some help in finding him. I honestly don't know. He refused to talk about it but whatever it is; it really fucked with his head."

Chin only nodded sadly in acknowledgement. Normally, he wouldn't even have felt it his place to ask but this was Steve - the guy who charged in guns blazing seemingly without a second thought - the guy who did everything in his power to keep everyone safe. Whatever it was that happened, it must have been something horrific to send him into such a tailspin. He only looked across the table at Kono, without even having to use words; the cousins renewed their resolve to find their friend.

Danny's head hurt but, mostly, it was his heart that troubled him. Steve so needed all the help his ohana could give him but how could they help if they couldn't even find him and even if they did catch up with him, would he accept any aid they could offer?

The three looked up at each other at the same moment and each saw only their own sadness reflected in the other.

…

Lanai:

Benji and Rabbit stopped for a moment to take a breath as they plopped themselves on top of a rotting, moss covered log. The larger of the two wiped sweat from his eyes as he tried to get control over his panting respiration.

Casting ominous shadows all around them, the light from the full moon shone through the break in the clouds to leak through the tree tops. His eyes nervously searched the dense foliage, looking for sign of the haole. There was something about that guy - something dangerous and frightening. He shoulda listened to Rabbit. He thought his friend was just being gutless when he told him not to do it but he'd refused to be bested by that old woman and her skinny haole.

Hell, he never even meant to shoot the guy; just that old dog and the cow and now here they were, he and that idiot Rabbit, running through the fucking jungle with another storm about to break any moment. They'd expected the one called Ua Kane to run away but instead, he'd run toward them! _That was just fucking wrong. What the hell's the matter with the guy?_

There was a loud crack as a bolt of lightning lit up the sky and thunder rolled through the distance. _Jesus, this is like a horror movie. This just sucks!_

…..

Kip and Howard had finished giving their statement to the hefty sergeant. It was raining again and it pounded on the roof like the drums of Heaven. Kip would glance toward the windows every time lightening lit up the landscape.

_This couldn't be happening again._

Howard noted her distraction and subtly covered her hand with his as they sat at the kitchen table. Hakoda finished scribbling on his small notepad and tucked it and the stubby pencil back into his breast pocket.

"So, why haven't you ever asked this guy his name?" he asked once again. Looking pointedly at Kip.

"Wasn't any of my business." she said knowing the old cop wouldn't let her get away with that answer.

"Kip, the guy's working for you and living in your house for chrissakes. You should at least know his real name."

Howard looked like he agreed with Hakoda. Even though he actually liked the tall man, there was something unsettling about him. Some uneasiness under the surface.

"I just figured he'd tell me when he was ready. No big deal, Mario."

With one last chuff of resignation at the stubborn woman he'd known for many years, he heaved his bulk out of the chair and stood, adjusting his belt around his considerable girth and putting on his hat.

"We all know who the shooter or shooters probably were. That's not a big mystery. Those idiots sure have to learn the hard way. I can't believe the little punks actually had the balls to shoot a guy though. I've already checked on Jimmy and Timmy. They've been home for hours and that waste of oxygen named Apela is still hobbling around on crutches. Benji and Rabbit are the only ones missing."

"You'da thought they'd have already learned their lesson when Kip and Rain Man pounded the crap out of them last time." snorted Howard who then smiled at the woman sitting next to him.

Kip gave him a triumphant if small smile in return, squeezing his hand as another crack of lightening lit up the sky and rain began to pound even harder onto her newly repaired roof.

"Okay." said Hakoda, noting the small gestures between the two. The torch he'd carried for Kip had never been extinguished. He thought that after Malu had died, he'd have a chance but Howard was the one who seemed to have taken up residence in her heart, if not her home. He'd have to be content with the contentious relationship they continued to have. It was better than nothing. Anyway, attracted to her or not, the woman was still nuts.

Hakoda's battered jeep had just chugged away from the house toward the bottom of the hill when with a blinding flash of lightning and a crash of thunder that shook the foundation, the back door burst open and there stood a tall man covered in blood.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**I have to thank the reviewer who gave me the title for this story. I've gone back through your comments and can't locate the quote. My memory is crap so if you'd let me know who you are I'd love to mention you in the notes on the next chapter.**

**As always, reviews make this endeavor rewarding. I'd love to hear from you.**

**Next update in about four days or so.**


	28. Here But Not

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 28

**Here's the next. Was going to have Steve and Danny reunite but I think it's still too soon. I hope you are not disappointed but Steve's not ready to go home yet, (plus there's that little matter of the blood on his clothes and those two missing idiots).**

**Thank you all for your input on this story. Looks like it's going to be a chapter or two longer than intended. I hope you will continue to read and not wander off as I would probably do.**

**Disclaimer: We are all just undiscovered Shakespeares, Hemingways and Rowlings and they don't own any part of the show either. (I guess Rowlings might, but I don't know). **

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Here But Not

Lanai:

The chopper hovered above the small clearing at the edge of town . . . if you could call it a town. _Talk about Podunk . . . _thought its passenger

Danny could see only the one main, unpaved, street and the few buildings that lined either side of it.

Sorry that it hadn't occurred to him sooner, he hoped the sound of the chopper wouldn't have consequences for Steve. He'd suspected the sound of a helicopter could bring to mind memories of combat for his partner. Sometimes, during an unexpected flyover, Steve could look a trifle alarmed and that was before any of this current shit had even happened.

The sound of the rotors changed pitch as the runners touched the ground with a slight bump. Being on the ground again was a relief. Danny Williams was definitely more of an earthbound type of person; that meant flying and swimming if only absolutely necessary.

_Chin and Kono must be related to everyone on the friggin' islands_, thought the detective as he placed his loafer clad feet on blessed terra firma. At times their familial connections had certainly come in handy. The chopper that brought him here belonged to and was piloted by the cousin of an uncle twice removed or something of the sort. The aircraft was old but serviceable and was usually used in some sort of agricultural capacity. He thanked the pilot and got out of the chopper as the rotor blades created the backwash that whipped the grass around them.

They'd been lucky and just beat the latest rain squalls between storms. It had taken some persuasion on Chin's part to even get the guy to agree to fly in the iffy weather. As it was, he agreed to just drop Danny off and it was up to the detective to find his way back to Oahu. The pilot wasted no time in once again becoming airborne. He'd already cut it close. _The things one did for ohana!_

Kono's online research of inter-island transportation informed Danny he could take the ferry to Molokai and then get a flight from there to Honolulu. The important thing was getting to Steve as quickly as possible; after that, they'd just have to punt.

The cousins had to stay behind to continue working the governor's case. They were trying everything they could to keep the man somewhat happy and keep him from asking any more about McGarrett.

Just before Danny had left for Lanai, Kono had taken a call from an unexpected source with what seemed to be a break in the case. The blonde detective hadn't even had time to find out any details; just that it had something to do with the man's ex. Danny could probably have related to issues involving ex-wives and would have been good to have around but he had to get to Steve and the weather window was about to close.

In the distance, he could see a coffee shop in the middle of the main drag. In a small place like this, it was always the best bet for gathering information. Coffee shops or even general or convenience stores were always a spot where locals would congregate with their gossip and chatter. He wished he had one of the cousins with him. He knew he stood out like a sore thumb and, from prior experience, knew that locals were less than inclined to talk to such a 'glow in the dark' haole as Kono had once teasingly described him. He hadn't taken offense because he knew she was right. His blonde hair and fair skin coupled with his usual uniform of button-down shirts, dress slacks and loafers didn't make him necessarily blend in with the native population.

Steve was the one who'd finally convinced him to lose the tie. With an evil grin he'd told him if he showed up for work wearing one, he was going to take his big SEAL knife and cut it off his neck and if Danny dared wiggle while he was doing it, he couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be any 'accidental' bloodshed. _Sometimes the big goof could be strangely persuasive,_ thought Danny wryly.

He shook the thought from his head as he stepped around mud puddles the size of Lake Erie and hopped onto the wooden boardwalk that ran along the length of the street on both sides.

The sound of his footsteps was muffled by the dampness of the wood as he walked along it until he came to a halt in front of the coffee shop window. At this hour of the day it looked to be sparsely patronized. Pushing its door open and hearing the sound of the jingle bell attached to the handle, he walked into the warm room and looked around.

There were only two sets of patrons in the place and the four locals of which they consisted looked up at him with suspicion if not open hostility. Seeing the 'Seat Yourself' sign, he strode to the table closest to the front window. His shoes were wet from walking across the grassy field in which the chopper had touched down and they made squelching noises in the suddenly silent cafe. He sat and, as he waited for someone to show up and ask what he wanted, wiggled his toes in soggy socks. _Dammit._

Presently, a girl of about sixteen or so with large dark eyes and a braid down her back came to the table to timidly hand him a menu and ask in a tiny voice, "Can I get you some coffee?"

"Well, since I am in a coffee shop I guess that would be a very good idea." he smiled at her.

She scurried away apparently unimpressed by his charm.

In another minute, she set the heavy cup down in front of him along with a spoon, a small pitcher of cream and a ceramic container filled with packets of sugar and various kinds of artificial sweeteners.

"Hi, I'm Detective Danny Williams of Five-0. What's your name?" he asked, again trying his smile.

"Uhh" . . . said the girl, looking like it was maybe a hard question to answer.

"Don't worry, I don't bite. What's your name kid?" again the Williams smile.

"Lila." she said almost inaudibly, adding, "I should go get my mom."

"Maybe that's a good idea." he agreed as the girl once again scurried away.

In another moment, a middle-aged woman wearing a bright muumuu appeared from a doorway behind the counter. She scowled as she approached the table.

"Is there something I can help you with . . . detective?"

"Yes, there may be Mrs. . . ?"

"Wakakua" she supplied not losing her scowl.

"Mrs. Wakakua, I'd like you and your daughter to take a look at this picture and tell me if you've recently seen this man."

He took the folded picture of Steve out of his pocket and flattening out the creases, laid it on the table in front of him. Both the girl and her mother bent over it to look closely. The girl's large eyes grew larger in recognition but looking unsurely at her mother, she waited for her to speak.

"Is this man dangerous?" asked Mrs. Wakakua, now looking more than a little apprehensive.

"No, no, don't worry. He's not dangerous. Just a friend I need to locate. I heard there was a stranger who came here fairly recently and he was involved in some sort of fight. Is this him?"

"That's the man Lila waited on about two weeks ago when he first came here but he hasn't been in here since then. There was a big fight in front of the hardware store and he got hurt but he really mopped the floor with Benji and the Waiwaiolas and a couple of others. Later, I heard that he was staying out at that lolo Kekipi Meluhia's place

"What did this Kekipi say about him?" knowing the word 'lolo' was not a positive description. Its use gave him one of those 'hmm' moments.

"Oh, she was part of the brawl too. That woman is dangerous. She comes in here pretty regular but I don't really talk to her. Everyone in town is afraid of her except maybe Howard."

"Why are they afraid of her?" asked Danny as Lila's mother rolled her eyes at the thought of the woman in question.

"Well, like I said, she's crazy and . . . she's a witch."

"Really? A witch? _Here we go again with the Hawaiian folklore stuff_! he thought before continuing, "Witch as in nasty personality or witch as in broomsticks and black cats?"

"Maybe a little of both but what I meant was she knows spells and potions and stuff. I've always told Lila to be nice to her just in case but we don't really want to be friends with her."

"Where does this Kekipi live?"

"Not far from here. It's just a mile or so outside of town. If you go see her, you won't tell her I told you anything, will you?"

"No, we don't want her put the whammies on anyone or anything." answered Danny with mock seriousness which was apparently lost on the woman as she cocked her head at him like a puzzled cocker spaniel.

"Evil curses." He clarified for her.

"Oh, thank you." she breathed in relief at his assurance. "Would you like a piece of pie to go with your coffee?"

"No, thanks. I have someone to see."

With that, he dropped a five-dollar bill on the table and hurried out the door. His heart was actually pounding as the thought of finally catching up with Steve was becoming a reality.

…

Earlier:

He woke in the usual way. The hand, the apple, the baby, the scream, the blade; they'd all been there waiting for him. This time he hadn't been able to wake himself before the blood covered everything. This time, he felt it spatter onto his skin like warm viscous rain. This time, his own screams woke him and took him away from the fearful images of destruction.

Chest heaving, he opened his eyes to find Kip and Howard standing at the doorway of the small room.

By the weak morning light that filtered through the curtains, it looked to be barely dawn and their still forms were partially backlit by the yellow light that spilled from the kitchen. They actually looked frightened. Kip hadn't ever been frightened by his waking from nightmares before; only concerned. What had he done to frighten them?

He quickly sat up; the vividly sanguine remembrance dissipating into the dawn. "Uhh hi." he said to the two who continued to stare silently at him. "What's going on? What's wrong?"

Kip approached him rather slowly. The worried/frightened look never leaving her face.

"You don't remember?" she asked, her face now morphing into something else . . . concern? No . . . sadness.

"Remember?" he replied, now totally confused but his stomach tightening in dread. "Remember what?"

"Do you remember what happened last night?" inquired Howard, coming forward to stand protectively next to Kip.

He felt his chest constricting. It felt as though he'd suddenly been encased in ice. _Oh God._

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"

Kip could see the confusion on his face. Her heart felt leaden in her chest. She put her hand on Howard's arm then moved past him toward Steve.

Howard had wanted to keep her from approaching the man on the bed but Kip's hand on his arm was her signals to stop him from interfering. The hardware clerk only gave a hard look to the man sitting before them.

_What the hell? _Thought Steve, panic rising until he could hear his own heart wildly pounding in his chest.

Approaching him as though she would a frightened animal, she slowly and carefully sat on the edge of the mattress as Steve continued to stare at her; now barely daring to breath. Her eyes skimmed the length of his body and he looked downward to follow her gaze. He was still wearing his work clothes . . . clothes now stiff with dried blood. He'd looked as though he'd been soaked in it. He knew it wasn't his.

His skin felt hot and cold at the same time as he fought down rising nausea. He couldn't even find words for what he felt. _What's happened? Who have I hurt? _He was dizzy now but he turned away from Kip to scramble out of bed on the opposite side from where she sat. She quickly stood to go around the foot of the bed to go after him.

His movement startled Howard into placing his body between Steve and Kip.

"Howard, it's okay. Ua Kane won't hurt me." she said to the man standing protectively in front of her.

"You don't know what he'll do, Kip. Look at him. He's covered in blood from head to foot. You have no idea what he's capable of."

"Howard . . . I would . . . I mean . . . I would never hurt Kip or you. Never!" stammered the tall man. "Please, tell me what happened! Why are you afraid of me!? What's wrong!?"

"You went after whoever shot at you last night. Do you remember?" asked Kip quietly.

"Someone shot at me?" he rasped, body now starting to tremble with the sudden flood of adrenaline. The bright bolts of cloth on the storage shelves that lined the room seemed to swirl around him in flashes of fuchsias and yellows and blues. He grabbed onto one of the turned wooden bedposts to steady his stance.

"You followed them into the forest. You didn't come back until after three A.M. and when you did, you passed-out right after you came in the door. We couldn't get you to wake so we carried you in here." said Howard, a new hardness in his voice.

"I . . . I don't remember. I went out to feed the cow . . . the dog was barking at something . . . "

"Benji Pakele and the boy named Rabbit, two of that bunch that tried to rough you up a few weeks ago, didn't come home last night. We think they were the ones who shot at you. Do you know where they are?" asked Howard

He stared silently back at the storekeeper. He had no answer for him.

"They killed the cow, they killed Marilyn." said Kip, thinking perhaps it would serve to jog his memory. Her dark eyes searched his face hoping for an answer and praying it would be one they could live with.

Strangely, he felt he should tell her that he was sorry about Marilyn but thoughts of what he may have done jammed his brain's circuitry. Did they think he had something to do with those punks disappearing? Of course they did. Why wouldn't they? He couldn't even tell them he hadn't. Once again he looked down at his bloodstained clothes.

Taking a deep transforming breath; his face now expressionless, he said dully, "Do what you have to do Howard." then walked out the bedroom door and across the kitchen out into the back yard.

He walked woodenly toward the pasture; past the body of the cow that still lay in it; past the old dog that waited for him; past the waving sunlit blades of wild grass.

He paused to stare up at the now bright clear sky. It's rays finally having a clear path to the earth, the sun was beginning to warm the ground and heat the air but all he felt was cold. He came to the small tree in the middle of the expanse. He sat without feeling the ground beneath him. He would wait here.

…..

Later:

The blonde man walked toward the small cottage. He could see from a distance that someone had begun to paint its peeling exterior. Most of the front porch sported a new coat of white paint. As he came closer; dogs, goats, sheep and what seemed enough geese to fill volumes of nursery rhyme books rushed toward him voicing their warnings.

Having never heard of attack goats, he backed toward the road. "Hey! Hey! No! Bad goat!" he yelled as one of the cloven-hoofed animals fearlessly rushed up to him to place its front feet on his shoulders and then proceeded to nibble on his shirt collar. He was just glad he hadn't worn a tie.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a one-eared, (make than one-and-a-half eared), rabbit hop toward him as though on a mission.

_What the hell? Maybe the woman is a witch after all and these are all her familiars?_ Frankly, it creeped him out a bit.

For whatever reason, the dogs only stood barking at him from a safe distance. He guessed he was lucky. The goats were bad enough. _Hey, where'd that rabbit go?_

"Knock it off dammit!" he yelled at the goat who'd suddenly found his watchband more to its taste. He tried to push it away but the animal stubbornly kept its toothy grip on the leather strap.

Just then, a woman's voice called loudly from the porch. "You little bastards! Leave the man alone! I mean it!"

To Danny's amazement, every creature surrounding him turned to look at the sturdy grey-haired woman who stood on the wooden porch, hands on her hips. If animals could speak, he was sure he would've heard a chorus saying 'Oh shit!' as every one of them immediately backed off.

"Jeeze, that was like being mobbed by the Bronx Zoo!" smiled Danny as he brushed off his shirt and looked up at the woman wearing an oversized Hawaiian shirt that Chin would covet.

"Yeah, sorry about that. They can get a little too enthusiastic in their greetings sometimes. May I help you?"

"Uhh, yes ma'am." said Danny as he wiped goat slobber off his watchband. "My name is Detective Danny Williams. I'm from Five-0 and I need to ask you a few questions."

"Well, that sounds ominous. You may as well have said 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help'". Looking him over with a critical eye, she said, "Why, pray tell, is Five-0 poking around this neighborhood?"

Danny detected a bit of caution mixed with a smidge of hostility in the woman's tone. From the looks of her wild frizzy hair and baggy denims and adding in the quote about the government, he deduced that she may be some sort of holdover from the sixties. Maybe even an ex-hippie though he wouldn't hold it against her; he'd seen those photos of his parents in the Williams family album.

She stood evaluating him for another moment before beckoning him onto the porch. The animal welcome committee quietly parted to let him through. It reminded him of that scene from the Hitchcock movie when the birds sat silently staring from the rooftops and power lines before they launched their next deadly attack. He hurried up the steps.

Kip pushed open the screen door and ushered him into the small house. He followed her across the compact little living room and into the kitchen.

"Please, have a seat, Detective. Can I get you something to drink? Some tea perhaps?" she said rather formally, and emphasizing the word 'detective' as though it was unpleasant to even utter.

"No, thank-you ma'am. I just need to ask you a few questions about a recent visitor to this town. I hear that you've had some dealings with him." smiled Danny, hoping to make himself appear as something other than a 'government' official – which he actually was mind you.

"Dealings?" she asked calmly. "I haven't had 'dealings' in several years if you're asking about growing pot.

The detective looked somewhat startled at the frank statement but recognized it as an attempt to divert his attention from the matter at hand.

"No, no. Not wanting to know anything about that. I just need to find my friend." Taking that moment, he once again pulled out and unfolded the picture of Steve and placed it on the table on top of the half-completed puzzle of a boat on a dark ocean that lay there.

Picking it up, she looked at it carefully then pursed her lips as if deciding to answer or not.

"Why do you want to find him?" she finally asked. There was no hostility in her question. She sounded genuinely curious.

"He . . . he's a friend who's gone missing and we're worried about him." stated Danny trying his best not to be irritated by her coyness.

"Who is 'we'?" she asked; again seeming only to be curious.

"'We' are his ohana. We all work together and we've been very worried about him since he left . . . uhh, unexpectedly.

"Does this friend have a name?"

"It's Steve, his name is Steven McGarrett."

Her eyes actually widened at that. She paused with her mouth slightly open before asking her next question.

"Steve McGarrett as in the Governor's Special Taskforce McGarrett?" she asked now wide-eyed.

"Yes, that Steve McGarrett." answered the detective, knowing there was no way he could avoid confirming that for her. The islands weren't that big and there weren't that many people with the same name if any.

The woman somewhat hesitantly asked. "If you find Steve, what are you going to do?"

Danny was a little surprised by her question. The woman obviously knows where Steve is, he's sure of it. What did she think he was going to do?

"I'll ask him to come back. He has a home on Oahu. He has a job and he has us."

Kip thought this little blonde man sounded offended by her question. She knew she couldn't keep Ua Kane away from him forever but she needed to know if it would be a good thing for her friend to accompany the detective back to Oahu. Would he even want to go? Why had he never spoken of them?

"He was here but he left." she answered. "You just missed him."

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Reviews and comments would be very much appreciated.**

**Update in about a week or so.**


	29. When to Be Afraid

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 29

**Okay, here's your lame Christmas present. I want to sincerely thank you all for your comments, alerts and favorites. Even though I'd probably still write, it wouldn't be even a tenth as much fun and rewarding without your feedback. You guys rock!**

**Not a whole lot of Steve in this chapter but he'll be more present in the next. Mistakes are, of course, inevitable considering Imaginary Beta is such a lazy bitch. I'm sorry if the timeline in this one is confusing.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own them or anything remotely connected to the show. Hoping that this year Santa will correct that oversight. Must be my potty-mouth that put me on his 'bad' list. Ninja cats have earned a permanent place on mine. A piece of my furniture is starting to look like a vaguely 'sofa-like' pile of shredded fabric.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

When to Be Afraid

Last night:

They were just ahead of him now. He reached into his pocket and retrieved the box-cutter as his thumb slid the little lever that advanced the blade. He could hear them talking. _Is that English?_

"Brah, that dude's crazy. I knew it wasn't a good idea to do this!"

"Shut up Rabbit. I don't wanna hear your whiney-ass cryin'! You're as bad as Jimmy and Timmy being afraid of that fat old cop."

"Benji, he's not a fat old cop! I saw him run _at_ us instead of the other way! What kind lolo does shit like that? Dude's tatted too. Maybe he broke out of Halawa or someting? Could be a murderer or one o those meth freaks, he's skinny like that. Those guys all had their brains fried and don't know how to be scared o stuff they should be scared of when they're tweakin'!"

"Rabbit, you're hupo. Even crazy as Kip is, she wouldn't take in a meth addict. Besides," said Benji with an evil grin that was pretty much lost in the darkness, "doesn't your mom have tatts?"

"Yeah, but only like a bird or a butterfly or sometin' on her shoulder." defended Rabbit. He may not have the 'Mother of the Year' but she was the only one he had.

"Naw man, I seen that one on her ass and that other one on her . . . "

"Shut up Benji! You can't talk about my mom like that! I'm gonna kick your 'okole!"

There was the sound of a tussle; twigs snapping and foliage being crashed through along with angry and/or effortful grunts and the dull thud of fist on flesh.

Benji was bigger but Rabbit, (as his name actually implied), was faster. They thrashed around on the soggy forest floor as their struggle flung wet clumps of rotting vegetation and mud. As their, mostly ineffective, punches were traded neither of them noticed the man standing at the edge of the little clearing; moonlight reflecting off the blade in his hand.

…..

It was after two A.M.

As the sound of Hakoda's ancient vehicle faded into the wet distance, Kip looked at Howard with sad resignation on her face.

"I think he's gone this time." she said, not knowing why the disappearance of a man who was nearly a stranger upset her so.

"Maybe he'll be back." said Howard, smoothing his hand gently across her back and giving her what was intended to be a one-armed hug but before he even had time to react, Kip had her face buried against his chest and she was sobbing.

To say he was startled was an understatement. He'd known Kip for years and had never seen her cry like this. Not even when Joey left, not even when Malu had been killed in that accident during the storm.

Howard himself had been the one to tell her of the death of her beloved husband. He and Malu and a couple others had been out with a backhoe at the edge of town when it happened. They were trying to reinforce the earthen dam that had been keeping the village from being swept away by flash floods that came down from the higher valleys. As the two stood with their shovels near the machine, there was a simultaneous crack and flash. Both had been violently thrown to the ground. Howard had survived but the lightning strike had instantly killed his best friend.

There were no tears even then but he'd never seen someone look so desolate. Only a few months before, via a phone call from the Los Angeles Medical Examiner's office, they'd been told of Joey's death. Malu had related to his friend that Kip didn't even cry when she'd gotten the news. She denied it had ever happened and talked about Joey coming home as soon as he worked out his problems

Malu had been very worried about his wife. As far as Howard knew, even to this day, she'd never acknowledged the death of her son and still expected him to return to his home on Lanai.

Everyone in town knew of her reaction, (or lack of it), to her son's death. After awhile, they just sort of backed away from the woman who'd been their mainstay in medical emergencies for so many years. The only time they came to her now was in the most dire of circumstances. She'd been abandoned by pretty much everyone except himself and Hakoda. Crazy or not they'd both loved her for many years; only their respect for Malu keeping them from pursuing their interests. Well, that and the fact that Malu could kick their asses with one hand tied behind his back.

Why was she crying now over someone she'd met barely a month ago? He couldn't do anything but hug her to him as warm tears soaked into the front of his shirt.

….

_What the hell?_ he thought as he stood listening to the commotion. A sudden strobe of lightning lit up the two youths rolling around on the forest floor as they tried their best to beat the crap out of each other.

Dizzy and disoriented, he let the box cutter drop to his side. _These aren't hostiles. This isn't the desert!_

They were just two of the punks from that fight in front of Howard's store. _Fuck!_ Where was he and why is he standing here watching those two imbeciles roll around in the muck? He looked around himself and saw only moonlit forest; leaves shiny and dripping reflecting fragments of cold blue light that leaked through the canopy above.

As Benji rolled on top of his adversary, he caught a glimpse of someone standing in the shadows and watching them. With a loud squeal of fright, he jumped to his feet and backed away eyes wide and mouth moving like a goldfish. Rabbit sat up to face his now terrified opponent. As he regained his feet he could see that Benji still stared at something behind him.

Whirling around to see what it was, Rabbit saw his worst nightmare. There stood the tattooed man staring at them silently. He held something shiny at his side. If only they hadn't dropped the rifle in their frantic flight through the forest.

To his credit, Rabbit did not wet himself. Benji wasn't as lucky. The big youth was too distracted at the moment to even feel the warmth that soaked into the front of his pants.

…

Late today:

"Do you know where he went?" asked the man who accepted the offer of a paper towel to finish wiping the sticky disgusting stuff off his watch. On the chair next to him sat a one-eyed cat who seemed to be fascinated by what he was doing.

"Sorry detective. He left here a couple days ago and didn't say where he was going." said Kip as she took a sip of tea and smiled sweetly. The little haole didn't look like a bad sort but if Ua Kane hadn't wanted to be found . . . well she wouldn't spill any information until she had a chance to talk to her friend. She'd do her best to keep him out of sight for now.

…

He knew she was lying. Though the old woman didn't seem a bad sort, maybe just a little eccentric, she was definitely concealing something. Steve still had to be around somewhere. Danny knew he'd just have to be patient and bide his time, she couldn't hide him forever.

"How did he seem when he left?" he asked as he took a sip of the hot tea she'd finally talked him into. _No doubt to make up for the overly enthusiastic greeting committee,_ he thought.

"What do you mean?" she asked, a line forming between her dark eyes.

"His state of mind; was he upset or preoccupied; that kinda thing."

Kip's mind flashed to her last contact with the tall man. 'preoccupied' wasn't even close. His eyes had been dull and vacant. He looked like he'd given up . . . on everything.

"He was a little quiet maybe but he wasn't very talkative to begin with." she fudged.

"Yeah, that sounds like Steve." confirmed Danny as he took a sip of the herbal tea. It was a little bitter but it was relaxing.

Kip actually felt bad for the man who sat across from her. She'd caught the despair in the blonde detective's voice. He looked exhausted as well.

"Maybe he'll come back on his own." she offered, "Maybe he's just not ready to go home yet."

Danny looked up from the stoneware cup he'd been absently staring into, startled by his lapse in attention. The old woman's dark eyes looked kind and her face reflected only sympathy. _She's still lying though_.

"Maybe" he said tiredly. "If you see him, please tell him his ohana misses him and wants him to come home. If he doesn't want to talk – that's fine; we won't make him. We just want him to be safe."

Now, Kip felt _really_ bad. Detective Williams looked so sincere and . . . so sad. She knew how it felt to wait for someone to come home; someone who was lost, someone who'd been damaged like the old dog. Sometimes, trust was almost a foreign concept for those creatures. She knew very well about such things.

"Thanks for the tea." said Danny as he pushed back the old wooden chair and stood up, his back popping loudly as the vertebra realigned. Looking toward the window over the sink, he could see that it had started raining again. _Crap! _His shoes were just finally beginning to dry out.

"Would you know where I can get a ride to the other side of the island? It doesn't look like I'm going to be leaving any time soon. At least not until I find Steve."

"There aren't any taxis here but you can probably get Howard over at the hardware store to give you a lift after he closes for the day. Just give him a couple bucks for gas." Standing to go toward the ancient pink rotary-dial phone in the living room, she called over her shoulder, "I'll contact him. Be right back."

While he waited, he looked down at the puzzle that covered nearly half the table. It would be a hard one to assemble. Most of the pieces had to be nearly the same color; either parts of dark sky or dark ocean. The boat portion had already been completed.

It was obvious there'd been two different assemblers sitting on opposite sides of the table. One side had a chaotic pile of unsorted pieces while the other side had smaller piles sorted by subtle shades of color and pattern. Someone with a thorough and analytical mind, (not to mention a very strong OCD streak), had sorted those.

He smiled . . . _Not leaving yet . . . I can wait her out._

"Howard says he'd be happy to give you a ride." said Kip as she bustled back into the room. "You can take my umbrella. Just leave it with him; he'll bring it back to me."

She handed him the umbrella; thankfully a plain one. It wasn't patterned like her shirt or something like Gracie's Hello Kitty umbrella that matched her pink and white lunchbox. _That stupid cat had its face on everything. _He idly wondered if there was Hello Kitty toilet paper too.

"Thank you for your hospitality Mrs. Maluhia." he smiled.

"Just call me Kip, everyone else does." she smiled back. In spite of the little haole being _'the man'_, she liked him. He must be a good friend to Ua Kane if he'd come all the way out here.

_We should all have friends like that_, she thought, _people willing to travel miles to find us when we're lost._

They'd almost gotten to the front door when she exclaimed, "Oh, hang on! I have some rain boots that might fit you. Those nice shoes are going to be ruined if you have to walk back to town through all this mud."

Before he could even say anything, she was off to what he assumed was the bedroom and he could hear the noise of things being tossed about in her search. Her voice muffled as though she had her head in a closet, he heard "I know they're in here somewhere."

As he waited, he looked around the small living room. From the woman's décor, a Hello Kitty umbrella wasn't out of the realm of possibility. Riotously bright Hawaiian print drapes and lime and turquoise walls almost made him squint. The little house seemed cluttered and chaotic but, unlike his own rat-hole of an apartment, there was actually no dust to be seen. He'd noted the only neatly arranged part of it was a display of family photos on a bookshelf by the door. He stepped closer to pick up one of the framed images - a picture of a man in uniform. Sitting next to it was another photo showing someone in uniform. He could tell they'd been taken many years apart. Separated by a Plexiglas box holding what looked to be a purple heart and a couple of ribbons he didn't recognize, very like the ones displayed in Steve's office, there were also formal portraits of what looked to be the same two individuals.

Out of one smiled a sturdy looking man with dark skin and a patch over one eye. The other showed a slightly lighter skinned young man – a boy really - with even features and a bright smile. He assumed they were father and son. The boy looked more like Kip.

…..

Last night:

"Don't kill us! Please!" begged Rabbit in a panicked voice.

"Not gonna kill you. What are you doing here?" said the low quiet voice from the shadows at the edge of the tiny clearing.

"We didn't mean it!" he babbled, "I mean Benji didn't mean it. He wasn't even aiming at you. He just wanted to scare Kip into making you go away. Honest!"

Benji only stood mutely frozen beside Rabbit; the stain on the front of his pants remarkably visible under the cold light in the clearing.

They stood staring at one another, hunter and hunted. Both frightened but for very different reasons.

"Give me the knife." ordered the tall man. When neither youth moved to obey, he said in a loud growl, "Now!"

Benji looked about to passout. Rabbit quickly unsheathed the knife that hung from his comrade's belt and with shaking hands, extended it hilt first to the frightening apparition.

"Do you know where we are?" asked the apparition.

"Uhh yeah, we're just north of town. It's only about a twenty minute walk in the daylight." answered Rabbit, puzzled why the man didn't recognize where they were. He wasn't from around here but still . . .

"Lead us there." he growled again.

"Ookay. Come on Benji." he said turning to his still frozen friend who only looked at him blankly. _Great, two zombies_, thought the orthodontically challenged youth as he grabbed the oaf's arm and started off in the direction of the village.

…..

Later today:

Danny trudged back to town from Kip's cottage. It seemed farther than his trip out there. He skirted around what seemed ocean wide and deep pools in the rutted dirt/mud road.

Thankfully, the galoshes were only a little too big and though his feet slightly slipped around in them, he knew he was glad to have them. His budget certainly wouldn't allow for another replacement of loafers. He'd already wrecked two pair in the few months before Steve left by following his fearless leader into whatever dire situation he'd flung himself into.

He dejectedly wondered what the future held for his friend; if Steve would ever overcome his demons. _Of_ _course he will . . . he's Steve, _he told himself. The man is the bravest and most determined guy he's ever met. This is just temporary. He'll return to Five-0 and Danny, as usual, will be there right behind him to protect his back . . . right?

Somehow managing to banish the doubt as foolish and feeling a little better after the self-administered pep talk, he hopped another gargantuan puddle. He looked up to find he'd reached the edge of town.

The hardware store was easy to locate. There actually wasn't any way to miss it. There were only eight or nine businesses on the street. From where he stood, he could make out the coffee shop, a small grocery store, a feed store, and a tractor/machinery repair shop. There were a few smaller shops that didn't so obviously exhibit their purpose without closer observation.

He hopped up onto the wooden sidewalk and after only a few more steps entered the compact hardware store to find a balding man at the register putting packets of screws and hinges into a bag for a customer.

The clerk looked up and smiled, "You must be Detective Williams?" he greeted as if there was any doubt the blonde stranger in the long sleeved shirt and dress slacks could be any other.

The two shook hands in greeting, Howard saying, "Just let me close up and we can leave."

"It's not five yet," said Danny glancing at his recently slobbered-on watch, "You don't have to lose business because of me."

"No, it's okay. Pretty much everyone in town has been in here already today. Seems everybody's found an excuse to come in and _browse._" laughed Howard.

"Why's that?" asked the detective, ears tuning in on possibly useful information.

"Oh, local gossip."

"What's gone on here in this teeming metropolis lately that's got everyone's attention?" asked Danny, hoping it only sounded like a casual question.

"Nothing much really. Just a couple of local kids stayed out all night in the rainforest and got everyone worried. Well, everyone but their parents anyway. Those little punks have never had much supervision and it shows."

"Sad." opined Danny as he began to fiddle curiously with a screwdriver/ratchet/flashlight thingy in a display on the counter that had a sign stating a price of six-ninety-five each. It was actually pretty neat. If he had any extra cash, (which he seriously doubted), when he left here, he'd buy one.

"Stupid kids had the misfortune to run into a wild boar, probably the same one that tried to eat Houdini."

"Houdini?"

"Uhh . . . Kip's rabbit. Got chewed up last time he escaped and lost most of one ear. Anyway, the kids staggered back into town this morning covered in blood; some of it theirs and some of it the pig's."

"Did they kill it?" asked Danny, horrified that such creatures even existed in the same state as his Gracie.

"Uhh, don't umm . . . don't know for sure." stammered Howard, looking somewhat uncomfortable as though he regretted relating the story in the first place.

"Exciting stuff." said Danny, not missing the man's discomfort.

"Yup, those critters can be really dangerous."

_Watch goats, wild boars . . . what's next, Godzilla?_ thought the detective with a small shudder. He remembered Steve's and Chin's tales of the wild pigs that roamed the islands. He'd thought they were only trying to scare an ignorant haole but maybe not.

"How bad were they hurt?" he asked trying to put the potential danger to his baby out of his mind.

"Not too bad. Benji had a couple deep cuts on his head and face and another couple on his legs. He bled like a stuck pig though. Keanu . . . uhh Rabbit, only had some minor scrapes. They looked scared shitless." smiled Howard

"Bet they won't wander off again for a while."

"Woudn't count on it. Those little punks aren't the sharpest tools in the shed and stupidity has a pretty long shelf life." laughed Howard.

"Well, lucky beats stupid I suppose. At least now they'll know when to be afraid."

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Quotes regarding stupidity are attributed to Frank Zappa and uhh, maybe Napoleon or Dolly Parton, can't remember.**

**References to wild boars were not stolen from a recent episode. The critters were already roaming around in my head before I even saw it.**

**If you'd like to do a gift exchange, remember that sign over my desk: 'Will Work for Reviews' - They make nice gifts to emotionally needy writers.**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS! (You can substitute the celebration of your choice if you like.)**


	30. Resistance is Futile

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 30

**Okay, here is a very late update. No excuses. Hope the jumping back and forth in time isn't too confusing but it seemed to be the best way to tell the story. Perhaps I shouldn't have drunk that tea from one of Kip's recipes before I wrote this chapter. Imaginary Beta also drank some before she took a look at this so please try to ignore the errors if they don't actually make you lose sleep.**

**Thank you so much for all of your reviews, comments, alerts and favorites. They were the best Christmas presents ever! I hope you lovely people had equally as lovely holidays and that the New Year is kind to you.**

**Disclaimer: I was hoping to find them sitting under the Christmas tree but Santa must have misplaced my e-mail (again). He also misplaced the one about my wishing to own the show and make money from this. Maybe I'll have better luck with the Easter Bunny.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Resistance is Futile

**Last night:**

They'd only made it as far as being able to see the lights of the village when it attacked.

Steve whirled when he heard it explode out of the foliage with a sound somewhere between a fierce squeal and a growl. The huge boar knocked him aside like a discarded ragdoll and aimed straight for Benji and Rabbit. With a squeal of his own, Benji turned to run. Rabbit, as though rocket propelled managed to spring upward to grab the low branch of a kamani tree that overhung their path.

Having been thrown into the thick undergrowth, Steve's breath left his lungs in a whoosh as he hit the muddy ground. Lying dazed for a moment, he could hear the loud screaming as the boy was impacted by the thick bony skull then louder still as the sharp tusks raked over him.

Still gasping for air as he came to his knees, Steve grasped the heavy handle of the K-Bar he'd stuck in his belt and lunged toward the boar that was doing its best to dispatch its victim.

Rabbit sat frozen on his serendipitous perch as he watched the animal barrel into his friend like a porcine freight train. He'd seen the tall man knocked ass-over-teakettle into the brush and was surprised when he'd sprung back up with the big knife in his hand and rushed the enraged boar that seemed to be locked on target - said target being the unfortunate Benji.

Steve felt the blade skitter over the boar's bristled hide. Though the heavy knife cut deep enough to cause significant bleeding, he was unsuccessful in deterring the fearsome creature. As he stabbed at it again and again, it didn't seem fazed by his assault.

Wheezing loudly as he exhausted himself in the fierce but futile struggle against the easily three-hundred pound embodiment of murderous ferocity, Steve was beginning to tire in spite of the rush of adrenaline that fueled him.

Finally, the boar had enough of the man slashing at him and with a glow of malevolence in its small eyes, it swiftly swung around; now abandoning its original target to re-focus its rage and charge the man holding the knife.

….

**Today:**

Danny climbed into the battered pickup as Howard turned the key. It's engine came to life with a smooth purr. The hardware man noted the surprised look on the haole's face and smiled. "Ua Kane helped me get this old thing running like a top. He's pretty handy to have around."

"Ua Kane?" asked Danny

"Uh huh, that's what Kip calls him. It means Rain Man."

"You're talking about the guy who showed up here a few weeks ago? Now I'm not sure if it's the man I'm looking for because for at least the last year and half he's been trying to get his old man's Marquis to run for more than ten minutes at a time. Maybe we're not talking about the same guy."

"No, it's him according to Kip. She's sure it's the same guy. She's just not sure about you yet."

Danny wasn't really surprised by Howard's statement and didn't reply. He knew the woman was being protective. Even though it was frustrating, he guessed it was a good thing his friend had someone looking out for him.

The next few minutes of the drive through the sparsely populated central part of the island were silent. Danny wanted to ask the man more of what he knew of 'Ua Kane' but was positive the guy wouldn't say anything until he was ready – if ever. Then, without warning, Howard suddenly swerved to pull off to the side of the road.

This was unexpected and kind brown eyes or not, Danny's hand started to go toward the gun clipped to his belt.

Noting the haole's move toward his weapon, Howard only regarded him with amusement; a smile coming to his tanned face. Cutting the engine, he sat evaluating the man sitting beside him on the cracked leather seat. There were dark circles under the blonde's eyes and serious signs of worry and fatigue creasing his forehead. There was also more than a hint of anxiety the man tried but failed to hide.

The shopkeeper scrunched his brows into a thoughtful expression and pursed his lips before speaking. "Kip said you're only looking for this guy because he's a friend and you're worried about him?"

"Yeah." breathed Danny as he ran both hands along the sides of his hair trying to smooth back the errant strands that had lost their shellacked hold in the dampness. "He's got us really worried. He took off without saying where he was going. We've been looking for him since."

"What did he do?"

"You mean what kind of work did he do? He was a cop, still is, if that's what you're asking."

"No, what did he do that's making him run?" asked Howard, hoping the answer wouldn't reveal anything involving violence or that could put Kip in danger.

"Look, Howard . . . ," said the detective with an unconscious show of anxiety as his hand once again brushed at his hair, "He didn't do anything illegal and whatever harm he's caused - if he's caused any – wasn't intentional. He just . . . has a few problems to work out."

Danny searched the older man's face for any sign of hostility but saw only worry and concern displayed on the lined countenance. "He's in the Naval Reserves and he'd just come back from deployment. He was pretty stressed and he just sort of took off on his own one day and we haven't seen him since."

"I see." said Howard noncommittally. Early this morning, it had finally dawning on him what Kip saw in the guy; why she was being so protective. Why hadn't he seen it before? _I'm such an idiot!_ he thought.

Then, knowing there'd probably be hell to pay from Kip, he decided to come _somewhat_ clean. This poor haole looked to be at about at the end of his rope and it wasn't fair to keep him in the dark if he was such a good friend to Ua Kane. It wasn't fair to either of them but Kip had known or intuited something about the tall man she hadn't told him. Something he knew had to deeply affect her and she wasn't yet willing to give him back to his ohana.

"Detective, I know you're very worried about your friend. He must be very special to have such good friends."

"Yes, he is and yes, we are." said Danny with utter sincerity. The hardware man's tanned face looked to be a mix of ethnicities; not fully a local but not a haole either. Danny realized in his focus on finding Steve, he'd neglected to even ask Howard's last name. People on the islands, Chin Ho Kelly for example, were often of mixed ancestry and last names weren't always the definitive answer to knowing what it was. _ Very different from Newark, _thought the detective. There weren't that many people there with Asian features and Irish surnames that he knew of. Then, there was Max Bergman . . .

"I know Kip saw something in him that I didn't recognize. I only saw a drifter who had no business here. She saw someone who belonged. I don't know how, but she's kind of freaky that way. I know the locals call her a witch but she's just very, very perceptive. She knows he's a good guy. At first I doubted it myself. When I finally came to the same conclusion I realized the man's been hard-used and its badly affected him. To be honest Detective Williams, I don't think leaving here right now is a good idea. It might make _you_ feel better but I don't think it will do _him_ any good. I think maybe he needs Kip right now and I think maybe she needs him."

"So, you're not going to tell me where he is?" asked Danny face hardening in frustration.

"I can't. I don't think he wants to go back yet." said Howard actually looking apologetic.

Danny didn't have a reply. Of course Steve didn't want to return to Oahu but he had to get help. There isn't anything here that will get him back on his feet. There isn't anything that will help him cope with whatever he'd seen that pushed him over the edge. He had to convince them, (Kip in particular), that Steve needed to return to his ohana before he could fully heal.

"Look, Howard. I know he probably doesn't want to go home but he needs to. I know you people have helped and I sincerely thank you for that. I know that you all have only the best intentions but Steve needs to get professional help. He needs to come home and do that then get on with his life and get back to work."

Howard didn't say anything. He just looked at Danny with his kind, sad eyes and seemed to be thinking something over.

Finally sighing deeply, he said "I'll talk to Kip. Give me a call in the morning."

"Thank you."

…

**Last night:**

The ferocious animal rushed at him again, its hooves digging into the soft ground, snout casting frothy spittle mixed with blood as its deadly tusks sought to annihilate its opponent.

With the move of a bullfighter, Steve stepped aside at the last millisecond and with both hands drove the knife in up to its haft between the boar's shoulder blades. The animal seemed to pause in mid-charge, its momentum carrying it another few feet, before it collapsed in its tracks. A thud shook the muddy ground as its huge bulk came to rest.

His respiration now composed of wheezing gasps, Steve cautiously moved toward the beast to make sure it was truly finished before he turned toward the youth who was now groaning in pain on the ground not far away.

"Is it dead brah?" asked the boy still perched in the tree.

"Yeah, it's dead. Get down here and help your friend." panted Steve still trying to regain his breath.

Rabbit obediently dropped to the ground and hurried toward his groaning friend. "Shit!" he murmured as he saw the blood covering Benji's face and head. His legs didn't look too good either.

"Take off your shirt and tear strips to make bandages." ordered the tall man. Rabbit looked up at him and was startled to see that he too seemed to be covered in blood.

"You need bandages too?" asked Rabbit rather timidly, appalled at the crimson apparition. _Shit! The guy really does look like someone from a horror movie!_

"Not my blood." was the clipped answer as Steve momentarily closed his eyes trying not to pass-out or allow his stomach to give up whatever its meager contents.

Rabbit's rudimentary knowledge of first aid told him that even slight cuts on your head could bleed quite a bit. His friend's legs had seemed to take quite a beating too. There were several deep lacerations there as well needing to be bandaged. Benji had stopped moaning and had grown quiet.

"I think he might be dead, brah!" Rabbit said in alarm. The tall man leaned over to check the pulse point beneath Benji's slack jaw.

"No, just unconscious but we have to get him to some help. You done with those bandages?"

"Yeah, almost." answered Rabbit, brow knitted and the tip of his tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on wrapping the strip of cloth around his friend's deeply lacerated thigh.

As soon as the last of the bandages was tied-off, the tall man motioned to Rabbit to assist him in getting his friend at least somewhat more upright. With much pushing and pulling, they'd accomplished getting the bulky youth into a sitting position. With Rabbit bracing his friend from behind; Steve then bent down and grunting with effort, lifted Benji into a fireman's carry. He wordlessly set off down the trail toward the village. Rabbit meekly followed the weary and still almost breathless man who carried the once again groaning burden down the hill.

After witnessing the horrific battle with the wild boar, to say that Rabbit was freaked-out was an understatement. Though still nearly terrified of his rescuer, he wordlessly trailed along behind as they set off toward the village.

…

_This seems so familiar._ He could smell the blood that seemed to cover him from head to toe. The man he carried was covered in it too. Its strong metallic smell was mixed with the faint smell of urine.

The bright moonlight that now shone fully down on them as they emerged from the trees abruptly became even brighter sunlight. He could feel it glaring down on him; could feel it scorching through his clothing.

_Of the team of six, they were the last two survivors. This op was FUBAR from the git. They'd been made before they even left base; been sent here on bad intel as unwitting sacrifices._

_For a while Heidegger had been groaning but now he was silent._

_Looking up, he blinked his eyes as the flaming orb burned into_ _his retinas. He had to get Heidegger to a place where he could stop and do a better job of patching him up before he bled out. There had to be a cave around here somewhere. He staggered under the load; he was so tired; they'd been walking for so long now. When they'd last stopped to rest; sweating and flushed with fever, the wounded man groaned "Kill me or at least give me a gun to do it myself. I'm not gonna be taken by those bastards!"_

"_I'm not killing you and I'm sure as hell not leaving you. Don't even think about it!" he answered tiredly, "We're getting out of here."_

"_Get real you crazy bastard." chuffed Heidegger then added softly, "I know I'm not going home. I'm shot to hell. Can't even feel anything below my waist, think maybe I even pissed myself."_

"_Just shut up Heidegger. I'm getting us out of here."_

"_You're a fool if you think we're getting out of this one Doggie."_

_He wasn't going to leave him. He was going to get them out of here._

…_.._

Rabbit could hear the tall man muttering something like he was having a conversation but Benji was again silent and dangling limply over his shoulder. Okay so the haole really is lolo. Not surprising. A guy who runs toward someone shooting at him and then rescues the ass of that same person by charging at a hehena wild boar is definitely crazy. Not that he's not grateful mind you 'cause if they'd been alone when the boar had attacked . . . well . . .

They suddenly came to a halt. There were voices coming from down the hill.

The tall man stopped in his tracks to listen, his unbalanced load nearly toppling him. "Keanu! Benji!" he heard. "Where are you guys?" He could see lights moving up the hill. _Who are they? When did it get dark?_

"Keanu! Where are you! Your mom wants you to come home! She's worried!"

His fear now all but forgotten, Rabbit hurried to stand in front of the man carrying his friend.

"Brah! That's my ohana! They're looking for us!"

"Ohana?" repeated the dazed looking man, Benji still slung over his shoulder and now groaning loudly.

"Yeah, brah. You can put Benji down now. He's a mess but they'll carry him from here. You don't look so good either. Maybe you should sit down."

"Okay, yeah . . . they'll come get him . . . "wheezed the tall man looking confused as he swayed under his burden. Rabbit had thought maybe he'd been hurt too but with all the blood who could tell? He helped lower Benji to the ground.

"It's okay brah, they'll take you guys to the hospital on Molokai." he told the blood-covered and heavily breathing man.

"Hospital! No! No hospital!" loudly exclaimed the tall man panic in his voice.

Rabbit backed away, startled by the strong reaction. _What the fuck? _"Brah! Chill! They'll take care of you. Just sit."

"Hospital?" was the dazedly repeated word as the man swayed unsteadily.

"Uncle Apona!" Rabbit turned to yell down the hillside in reply to one of the searchers whose voice he recognized. "Over here!"

"No! Not again! No!"

"Brah, they're coming for us. Sit down before you . . . " before he could even finish the sentence the man had disappeared back into the forest.

….

He ran on wobbly legs. He wasn't going back! They weren't going to capture him again . . . all the blood . . . Heidegger was dead . . . He had to get someplace safe.

…

Kip and Howard looked wide-eyed at the ghostly figure that had appeared dramatically in the doorway. His eyes suddenly rolled back and he collapsed in a soggy heap on the linoleum. They managed to carry him to bed and could do nothing but wait for him to wake and explain.

…

**Today at dawn:**

They stared at the door he'd just exited.

_What now?_ What were they to believe? With the report of the missing boys and knowing it was likely the very same who'd shot at their friend and killed Marilyn . . . with all that blood on his clothing . . . _What now? _thought Kip.

They were both in shock. There was a frightening amount of red staining his clothes. The rain had probably even washed some of it away but Ua Kane still looked as though he'd nearly bathed in it.

What now?

….

"Howard! Howard!" she repeated to get his attention as he stood staring after the man who'd just walked out the back door. "Is there someplace you can take him? How about that old place your uncle use to live in? Isn't it not too far from here?"

"Kip! Did you even look at the guy? He's covered in blood. We don't know what he did. If it's not his, then whose is it?"

"He wouldn't do anything to anybody - at least not anybody who didn't deserve it."

Howard thought the woman herself didn't even look all that sure of the truth of her statement. "Kip, even if he hurt someone who did deserve what was coming to them, it's still illegal to kill people! We have to turn him in!"

"No!"

"Kip, he's not Joey! You can't save him!"

"I'm gonna try!" she said, tears shining in desperate eyes.

The two stood in the middle of the dawn-lit kitchen in a standoff.

She looked so determined, so willing to put everything she had into salvaging the wreck of a human being who'd wandered into her life on that turbulent day. He already knew she wouldn't be dissuaded.

Closing his eyes and nodding his head in reluctant agreement, he said "Help me get him back to my place and I'll take him to Uncle Richard's house. He cursed himself for giving-in but sometimes dealing with Kip was like that line in one of his favorite television shows 'Resistance is futile'.

The two exited the back door to go toward the pasture where he waited.

…

He saw them coming to get him. The small sturdy figure and the taller slightly stooped one were trudging across the pasture toward him in the early morning light that slanted in golden rays across the tops of the wild grass.

He knew he was going to be locked up again. He knew he should be. It's what you did with killers. Well, at least in the normal world anyway but his world hadn't been normal in so long maybe he didn't know the difference any more. Maybe killing was all he knew. It certainly seemed to be what he was good at. It didn't matter. Nothing did.

They stood before him backlit against the rising sun. He didn't even bother to look up. He would just go along with whatever they said because nothing would change. Nothing anyone could do would change the fact that he didn't belong here; that he didn't belong anywhere.

"You have to go with Howard boy." he heard

"I know" he said in a flat voice from where he sat against the tree.

Howard was taking him to the authorities. He would break his promise to himself. For now, there would be no attempt to escape. He'd fooled himself into thinking he could be among the living - that they were safe from him. The proof they weren't was now oxidizing into a dull rust color as it stiffened the cloth of his shirt and pants. He could even feel it coating his skin.

It was time to make it stop. Time to get it over with before Danny could find him. It wouldn't be fair to his best friend, his brother, if he waited to be found only to be lost again so quickly. He'd go along with Howard for now but then he'd find a way to make the pain stop.

Howard put his hand on the muscled arm which made the tall man flinch but not pull away. Their eyes locked for a moment and Howard saw only apology in them as he allowed himself to be pulled up into a standing position.

Coming to stand in front of her Ua Kane, Kip put hands on either side of his face. She looked into the ocean colored eyes and they looked back at her with emptiness. Not the emptiness of thought but the emptiness of hope.

Once again, her heart was broken. Once again, she saw a young man locked in the darkness; the prisoner of his past, the prisoner of a place he'd never left and would never leave him. Once again, she was going to try to help him to escape it and, once again, she was utterly terrified she would fail.

"Stevie" she said "We're going to sort this out. We're going to help you."

It didn't even register that she'd called him by his given name. As the dark eyes looked into his he saw her concern and kindness. Was there also fear? She should be afraid of him. He was certainly afraid of himself.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Was going to go for the big reunion in this chapter but it would have made it about eight-thousand words long and my attention span would not allow it. Not to worry; the guys will be reuniting SOON.**

**Please let me know what you think of this chapter. I know Christmas is over but think of your reviews as early birthday gifts**.


	31. Coming Clean

Shallow Grave – 31

**Okay, here's the next and it's an extra long one. Rewrote it several times. It may not be quite as much of a reunion as you were expecting but the next chapter should take care of that. Just don't hate me for this one.**

**Reviews would be most welcome – good or bad – I'd like to hear your thoughts. Mistakes can be blamed on Imaginary Beta – you know how she is.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing even remotely connected to this show ever belonged to me however I'd like to send ninja cats to Hawaii so they don't feel the need to wrap themselves around me like a flea-bitten throw. Actually, I may have to accompany them.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Coming Clean

**Early yesterday morning:**

Steve allowed himself to be shepherded to Howard's pickup. He sat quietly staring into his lap as Kip leaned into the window to give him a bundle of clothing. "Here" she said, "You have to change those clothes before someone sees you." When he didn't reach for it or say anything she just tossed it next to him onto the seat.

There was nothing to say. He'd killed somebody - it wasn't in the line of duty, it wasn't to save anyone, it had nothing to do with being a cop. He thought he couldn't fuck-up his life any more than he already had but . . . guess what. He couldn't even remember who he'd killed; friend or foe?

For now, he'd go along in whatever direction they wanted until he could stop it. He didn't want to do that to his friends. They wouldn't be okay with it but it had to be done.

Kip stood watching the old truck pull away and turn right onto the dirt road. Howard was taking the back way to his place otherwise he'd have to go through town to get there.

There'd been no time for conversation or goodbyes. Hakoda or maybe someone he'd called in from one of the other islands would surely be here any minute. They had to take him to the cabin deeper in the woods then maybe they'd have time to find a way to sort this out.

She knew in her heart that Ua Kane wouldn't survive being locked up. There was no way a spirit as restless and unsettled as his could endure confinement. Her husband had been that way and maybe her son too. Of course, Joey had chosen his own kind of escape.

….

Flashes of sunlight alternated with shadows that played across his closed lids as the ancient Chevy bounced along the dirt road that ran through the forest. The vegetation was less dense on this side of town. This was dryland forest where trees were taller and sparser resembling eucalyptus and were sometimes interspersed with black acacia. It was very different from the seaward side of the village.

This was a bad dream. There were so many of those these nights and days. Where did they end and reality begin? Once again, his head filled with the swirling thoughts and scenes he had no control over. It was like watching television when someone else had control of the remote. Nothing seemed to stay in his mind for long before another and even more frightening thought took its place. He had no anchor. He was a danger to his ohana. _Hell, he was a danger to everyone._

Lost in his own pondering, Howard said nothing as he steered his way toward his place_. What were they going to do with him? Could they keep him hidden until they_ _could find out what had happened and then try to find a way out of it? What if he really had killed those two idiots? What would happen if Kip couldn't save this nearly destroyed man? What would it do to her if she failed?_

…

She busied herself cleaning up the stained bedding and mopping the red watery splats off the floor. Everything had to be washed with bleach or disposed of and then she had to get rid of the bleach smell. She'd watched too many of those forensic investigation programs and she knew they'd come looking any minute now.

Ua Kane had to be the number one suspect in the disappearance of those two kids. The altercation in front of Howard's store and the very fact that he was a stranger were going to point anyone investigating this straight to him which of course would mean she should be expecting a visit from the law. There were no secrets in such a small population. _What had she gotten herself into? What if he had killed those kids?_

_He hadn't, _she decided_, he couldn't. _

….

The tall man made no indication he was aware they'd reached their destination as Howard shut off the engine where he'd parked under the trees behind the house. He waited for the man to react but he only sat staring blankly out the mud-spattered windshield.

"Hey! Ua Kane?" said Howard to get his attention. "We're at my house. Let's get you cleaned up before we go to my uncle's cabin. There's no running water there so I assume you'll want to get . . . all that off you." he gestured toward Steve's stained and stiffened clothing almost with a shudder. _How could the guy stand to be in clothing that, besides having to be uncomfortable was like a billboard pointing to what he'd done?_

"What?" asked Steve looking confused before realizing he was at an entirely new location. He slowly climbed out of the vehicle and looked upward at the towering trees shading the yard then the tidy wooden structure beneath them. "Your house?" he asked.

"Yeah, let's go inside and get you cleaned up. Kip sent some clothes with us so you can change."

Steve followed the older man into the back door. Like Kip's house, the door led directly into a small kitchen. Unlike Kip's place, it was as neat and well-organized as Steve's own.

"The shower's in there." said Howard, gesturing toward the bathroom off a small hallway that led from the kitchen as he handed Steve the bundle of clothing. "The towel on the rack is clean." he added.

When Steve made no move, Howard sighed and said, "Come on boy, you have to get rid of those clothes." and pulled him toward the bathroom to help remove the remnants of a violent night.

…

He spent a long time in the shower. Even though the water was set as hot as he could stand it, he felt cold. The blood had soaked through the thin fabric of his shirt and dried to a sticky film. It required some effort to scrub it off. Howard had finally called through the door to make sure he was okay.

"Yeah, be out in a minute." he quickly called back. He scrubbed harder trying to erase every trace of the night; every trace of his very probable madness.

"We'd better get going as soon as you're out of there. I've packed some supplies." called Howard once again.

"In case I don't get to tell you Howard ", he called back as he quickly dried off and pulled on his clean clothes, "thank you for everything you've done." He paused a moment as he pulled on his t-shirt, "Please tell Kip for me too. Tell her . . . tell her I'm sorry."

The older man paused as he stuffed another can of tuna into the knapsack. The words chilled him.

…..

When they reached his late uncle's ramshackle cabin, Howard had come in long enough to show him the layout. There wasn't much to see. It looked as though it hadn't been used in quite a while but other than the thick layer of dust, it was tidy.

The old wooden structure was nestled deep in a copse of trees on a small rise. Steve noted the location would be defensible with the right weapons. He snorted at the thought. He'd be gone before any law enforcement showed up at this isolated place.

As the older man finished the short tour of the essentially one-room structure he turned to say "Boy, you stay safe. Don't do anything stupid." he warned with a frown; his face seeming to have acquired even more lines in it since just earlier this morning.

"Stupid?" asked Steve

"Yeah, you know what I mean." said Howard almost harshly, "Kip's been through enough. Just remember that."

Now, Steve only looked startled as Howard opened the door and stepped out into the shady overgrown space that used to be some sort of front yard. He left the younger man staring after him.

"We'll come see you tonight. Just stay here until we get a chance to straighten things out."

_How do you threaten someone who has nothing to lose?_ thought the hardware man as he walked toward his truck. He could only hope the troubled young man cared as much for Kip as she cared for him.

….

Other than the essentials one would need to survive, there wasn't much here. Restlessly prowling the cabin, he found a couple of ancient issues of _'Reader's Digest'_ and a guide to _'Fishing in the Rockies'_. He smiled faintly at the irony of being stuck in the middle of a forest in the middle of a sparsely populated Pacific island and yet he could learn how to fish the streams of the Colorado mountains thousands of miles away. Well, no matter. He'd never get there.

He took the forgotten box cutter out of his pocket and laid it on the table.

…..

**Today:**

Danny sighed and stretched out in the small but comfortable bed. Finding a room, (an affordable one), had proven to be impossible. He'd been on the phone the entire drive to Lanai City. He'd just about been ready to give up and tell Howard to drop him off at a park somewhere so he could sleep there when Kono called. Kamekona had come through with the name of a relative who was willing to put him up for a few nights.

Danny always marveled at the hospitality of the people here. Something like this, (letting a total stranger crash at your home), happening in Newark would be a rarity. Here, it was well . . . almost normal.

The evening prior, Howard had paused to have a brief conversation with the residents of the large white clapboard house on the outskirts of Lanai City before waving him goodbye and driving off.

Danny had been greeted in the flower filled front yard by a woman who was nearly as large as Kamekona himself. She welcomed him inside and showed him to a small room where he set his overnight bag. He gathered that the brightly decorated room belonged to one of her kids - a girl no doubt judging from the bright pink walls and the Justin Bieber poster that hung opposite the bed. Briefly wondering once again what anyone saw in the kid with the tortured hairdo, (and totally missing the irony of his own shellacked coif), he had a pang of longing to see his Gracie. Despite being only nine, she always managed to make his world a much happier place. This daunting search had taken a lot out of him and seeing his daughter in person would help lift despair he'd begun to feel. He knew she missed Steve as much as he did.

During dinner that evening with the large, (in all ways), and effusive family, he learned that besides being related to the shrimp truck mogul they were cousins of Malu Maluhia, Kip's late husband. They'd asked him how he'd come to know Howard and joked that the older man may as well be considered a relative even though he and Kip hadn't tied the knot.

He knew Chin and Kono's clan was large but he hadn't been fully aware of Kamekona's vast familial connections. He was certainly grateful it existed otherwise he'd be sleeping on the hard ground in a park somewhere and everybody knew how he felt about camping. _God only knows what crawls around on the ground at night, _he shuddered. The big man's network of people on the fringes legality had come in handy too many times to count but he never thought he'd need something like this from the entrepreneur.

"So, Malu is the man with the patch over one eye in the picture at Kip's?" he asked in a pause between what seemed endless courses of the evening's meal.

"Yes, that's Malu. He was a very very brave man and he fought hard for his country. Poor thing came back with many scars." stated the woman named Nanala.

Danny immediately thought of the man he was trying to bring home; the man whose scars weren't just on the outside.

"We miss him. We miss Joey too." The large woman's eyes, which heretofore had held only the joy of sharing a meal with family and a new friend, now held another emotion.

"Is Joey the younger man in the other picture? Nice looking kid." said Danny, noting the sorrowful expressions on the faces around the table who were old enough to remember back a few years.

Nanala, noticed his nearly empty plate and automatically served him another more than generous helping of roast pork. _Thankfully, there's no pineapple involved_, thought Danny even though he was grateful for such a delicious, (and filling), meal.

"His real name was Lihau, it means gentle rain, but we always just called him Joey. Joseph is . . . was his middle name. He was Malu an Kip's only son, their only keiki."

"If you don't mind my asking," said Danny, who'd noticed the entire table had grown quiet, "What happened to him?"

He didn't want to upset his hosts but his 'detective's instincts' had prevailed. They'd been kind enough to put up a stranger and having yet to convince Kip and Howard to take him to Steve, he may need a place to stay for at least a couple more days.

The entire table had grown quiet, even the children. There were at least nine people seated around it not including himself.

He'd already decided to drop the subject before Nanala spoke again. "Joey had come back from Iraq really trashed. Not physically but the other way. One night during a bad dream, he hurt Malu; broke his nose when he tried to wake him. Joey went away from home right after that. We heard a couple years later that he'd been killed in a fight on the mainland."

"I'm so sorry." said Danny sincerely. "That must have been very hard on everyone."

"He'd always been so sweet before then. It really wrecked Kip. Malu said she never spoke of him as being in the past, of 'a hiamoe - death."

"She's still waiting for him to come home!" a boy of about twelve or so spoke up. "Now that whole stupid village thinks she's lolo."

"Maybe she is but that woman is still one of the nicest people in the family." said Nanala sadly as she glanced at her son in reproach for blurting out Kip's secret troubles.

"Yeah, way nicer than you." volunteered her husband with a smile trying to lighten up the conversation and possibly keep his son from further reprimand.

Nanala had only given her spouse and son a look that made them suddenly get very busy with their food.

…

He'd gotten a ride from yet another relative of Kamekona's to the small cottage with the halfway painted porch.

After stopping at the feed store on the way here, what he'd heard from the proprietor had greatly disturbed him - the stranger everyone knew was staying out at Kip's place was a suspect in the disappearance of the two kids. It made finding Steve all the more urgent. If the local authorities got interested, it could be dangerous for everyone involved.

Danny was unaware that what the clerk didn't yet know was the missing youths had been found alive. Keeping a secret like that on the island was not an easy task but both Rabbit's and Benji's families had flirted with the edges of the law in the past and were well-versed in such things.

As the compact detective made his way toward the front yard he took a deep breath and hoped this would be a more productive visit. This time he was prepared for the greeting committee. His pockets were full of whatever treats the clerk recommended for goats, geese and rabbits, (though if he'd asked Kip what the goats preferred, she'd have told him to buy a chair cushion). He figured he already knew what dogs liked and bought a box of milk bones.

As they rushed toward him, he threw out a couple handsfull of goat and goose goodies along with a few alfalfa thingamabobs for the rabbit. The dogs immediately pounced on what he threw in their direction. He reached the steps without incident.

"Hah!" said Kip from where she stood after she'd come out to see who'd rung her 'doorbell'. "They've already got you trained and it's only your second visit."

"Yeah" he smiled up at her, "And we think we're the smart ones."

"Well, come on in before they realize you aren't an unending fount of treats and decide to eat the clothes off your back."

As the animals were occupied with what he'd thrown them, he quickly hopped up onto her porch before they did realize the treats were not unending.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" she asked, knowing full well what the detective wanted.

Danny once again sat in the woman's kitchen. She handed him a cup of tea as she settled in the chair opposite.

"We, uhh, still need to talk about Steve." he said as he took a sip of the herbal brew, carefully setting the cup onto the table so as not to disturb the unfinished jigsaw puzzle. He noticed the pile of unsorted pieces had diminished a bit and wasn't as large as yesterday. The smaller piles on the other side of the table looked undisturbed.

"I told you I don't know where he is." she said without any hint she was disturbed by his statement of intent as she took a sip from her own cup.

"I think you're lying." he said bluntly hoping she wouldn't decide to pitch him out into the yard to be eaten by her menagerie.

She looked somewhat surprised by his honesty but didn't dispute the statement. She stared at him for a long moment without saying anything.

He waited.

"Why should I tell you where he is?" she finally asked as though reading a question on some kind of scripted test. Actually, he supposed it was a test.

"Because I want what's best for him. Because I want him to be safe and well."

"How do you know that it's not best for him to be here? How do you know that he isn't safe here?"

"I heard those two kids were missing and that he's the suspect. I don't know what may have happened but if Steve is involved, it can't be good. If he did harm someone, he needs to get help – professional help. If he did something he shouldn't have, he will have to deal with the law and his ohana has the best shot at keeping him out of jail."

"He didn't hurt anybody and you know he probably doesn't want to go back. If he did, he'd have already contacted you. I have a phone right here. He could have called you at any time. Hell, he wouldn't even tell me his name, I had to give him one like I name the animals."

Danny only smiled at that. He'd once compared Steve to the character from the movie 'Rain Man' during a discussion of his partner's control issues.

"He's like one of those damaged creatures you see out in the yard. He doesn't trust anyone, maybe not even me." sighed the woman as she took another sip of tea.

Just then, her phone rang in the other room. She was going to let the answering machine pick up but it was Howard's voice that began leaving a message: _'Kip! I just found out about Rabbit and Benji! They . . . '_

The woman moved surprisingly quickly and rushed into the next room to snatch up the receiver. Danny heard her intentionally muffled response to the man on the other end of the line. Even listening closely, he could only make out "Yeah, he's here." before the click of the handset being returned to its place.

Kip walked back into the room, face composed and almost serene. She plucked the empty kettle off the stove and went to the sink to refill it.

With her back to him she said, "That was Howard – a little late with the news but he's just found out about those two idiots. It seems their families didn't want to let anyone know their 'darlings' were safe until they'd checked with Hakoda to see how much trouble they're in."

"So they're safe?" breathed Danny obviously relieved at the news.

"Yeah, Rabbit's almost unscathed but Benji's been sent to Molokai to the hospital. He's gonna be okay too."

"Great. That's good news."

She continued, hoping the little haole didn't notice how shaky her hands had gotten. She supposed it was from the incredible relief. She could feel tension drain out of her muscles. "Apparently, only Benji's in serious trouble, mostly for theft and firearms stuff. I guess murdering a cow and attempting to kill a dog are only considered 'property crimes'." she said tightly.

Setting the now filled kettle on the flame, she added, "Ua Kane liked Marilyn. He told me once that she had big brown eyes like his girlfriend."

"I hope Steve never actually tells _her_ that." replied Danny trying not to laugh aloud out of deference to Marilyn, "Cath may not be pleased being compared to a cow." (Though he wouldn't put it past his sometimes clueless partner to do such a thing).

As she returned to her seat, Danny looked her in the eyes, his own pleading with her. "Kip, it's time for him to come home and get his life straightened out. He has to face whatever sent him on this miserable journey. You know that."

"I know that he needs me. I know that I'm the only one who can reach him right now."

Danny hesitated this time. He still had one more card to play. He was reluctant to use it. He didn't want to cause this obviously caring woman any more distress than she'd already been through.

"Kip" he said softly, "Steve isn't Joey."

He heard the small intake of breath but her expression didn't change.

"I know" she said softly and then standing suddenly, she said through gritted teeth, "Get out!"

"Kip . . . please." He said making one last try to reason with her.

"You can't have him! Just get out!" she yelled, tears now welling in the dark eyes.

Sighing, he stood and walked toward the front door.

….

Danny had made it out to the front porch having left Kip standing in the middle of her kitchen. He felt really bad about upsetting her but he had to get to Steve. This couldn't go on. There was only so much time he could devote to the search before Dennison would call his bluff and have a 'come to Jesus' meeting with the team. He could tell the man knew something was up and it was only a matter of time before their formidable governor did something about it.

He was just about to step down into the yard when the 'doorbell' began to sound. Looking outward, he saw a young man and an older woman standing on the far side of the greeting committee.

Kip came out to the porch; wiping her eyes and managing to ignore him.

"Keanu!" she said, genuine happiness in her voice then "Get back you little bastards!" as she yelled and clapped her hands to make the greeting committee back off. It startled the boy and the woman into a frantic retreat before realizing Kip was only talking to the animals and they retraced their steps.

As before, the menagerie quietly parted to let the visitors walk through. _Still like that creepy Hitchcock movie, _thought the detective who'd backed up onto the porch to let the visitors come forward.

"Aloha nui aloha!" greeted Kip as she ushered them forward. Pursing her lips and hesitating slightly, she gestured for Danny to join them.

With curiosity, he followed them into the kitchen.

"Keanu, what happened to you?" Kip exclaimed as they found seats around the table, "Where's Benji?"

"Benji is in the hospital on Molokai, Mrs. Maluhia."

"Was he badly hurt?" she asked setting her mismatched cups onto the table and coming back with the teapot and a bowl of sugar.

"Nah, he'll be okay. Just whiny is all."

"So, what brings you here?"

"We, uhh, we came to thank your friend."

"My friend?" questioned Kip though knowing who they meant.

"Yeah, that skinny haole, the one you call Ua Kane." said Rabbit's supposedly tattooed mother though no inked adornment was visible at the moment.

"Why are you thanking him?" interrupted Danny now totally unable to stifle is curiosity.

Both Rabbit and his mother looked first at Kip as though to get her permission to speak to the stranger.

"This is detective Williams from Five-0" she said before making an impatient gesture with her hand to bid them to continue.

"He saved our asses brah!" declared Rabbit to this new haole. "Benji wasn't trying to shoot him, honest! He only meant to shoot the cow and that dog."

The youth then abruptly paused, realizing he may have said too much - to a cop no less - before looking downward in shame. He apologized in a soft voice, "I'm really sorry about your cow, Kip . . . uhh, Mrs. Meluhia."

"Rabbit is here to help you bury her." said the boy's mother looking sternly at her son.

"How did he save you?" asked Danny now that the apology was over.

Eager to relate the exciting tale, his eyes bright with remembered battle Rabbit began: "It was awesome brah! That boar coulda snuffed our asses! He kept it from offing us when he jumped on it with that big knife!" the boy's hands began to wave about and gesture in a physical narrative of the fight by making slashing gestures with an imaginary blade. "It was really pissed! Benji was already a bloody pile and had peed himself too! The haole got knocked into the brush but he came up fighting! He slashed at it . . . " here, the youth again made movements in illustration, "and it didn't even notice! Finally, he put that knife right between its shoulders and it dropped like a load of bricks."

Both Danny and Kip were too astonished to say anything.

Rabbit continued: "I thought he was hurt too but I didn't get to check 'cause he took off before Uncle Apona caught up to us."

"Apona's my brother." interjected Rabbit's mother.

"The man who rescued you, the kama'aina," he was careful to correct, "where did he go?" asked Danny now eagerly leaning forward in his chair.

"Don't know brah. He just ran off into the woods. He had blood all over him, looked like a fucking slasher movie!"

"Keanu!" his mother warned regarding his use of the 'F' word though the other language in his relating of his rescue didn't seem to faze her.

"Sorry." he automatically apologized.

….

Danny sat in the kitchen waiting for Kip to return. She was seeing Rabbit and his mother off. They'd made arrangements for Marilyn's burial later in the day. Delia, Rabbit's mother, had promised to have her brother bring his skiploader to assist them.

At least he knew Steve was near. The kid said he didn't think his rescuer had been injured but Danny knew it would be unlike his friend to admit to a stranger, (or pretty much anybody), that he was hurt. He knew he would have to hang-in and convince Kip to give him up. She obviously wasn't someone he could bluff. She was too sharp and too tough for that. He smiled sadly at the thought of this little woman protecting the big bad SEAL. His friend was struggling and things had been turned upside down. Surely the old woman would realize Steve needed to go home to his ohana and the people qualified to help him.

Kip came slowly back into the room. Danny noted that she looked tired. Why is it that anyone who comes into contact with his 'Leap first; fuck the questions' friend always winds up the worse for wear? He should have known that a man who could get him shot on his first day on the job could cause havoc anywhere he went.

"Howard called me this morning to say that he'd spoken to you." she began without preamble as she once again took a chair across from him. "He said that you were a good guy and only wanted to help your friend and that you were the one who could get him the help he needed."

"I only want the best for him. You have to believe me." he pleaded. The detective could see her beginning to waver. Maybe he had a chance.

"I'll take you to him but only if you promise not to hurt him."

Danny was astonished at her statement. "I wouldn't hurt him. He's my best friend, I would never do anything that would hurt him."

"I know you wouldn't do anything intentionally but sometimes we think we know what's best for our friends even if it isn't."

"What do you mean?"

"If Steve doesn't want to be found, there must be a reason."

"Kip, there's something that happened to him that he won't tell us. Something that's the key to his issues. It's what he's afraid of. It's what keeps him from coming back."

"I think what keeps him from coming back is that he's afraid of you."

"What! How can you say that? Has he told you he's afraid of me?"

"No, he hasn't but what I meant was he's afraid you'll make him remember before he's ready to. He has nightmares."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. They're intense and leave him a wreck."

"He's not ready to deal with them yet. You have to give him time. He'll know when he's ready."

"Kip . . . I don't want to scare you, really I don't, but he has to want to stay alive long enough to get to that point. I . . . I don't think he wants to. He's too close to the edge."

Kip only looked stricken now. She knew what he was saying. She'd seen it but didn't want to acknowledge the possibility that Stevie could do something like that. She'd been there before. Joey had the same look when he'd left. The same look that Ua Kane had when the truck had pulled out of sight.

"I'll call Howard. We'll take you to him."

…

The cabin was eerily quiet. Dust motes slanted in through the grimy windows. It looked as though no one had been here for a long time. Kip could tell when someone was in a room even before they made themselves known. There was an energy in the space. Perhaps it was just a heightened physical awareness she had but she didn't think so.

"Steven?" called out Danny as he searched the dark corners where the light didn't reach.

"Ua Kane?" asked Kip to the dark room.

There in a corner, Danny could barely make out the form of someone sitting on a small bed. There was no answer to their calls; the figure wasn't moving.

"Steve!" breathed Danny in recognition as his eyes adjusted to the dim light. "Steve!"

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**You may recognize some of your input incorporated into the story. I'm sorry I couldn't move this along faster but I feel it has a rhythm that, if broken, wouldn't do justice to the subject.**

**Any comments you'd like to make would be much appreciated.**

**ETA for next chapter is about five to seven days and will have the long promised reunion.**


	32. Rattle

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 32

**Here's the next. There's a very strong warning for this chapter: PLEASE DON'T READ IF THE SUBJECT OF SUICIDE IS NOT FOR YOU.**

**Agonized over posting this but it's where 'the force' or whatever lead me. Some of it was written during a fierce migraine so that may also have been a factor.**

**A million thank-yous for your comments and listings. I appreciate them all and take none of them for granted. Please let me know what you think of this. I'd love to hear from you and you don't have to be nice if you don't want to. Imaginary Beta did her best but she had a headache.**

**Disclaimer: Hawaii is imaginary - right? Once can't own an imaginary place - right? If I could own it, ninja cats would have their own island which they would share with husband. I promise to visit every Monday and Thursday, (No, scratch that. Mondays I have a date; even if it is only imaginary).**

***5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0***

Rattle

He recognized the sound of the old Chevy as it pulled up outside. He'd know that purr anywhere. He and Howard had made it run as though nearly new. The tinny slam of its doors preceded the startling sound of Danny's voice. The instant flash of relief was quickly overridden by the flash of panic that overtook it and his skin began to prickle despite the numbness. Here were the very people who shouldn't find him. Not now. Not this way.

He didn't want to hurt them.

The dimness of the cabin was pierced by the broad shaft of pinkish yellow light that invaded it when the door creaked open. He could see the outlines of three people as they cautiously entered the space.

He heard Danny call his name, then Kip's voice as they progressed slowly into the room.

"Steve!" breathed Danny as he peered into the dimness toward the corner. "Steve!" He'd never heard his name spoken with such relief.

…

"What are you doing here Danny?" came the low soft voice. It wasn't a friendly one. Danny tried to ignore the goosebumps that coursed over his skin as he recognized it as the one Steve used to intimidate suspects. Though spoken nearly in a whisper, it held all the menace of the rattle of a snake and it was directed at him.

"Hello to you too." said the detective to the shadowy figure.

"Go home." was the response.

The detective stopped his advance toward the cot. "Actually . . . I uhh . . . came to bring _you_ home" stated the blonde. This wasn't the reunion he was hoping for.

"What makes you think I want to go home?" asked the voice as the very air in the cabin seemed to grow frigid.

"You have to sooner or later babe. May as well make it now." was Danny's simple statement.

"No . . . I don't." was the unwavering answer.

"Ua Kane?" asked Kip

"Kip, why did you bring him here?" asked the voice. "What made you think I wanted to see anybody?" Steve didn't sound angry but he made it known he was far from happy about the unexpected arrival of his partner.

"He's only worried about you and to be honest, so am I." she answered, apparently unaffected by the darkness behind the question.

"You don't have to worry." was the quiet reply from the shadows

Danny spoke up, "I think we do, Steven. I think that when you took off, you left behind all sorts of things to worry about. We've been dancing as fast as we can to keep Dennison from finding out about your little disappearing act. Kono and Chin are totally freaked out. Gracie asks every day 'Where's Uncle Steve' and every day I lie to her. You know I try really hard to always tell my daughter the truth but how can I tell her that the man she cares about is hiding from everyone who cares about him?"

"None of you need be concerned about me and you must know by now that Gracie is better off without me around – certainly she's safer. I'm sure you have your own issues to worry about."

"Issues?" said Danny, his voice registering astonishment. "My only issue right now is getting my best friend to realize that he's not alone in this world and that he needs to let his friends help him."

There was no answer this time so the detective did as he always did . . . he kept talking.

"Do you remember you'd promised to see someone at Tripler to get this sorted out? Do you remember that you left Esquivel's office in a huff and bailed on that promise? Never since I've known you, and I'm betting not in your entire life, have you ever gone back on your word. You want the chance to correct that?"

Again, there was no answer from the darkness.

Danny, Kip and Howard again began to advance toward the corner of the room.

"Don't come any closer." said the voice and again Danny could almost hear the rattle of warning.

"Steven, we need to help you. We need to make sure you're safe. No one is going to hurt you. If you don't want to talk, that's okay. We can wait until you're ready." said Danny softly while continuing to slowly walk forward.

"No closer!" ordered the voice; steely and resolute.

"Ua Kane! Steven, please let us help you. You need your ohana right now even if you don't think so. You need help."

"I said no. Don't need anything anymore."

Danny knew they wouldn't stand a chance if Steve didn't want to go with them. He knew or rather, _had known_, his friend wouldn't hurt him but now he wasn't so sure.

"Steven, be reasonable. You can't stay here forever. You have to get back to your home, get back to your life."

"I don't have a life anymore. I lost the right to have one." was the soft answer.

"What do you mean?" asked Danny trying to at least get his friend engaged in some sort of conversation; the cold lump of dread that had formed in his stomach now threatening to migrate into his chest as well.

"You know . . . rabid dogs have to be put down before they hurt somebody."

"So now your comparing yourself to a rabid dog?" asked Danny in amazement but still trying to draw out his friend.

"I've hurt someone and . . . judging from all the blood on my clothes . . . I've probably killed them."

"Ua Kane! Those boys you chased into the forest are okay. You didn't hurt them! You saved them from a wild boar. Most of that blood was from the pig."

There was a longer pause this time.

"Doesn't really matter now."

"What do you mean?" asked Howard who'd remained silent up to this point. The foreboding he'd felt before he'd left the man alone last night now in full force.

"Steven! What do you mean?" demanded Danny as he slowly edged another inch closer to the bed.

The voice trailed off without finishing the sentence " . . . 's too late . . . "

…

**Earlier:**

A shaft of light, one of the last ones to invade the cabin before the sun was too low to slant in through the trees, made the red bead glow as from within. He watched fascinated as it grew larger and began to trail down his forearm to gather again on the ends of his fingers before becoming too heavy to remain suspended there before it released to plumet to the floor.

It hadn't even hurt. He'd only made the one experimental cut. Without piercing his skin this time, he traced the knife over the vein's pathway to the crook of his arm. Once again, his body was numb. Since he'd come back he'd thought perhaps the drugs they'd given him in the hospital had caused it. Now he knew it was only his own tangled mind that made him cease to feel anything other than the coldness that wouldn't leave him.

Now, he knew what had to be done. He was sure of it. He'd only fooled himself into thinking he could exist among the living when, deep down, he knew he belonged with the dead. _It's funny how people can deny things that are so obvious, _he thought as he watched another drop of crimson gather this time on the tip of his index finger before falling away to join the others.

He picked up the carton cutter once again and with a steady touch, his finger followed the blue road under his skin before finding just the right place.

….

It had only taken a few minutes for Howard to arrive to pick them up. All he had to do was gather up his keys and lock the door. There was no neon sign to turn off because neon would have been a waste in such a small town. Everyone knew where the hardware store is; just as they knew the only place in town to get groceries was the small mom-and-pop across the street. No one had to advertise because there was no competition. Living in such a small community had its advantages and disadvantages. One of the more annoying was that nothing remained a secret for long.

Kip and Danny were waiting on the cushionless porch swing when he pulled into her yard.

As Danny helped Kip into the truck to settle on the seat between himself and Howard, she asked worriedly, "Detective, you really think he'll do something to himself?"

"Please, call me Danny. We need to be on a first name basis if we're going to present a united front to our friend to get him to cooperate. He's stubborn. It's apparently genetic according to Chin." he smiled, hoping she wouldn't notice he didn't answer her question.

"Who is Chin?" asked Howard, catching on quickly and interjecting before Kip could restate her question.

"Chin Ho Kelly is one of the members of our team. He used to work with Steve's dad - also a cop." answered Danny as Howard put the truck in gear. As it rumbled slowly out the gravel driveway onto the still muddy road he tried not to tap his foot impatiently on the floorboard. Being this close to reunion with his best friend was making him more than anxious. If they didn't get there soon it would be embarrassing to hyper-ventilate and pass out in front of people.

Still trying to distract Kip, Howard asked, "How many people you got on your team?"

"Just the four of us plus some additional help if we need it; we have the sometimes reluctant assistance of Honolulu PD if requested. The team consists of Steve, myself, Chin Ho Kelly and Kono Kalakaua. We . . . we're all pretty close, ohana actually, and have been looking for Steve for a while now."

Kip was far from unobservant. She knew Stevie was in trouble and recognized that Danny didn't answer her question. The tension was like a living thing that bounced along the rutted road with them toward their friend.

…

_She was there waiting for him._

_There was no apple this time; no baby; no blade; no screaming. Her eyes fastened on his. This close he could see the otherworldly fusion of colors in her irises: blues, greens, golds; like an ethereal kaleidoscope._

_She beckoned him with her long delicate fingers. Somehow, he knew she would take him to a place where no one begged to be released from pain and babies never died. It would be peaceful there; he was sure of it._

_This was his chance to find that for which he'd longed these many days. It had been his secret. The one he couldn't share because they'd try to keep him from it._

_It was a secret that had failed to remain with those buried in their shallow graves; those he'd failed, those he'd killed. Now, he didn't have to keep it any longer because he'd found what he'd been looking for and the memories would dissolve into the wind ghosting across the wild grass._

_He took her cool hand._

…

**The present:**

"Ua Kane?" asked Kip with alarm when they'd gotten no further answers. There was a lessening now of that feeling of nearly electrical energy in the room.

They approached the cot expecting to be warned away but there was no such response from the dim corner.

As he got closer, Danny suddenly caught the coppery scent he immediately recognized.

"Steven!" He rushed forward to grab his friend's arms. They were cold . . . and slippery. "Oh God, Oh God!" he exclaimed as he tried to rouse the man who was obviously no longer conscious, "What did you do you idiot! What did you do!" he yelled.

Kip rushed forward and began to get to work immediately. "Here Danny, put pressure right here!" she ordered as she took Steve's limp arm and pressed her fingers tightly at the crook of it while Danny pressed at the same place on the other arm.

"Howard! Tear this for bandages." said Kip brusquely as, one-handed, she stripped off her overshirt and flung it to her friend.

"You stupid, stupid sonofabitch!" yelled Danny, tears streaking down his face as his angry words belied his fear and the sound of ripping cloth filled the room as Howard hurriedly bent to his task.

Kip said nothing as she tightly wrapped the cotton strips around the crooks of the unconscious man's arms.

Howard found some matches and lit the dusty kerosene lantern that still sat in the middle of the table and had been there since he himself was a child. He remembered his eccentric uncle lighting it in the evenings only after it had gotten nearly pitch-dark in the small cabin.

In the flare of light, Danny could see that parts of the bedding had been soaked in dark crimson and a small puddle of it had formed beneath the cot.

"Danny, let's get him lying down so we can raise his feet. He's going into shock."

Too worried and angry to be gentle about it, Danny pulled his friend's limp body into a prone position. Howard brought a wooden box that had served as a makeshift shelf to set it sideways at the foot of the bed and lifted Steve's legs onto it. Kip, pressing her fingers to her friend's neck, found a pulse that was way too fast and not all that steady.

Danny stood back and almost unconsciously ran his hands through his hair before stopping himself. Kip noticed his horrified reaction to discovering the sticky coating on them.

She tried to assure him, "He's lost enough to knock him out but his pulse is still strong enough. If we'd come any later . . . " she didn't have to finish voicing the consequence.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid . . . " muttered the blonde as he stared down at his partner's too pale face, tears still running down his own cheeks.

"Come on," said Howard to the distressed man, "let's sit down for a minute."

Danny allowed himself to be lead to the other side of the room where the older man pulled a chair forward with his foot, not letting go of the detective's shoulders and guided him into it.

"How could he? How could he do that? Why didn't he come to us? We should have tried harder to find him. We could have helped. We could have . . . " Danny rattled on; fear making him nearly manic.

"Don't beat yourself up kid. He wouldn't ask for help. I've only known him for a month and I can recognize that."

Howard didn't really know how to react. He'd never had anyone close to him attempt to take their own life. He was really worried about Kip's reaction to this but she, so far, was all business. The young man Kip had adopted into her pack had a subtle disquiet to him that made the older man decide not to get too close; the way one would try not to become attached to a sick stray that may or may not survive long enough to become a permanent member of the household. But much as he'd tried, his decision to not form a bond hadn't been successful. After working together on the old Chevy for a few hours; it was as if they'd known each other for years. Neither was especially talkative and they'd worked together in comfortable silence.

Danny, seemed to rouse himself. Trying to clear the tightness in his throat, in a gravelly voice he announced, "I'm going to get medevac out here." as he reached into a pocket and pulled out his cell phone.

"No reception here." said Howard

"Of course not." was the annoyed response.

"Hold on Danny." said Kip, "I don't think he's in any danger. We've got the bleeding stopped."

He looked at her in near astonishment. "We have to get help." he said, hoping the woman wasn't going to put up a fight about it.

"Yes, we do but it can wait until we get him back down the mountain. I don't think the commotion of a medevac flight is a good idea right now to be honest."

Danny reluctantly agreed. Steve in a half-conscious state hearing a chopper would probably panic. That's the last thing they need right now.

"Let's wait until morning. He should be awake by then. Howard can go back to town and get a couple of sleeping bags and some medical supplies and be back within a couple of hours."

Danny considered the possibilities. The only other thing they could do would be to throw Steve into the bed of the pickup and haul ass back down the mountain to town then call medevac. Kip seemed confident enough that Steve didn't need immediate hospitalization.

"Okay, for tonight that's what we'll do." agreed the worried detective.

Howard immediately left for town. The sun was just dipping below the horizon as the truck bumped its way back down the mountain. He'd stop at Kip's first. Since most of her animals had come to her in varying degrees of physical condition and decrepitude, she'd stockpiled whatever was necessary to deal with their injuries or ailments. She had enough medical supplies to stock a small hospital.

His next stop would be at his store to pick up the sleeping bags and maybe another lantern. It would take too long to go all the way to his place to get them. He realized he felt a bit better at having a specific task. He was relieved Kip had Danny with her. The two of them were much better than he at dealing with this kind of stuff; the emotional stuff. Maybe that's why he and Steve had gotten along so well – neither felt the need to discuss how they felt about things. He realized now, maybe it would have worked out better if they had.

…..

When he awoke, he realized he was lying on something soft. It wasn't exactly a bed but it wasn't anything else he could think of at the moment. He slowly opened his eyes and looked around. He felt so incredibly tired. He could see light coming in from the uncovered windows. It was dim and could signal dawn or dusk.

Sitting up, which may have been a mistake because immediately it made him dizzy and nauseous; he could see someone wrapped in a sleeping bag on the floor next to him. Fighting the feeling produced by his change in position, he leaned to look closer and saw a bit of curly grey hair peeking out.

_Why would Kip be sleeping there?_

Looking across the room, he saw another occupied nylon cocoon and when the person in it turned toward him in sleep, mumbling words he couldn't catch, he saw the blonde hair and stubbled chin.

_Danny?_

His partner was sleeping directly in front of the only door.

Feeling a throbbing at the crooks of his arms and looking downward, he saw bandages and the memory of what he'd tried to do slammed into him.

***5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0***

**Next chapter in about a week. Things will get better, honest.**

**Let me know what you think. Should I have just chucked this one and started over? Was very very unsure of posting.**

**PS – Do you think the rating should have been changed to M? (another thing over which I'd agonized).**


	33. Dawn

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 33

**Here's the next. It's a bit short but wanted to get it out there before anybody wandered away. Still probably not the reunion for which you'd hoped but did my best.**

**Your response to the previous chapter floored me. I can't thank you enough for taking the time and effort to communicate your thoughts that help guide the direction and pace of the story. See! I do actually listen occasionally, (though husband will surely refute that.) Imaginary Beta didn't print this out to proof a hard copy as she usually does. She's really getting lazy, (and fat). Don't shoot her.**

**Disclaimer: Even though Hawaii is surely an imaginary place, not even imaginary money is made from this effort. I do however have an imaginary date with that tall guy with the tattoos.**

***5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0***

Dawn

Kip awakened at the sound of the cot creaking as Steve sat slowly upright and swung his legs to the floor.

Silently, she untangled herself from the sleeping bag; not wanting to awaken the man still wrapped in exhausted slumber on the other side of the room. Danny lay sprawled half-in and half-out of the nylon sack he'd strategically placed in front of the door.

It had been a late night and Howard had finally left for town long after the witching hour. He'd left Kip and Danny sitting at the old table in the glow of the kerosene lamp; engaged in discussion of how to best help their friend. Eventually, they had exhaustedly climbed into their sleeping bags as Steve slept on, oblivious to the anxiety and worry among those who cared about him.

...

The dim light stealing through the windows signaled the coming day. She yawned and ran her hands through her tangled mane before attempting to stand. Though she was in decent shape, her old bones didn't take kindly to resting on such a thinly padded surface. She rose; moving slowly until the stiffness worked itself out of her joints.

Not knowing whether to smile a good morning or not, silently she stood in front of the man slouched on the cot and tried to discern how ready he is to handle his return to the world. He wouldn't look at her. Without a word, she sat next to him and gently placed her arm around his shoulder.

She waited.

…

_He couldn't look at her. How could he? Why would Kip even want to talk to him after what he'd tried to do? He knew he'd caused her more worry that she'd ever deserved. And Danny? Well . . . Danny would **never** forgive him._ Steve strained to school his features into something that didn't look as though he wanted to cry.

They sat there side-by-side until the light became bright enough to easily see the interior of the space surrounding them. The only sounds were the creaks and cracks of the little cabin as its walls and roof expanded in the growing heat of morning and the bright but muted chirping of birds that had begun to flit about the trees surrounding it.

Kip had finally decided to take the initiative.

"Steven?" he heard from the woman beside him.

When he didn't respond, she only hugged him tighter to her. "It's okay Stevie. It's okay now." she said softly as she began to rub a comforting pattern on his back. Hearing the shuddering breath and feeling the trembling beneath her hand she knew her friend was struggling mightily to keep himself together.

They sat that way for a while longer as the soft rhythmic snoring from across the room where Danny slept drifted across the silence.

Steve immediately realized his astute friend had placed himself there to prevent him leaving. _As if I'm even capable of doing so,_ he thought disgustedly. Even though he'd probably been asleep for several hours; right now every muscle ached with exhaustion and his limbs felt leaden. Even sitting upright had been something of a struggle; never mind finding the strength to swing his legs over the edge of the cot.

He spotted the bundle of blood-soaked bedding and bandaging that had been discarded in the corner and the nausea he'd felt on awakening increased tenfold. Looking downward toward his bare feet, he saw the small oxidizing puddle that hadn't yet been cleaned off the floorboards. Raising his eyes he gazed in distress at the woman calmly seated next to him, she smiled gently back in reassurance.

Still without words, he looked across the cabin floor to stare at the man who'd strategically placed himself to block the only doorway. He knew he'd have done the same were the situation reversed but also he knew in his heart his friend would never allow himself to get this far down the rabbit hole.

He'd always envied the way Danny always seemed to bob up like a cork whenever the dark waters of turmoil broke over his head. Sure, it would cause the compact detective to rail loudly against the fates or whatever but he always seemed able to work things out in an emotionally satisfactory way. The only thing Steve could possibly even think would cause his friend to falter would be if something happened to his beloved Gracie.

_Would Danny understand the reason he'd done what he'd done was to protect those he loved; especially the child who was the very breath in her father's body? He didn't think so._

_Danny would never forgive him for what he'd tried to do and would fulfill his self-imposed duty to get him back to the hospital to be locked up and drugged again then wash his hands of any further involvement with the nut-case who'd tried to kill himself. He couldn't blame him; he knew he'd caused enough turmoil for everyone to want to be rid of him._

He and Kip continued their silence as the sun rose fully and began to creep in to fill the cabin with light. Eventually, one of the bright beams had slowly reached across the floor to shine directly into Danny's face. The blonde groaned and put a hand over his eyes as though it was a physical attack.

Startling himself awake, he chaotically untangled himself from the sleeping bag and sat up trying to find his bearings. Bleary blue eyes finally lit on the two figures on the cot at the other end of the room.

Kip, thinking she should leave the friends to reunite in private, stood up saying, "Going to use the facilities out back and take a bit of a walk. See you in a few minutes."

Danny scooted over to unblock the door to let her leave and then sat atop the nylon bag for another few moments. Groaning, he stretched a spine that protested a night spent on an unforgiving wooden floor by loudly popping and cracking. Carefully coming fully upright, he slowly made his way across the cabin to stop in front of the cot and look down at his friend who seemed engrossed in inspecting the congealing puddle on the floor.

He ran his hands through seriously sleep disheveled hair and cleared his throat. Not having the slightest idea how to approach someone who'd just tried to do the unthinkable, he took a deep breath and plunged in. "What the hell were you thinking babe?" he asked, (probably more forcefully than he'd intended).

Not getting an answer, the blonde continued quietly but emotionally, "You have us. You have me. Why didn't you ask for help? How could it have come to this?"

Still not even getting his friend to look up at him he went on, "Tell me what was going on in that head of yours." his voice caught as his throat tightened. _ Dammit, he didn't want to cry. He had no business crying right now._

"Steven, you scared the crap out of me and your friends. First you disappear and make us traipse all over the islands looking for you and now . . . ", Danny shut up before his worry launched into a rant that couldn't possibly help.

The tall man's only response was the nervous gesture of again and again rubbing his thumbs over his wrists.

"Talk to me babe, please. I'm here for you. As long as I'm breathin' I'll be here. I know you're scared. I know it's hard. Just talk to me okay?"

There was still no answer as Steve continued the compulsive gesture; wrists beginning to become reddened. Danny gently laid his hand over Steve's to get him to stop before he once again drew blood.

Startled at the touch, Steve pulled away and looked up sharply but stopped the unconscious assault on his skin. He swallowed and took a shuddering breath, trying to stop the emotions that seemed to be winning the battle despite his best efforts to quell them.

"I'm sorry." he muttered almost inaudibly; lowering his head and trying and failing to not resume the compulsive gesture. Danny's hands stilled his friends once again and once again, the blonde man's heart nearly shattered. "It's okay Steven. You're okay now. We're going to help you." he soothed; not even aware he'd slipped into the voice he used when his Gracie was upset.

They stayed that way for several more minutes as sunlight now flooded the space around them making everything seem to glow in golden warmth

_Maybe it's some sort of sign?_ thought Danny. For the moment, maybe Steve's demons had been banished by its rays and scurried back into the darkness. His friend had finally hit bottom and now, the only way was up.

Steve stared at the strong hand that now lay over his own. His eyes slowly followed the arm up to a face that held all the worry, concern and affection in the world and knew one small nudge and the dam would surely break. He couldn't do that now. He refused to let it happen.

Gathering himself, he looked into the pale blue eyes and said, "If you keep holding my hand like this, people are gonna talk."

Danny was first startled then annoyed then relieved at the words. "What? You think they don't already? How many people have asked if we're married?"

"Well" said Steve, pausing before he formed a small smile, "I guess I could do worse."

"Damn right!" answered Danny

….

Twenty minutes later, Howard pulled up to the front of the cabin. He felt like a coward leaving last night after he'd dropped off the sleeping bags and supplies but he couldn't imagine what he'd say to the guy. He really wasn't good at that kind of stuff.

His guilt was also about leaving the man alone after the premonition that all was not right even considering the circumstances. He felt bad for not trying to establish some sort of closer communication but he'd only been worried about Kip at the time. _Well_, he thought, _No one has ever accused me of being sensitive._ He knew in his heart that it probably wouldn't have made any difference but still . . .

Picking up the grease stained paper sack of breakfast sandwiches he'd gotten from the café before setting off to see how everyone at the cabin had fared, he exited the truck and climbed up the creaky steps. He certainly didn't envy Kip and the haole detective. It would have to be incredibly awkward when the boy woke up and realized what he'd done. Hopefully, things had settled down by now.

Just then came the angry shout from inside the cabin: "JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE DANNY!"

Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door.

***5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0***

Next chapter in about a week. Danny has some fast talking to do and Steve has some heavy decisions to make.


	34. Remembrance

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 34

**Here's the next. Not a whole lot happens but Steve's getting closer to going home. More things for our guys to work out before all is well in paradise.**

**Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for your reviews, alerts and favorites. May be able to wrap this up in a couple more chapters. Still some upsetting revelations coming up. Imaginary Beta was a little scattered today but she did her best.**

**Disclaimer: Don't make any money from this and my 'Hawaiian' shirt was actually made in Sri Lanka. So depressing. I guess the moral of the story is don't expect monetary compensation for something you'd do for free and don't read the labels on your clothing.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Remembrance

"DANNY LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

"Not gonna happen babe." was the calm reply.

For the last half hour, Steve and Danny had been 'discussing' what was going to happen now that the detective had caught up to him and was damned well going to make sure his friend got the help he needed.

Steve of course had no intention of returning to Honolulu for anything other than his agreed-to sessions at Tripler. His partner thought the fact the stubborn man had so quickly capitulated on going back to see Dr. Esquivel was either suspicious or testament his seriously screwed-up friend had finally realized it was probably his only chance to recover. Danny wouldn't relax until he watched Steve actually walk into Esquivel's office.

The detective firmly believed Steve would be better off at home where he would be in familiar surroundings and his ohana would be close enough to provide support should he need them or, said the annoyed subject of the heated discussion, _'Watch me like a hawk!'_.

Steve was adamant he would only seek counseling if he could seclude himself from the general populace, ('_the world of the living' he'd termed it if only in his head_), and stay as far away from family as possible until he felt he was no longer a danger to them – if ever.

Danny, of course, hung in like a pit bull. "Steven, can't you please see that you need to lean on the people who care about you? We want to be there for you and we'll be there for as long as it takes!"

"Can't **you** see that you all are better off without me around? Can't **you** see that nobody is really safe from me? What if I whack-out and hurt somebody again huh? Let me ask you something Danny", said Steve dark blue eyes fastened intently on Danny's face, "Do you honestly feel that Gracie is safe around me?"

When his partner hesitated, the tall man bitterly huffed, "Didn't think so."

His friend had called his bluff and he'd miserably failed the test. Ignoring the sting of realisation and pushing past it, the blonde said "Look, we've already established that you didn't hurt anyone okay! The only one you'd laid waste to was a wild pig on a campaign for revenge against anyone who'd ever eaten a pork chop!" Danny's feelings of guilt now serving to make him even louder and more agitated.

"Doesn't mean that I won't the next time! I can't go back to Oahu! Danny, don't you get it – I can't be around anyone! It's not safe! You obviously feel that Grace can't be around me!"

At this point, Danny felt the only defense was offense.

"You idiot! How do you know there's even gonna be a next time huh? If you get back to Esquivel and start on some meds maybe that's all behind you! Look . . . " he said, running his hand over his stubbled jaw before locking pale blue eyes with dark blue, "I want you to be able to make sand castles with my daughter again! I want you to be able to go out for a beer after work without worrying something bad is gonna happen and that you'll be responsible for it!"

Howard quietly put the paper sack onto the table and glanced at Kip who sat silently watching the exchange. She'd offered to leave the two alone to hash things out but Danny had motioned for her to stay. She thought maybe the detective felt he needed back-up.

The increasingly frustrated blonde, trying valiantly to control himself and not launch into a full-on rant; took a deep breath and calmly addressed the man who stood in front of him with arms crossed defensively but challenge obvious in his stance.

"Steven, if you come back with me we can get you the help you _know_ you need." said Danny, palms now upturned in a pleading motion and try as he might; frustration once again beginning to leak through his words.

"No! What you want do is make sure I'm locked up somewhere and drugged to my eyeballs so I can't make trouble for anyone!" was the heated response.

"THAT'S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!" yelled the detective, spectacularly failing in his attempt to remain calm; arms now flailing and hands jabbing the air in punctuation to his words; complexion reddening to illustrate the rise in his blood pressure.

Howard watched fascinated by the display as Kip poked him in the ribs and hissed, "You're starting to look like that damned cat. Stop staring!"

Once more regaining some control, Danny said in a much quieter voice, "Babe, the last thing anyone wants is to have you wander around like a zombie again. He paused to run both hands along the sides of his hair and blow out a breath, "I know that before you left we probably over medicated you but we were worried."

"Yeah, worried I was going to do something stupid and kill someone!" was the response as Steve angrily rose from the wooden chair he'd only a moment before settled in as the exertion of the angry debate exhausted his already minimal strength.

"YOU ALREADY DID SOMETHING STUPID, YOU MORON! YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF!" Danny couldn't help it, it just came out. As soon as the words flew out his mouth he wished he could catch them and stuff them back in.

Danny saw the brief flash of surprise and hurt on Steve's face before another took its place - shame. What should have made him redden caused him to pale; complexion looking even more bloodless if it was even possible. Steve fought to school his face into the one he usually showed the world; calm, controlled, emotionless. But Danny had known him too long and recognized the fierce battle within.

"Babe," exclaimed Danny, beginning an attempt to apologize for the hurtful words he'd hurled at his best friend. Steve just waived dismissively toward him.

"It's okay Danny", he said; voice one of tired resignation, "You're right. I did try but . . . managed to fuck that up too I guess." A soft chuff accompanied the self-mocking words. Suddenly, the lean man grabbed for the nearest support, latching onto the back of the chair nearest him and tightly closing his eyes.

"I'm good." he said automatically even though it was obvious even to himself that he wasn't. He knew it was blood loss that had caused the room to suddenly tilt.

In undisguised concern Danny said, "Will you please sit down! You look like you're gonna pass-out any second now and frankly, you're still too heavy to carry. SIT!"

"Still not a dog Danny." snapped his partner.

"Then stop barking and growling wouldja! We're only trying to help you! Aren't you tired of running? Haven't you realized yet that you can never run far enough or fast enough to get away from . . . this?" said Danny waving his arms in a vague gesture to the surrounding air.

Steve took a deep breath and opened glassy eyes as he tried to keep himself upright by tightening his grip on the back of the chair until his knuckles whitened. He could feel the wetness on the bandages around his arms once again and his head, which didn't feel all that great to begin with, was spinning as the black dots he knew were harbingers of unconsciousness began to float about in his vision like the contents of a lava lamp.

In alarm, both Danny and Howard took steps forward as Steve swayed. Kip quickly stood and moved swiftly to put her hand on his shoulder as she took his elbow to keep him from toppling over. "Time to change those bandages Ua Ka . . . Steven."

Way too wobbly, he blew out a frustrated breath and allowed himself to be settled into the chair on which he'd had a death grip.

She'd known not to hover; that was apparently Danny's job. Kip calmly laid out her supplies on the table trying not to show her heart pounding fear and worry for the man who only hours ago had almost succeeded in ending his life. She was actually amazed the man had managed to remain upright for so long. Anyone else would have collapsed long ago or would never have been able to even get out of bed in the first place. Stubbornness can sometimes help or hinder and right now, it wasn't doing this young man any favor.

"Come on Danny", announced Howard, "Let's go eat breakfast on the porch and get some air. There's coffee too. It's probably still even warm enough to be drinkable. Have to get it from the truck though, didn't want to spill it."

Danny shook his head and shot another worried look at his friend before agreeing to accompany Howard outside. He spun on his heel and marched toward the door muttering what may have been 'stubborn jackass' as he flung it open rather forcefully and stepped outside.

Howard grabbed a couple of sandwiches out of the bag and followed him. He felt he couldn't be of any help other than to try and calm the little haole. "See you in a bit." said the older man, adding in mock warning, "Steven, you play nice with Kip", (well _maybe_ it was mock).

Steve said nothing in reply; he just looked up at the older man in what seemed annoyance.

Kip carefully unwrapped the bandage on his right arm, lips thinning to a grim line as she inspected the damage her friend had done with the box cutter. Once again, she felt her throat tighten and her chest ache.

Steve was more than ashamed, more than embarrassed, he was absolutely and completely mortified. Now, he and Danny had aired it all in front of Howard and Kip.

They _should_ know he supposed, he owed it to them after all he'd put them through; especially Kip who'd shown him only kindness even though he'd done nothing to deserve it. He sat quietly with his arm resting on the table as she tended to his wounds.

"Stevie, you're going to need stitches on this. Probably on the other arm too." she stated as she blotted carefully at the now more slowly leaking wound. "I don't think it's going to finish clotting on its own."

"I've had worse." was his dispirited reply; too tired to notice her use of his childhood name.

"No, I don't think you have." she said as she used a thick wad of gauze to soak up the crimson that continued to sluggishly flow.

He looked up sharply at the woman who looked back at him with such kindness in her dark eyes it almost took his breath away. He swallowed the great lump in his throat as he looked down to inspect the damage he'd done to his arm. Blood still welled slowly from the rather precise cut. He detachedly realized he'd not even made the incision in the most efficient way to get the job done. If he had, he wouldn't even be here right now.

He raised his eyes keeping him arm motionless as she concentrated on her task, the tip of her tongue peeking out of the corner of her mouth in concentration. She swabbed the wound with an iodine solution that probably stung like a bitch but he really couldn't tell; the numbness was still there. She then applied an antibiotic ointment and a thick padding before wrapping it in another layer of gauze; taking care to bind it so as to minimally restrict movement in his elbow.

As he lifted his arm to make it easier to wrap the gauze around it, the memory came to him. All along he'd had the feeling he'd seen the woman before somewhere. There'd been something about Kip that made him trust her from the beginning.

"You're the one who put my elbow back in place!" he gasped in startled recognition.

"Was wondering when you'd remember." she smiled her eyes strangely wet as she looked up from her task.

"We'd gone hiking here years ago; my dad and me with another guy and his kid. I remember nearly falling into that canyon. I remember your husband and your son!"

Her dark eyes fastened on his. "That was a long time ago Stevie when many things were different for us both but you are still the same strong, brave boy you were then. You just kind of forgot it for a little bit."

Once again, he had no answer.

….

By late morning, they'd come to an agreement.

Howard would drop Danny off in Lanai City on the way and then he and Kip would take Steve to one of the doctors on the other side of the island. Hopefully the damage wasn't too severe and the medic could stitch-up the wounds at the crooks of his arms. Once that was done, Steve would come back to Kip's to stay until Danny could make arrangements to get them back to Honolulu and Dr. Esquivel.

Depending on how often the good doctor wanted to see him, Steve would spend all the time he could on Lanai. It was a compromise but it was better than nothing thought the little blonde. Getting his friend to agree to come back to Oahu hadn't been easy.

Danny knew his traumatized friend was very much afraid of being drugged and locked up again. He would do everything he could to keep his promise that it wouldn't happen. He was also afraid that should Governor Denning find out about the reason for Steve's sojourn on Lanai, his partner's career as head of Five-0 would be over. He didn't know about the military thing but if Five-0 wasn't an option . . .

It wasn't going to be easy but they'd be there for their heroic leader no matter what. He just had to get Steve to believe that he deserved his ohana's fierce loyalty and love and accept their help. He knew his friend's subtle but troubling paranoia was part of the disorder but he was so very frustrated with Steve's refusal to stay on Oahu.

As the old truck jolted down the mountain on the unpaved road; despite the padding of the sleeping bag he'd spread out on the metal bed, his backside felt every grain of sand over which they bounced. Kip had prevailed once again and made Steve agree to ride in the cab instead of being thrown to and fro in the back of the truck with Danny.

The diminutive blonde yelped as a particularly hard thump caused his ass to bounce off the truck bed and when he came back down, made his spine feel as though it had probably been driven through the top of his skull. He swore a blue streak at the impact that would surely leave a bruise.

As he gritted his teeth at another thump of his derriere onto the corrugated metal surface, he thought sourly, _At least Steve isn't driving_. _If he was,_ _we'd have been airborne by now._

...

Sam Denning wasn't a stupid man. He was the fucking governor of fucking Hawaii. He also wasn't a very patient man – he didn't have to be, (see above).

This game Detective Danny Williams was playing was getting old. If the head of his special taskforce, one Lieutenant Commander Steven J. McGarrett, didn't show up SOON, he was going to damn well find out why.

Even though the mystery of who had assaulted his friend had been solved and the mugger and the person who'd hired him, (unfortunately, the muggee's ex-wife), were now cooling their heels in jail, he still hadn't yet been able to contact McGarrett – and it was bugging the crap out of him.

This hide and seek couldn't go on. He was going to get answers if he had to threaten a shut-down of the whole fucking task force. McGarrett needed to get his ass in here NOW!

The greatly annoyed governor of the great state of Hawaii picked up his phone and punched in a number.

…..

The too deeply tanned physician carefully examined the wounds as his patient sat quietly. The scruffy man actually hadn't yet said a word. All of the talking had been done by the person he recognized as the eccentric woman who was his sometime 'competition' from the other side of the island.

Actually, he was okay with it. She patched up the people who couldn't afford his services anyway. There were plenty of fat, rich, sunburned tourists on which to ply his medical skills on this side of the island.

This guy looked kind of familiar though. He didn't seem like someone who would live on the other side of the island with 'those people'. Out of the corner of his eye he studied the dark haired man's aquiline features. _So familiar._

"You're lucky" he said as he put in the final stitch. "If you'd . . . cut all the way through the vein, I wouldn't be able to help you. You'd have had to be airlifted to a hospital that had a vascular surgeon available."

The quiet man only nodded in understanding.

"Working around farm equipment is dangerous," said the woman who'd accompanied his patient into the treatment room. "I'll make sure my hired man is more careful in the future, right Ua Kane?" she nodded toward the quiet man.

"Yeah, 'farm equipment'" repeated the doctor sarcastically. "You people do something stupid and then, when you can't pay for the consequences, expect to get treatment on the taxpayer's bill."

He was about to launch into one of his favorite lectures when he heard in a soft but chilling growl, "You'll be paid. Don't worry about it and if you don't knock off that attitude right now, we'll go outside and see what kind of 'treatment' _you_ can afford."

Startled, the physician looked open mouthed at the man who'd been silent throughout the entire procedure, never wincing or complaining at what should have caused him pain. The menace conveyed in his tone if not his words wasn't easily ignored. Perhaps it would be best to let his nurse finish this up.

"I'll let Alice take care of the bandaging and give you a tetanus shot and a care instruction sheet. You'll need to get the stitches out in a few days . . . any doctor can do that for you." he added.

The doctor looked flustered. The man he'd just stitched didn't sound like the people from the less prosperous side of the island. He'd infrequently dealt with, (and intimidated), them in the past.

_Wait!_ Now he knew where he'd seen the guy before, that voice clinched it. There'd been a televised press conference last year when the governor and his special task force had gone on camera to 'appeal' to the kidnappers of a couple of teenage girls. It was thought they'd been snatched by a white slavery ring.

The commander of the task force had vowed in that very voice to find and punish the kidnappers if the kids weren't returned unharmed. It must have worked because the girls were found shortly after that walking down a dirt road outside of town. They stated that they didn't know why they'd been released just that the guys who'd taken them looked really scared and couldn't get them out of the old house they'd been held in fast enough. Eventually the kidnappers had been apprehended and were now in Halawa for twenty-five to life.

He'd just patched up Steve McGarrett, the head of Five-fucking-0! He couldn't wait to tell his wife about it. Heather had connections who'd probably be very interested in the information. This may even go all the way to the governor which surely couldn't hurt his wife's position as VP of marketing for that close friend of Denning's.

Both Kip and Steve saw the startled look of recognition on the smug bastard's face and Steve felt another nail had just been pounded into the coffin of his career. This would surely get back to the powers that be and if he had entertained any fantasies about returning to work, they were now only smoke in the wind.

"Doctor Clay . . . Kevin," purred Kip. "I'll be sure to say hello to Delia for you. You know she still lives in that little house on Keomuku Road with her son. I'm sure you remember it." she said pointedly.

"Uhh, yeah" he stammered, face reddening under his tan. "I, uhh . . . I'll send in my nurse now." and he scurried away as fast as he could, calling over his shoulder as he fled the treatment room, "Good luck Mr. Ua Kane. Take care of those arms."

The tall man paid the bill with one of the credit cards he hadn't felt safe in using for the past month but now that he'd been found, there was no reason not to use them.

As they walked back to where Howard waited for them in the parking lot, Steve turned toward Kip with a relieved but curious look.

"Small town." she said with a mysterious grin.

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Next chapter may be the one that requires another warning - not sure yet but bad stuff is coming.**


	35. The Long Haul

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 35

**I know it's late. Despite my best intentions, once again the chapter became way too long and had to be split into two. Thank you for not abandoning the story and for your reviews and comments. You have no idea how much they mean to me.**

**I'm just going to come right out and ask you to please review this chapter. Self-respect went out the window when I realized I wouldn't sit in my usual place on the sofa because ninja cats looked so comfy there.**

**Disclaimer: Still waiting for the powers at CBS to realize they need to make us all writers, directors and crew. I myself will volunteer to apply the body make-up they've used to hide some of those tattoos – they won't even have to pay me.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

The Long Haul

Being back in his own house felt somehow strange. The same pictures hung on the walls, the dishes he'd left drying in the rack were still there, even the things he'd hurriedly left out on the bathroom counter: his comb, a tube of toothpaste, a can of shaving cream, were still as he'd left them. But it felt different somehow. Like the world had shifted and he hadn't gotten the memo.

As Danny put away the groceries purchased on the way back from the airport, the tall man wandered from room to room trying again to find his place in this house that had been his father's. He'd only been away for less than two months but somehow the large house wasn't right for him anymore. He didn't fit. His world had grown smaller and more compacted. The house seemed once again to be his father's rather than his own; he knew he was again a stranger to it.

What did feel like home was the ocean that slipped its cool arms around his body in glorious welcome as would a long lost love. As the water closed around him he could almost feel the disquiet leave his body.

He knew he shouldn't get the bandages wet but it had been so long. Kip's place had been on the northern part of the island where no actual beaches were within walking distance. The land ended at the towering cliffs overlooking Kolohe Channel and even if one could even climb down the jagged escarpments to enter the water they'd be dashed against the rough coral and cut to ribbons. Often, he would sit at the top of the bluffs and longingly stare at what for him was the very embodiment of serenity.

_At least this time, he put on some swim trunks first,_ thought the blonde man with a smile. In the bright sunlight, the detective evaluated his friend's appearance. Though still too thin, he looked as though he'd gained at least some of the weight back. He was brown as a nut and the scar that had been so raw looking a little over a month ago had faded so that it was nearly no more visible than the others he carried.

He watched as his friend quickly strode to where waves slapped sand then dove in to cut through them with ease. As Steve slipped through the water it was as though he belonged to the sea; a creature only temporarily bound to land.

Danny continued to watch as he swam out until he was only a small speck on the surface of the rolling Pacific. The blonde couldn't shake the thought that knotted his shoulders; the worry his partner may swim out too far into the blue expanse, too far for anyone to pull him from its dark grasp, too far for anyone to bring him back to shore if he let himself sink below the surface.

Try as he might, he still couldn't get over the moment that played over and over on an endless loop in his head - the moment he'd found Steve cold and unconscious on a blood-soaked blanket; the terrible fear his best friend, his brother, was gone forever.

But there was still the anger. Angry Steve had run, angry he hadn't come to his ohana for help before it had gotten that far, angry the man thought taking a knife to his veins was the only way out of his torment but, mostly, angry for not being able to help.

Steve's appointment at Tripler was tomorrow morning. Danny himself would drive him there and then wait for him this time. If the idiot ever again took off like he'd done the last time, he swore he'd just shoot the hyperactive asshole in the leg to make sure he couldn't get far. There was no damned way he was going to again organize a search party to scour the islands for the big jerk.

While Steve was in the water, Danny called Chin to tell them they'd arrived at McGarrett's and their leader was okay - for now. Chin, happy to hear the news, called across the office to Kono, "They're back." before breathing a huge sigh of relief. He didn't know the whole story but whatever it was he knew it wasn't something his friend would get over just by returning home but he was in it for the long haul – they all were.

Two days ago, when he'd gotten back to the house in Lanai City, Danny had immediately contacted Esquivel never even questioning he had to. Steve's doctor had to be made aware of how far his patient had gone and could probably still go if things didn't get better but he wouldn't ever tell anyone else what had happened in that cabin on Lanai. That was for Steve to disclose if he ever chose to do so. He knew the stubborn and reserved SEAL would never allow himself to appear that vulnerable in front of others if he could help it – even his ohana.

His next call had been to Cath to tell her Steve had been found and was going to be coming back to Honolulu. As she'd answered, he heard the hollow sound of voices conversing electronically in the background and assumed she was on duty. Quickly, he gave her the update knowing the lieutenant was probably even breaking rules to take his call. She thanked him in a voice dangerously close to one you'd hear from someone trying not to cry.

"It's okay Cath, we'll watch out for him. I'll try to get him to call you, take care."

Though Danny had never divulged to her any information about Steve's hospitalization for anything other than physical reasons, he was sure she knew what had happened. One of the things that had tipped him off was she hadn't asked that many questions about the stay at Quantico. For Steve to run and want to stay hidden from his friends, something was seriously wrong and it wasn't just physical. It would probably come out eventually. The two had known each other for several years and even Steve, 'You'd Have to Torture Me for Personal Information', McGarrett couldn't hide something like that forever.

Danny almost didn't envy their reunion. He wondered what story Steve was going to come up with. He hoped the man would tell her the truth – she deserved it more than anyone.

…..

The drive to Tripler was quiet and tense. Though Steve hadn't said anything, Danny could tell his partner was worried if not terrified. They checked in and took their seats in the waiting area. It wasn't very crowded today. There were only a couple of people there with them in the large sterile waiting room; one a grizzled man probably in his fifties reading a copy of _Road and Track_; the other, a woman in Navy uniform who nervously twisted a tissue in her hands and bounced a leg up and down. Steve didn't even seem to notice them.

They took their places on the far side of the room. After they'd settled to wait, out of the corner of his eye, Danny studied his friend. He knew Steve rarely sat all the way back in a chair, preferring to lean slightly forward as though to be ready for whatever may unexpectedly come their way. Right now, the man appeared ready to spring out of his seat to do battle with whatever twitched in their direction.

The only time Danny had ever seen Steve relax enough to actually 'lounge' was either on his own beach behind his house or when they'd had enough alcohol during one of the impromptu, after work, closed-case, get-togethers and not always even then. The detective wondered if Steve would ever feel secure enough to lean back in a chair. Maybe someday . . .

…

The tall man's thoughts rattled about in his mind as he again shifted nervously in his chair. _I know Danny already called to rat me out but what am I going to tell him? Esquivel said he's heard it all before. Hell, he probably has but how can I tell anyone what I tried to do? Only Danny, Kip and Howard know. I didn't die from blood loss, but this just might do it._

"Excuse me." said Steve suddenly as he popped up to walk quickly toward the door marked 'Restrooms' on the other side of the large waiting area.

Danny was startled but his friend was gone before he could even react. He glued his eyes to the door through which Steve had so hurriedly disappeared.

_What if Steve had changed his mind and was going to run again? What if there's a window to crawl out of? I know he needs space but . . ._ "Dammit" muttered Danny as he waited what seemed forever for Steve to return. After another couple of minutes, he pushed himself out of his chair and strode across the room to the door and pushed it open. Inside was a short passageway off of which were the two gender designated restrooms.

"Steve?" he called out as he slowly pushed open the men's room door.

There was only silence before it was broken by the sound of retching.

"Steven? You okay?" asked the worried detective as he saw that only one stall was occupied and there was no one else in the room.

"Give me a minute." came a panted reply.

"You need anything?" his voice echoed off the tile as he came to stand by the sinks.

"Just go 'way Danny. Don't need your help."

"I'll . . . I'll wait for you in the uhh, waiting room." said the detective as he retreated toward the door.

The only answer was the sound of more retching as Danny reluctantly went back to his seat.

Several minutes later, Steve emerged pale and spent looking. He quietly retook his place on the upholstered chair next to the detective who tried not to look at him in any way that would convey his worry.

The tall man looked over to his friend. "You didn't trust me huh?" he smiled thinly and before Danny could answer, he said, "Don't worry. Must have been something I ate at breakfast."

The fact Steve only had coffee that morning, decaf at that, and moved around the innocuous omelet on his plate in an attempt to disguise he wasn't actually eating, meant he was likely victim of his own nerves. Danny said nothing but was finding it really hard to keep his mouth shut – certainly nothing new of course.

Steve was saved from his worried friend's brewing rant when his name was called by the same army corporal who'd been there that first time.

He followed her down the long industrial looking corridor that reminded Steve of the ones at Quantico. He could feel his palms start to sweat and his heart begin to beat triple time. They stopped in front of the door whose nameplate read, 'Captain David Esquivel, MD'. The efficient corporal, a young and attractive cocoa hued woman with closely cropped hair and wire-rimmed eyeglasses opened the door and ushered him in.

"Captain Esquivel will be in to see you in a few minutes Commander. Just take a seat." she said as she placed a folder into the Plexiglas file bin attached to the outside of the door, letting it close automatically behind him.

It was the same office he'd been in previously. The miniature waterfall still burbled happily in the glassed-in jungle in the tank in the corner. He wiped his hands on his cargoes. The pants were new. He hadn't realized how much weight he'd lost and even with a belt to keep them from sliding off his hips, his old ones had a bit too much extra fabric billowing around his legs. He actually would have worn them anyway but Danny insisted he get new ones saying "Even for you, someone who spends all of maybe eight minutes, shower included, getting dressed every morning; those clothes are not going to cut it. I bet you don't even own a blow-dryer you animal!"

Since Steve refused to set foot in a store, Danny had called Kono to pick up a couple pair in a smaller size. The T-shirts were okay, they could be baggy without raising any concern they were going to slip off his body.

He'd thrown on a jacket too, making his partner raise his brows in surprise at the additional layer on a guy who'd always thought a lightweight shirt left unbuttoned over a Wal-Mart t-shirt was the epitome of style.

The jacket was necessary. The coldness had never left him.

After about five minutes, there was a soft knock on the door and Esquivel bustled in. "Sorry for the wait Steve. Got a little hung-up."

The tall man rose and came halfway to attention before he remembered the doctor telling him it wasn't necessary to do so. This time Esquivel just made the hand motion for him to retake his seat.

"I hear you've been out and about?" he began, his expression completely neutral.

"Uhh, yes sir. Had to get away for a bit." answered Steve, his face equally as unreadable.

"You feeling any better now?"

"Some."

Looking through the paperwork in the manila folder that he'd taken from the bin affixed to the door, he frowned briefly before looking up.

Steve detachedly realized the man truly did resemble Alfred E. Neuman. Besides the gap in his teeth he had a generous scattering of freckles on his olive complexion; a little unusual for that skin tone but not uncommon.

"You want to tell me what you did during your . . . sojourn?"

Steve shifted in his seat and tried to control his breathing. "I helped out around a friend's place. Painted, repaired things . . . stuff like that."

"Did you enjoy that kind of work?"

"Kept me busy."

Esquivel was hoping to get longer more detailed information from his patient but he knew with whom he was dealing. "Keeping busy is good. It's one of the recommended activities for people with ASD or PTSD.

Steve inwardly winced at the acronyms. _At least he didn't say 'people who are fucking crazy.'_

"Your friend Danny had called me a few days ago when he caught up with you."

Esquivel could see the immediate redness creeping into the tan complexion though the man's face revealed nothing.

The SEAL really wasn't surprised when Danny had called Esquivel. He didn't know exactly what he'd told the doctor. The next day, with his partner's permission, Danny was the one to make the appointment to come here and after he'd gotten hold of the appointment desk handed him the phone so Steve could confirm he actually wanted to see the doctor voluntarily.

Swallowing the lump in his throat; he asked, "What did he tell you?"

"What I need _you_ to tell me." said Esquivel his dark eyes not leaving his patient's face.

"I . . . uhh . . . I" Steve couldn't find the words to say it. He'd faced untold dangers during his career that would cause other men to retreat in terror but he couldn't get the words out of his mouth.

Esquivel sat patiently. He wanted to let the guy off the hook but he couldn't. McGarrett had to admit what he'd tried to do before they could go any further. It was too late and too serious an issue to be subtle about it and dancing around it wasn't going to help.

Emotions now played across the aquiline features though he knew the man struggled to rein them in.

The bubbling sound seemed louder now and filled his ears as though it was a rushing waterfall drowning out all other sound. He knew he had to say it aloud. Esquivel wouldn't let him slide. He needed to say what he'd done. His heart felt as though it was going to explode with its fierce pounding. Finally, he took a deep breath then blurted, "I cut myself. I tried to commit suicide."

Not hearing anything other than the water and his own harsh breathing as he tried to ignore the tightened band around his chest he remained with his eyes closed. The air stirred before him and when he opened them, there was a glass of water.

"Sorry it's not something stronger. You probably feel like you could use that right now." smiled the doctor.

"No" said Steve shakily as he reached for the glass. "Already done that. Didn't work out so well."

Esquivel retook his seat behind the desk and steepled his fingers like the bad guy in a spy movie. His expression serious, he said, "Steve you do realize what a good friend you have in Danny, right?"

"Yes" said the still shaky man, whose head began to pound once his heart began to slow.

"We should all have such people who care so much for our safety. Sometimes they even need to keep us safe from ourselves."

"Yes" answered Steve wondering where this was going.

"I know you feel your privacy was violated and your friends want to, I paraphrase, 'Lock you up and drug you to the eyeballs' but you know that's not right, don't' you?"

"Danny has a big mouth." said Steve his jaw tightening.

"Danny does indeed have a big mouth but he's probably the only reason you're still alive at this moment. You need to realize that your friends want to help you. You need to realize they care about you and want to make sure you're safe. Danny and your two friends on Lanai and now myself are the only ones who know what you tried to do."

"I'm sure it's in my file now for anyone else to read too." Steve bit out.

"No, it's not."

The tall man widened his eyes in an open expression of astonishment.

Esquivel solemnly continued, "If you want it to remain that way – undocumented and known only to you, me and your friends, you have to talk to me. You understand?"

"You . . . you're not going to document it?"

"No. I don't think what drove you to such a drastic act is an ongoing issue. I think once you deal with what happened during your last deployment, the flashbacks and nightmares will stop and you won't consider hurting yourself again. Whatever happened to you needs to come out. No matter how painful it is to remember it. You have to tell someone about it, preferably me, so we can help you through it."

Steve straightened in his chair, steeling himself to ask the question though he dreaded the answer, "You think there's a chance I can pass a psych eval again?"

Esquivel looked directly at him, his face serious, eyes unblinking, "I think that like many others, you were injured in the line of duty. While the injuries were certainly physical, they were also mental. We can recover from injuries, even that kind. You hope to return to duty; am I right?"

"Yes, I've lived all of my adult life in the Navy. I don't think I'd know what to do if I wasn't somehow connected to it."

"Are you willing to face what you have to? Somewhere during our next few appointments, can you tell me what happened?"

Steve locked eyes with Esquivel and after a pause gave his painfully honest answer, "I can try but whenever I begin to remember, it just sort of sends me off back to . . you know. That I can't recall what happened scares the crap out of me but it also scares me that if I do fully remember, I'll go somewhere I can't get back from."

Esquivel is pleased his patient is being so forthcoming. The young man is edging toward making the attempt to face it all head-on. Maybe it will work out for him, maybe not, but now he seems at least willing to try.

"There's a technique that may be of help to you. The jury's still out on whether it works or not but I've had success with it in the past. It's actually surprisingly simple but it's worked for others. In a few days, after another couple of regular visits, I'm going to schedule a longer appointment so that we can try it. I'm not going to make any guarantees. I won't lie to you Steve. When all is said and done, you may still not ever be able to return to active duty. It depends on how well this works and what you get out of it."

"But there's a chance?" asked the SEAL knowing it was best not to be too hopeful.

"I'll schedule an appointment. Don't miss it." admonished the doctor.

For the first time, he saw something instead of wariness and suspicion on the thin face; faint and tentative but it was a start.

***5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0***

**Hope to have the next chapter posted within four days. It will tell us what happened to cause Steve's meltdown, his meeting with the governor and perhaps a reunion with Cath.**

**So, so sorry for the delay in updating. Can't blame it on anything but nervousness about making the next chapter a good one.**


	36. Screaming

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 36

**Okay, here it is. Late again. No excuses.**

**WARNING: CONTAINS VIOLENCE OF A PARTICULARLY UPSETTING NATURE INVOLVING CHILDREN. IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS, ****DON'T READ****.**

**Disclaimer: The usual**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Screaming

In the half light of dawn, he jogged through the morning mist to catch his transport to Molokai.

Esquivel, for now, wanted to see him twice a week. At his own insistence - to keep from commuting in the enclosed space of an aircraft - he'd made arrangements to catch a ride on a 'pineapple'/fishing boat every Monday and Thursday from Lanai to Molokai then take the ferry to Oahu. Next morning he'd return to Kip's place via the same route.

The arrangement actually worked out for both parties. Steve provided whatever labor he could in hauling up nets and sorting the catch. Any other 'cargo', was safely stashed below deck before Steve even arrived. The tall man of course knew he was on a vessel that may occasionally transport minor quantities of locally grown 'herbs' but, at the moment, he wasn't in position to do anything about it.

Kamekona's cousin Ha'upu was doing him a favor. There were trades in life, some important, some not, and right now there were other things on his mind. When he finally reached Oahu, Danny would be waiting at the ferry dock. His friend would inevitably rag on him about making the Camaro smell like bait as they drove home so he could shower and change but it was only for show. He knew Danny was just happy to have him back (and have someone to bitch at).

The mornings were good. The afternoons and the sessions that turned him inside-out . . . not so much.

….

_Heidegger had long since stopped moving, stopped groaning, stopped breathing._

_Orders were barked and he heard the scrape of a body being dragged across the gravelly floor. He didn't dare to open his eyes but he could feel the void beside him. Even though the man had probably died hours ago, strangely, he still felt a sort of abandonment._

_Physically he felt nothing; just detached as though he was observing someone else lying beat to a bloody pulp on a damp stone floor. During the last of those beatings he'd felt things snap and break in his body but it really didn't matter because now he didn't feel anything at all - it would soon be over._

_He chanced to open his eyes to narrow slits and saw figures being herded into the cave. The light from the entrance blasted into the darkness and bounced off them in stark contrast to deep shadow as though he was watching some sort of film noire with its sharp-black and crisp-white edges; no grays._

_It was another group of women and children. He closed his eyes again. His thoughts drifted to Cath; her dark glossy hair and chocolate eyes. He'd never gotten the chance to tell her how he felt. He'd hoped she felt the same but, now, maybe it was better if she hadn't. She could move on more quickly if she'd never let herself feel about him as he did about her. Now, it was too late, but still, though he knew it was selfish, he hoped she'd loved him just a little._

_Light coming through his lids blinked and he heard a rustling. A woman's voice asked, "American?"_

_He didn't respond. He didn't think it was a trick but they'd use whatever they could to justify another beating. Then he heard another female voice cautioning someone about speaking to the prisoner. "It's dangerous". "Don't be stupid', it said in Dari._

_The voice directed at him just a moment ago answered in the same language, "All God's creatures deserve kindness." More voices in the background murmured, "Careful", "He's nearly dead anyway." and "You'll get caught."_

_He felt a soft, cool hand on his forehead and opened his eyes. He couldn't make out anything other than a dark outline against the light behind her. Realizing he was having trouble seeing her, she moved so her shadow was cast onto his face. When he focused, what he found staring down at him were eyes of startling beauty. Her irises seemed to contain every possible color swirling within them. Is she real?_

"_I'm sorry I have no water to give you. I'm sorry you are in pain." she said_

_He struggled to sit up and she put a hand behind his shoulder to help him. It was then he realized she had a child with her. It sat quietly on her hip and looked down at him with huge solemn eyes nearly the same color as its mother's._

_With her help he managed to come upright and lean back against the rough surface of the wall behind him. Her face wavered in and out of his vision and he again got the feeling she may only be a hallucination; perhaps some heavenly creature come to evaluate him before he slipped completely into nothingness._

_When he could focus again, he glanced toward the entrance. He knew there was always a guard sitting on the flat rock just outside the cave's opening. Usually he could smell the harsh tobacco smoke of the hand-rolled cigarettes his captors all seemed to enjoy._

_He looked down and was surprised to see that his feet weren't even bound. They apparently thought he wasn't even enough of a threat now to even try to run so they didn't bother. They just waited for him to die like Heidegger then they'd come collect his body and drag it out of the cave._

_Speaking in Dari he said, "Be careful." in a raspy whisper, "They won't like you talking to me."_

_He could feel the tenseness of the others in the dark space. He couldn't actually see how many there were but he could hear the restless unhappiness of children and the hushed voices of their mothers trying to comfort them._

"_This is all I have to give you." she said softly._

_He looked at the small piece of fruit drawn from her pocket and now held before him in her slender hand. It was a misshapen apple; small and withered._

"_I can't take your food." he whispered._

"_They will probably let us go soon. I can get more. It is the only thing I can do for you. I'm sorry I cannot make your pain go away. It is all I have to give you comfort."_

_Her eyes were so sad and sincere. Even though he felt no hunger, he reached toward it with his bound hands._

_Perhaps it was frightened by the dirty, blood-stained hands reaching toward its mother but, to this day, only God knows why the child chose that moment to shriek in terror. Loud and piercing, the screech echoed off the walls of the cave._

_The guard posted outside the entrance yelled into the cave, "Silence!" as they heard footsteps crunching toward them on the gravelly surface._

_She withdrew her hand and whirled toward the approaching guard, blocking his view of the prisoner leaned against the cave wall._

_The bearded man eyed her suspiciously; bringing his carbine up to point at her chest. "What are you doing!" he demanded_

_The woman didn't answer him but she didn't move from where she stood. The apple had been caught in the folds of her shawl when she'd dropped it. As the child squirmed, still screaming in fright, the tiny mottled sphere dropped to the ground, rolling and bouncing across the uneven floor to come to rest at his feet._

…..

"Steve! Steve!"

He heard someone calling him.

"Look at me!"

Breathing as though he'd completed a marathon, he blinked his eyes until the images before him faded and another took its place.

His skin felt damp and his ribs ached.

"You back?"

"Yeah," he answered, running a shaky hand through his sodden hair, "I'm here." He focused on the calm concerned face of the doctor, blinking as he shivered while sweat rolled down his neck to dampen his collar. He inhaled deeply before blowing out a shuddering breath and asked, "How'd I do?"

"Great, you did great." answered Esquivel. "This time you got all the way to the apple rolling across the ground before you froze. Even though I'd rather have you stay in the moment with me, this is valuable information for what comes next."

Steve nodded at him in acknowledgement, his breathing still a bit too much of an issue to hold a conversation.

"Let's take a break now okay?" said Esquivel in his calm reassuring voice.

Steve wiped a hand over his face and nodded. Over the past few sessions, he'd only been able to go this far and no farther. The doctor always pulled him back as he'd trusted him to do so.

"Can we end this session now?" Steve asked, feeling the nausea begin to overtake him again as his heart refused to slow its frantic rhythm.

Esquivel briefly evaluated the man in front of him before revealing a gap-toothed smile and answering, "Yes, of course. You done good compadre."

The tall man looked unconvinced; still working at slowing his respiration.

"Would you like some water?"

"Got any beer?" asked his patient with a small smile.

"I wish." said Esquivel, smiling broadly in all his Alfred E. Neuman, jug-eared glory. "In a couple weeks maybe we can wean you off the anti-anxiety drugs and you can indulge in some of that. Maybe I'll even join you."

They sat in calming silence for a few moments with only the faint bubbling sound in the background before the doctor asked, "Have you spoken with Cath yet?"

Steve looked down before sighing and reluctantly answering, "Not yet. I asked Danny to call her to let her know I was okay and would be contacting her soon."

"Patient woman." said Esquivel, an amused expression displayed on his freckled face.

"Yeah, we've, you know, had a thing for almost seven years now."

"_Very_ patient woman."

Steve smiled guiltily, "She's incredible really. Danny's getting on my case about it. Wants me to make some sort of official declaration that will define the relationship even though I think Cath and I are fine with what we have."

"You going to?"

"Dunno."

"That sounds like something to be handled in couples counseling." said Esquivel once again displaying his _Mad Magazine_ persona, "I can recommend someone if you like."

The startled expression on the tall man's face was amusing.

…..

The governor was not amused.

Steve had finally called him to set-up an appointment for a meeting. He had no idea how the man was going to take the news the head of his special task force had pretty much been 'out to lunch' for the past month.

As he'd done at least once before regarding interaction with Denning, Danny cautioned his friend about being 'too honest' with the man. Steve only responded with a withering look. He had no intention of mentioning anything like, you know . . . trying to kill himself.

The man was way too sharp to try to stall any longer. The phone call had been strained; his boss sarcastically inquiring, "Commander, are you now back on Oahu? How good of you to return my calls . . . all twenty-two of them."

"Yes sir. I'd like to . . . "

"Be in my office at nine A.M. tomorrow. Bring Detective Williams with you." With that, the man disconnected the call, not giving Steve the chance to apologize.

Rolling his eyes and blowing out a breath, the tall man walked to the living room to inform Danny of their ominous appointment. He found his friend watching what, to Steve, was just some random baseball game. The detective occasionally interrupted the announcer to rail at the television screen. If he wasn't so apprehensive, the SEAL would have had a good time making comments as well – and not necessarily about the game.

…

The new meds only took the edge off the anxiety and allowed him to function without the drug haze he so hated. The nightmares were still a problem as only the Prazocin seemed to work. Steve just didn't bother to eat for pretty much the entire following day after he took it which continued to exacerbate the weight issue. So far, he'd only managed to gain back about half of what was needed. The flashbacks still plagued him too but they'd lessened and he'd gotten better at avoiding things that triggered them.

He still hadn't let Danny bring Grace for a visit even though his friend assured him he trusted the SEAL with the most precious thing in his world. It was still very much a sore point for Steve.

Dressed in his new cargoes, a long-sleeved shirt over his usual tee, he strode into the wood-paneled office with Danny beside him. Denning was ensconced behind his big, official, 'governor desk' the diminutive detective had always found so pretentious and waived for them to take seats before it.

The dark expressionless face registered neither welcome nor any other expected emotion.

"Commander, Detective." he greeted, eyes evaluating the two men before him. They nodded, both replying, "Governor", before taking their seats before him. As was his wont, Steve sat on the edge of the heavy mahogany chair and leaned slightly forward.

"So, glad to see you've been able to get back home Commander. How are you feeling?"

"Fine sir, glad to be home."

"You ready to get back to work? Though your team has done an exemplary job in your absence, I'm sure they could once again use your energy and leadership. I don't know if it would have taken any less time to solve the case of my friend's assault but I believe it may have been a little sooner had you been around."

"My team is more than capable of handling any cases in the quickest manner possible in my absence. I have complete faith in them sir".

"Seeing you now in person, I must admit you don't yet look entirely recovered from your injuries. Do you feel as though you can return to duty?"

"It's something we need to talk about sir. . I do apologize for being away for so long and for waiting so long to contact you but I . . I don't feel it would be a good idea to come back to work as yet. I have some things that need to be taken care of before I can return to duty with Five-0. I'm going to have to request a leave of absence."

Denning's eyebrows rose slightly though his smooth expressionless face showed no other feeling about the request.

"How long do you wish to be away? It's already been over two months since you were called up. I think the Navy has had enough of your time Commander. The people of Hawaii require it now."

"Yes sir. I understand but uhh." Steve looked down at his hands before looking up at the man before him. He didn't want to leave his team hanging out to dry but he knew he wasn't ready to return. He and his 2IC had already discussed it and the detective was going to inform Chin and Kono of their leader's decision as soon as Danny got back to HQ.

Hoping it wasn't too obvious, Danny shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

Suddenly, Denning addressed the squirming investigator. "Detective, would you mind waiting in the anteroom a moment? I need to discuss something with the Commander."

Danny was startled but complied by standing to leave. A tight smile on his face, his hand lightly brushed Steve's shoulder to convey his support as he passed on his way toward the door.

Not taking his eyes off the man before him, when Denning heard the door close behind the diminutive detective, the governor once again addressed his visitor. "Commander . . . Steve," he amended voice now softening, "I know what happened to have you land at Quantico. I know your injuries were serious but I also know they weren't all physical."

Steve, mouth opening slightly in surprise blinked back at the man on the other side of the desk. _Denning knows?_

"I'm also aware you may need time to get some things straightened out before you can come back to duty with Five-0. I just wanted to see for myself how you were doing and speak to you in person." Then an expression that may have been a smile, (Steve wasn't sure, he'd never actually seen the man grin), warmed the stern face, "Don't look so surprised. I also have my connections."

Feeling his face redden, Steve tried not to stammer while saying, "Governor, I really apologize for avoiding you, it . . . it wasn't really intentional. I just, I just didn't have it together well enough to come back to Oahu." Trying to find the words to explain his doubts about himself without sounding like a total pussy he continued: "Honestly, I don't know if I can come back to the task force. My head hasn't been screwed on the right way since I got back. I don't know if it ever will be. I'm sorry but I can't explain it any better than that."

Seeing the shame and embarrassment rolling off the man who sat before him, Denning added, "Steve, I'm sure your team has faith in you. ** I** have faith in you. Let me know when you're ready. Your job will be here whenever you feel it's time to return."

….

As they walked back toward the Camaro, Steve told Danny about the governor's revelation that he'd known what had happened and his declaration the job was still his whenever he chose to get back to it.

Danny was more than happy Steve still had a job but exclaimed "How the fuck did he even find out?" hands already animating his words.

"I guess Denning carries weight in places we're not aware of." replied Steve, still not quite sure if he should even react to the man's having discovered the information about his stay in the hospital. Certainly he was relieved at the declaration of support but the lingering paranoia put him on edge once again. _Who else knows?_

…..

The scream woke him. Danny threw back the blanket and rising from the sofa quickly slipped on his flip-flops before swiftly but calmly ascending the stairs. He'd learned the hard way there could be broken things with sharp edges littering the floor after one of Steve's frightening nightmares. Eventually, they'd pretty much removed anything from the room that could be fodder for destruction.

Danny had jokingly called it 'Steve-proofing' but his friend had only glared at him. "Too soon?" the detective had asked

This time he found the tall man sitting on the edge of the bed and staring into the darkness. Danny sat quietly in the chair beside the door and waited for Steve to return from wherever his night terror had taken him.

Moonlight filtering through the gap in the drapes reflected off sweat-slicked skin and he could hear the quick harsh breathing in the still room as hands clutched tightly at the edge of the mattress. After another couple of minutes the respirations slowed and Steve's eyes lost their blank stare.

"You back babe?" asked Danny quietly

"Yeah . . . yeah, right here" was the hoarse reply.

"Want some water?"

"That . . . that'd be good, thanks."

Danny rose to go toward the bathroom and returned with a tumbler to hand to his friend. He watched as Steve quickly drained the glass then asked him, "Want more?"

Steve nodded his head and Danny made another short trip to fetch a refill.

"You walking through the desert again?" he asked as he handed the second drink to the thirsty man.

"Yeah." was the short reply. Steve quickly downed another glassful, wiping his mouth with the back of a sweaty hand and setting the tumbler down onto the nightstand.

Steve had finally told him of some of the content of his nightmares; of course leaving out details that might fall into the category the little blonde so hated – 'it's classified'.

Danny had unknowingly witnessed signs of his friend's flashbacks to his trek across the desert. He realized now that was probably the same memory that had caused the incident in the restaurant in Chicago when Steve had so quickly downed a glass of water and then immediately reached for Danny's tumbler to drain it as well.

Upon his return to the present, Steve would sometimes remember the vivid reliving of it and sometimes he wouldn't. He'd told Danny that he just knew he was thirstier than he'd even been in his life and there didn't seem to be enough water in the world to slake it.

…..

"So" said the shrink, "You're doing very well Steve. I'm very pleased with your recall during that last session."

"You mean before I whacked out?" snorted his patient

"You didn't 'whack-out' as you put it. As we both know, remembering this shit is uncomfortable to say the least. Sometimes our own minds protect us from what is too painful to remember. You went as far as you could."

"You're back to the whacking-out part." chuffed Steve as he picked imaginary lint off his cargoes and shifted uneasily in his chair.

"Well, I wouldn't have a job if people didn't 'whack-out' occasionally smiled the pumpkin-headed man. "It's only a problem if one makes it a lifestyle."

"I pretty much already did that." answered his patient, self-disgust evident in his voice

"Steve, you've come a long way in just two weeks. You should be happy with what you've accomplished."

"I still can't get it all out. I mean the real reason I went off the rails."

"You will"

"It's waiting there somewhere. Something really bad . . . something I'm afraid is going to send me off somewhere I'll never be able to come back from."

Esquivel could see the man before him tense once again, jaw clamping down hard enough to make the tendon and muscle on the sides of his lean face stand out.

"We won't let you get lost Steve. You have me – a damned good shrink if I say so myself." he smiled. "You have your friends. Hell, Danny and Kip would come drag you back kicking and screaming even if you wanted to get lost . . . again."

"Yeah, I know." admitted his patient with a small smile, "Can't hide from either one. They're fucking relentless."

His voice losing the levity, Esquivel said, "I know what it's like to lose yourself in memories. I also was lucky to have friends willing to bring me back." Quickly regaining the lightness he said, "Actually, I married one of them. She's _still_ dragging me back from my own stupidity every once in a while." he smiled.

Steve knew they were only dancing around what was the object of this session.

It was time.

Esquivel had scheduled this longer appointment because it was time.

The doctor held up what looked like a plastic stick with a ball stuck on the end. When his patient looked at it in puzzlement, Esquivel laughed, "I stole this from my wife's cat okay? Well, just the wand part. I didn't think you'd be all that thrilled with a stuffed mouse on a string so I took it off and replaced it with a ping-pong ball."

"Good call." smiled Steve a little nervously.

"Now, this is a fairly simple therapy. "I want you to follow this with your eyes while we talk, okay? When your eyes are tracking something back and forth while you try to recall and hold in your mind an incident or a memory that upsets you so much you've blocked it, this process helps to connect parts of your brain with other parts of your brain and will allow that memory to unblock."

Steve looked at him skeptically.

"Trust me. It's worked for many many people. It's called EMDR which is short for Eye Movement Desensitization and Recovery. It was discovered sort of accidentally one day by a psychologist who was walking along through the woods and realized that as her eyes moved back and forth while she was thinking of something disturbing; it actually made her feel less anxious and better able to think about the issue without becoming so upset or 'whacked-out' as you'd probably put it. Anyway, she did some research and refined the technique and voila."

"That's it?" asked the SEAL as he nervously flexed his fingers then began to rub his wrists. The nervous gesture didn't escape his doctor's notice.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. Nothing to worry about. I've used it many times with success in patients who've had difficulty recalling events that traumatized them. Once we know what it is, we can deal with it."

The man sitting on the edge of the chair in front of him still didn't look any more convinced or any less nervous.

"This may only take another session or two before you can recover what's been locked in your memory for so long or it could even happen in this one session. It's like your mind has locked this memory up somewhere to protect itself. EMDR will hopefully provide the key to unlock it."

"Why didn't we just do this before if it works so well?" snorted the SEAL trying not to look so apprehensive.

"For this to be successful, it's best to use it in combination with cognitive therapy – what we've been doing all along."

Still sounding unconvinced, his patient said, "Let's get going Dave before I chicken out."

"I know you won't but okay, let's do this. Remember to follow this with your eyes as you tell me what you can remember. I'm just going to slowly wave it back and forth in front of you like this." the doctor slowly swayed the wanded ping-pong ball from right to left before him.

"Tell me again about feeling abandoned when Heidegger died."

_Left . . . right_: Steve did as ordered and followed the object with his eyes. _This is stupid._

"They . . . uhh drug his body out of the cave. I guess he'd actually been gone for several hours but when his body was removed, I felt really alone."

_Right . . . left_

"Then what?" asked Esquivel

"A little after that, I heard some people being herded into the cave. I could tell from the sound it was women and children. I only opened my eyes long enough to see their shapes. The sunlight was behind them so I couldn't make out any detail."

His patient's breathing was still regular and even, face still calm as the dark blue eyes followed the wand.

_Left . . . right_

"I heard a woman's voice ask if I was an American. She touched me . . . I felt her hand on my forehead. The others were telling her not to do it. That she was stupid and would get caught. She told them that all God's creatures deserved kindness. I remember her words."

"Were you in any pain?"

"All I felt was numb. I was beyond pain by that point. I had some broken bones and was bleeding, probably a concussion too but nothing registered anymore."

"Go on, what happened next?"

"Haven't we already been over this like at least a dozen times?" asked the testy SEAL

"Just humor me."

Steve huffed but once again fastened his eyes on the moving wand.

_Right . . . left_

When I opened my eyes, she was looking down at me. I . . . ah . . I'd never seen eyes like hers . . . there were . . . there were so many colors in them . . . like every color that eyes could be all rolled into hers . . . "

Continuing to move the wand back and forth, Esquivel silently nodded his head trying to picture what they looked like as his patient's voice related what he'd seen and then trailed off.

_Left . . . right_

"She said she was sorry she couldn't make the pain go away. The only thing she could offer was the apple. The other women were telling her to be careful, that she might get caught."

The doctor noticed Steve's respirations becoming quicker and his eyes flicked upward toward him. "Remember to follow the wand." he reminded

"I uhh managed to sit up somehow and lean against the wall of the cave. I think maybe she helped me."

_Right . . . left_

"I remember I could smell the tobacco the guard was smoking at the cave entrance. He wasn't far away. I told her they wouldn't like her talking to me but she just ignored the warning. That was when I noticed the bastards hadn't even bothered to tie my feet. They thought I couldn't even run . . . probably just die like Heidegger and they'd come drag my body away."

_Left . . . right_

"What about the baby? Where was the baby?" asked Equivel noticing the SEAL's respirations increasing at the very mention of the child as sweat began to bead above his upper lip.

"The baby was on her hip. It was quiet then. I never found out if it was a boy or a girl. You know . . . it's eyes were the same color as its mother's . . . all those colors . . . " he breathed in wonder.

_Right . . . left_

"She offered me the apple; a tiny little apple and she apologized saying it was all she had to give me."

"Follow the wand." admonished Esquivel as Steve had looked up at his face again instead of keeping his gaze on the object moving back and forth in front of him.

"I told her I couldn't take her last bit of food but she insisted, said they were going to turn her and the others loose and she could get more. I wasn't even hungry but I ahh . . . I reached for it."

_Left . . . right_

"Go on, what happened next?" prompted Esquivel as his patient's breathing speeded up even more. It had become almost a pant now.

"I reached for it. I remember seeing my hands. They were still tied and they were dirty and bloody. I think it maybe wasn't even all my blood. Some of it was probably Heidegger's."

There was a longer pause. He wanted to close his eyes. He wanted to stop now.

"It . . . it must have startled the baby because it screamed. It screamed really loud and it echoed around the cave. It was like the sound pierced my brain. It was so loud . . . so sharp sounding . . . so frightened."

_Right . . . left_

"The . . . uhh . . . the guard yelled for it to shut up and then rushed into the cave. The woman tried to stand in front of me so he wouldn't see me sitting up. I think she dropped the apple then because I don't think I ever had it in my hands. I don't remember it being there."

_Left . . . right_

"The baby was squirming and the apple fell from somewhere; maybe her shawl, and it rolled across the floor toward him. It rolled and rolled . . . "

Steve was now nearly breathless but kept on as his eyes continued to track the ball.

"He yelled at her. Said she'd defiled herself. She finally moved aside and that's when he saw me sitting up and leaning there. He lost it. He started screaming at her . . . how she'd broken the laws of the Quran and how she and . . . and . . . and the baby had to die because of it."

_Right . . . left_

"It's just a memory." reassured the doctor, "Remember it's all over with now and this is just a memory."

Steve swallowed audibly, mouth dry as the hot sand he remembered lurching over. His chest felt as though a steel band had been ratcheted tighter and tighter around it. It was becoming harder to breathe.

"I rushed him. My hands were still tied but I had enough momentum to knock him over. The women were screaming now. That got the children screaming. All that noise . . . "

_Left . . . right_

Sweat began to drip down the sides of the lean face and his words now spilled out in a rush: "He managed to get to his feet and pulled out the knife in his belt. I don't know what happened to the carbine but he didn't use it. He kicked me in the ribs and knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't get up. He raised the knife over his head. It was big and shiny almost like a sword, I know I used to know what they were called but I can't remember right now."

"That's okay just go on. Remember to watch the wand" reminded Esquivel. His patient's respiration was now harsh now and labored as though there wasn't enough oxygen in the room.

"He had both hands on the handle."

_Right . . . left_

"I tried to get up. I tried really hard." His voice caught as his throat tightened and his blood pounded in his ears drowning out every other sound.

"I only managed to crawl to her and try to throw my body over them. She was crying, "Don't hurt my baby! Please don't hurt my baby! . . . Oh god, I can still hear her!"

"It was like slow-motion then, you know like in the movies. The blade was in the air over our heads and it seemed to come down so slowly. It seemed to take forever for it to reach me. I didn't even feel it when he cut me. I mean, I could see it, I could see the blood but I didn't feel it . . . so weird."

_Left . . . right_

"Then there was so much blood and so much screaming!" Tears now streaked down his face as dark watery eyes continued to follow the wand. His chest heaved and his skin began to prickle.

"He raised it again and . . . and . . . I uhh, I put my hands up when it came down. I don't know who he was aiming for . . . me or her or . . . "

_Right . . . left_

"She was screaming . . . the baby was screaming . . . I was screaming . . . The blade came down and I knocked it aside but . . . but it didn't stop and when . . . when it hit the baby . . . Oh God! It hit the baby! I didn't stop it . . . I couldn't stop it!"

"Steve, slow your breathing. It's just a memory. Follow the wand." ordered Esquivel who was so very tempted to end the session but Steve was so close now. "Go on Steve, don't close your eyes, it's just a memory. There's no more pain in it for you or anyone else now."

"There was so much blood! It was everywhere! And screaming . . . everyone was screaming . . . the women . . . the children . . . we were all screaming . . . "

He took a shaking breath, his whole body trembled but he didn't stop, he didn't close his eyes.

"I managed to get the bastard down on the ground. I don't know how. I just had to end it but it was too late. It was too late. I somehow got my hands around his neck and I snapped it. I felt it snap but it was too late . . . "

_Left . . . right_

She picked up the baby and looked at me with those eyes. Her clothes were soaked with it . . . her baby's . . . maybe mine too . . . all that red. Then, she stood up . . . so calm . . . the baby was . . . was dead in her arms. It just looked like a bloody rag; so limp in her arms.

_Right . . . left . . . right . . . left_

"She walked to where the knife lay and picked it up. She said 'Please hold my baby for me and handed this limp, dripping, little body to me and I took it to hold it for her."

"Everyone was quiet now. I didn't hear any more screaming. It had all stopped."

_Left . . . right . . . left . . . right . . . left . . ._

"She looked at me. Those eyes looked right at me. They were so sad . . . so sad. And then . . . she drew the blade across her own throat . . ."

The man was shivering now. There was no way to follow the wand. Just staying in the chair was difficult enough.

"Please." he begged, "Please I have to stop now. I can't . . . I'm gonna . . . "

Esquivel quickly set down the wand. Steve was pale and drenched in sweat. Quickly grabbing the plastic wastebasket from the corner, he set it in front of the young man just in time as he became violently sick.

The doctor waited patiently for it to stop. The dry heaving seemed to go on forever.

"It's okay now. It's gonna be okay." he comforted as he rubbed his hand in slow soothing circles on his patient's back.

"It's just a memory now. You're safe now. It's okay Steve."

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Next chapter, (possibly the final one), in about a week. It will be much happier.**

**I would like to hear your thoughts on this one. I apologize for the violence but it would take something like that to send our hero over the edge. It's over now. It's time to heal.**


	37. Fuhgeddaboudit

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 37

**Here, finally, is another. This very late and vague clarification of Steve's escape from the desert was by popular request, (just not the late part or the vague part). I apologize for taking so long to update but I think I hurt myself writing that last chapter! This was supposed to be the final one but will have to extend it to one more to tie it all up with a tropically colored bow. Thank you so very much for your reviews and listings. Ninja cats still puzzled how someone can be so blissed-out without the aid of Meowie Wowie.**

**Disclaimer: Almost done with our damaged heroes. Never made any money from their use and will glue all pieces back together and do a little polishing before giving them back. Ninja cats and husband will be ecstatic to have the return of their cook and housekeeper.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Fuhgeddaboudit

He was still a huddled wreck on the floor of Esquivel's office when the doctor quietly asked if it was okay to call Danny in to help him get home. The compassionate shrink thought for the detective to actually see his friend in this distraught state was something that needed the commander's permission.

"Steve" said Esquivel gently as he continued to rub his hand over his patient's back. "Is it okay if I call Danny to help you home?"

After a brief moment when it seemed that perhaps his patient wasn't yet capable of making the decision, he saw Steve nod his permission. The man was still breathless from dry heaving into the wastebasket.

"He's waiting in the . . . the lobby." the tall man managed to gasp out as he came off his knees to collapse back against the legs of a chair.

It had already been the plan for his friend to drive him back and forth to his appointments. Danny still didn't trust him to actually show up for them and not wander off again and Steve understood the concern.

Esquivel went to the console on his desk and pressed a button, "Sergeant Waters?"

"Yes sir" answered a disembodied voice – a woman's.

"Could you please call Detective Williams from the lobby and show him into my office?"

"Yes sir" was the clipped reply.

Danny sat thumbing through one of the ratty copies of _'People'_ he'd gotten from the magazine rack on the wall. This one was all about one of those Kardashian women. While he admired her impressive backside, (a little 'junk in the trunk' was just fine with him), he couldn't for the life of him figure out what it was that made the girl so famous.

He'd just finished reading an account of some sort of feud with another mysteriously famous celebrity whose name he only vaguely recognized when he heard someone call out "Detective Williams?" from a doorway across the room; the same one through which Steve had disappeared over an hour ago.

He hurriedly stood and approached the crop-haired woman in uniform. He knew she was Army but had no idea what her rank may be. Steve would have to tell him again what the chevron with the extra stripes on her sleeve meant . . . _Why does it have to be so friggin complicated; why don't they just spell out the words?"_ thought the detective.

"Is Steve . . . Commander McGarrett okay?" he worriedly inquired of the woman as he followed her down the long corridor.

"I'm sorry" she replied, "I can't disclose any information."

"Classified, right?" huffed the annoyed blonde as the woman stopped in front of a door with the name of the shrink engraved on the rectangular plastic plaque affixed to it.

Ignoring the cute civilian's last comment and trying not to smile, the sergeant rapped softly on the door and a voice answered, "Come in".

She pushed it open, announcing, "Detective Williams for you, Captain Esquivel".

"Thank you Sergeant Waters," answered the captain, giving her a sloppy salute as dismissal. Even Danny knew it wasn't a regulation salute.

"Come on in Danny." greeted the doctor.

Danny advanced through the door; nearly doing a double take when he spotted his partner slumped on the floor, back resting against one of the chairs.

"Steve, Babe?" he asked in concern as he approached the exhausted looking man who was yet to look upward at him.

"Danny, could you help Steve get back home? I think we had a good session today, very revealing but it was a little hard on him and he's still not quite recovered."

"Ya think?" snorted Danny as he peered down at Steve who looked even worse than he had earlier after ralphing in the restroom. The man looked like a hammered cow pie.

"He needs to go home and get some rest. I'd appreciate it if you could remain with him for a few hours?"

"Yes, of course." replied the detective as he sank to his knees next to his immobile friend; wincing slightly at the stiffness in his bad knee that was unlikely to ever leave.

Trying to get Steve's attention by lowering his own face into his eyeline, he said, "Steve? Come on. Let's get you off of this floor babe."

He reached out and putting a hand under one arm while the doctor did the same on the other side, they tugged the shaken man to his feet.

"I'm good." said Steve as he wobbled slightly causing Danny to tighten his grip on his friend's arm.

"He have any Ativan left?" asked Esquivel of the detective. "I think it would be a good idea to take a small dose as soon as you get him home."

"You know, I'm right here, right?" growled the commander before turning to Danny and asking, "Do I?"

"Yeah, we just got a refill a couple days ago." answered the blonde who, for now, was still the keeper of his friend's medications.

"Steve, I want you to go home and take two milligrams and relax and try to sleep for a bit okay? You've been through a lot today and getting some rest now is the best thing you can do."

Steve only nodded in acquiescence, mumbling "yes sir."

By the more formal reply from the tall man even though they'd been on a first name basis for a while, Esquivel realized his patient may again be reverting to his shut-down mode. The need for distance was understandable considering the recovered memories. It wasn't a problem unless it continued for too long.

"Should he take the Prazocin too?" asked Danny. The nightmares were sure to come after what had probably happened judging from Steve's wrung-out appearance.

"Steve?" asked Esquivel, "You think you should take it tonight? I'll leave it up to you this time but make sure you eat something as soon as you wake from your nap. You haven't yet gained back enough weight and I don't want to see you lose ground on that issue."

Without even pausing to think about it, the tall man nodded quietly.

"Okay Danny, tonight give him one temazepam and only half a hit of Prazocin. It may not do that much good at that dosage but it won't hurt. I don't want Steve to take anything that will bring on nausea. I think he's done enough upchucking for a while."

As Danny steered his exhausted partner toward the door. Esquivel addressed his patient, "Steve, I'm going to move up your next appointment okay? I'll see you again in two days."

"Yes sir" was the reply as the tall man turned to go out into the hallway, his friend lagging slightly behind him.

Danny rolled his eyes at the formal wording. _At least he didn't salute!_ was his thought before looking questioningly at the doctor.

"He'll tell you when he's ready." said Esquivel in answer to the unvoiced question, his voice just low enough for his patient not to hear, "Just be there for him."

"Always." vowed Danny

"I have no doubt." replied the doctor as the detective exited the office to follow his friend into the hallway; the sound of their feet tapping on the linoleum growing fainter.

Closing the door, he went back to his desk and shakily pulled out its bottom left-hand drawer. There, nestled in the back of it was the small flask of whiskey he kept for such occasions; the ones that gave him images in his head he'd just as soon forget. Using the jigger-sized cap, he poured himself a shot and downed the amber liquid in one swift gulp then closed his eyes to feel it burn its way down before reaching his stomach as soothing warmth. He hadn't had to do this in quite a while. _No wonder the poor guy is such a mess._

Taking a few deep breaths and waiting for his normal calm to return, he read through the folder on his desk and then looked up at the clock. With a final sigh he reached toward the intercom to press one of its buttons as he said, "Sergeant Waters, could you send in the next patient please."

…..

The ocean released its cool spray to float over his skin as he stood looking at the outline of Lanai coming closer from the distance. Ha'upu's boat cut through the water toward its dock where the small fishing boats gathered at Kaunakakai Marina.

When the boat was secured to its moorings, Steve said his goodbyes and walked to where Howard waited in the old pick-up to take him to Kip's.

"How you doin' boy?" he asked, forehead crinkling as Steve climbed into the ancient vehicle.

"Better" he answered with a small embarrassed smile.

"Good", said the older man as he put the truck in gear and quickly pulled out onto the only paved road on this side of the island.

There was no further conversation as the old Chevy rattled down the highway. There really was no need to talk.

It would be good to get back to the little wooden house with the menagerie gathered in its front yard. Kip would be waiting with her never-ending cups of mysterious herbal tea. He still had to finish painting the cottage. The front porch was the only part of it that had received a layer of the so meticulously applied and pristinely white coating.

It would be good to have this kind of fairly mindless work to do. There was a lot to think about; there were still unanswered questions. After finally remembering what had happened, did he even want to go back to the possibility of being deployed again? Was it even realistic to think he could eventually pass the psych eval? Could he hack being the leader of Five-0 again? Then, there was Cath . . .

Much as he appreciated Esquivel, he'd become frustrated with the shrink's evasiveness; somehow responding to his patient's questions without actually giving answers.

He also needed to get away from Danny's hovering for a couple days. He loved the diminutive tough guy but his partner was back to smothering him with concern. Danny needed to go back to his own life but, when his friend wasn't around, the house seemed to mock him with its emptiness. Its only other occupants were ghosts.

Granted, he knew his friend's worry hadn't been without some warrant. The belated realization of how selfish he'd been to try to end his own life was a blinding and devastating revelation. It had been so incredibly egocentric to think his death would be of no consequence to those who cared for him. He knew he could never begin to make up to for what he'd put his friends through. He just hoped they could forgive him.

He also knew he was still a fucked-up mess but he was beginning to feel more himself with each passing day as the physical and emotional numbness receded. With that, returned the impatience and restlessness that was part of his nature; his 'ADD-attention-span-of-a-gnat complicated by a zeal for all things explosive' nature as Danny had termed it.

As predicted, Kip waited for them at the front of her house, her menagerie gathered around her; a cloud of unruly hair glowing like a bright halo in the morning sun that flared behind her.

To Steve it appeared surreal; like something he'd seen in a book he'd been given as a child - it was about angels or maybe saints. He didn't really remember anything other than the beautiful illustrations. He chuckled to himself as Howard shoved the floor-mount gearshift into park and shut off the engine.

"What's funny?" asked the old guy, curiously peering at Kip through the dusty windshield to see if he could spot what was so amusing to the young man.

"That light behind Kip makes her hair look like a halo." smiled Steve, "and with all those animals around her she resembles someone I saw in a picture book when I was a little kid. It might have been St. Francis of Assisi. You know he's the one depicted by that garden statue you see in a lotta yards; a figure surrounded by deer and rabbits and stuff."

Howard chuckled as he recognized what Steve saw, "Yeah, she does kinda look like that statue right now."

"Saint Kekipi of Lanai? Sort of has a ring to it." laughed Steve

"Kip a saint huh?" said Howard mulling it over as he grabbed the door handle in preparation to exit the truck before pausing and turning to his passenger, "Don't let her hear you call her that; she'll kick your ass."

…

The days had passed nearly without incident. He was almost finished with the house painting. The goats had eaten only one of his brushes along with the bandana he used to keep paint out of his hair as desert.

Kip surveyed her home's newly immaculate wooden siding. Her place hadn't looked this good since Malu was still with her. Though Howard would offer to fix things or hire someone to fix them, she'd always been too proud to take him up on the offer. Stevie was more like a son . . . and sons were allowed and at times encouraged to do such things but she'd told him on more than one occasion she didn't expect this. He'd always look down in embarrassment and tell her it was the least he could do. After a couple of such times, she realized how shamed he was feeling and stopped protesting his help.

Kip was aware of her friend's need to keep busy. It appeared to give him some peace. She was so very glad something finally did and he seemed much more stable than when he'd first arrived on Lanai. Since he'd come back from Oahu last time he'd only woken with nightmares a couple of times. He didn't even wake during the last one, just mumbled a bit and tossed and turned. She only heard him because she was up late putting the last few pieces of a puzzle into place. She still wouldn't actually touch him to wake him. All it took was a few soothing words from her and he'd settled back into true sleep.

Kip knew this wasn't going to last. Stevie would soon return to his home and his job and life would go on. She hoped Ua Kane would come back to visit occasionally. It wasn't quite as lonely as it had been. Some of the people she hadn't seen in a while were coming around again.

Benji Pakele had returned from the hospital on Molokai and was to be seen in town entertaining its residents with his tale of a brush with death at the tusks of a wild boar. Of course, he always left out the part about wetting his pants and having been rescued by the skinny haole.

Rabbit appeared to have gained wisdom from his experience and didn't spend as much time hanging with the posse of troublemakers. One day, when Steve was busy replacing part of the rickety barrier that surrounded Kip's small vegetable garden, Koa the territorial billygoat decided it was time to show the man who was boss.

Steve's back was turned when the goat charged him. There was a shout from the other side of the yard and Rabbit appeared, waving his arms to distract the evil-tempered animal. The goat actually paused to assess this new intruder into his territory allowing his original target to nimbly scramble out of his path.

Exclaimed Rabbit as he leaped quickly onto the wooden fence covered in chicken-wire that served as part of the garden's enclosure, "That's a badass goat brah!".

Steve laughed as he dodged out of the angry animal's way once again before joining Rabbit where he'd perched on the top rail. He smiled at the youth beside him, "Thanks for distracting him. Koa's out for blood today."

"No worries." said Rabbit with a shy laugh. "You save me from a pig, I save you from a goat."

They sat watching the fierce black goat finally give up in frustration at not being able to vanquish the intruders or push his way through the now repaired barrier between himself and the coveted green beans. With a final look toward the two seated on the fence and a snort that probably meant, "Next time." he finally turned and trotted off, presumably in search of some yummy seat cushions as consolation.

"I . . . I uh never got to say thanks to you for saving my ass brah. I'm sorry for that other stuff too, you know, in front of Howard's store . . . honest. I know Benji's a dick and I'm really sorry I went along with it."

Steve only looked at him for a moment. He didn't even remember the incident with the boar. He'd only heard the retelling of it from Kip and Howard. Nodding his head at the contrite looking young man, he replied, "No worries. Apology accepted. I suppose we're even now that you've just saved me from a man-eating goat."

Rabbit, losing his embarrassed expression as a slow smile spread across his tanned young face replied. "Yeah, brah, goats are bloodthirsty."

….

The sessions with Esquivel had yielded more information on Steve's escape. After revealing the horrifying details of what had happened in the cave, his recall of the events that led to his rescue came much more quickly if not any less stressfully. The wise shrink had insisted on continuing the EMDR during his patient's recounting and Steve did admit it took away some of the anxiety.

There really wasn't much to recall after he'd been found near death until he woke in the hospital at Ramstein. Even then, there wasn't anything other than vaguely remembered glimpses of hands and needles and voices in different languages all telling him it would be okay and he needed to stop fighting them.

"After I contacted command and the information was relayed to NSW Command that there was a leak somewhere and it needed to be plugged, another team was dispatched. Its mission was to neutralize the mole in the network then find whoever had survived and recover the bodies of those who hadn't."

The SEAL seemed to hesitate then before continuing.

"Remember" reminded the doctor, "I've been cleared for all this stuff. Don't worry about spilling anything that might be considered classified. Go on with what you can remember."

Steve nodded and blew out a breath. As his eyes began to track the familiar white plastic ball he began to recount his escape and the arduous nearly fatal trek.

"Start from where you left off last time Steve." said Esquivel's soothing voice, "You'd just come-to again and realized you were alone."

Left . . . right

_He lay on the floor of the cave. All was quiet. The group of captives had stampeded as soon as they realized it was over. He could hear their footfalls grow softer as they distanced themselves from the carnage._

_He didn't look. He knew they were dead._

_He searched for the carbine he remembered the guard had dropped in favor of the big knife. 'Fucker should have held onto his gun instead of trying to make some stupid deranged point by using the blade' was his thought. Finally locating it by feel because he could barely manage to focus his eyes, he picked it up and clung to it._

_He felt so strange. His body seemed only minimally connected to his brain. There was a delay in the response of his muscles when they should automatically carry out what was expected. So weird._

_He realized he was standing now and looking down at his camos, he was puzzled to find that they were now almost a solid color – dark rusty red. Blood? His? He didn't feel anything other than incredibly tired._

_He hefted the unfamiliar carbine. It was Russian made. How'd he get hold of a Russian gun? Where was his HK?_

_They'd left only the one guard. It really didn't take more than one man to watch a bunch of women and kids and a half-dead prisoner. There must be something else going on somewhere for there to be only the one._

_He staggered into the glaring sunlight; barely able to keep his eyes open against it. There was no one to stop him. It was almost ridiculous after having been surrounded, kicked and beaten by so many of them for the last couple of days. They'd almost seemed to make a sport of it. _

_He found himself stumbling over the rocky ground that sloped downward toward the sandy flatness. After walking what seemed hours he realized he'd ceased to sweat. It meant he was so dehydrated he couldn't. He fell again and lay there for a while before struggling to regain his feet. It would be so easy to just stay down. He supposed the decision would be made for him and very soon. He couldn't even summon up any saliva to keep his tongue from sticking to the roof of his mouth. The desert would make the decision for him._

_Other than indescribable thirst and exhaustion that pulled at him as though to suck him down into the sand below his feet, he felt nothing. He navigated by being vaguely aware the terrain sloped downward. He couldn't tell direction by landmarks or the slant of the sun - he'd have to keep his eyes open long enough for that. He barely bothered to open them anymore. When he did, all he could see was the colorless blur of earth and sky. Surely the sun would immolate him before he died of thirst._

_He heard shouting and the earth kicked up around him in dusty puffs as the report of rifle fire cracked across the dry air. It was a good thing they'd already taken out their best shooters detachedly thought the stumbling, weaving man. These guys couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. His hoarse laughter echoed from the cliffs that surrounded him - the ones to which currently clung the woefully inaccurate riflemen._

_Falling and getting back to his feet countless times, he didn't even know __why__ he got up again after each collapse. The voices had been telling him to stay down; that he should lie on the scorching sand until torn and bloodied flesh fell away to leave only bone the hue of bleached earth . . . to rest until there was no more thirst._

_He was going to do that. Next time he fell, he wouldn't get up. They were right. They were all right. He was stupid to think he could get home. They told him he was foolish to even think he could._

_Heidegger's voice said "Dog, you're fuckin' crazy to think you can get yourself out of this one!"_

_Hannaman said, "Time to give it a rest sir. Stop now and it won't hurt any more. Just stop."_

_Now there was more gunfire. Not close. He didn't even know if he actually heard it or if it was just part of the chaos in his head. Where was his gun? For a while he had the carbine he'd picked up from the ground at the cave but where did it go? Oh, yeah, he dropped it because he couldn't walk with it anymore. It was too fucking heavy._

_He staggered on under the fierce colorless sky. He wasn't even aware he'd fallen that one last time and the desert had made the decision he wouldn't get up again._

_There were more voices now. They were telling him to lie still and there would be peace. That he was safe now. There were hands touching him. He didn't have the strength to fight anymore. He just wanted there to be water and cool darkness - no more sun, no more voices. He'd do what they wanted. He would lie down and become part of the earth, the ghosts had waited for him and he would finally join them._

_Left . . . right_

…...

Rabbit, now becoming used to being called by the name his mother had given him – Keanu – began to come around more often. He helped Kip with her garden and, if Steve was there, trailed after him like a puppy; eager to learn what he could about carpentry and machinery repair. Though Steve was certainly no expert, to Keanu he could do no wrong.

It was now known that Kip's handyman was a cop. Not just a cop, but '_the' _cop on the islands. Keanu didn't really question why the man would be hanging around Kekipi Maluhia's little dirt patch of a place but it was working out quite well for him. The boy felt useful and sometimes when he asked about chasing bad guys and keeping the islands safe he'd be rewarded with a brief story about doing so. Rabbit had even told Benji he was lucky not to have Steve 'Five-Fucking-0' McGarrett kick his ass that night in the forest. Benji from somewhere summoned the grace to look at least a little appreciative for his rescue and the reprieve from ass-kicking. It still didn't stop him from his subjective yarn spinning to whoever would listen.

As time wore on, Kip began to include Keanu and even his mother Delia into occasional dinners at her house.

…

_Was it only a couple of days? He couldn't tell anymore. Yeah, a couple of days 'cause Heidegger had died this morning . . . right? He was dead . . . but . . . if he was dead why was he still talking to him?_

_Just give it up McGarrett_

"_No, can't."_

_If you just lie down, the pain will all go away_

"_Doesn't matter. Don't feel anything anyway . . . just tired."_

_Come on Doggie, don't be such a stubborn bitch, just lie down and you can rest. It will feel good._

"_I said I can't. Leave me alone."_

_You know McGarrett, all you have to do is let yourself fall and not get up and this will all be over._

"_Shut up Heidegger, I know you're dead. You shouldn't even be talking to me. Shut up!"_

_What, you think this conversation is classified? mocked the voice that now sounded strangely like Danny's._

"_Shut up! Just shut up! I'll pay you to shut up!"_

_There was only laughter now. All of them laughing at him: Parkman and Rodriguez, Heidegger and Cantu and Hannaman - they were all laughing._

"SHUT UP!" bolting upright he saw only the walls of his darkened bedroom. No sun, no sand, no blood; the only sound that of the frantic thudding of his own heart and the noisy rasping of his own breaths.

There was a soft knock and the door slowly opened as Danny peeked into the room.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, just the usual." he answered running a hand through sweaty hair. It wasn't even that embarrassing anymore to wake this way with Danny or Kip knowing what had happened. He'd breezed past that impediment long ago.

"I take it I was in this one?" smiled Danny somewhat grimly as he approached the bed.

"You? Why do you say that?" asked McGarrett still trying to blink away blazing sunlight from his retinas.

"I heard you yell that you'd pay me to shut up."

"I did?"

"Yeah, you sounded pretty pissed."

"Sorry"

"It's okay babe. Not the first time you've said it."

"Oh . . . yeah. You're right, I remember that now. Offer's still good." said the now much calmer man, a smile in his hoarse voice. The room was too dark to actually make out anyone's facial expressions.

"You still haven't paid up from the last time." huffed the blonde as he sat on the edge of the rumpled bed. "You need water?"

"Nah, I'm good."

The two sat without speaking for a few moments before Steve broke the silence.

"Danny?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Thank you."

"In the immortal words of any number of Mafioso - fuhgeddaboudit."

There was another small chuckle in the darkness. "Can't do that. I wouldn't even be here if you'd given up on me. I don't know what . . . well, I guess I do know what would have happened. I'm so sorry Danny. I'm so so sorry . . . " he barely choked out the words as his throat tightened and his eyes burned. There was something breaking and coming loose inside him. He buried his face in his hands as sobs suddenly racked his body.

"Hey hey. It's okay now. It's really gonna be okay now, honest." said Danny as he wrapped his arms around the shaking shoulders and rocked his friend back and forth in the darkness. He knew these tears were a long time coming. These were more than tears of remorse. These were tears of sorrow and acceptance. This was what needed to happen before any real rebuilding could begin. It had been too long in coming.

After a bit, Steve took a shuddering breath and straightened himself to pull away from the comforting embrace of his friend.

"Danny?"

"Yeah, Steven?"

"Can I tell you what happened to me?"

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Reviews and reminders of things that need to be addressed would be welcome. Please know that your input has made this a much better story than it would have been if left to my own devices.**

**If you'd like to make any further suggestions before this is wrapped, please feel free to do so. I know there's at least a couple of reunions, (possible clue there), and a couple other things that need to be resolved. Will actually have to go back and comb through this story to find them all. **

**Since I've been such a dismal failure at meeting ETA's for updates, I won't promise one for the final chapter but will do my best to make it reasonably soon.**


	38. Maybe It's Time

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 38

**Lied again. This was going to be the last chapter but it would have been nearly 8,000 words long. Hope you don't mind me splitting it in two. The good news is the ****final**** final chapter is already written and will be posted in three days. Imaginary Beta just has to get off her butt and have a go at it and then it's ready.**

**Please let me know what you think. If you want to yell at me that's okay too but try not to make any smart-aleck remarks about the title of this chapter. I KNOW it's time to end this thing!**

**Disclaimer: No money made. No dreams fulfilled.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Maybe It's Time

That night, Steve told him what had happened in the cave. Danny sat quietly; thoroughly stunned after Steve's calm recounting of it.

It gave the detective a whole new perspective on what had come about to so unglue his friend. A whole new appreciation of what the man had the strength to survive until he no longer could; until the pain had become too much.

He'd always known when things had been rougher than usual when Steve would return battered and even quieter from his infrequent but still far too numerous deployments but this was almost inconceivable . . . horrifying . . . he had no idea.

That his friend had survived it at all was a miracle in itself and, if Danny was completely honest, how Steve managed to hang on as long as he had without trying to permanently erase the memory of it . . . well, it too was something of a miracle but the lingering anger over what he'd done just wouldn't go away.

…

Over the next two months, the sessions with Esquivel continued and Steve continued to travel back and forth between Lanai and Oahu. The timing worked out well with the fishing boat pulling in late enough at the marina on Oahu so there was only enough time to get home, take a shower and get dressed before he had to be at Tripler.

He hated the wait until he was called into the shrink's office. It gave him too much time to anticipate whatever the gap-toothed doctor would ask of him. There would surely be things to be dealt with he'd just as soon forget. Danny and Kip weren't the only ones who could be relentless.

Esquivel was always amused at the way his patient approached his appointments as though it was his duty and he had a job to do come hell or high water. The commander would do it well and then leave quickly as he possible as though he'd completed a successful op and then withdrawn to await the next assignment.

He'd grown fond of this patient and looked forward to the little sparing matches it sometimes took to pry information from him. The walls of the fortress the man had built around himself hadn't fully crumbled but they weren't as high as they'd been.

…..

Steve loved the ocean and enjoyed having something constructive to do. Feeling he should be doing something other than ride along as a passenger, the SEAL had been providing any labor he could on the fishing vessel. Ha'upu had even begun to give Steve some of the catch to take to Kip; laughingly saying he had to pay his crew - even the part-timers and even if it was only in fish.

Kip was happy to have the fresh fare to share with her increasingly frequent guests. Even Mario Hakoda, the island's one and only cop and Kip's forever hopeful suitor had been coming around for dinner. After witnessing Howard and Kip together, he'd finally and reluctantly realized the woman would never be his and he had no chance to woo her away from the hardware man. It was time to move on.

Kip, once again exercising her 'inner sneakiness', a trait that had served her well in the past, would frequently invite the big cop and Keanu's mother Delia to the same meal. She hadn't missed the small display of goo-goo eyes that had broken out between the two.

Rabbit, of course, was completely horrified.

….

Danny had traveled with Steve to Lanai this time. Though he'd told his friend it was to get away from the bustle of Oahu for a day, (which Steve didn't really believe), his intention was to thank Kip in person for taking care of his partner and giving him refuge when he truly needed it. Danny shuddered to think what could have happened if the woman hadn't taken in the troubled man.

Proudly, she'd shown Danny all the work 'Stevie' had done for her and the detective had to admit it was quite impressive. The house was painted and its roof repaired, the garden hoed and its fence rendered goat-proof, the animal enclosures rebuilt and much more - but what made Danny chuckle were the bolts of cloth in the storeroom arranged so precisely by the print's predominant color. Steve, of course, hadn't been able to abide the chaos of Kip's storage system, or lack of it.

Perhaps there was truth to Steve's statement the time Danny had been house sitting for him and the SEAL had come home earlier than planned. The blonde hadn't time to clean up the chaos he'd created in his partner's absence. After staring open mouthed at the disarray of his normally well-ordered home, Steve had only shaken his head and said, "You do know that an orderly environment is the sign of an orderly mind don't you?"

It was encouraging to know the tall man now felt well enough to exercise his true OCD nature. It would certainly come in handy because Danny knew the supply room at H.Q. needed some serious organizing. None of the other three members of the team were brave enough to tackle the challenge and Chin had finally resorted to raiding HPD for printer ink. Only God knew where to find their own supply in the disordered jumble of Five-0's storeroom. Steve had been sorely missed for more than his leadership skills.

Someday, Danny would have to con his neat-freak partner into coming to his own untidy rat-hole of an apartment. He'd just give Steve a Red Bull and a can of Comet Cleanser and then turn him loose. Problem solved.

Danny and Kip sat companionably sipping tea from her battered stoneware cups. Steve had warned him not to drink too much of it and, in the unlikely event the subject of drug testing should come up, not to take any 'pee tests' for a few days after drinking it. The little detective was a bit startled at the warning but whenever the old woman offered it, he always accepted a cup.

Out the kitchen window, they saw the tall man kneeling in the grass and talking to the old dog who only looked at him warily. No one had ever managed to make friends with the decrepit but still fierce animal.

He'd never even had a name. Kip just called him 'the dog'. She usually let the animals name themselves. They'd have a trait or something that would distinguish them; hence the cat named Jack - as in One-Eyed-Jacks the card game, Koa - which meant warrior because the billygoat is so fierce, Houdini – for the rabbit's nearly tragic skill at escaping and etcetera. One of the exceptions had been Marilyn who'd already come with a name. Kip could only guess why the old farmer had named her that . . . something to do with large udders no doubt. She remembered the old guy also had a cow named Dolly . . . the old letch.

Kip was pleased Stevie hadn't given up his campaign to befriend the dog. She herself couldn't even pet the irritable animal without worrying about losing a hand. The creature was scruffy to say the least. Besides being old, his coat had never felt a brush; it was just too dangerous to try. Other than the day he'd allowed himself to be leashed and brought here, she hadn't been able to get near him.

"I'll be damned." murmured the old woman as Danny looked up at her quizzically from the distraction of the puzzle on the table; the one into which he'd begun to fit a few pieces.

"What? What's happened?" he asked as he looked out the window at Steve stroking the old dog's grizzled head.

"That dog's never let anybody touch him. I've had him for six years and he's never even let me closer than a few feet."

"How did he wind up that way, so wary of people?" asked Danny as he watched his friend carefully pet the old dog while speaking to it. The dog didn't look unhappy, maybe just a little cautious.

"He'd been chained and pretty much isolated from human contact for probably years before I rescued him. I don't think he's ever accepted affection from anyone. When it was offered, he'd always growl and back away. He's never learned that people can actually care about him."

"That's pretty sad. I wonder what's made him change his mind and let Steve near him?" wondered Danny aloud.

"I think maybe it has to do with aumakua." ventured Kip, her eyes clouded by sadness.

"What do you mean?" asked Danny, mentally chastising himself for not paying more attention to Gracie's Hawaiian vocabulary homework.

"The word can mean many things. This time, I think the term that comes closest is 'kindred spirit'." she sighed before taking another sip from the chipped cup.

"Steve has people who care about him. He just didn't realize it." said Danny

"Yes" nodded Kip in agreement, "Maybe now, they both know."

….

The dog stood cautiously looking at him but didn't back off. It had taken some time, actually quite a bit of it, for the animal to trust him even this much. He didn't think it was ever going to happen but he'd kept up talking to him and offering bits of food when he could. Pretty much the only response he'd gotten for the gesture was a low growl of warning if he came too close. Carefully, he reached toward him; ready to quickly retract his hand if need be. He smiled as he was rewarded when the animal didn't growl or flinch away from the soft stroke across the graying head.

He felt he owed the dog. That warning growl toward the tree-line that evening in the pasture had gotten him to move from where he was standing. He'd never really believed in the idea of guardian angels but there was a Hawaiian word that seemed to fit, 'aumakua'.

It had always been a role of the dice for him. Chance either kissed you or slapped you. There didn't seem to be a pattern for such things. The only thing one could do was to be prepared for the worst and somehow manage to appreciate the best when it came your way. He hadn't felt that appreciation in a long time. For whatever reasons, his life hadn't gone that way.

Now, he felt maybe things had changed. Was the dog somehow a spirit sent to help him? He knew it may be crazy to think so but the term 'crazy' didn't bother him that much anymore - sort of a 'been-there-done-that' kinda thing he supposed.

"Maybe it's time to come in from the cold, dog?" he whispered as the old canine leaned into his touch and seeming to groan in relief as it felt the hand cautiously stroke his head.

"Maybe it's time for both of us, huh?" he said a little more loudly as he gave the dog one final pat and gently ruffled his fur then stood to go back to the house.

…..

The days wore on and the sessions with Esquivel finally came to an end. The gap-toothed shrink was happy with what had been accomplished in the three and a half months of therapy. He was satisfied that, while the issue had been enormously critical, it wouldn't now be an ongoing one.

The savvy shrink knew an official diagnosis of ASD, (Steve had several of the symptoms that differentiated it from PTSD; reduced awareness, numbing, amnesia and etc.), may compromise Steve's ability to continue as part of the military. To leave the door open for his patient to return to duty, (should he choose to do so provided he could pass the psych eval), the doctor only listed treatment of specific symptoms rather than label his patient with what could be interpreted as an exclusionary diagnosis by someone in the Navy's chain of command.

It was now up to Steve to make the decision.

….

Steve nervously, (very nervously), waited for Catherine to deplane. Once again, she'd caught a flight on a military transport - one of the big C-130's. The monstrous aircraft finally came to a halt on the tarmac and after several long minutes, its huge cargo doors opened and several people in military fatigues clumped down the wide metal ramp.

_What am I going to say to her? How can I ever make up for leaving and isolating myself from the woman I care about . . . well, okay . . . . love. _There, he'd admitted it, he loved her but would the emotion be returned? How could it? Why would she want to stay with him when he'd taken off like that and shut her out? When she had to know how fucked-up he'd been, maybe still is.

Her chocolate eyes swept over the small group gathered to greet those trickling ahead of her down the broad ramp. _There he is!_ He looks good - healthy. Her heart beat faster and she felt the old flutter in her stomach but she was worried. _Will he still want me?_ She knew he had to be truly in pain to run like that and she wasn't there when he needed her most. _Can I ever make up for not being there for him?_ She loved him but she hadn't been able to risk saying it. She didn't know if he felt the same. His rejection would devastate her.

_There she is!_ He saw her eyes searching through the gathered awaiting those in uniform to emerge from the plane's gigantic metal maw. His heart began to thud wildly when he knew she'd spotted him and beamed in his direction. Swiftly, he covered the distance between them and as she reached the bottom of the ramp, she dropped her duffle to silently throw her arms around him.

His arms enfolded her as he buried his face in her hair; inhaling her scent while she pressed her face against his chest; listening to the strangely swift but reassuring beat of his heart. Want and need bonded their bodies to one another as they clung fiercely; two sets of eyes growing suspiciously damp.

They had a lot to talk about.

…..

Chin and Kono were overjoyed the morning their leader walked in as though he'd never left. He looked as he had many months ago, confident, clear-eyed and healthy. The office seemed to be immediately transformed with his presence. There was an energy to it they'd all so very sorely missed when he hadn't been there to provide it.

What was unusual was the box of coco puffs he plopped down on the corner of his desk as he called everyone into his office.

Though he'd spoken to his team regularly when they'd had the opportunity to go out to dinner or the cousins had stopped by with a pizza, they hadn't seen their leader as often as they'd liked and the details of the reason for his absence were never discussed. They knew enough - that whatever had happened during his deployment seriously messed with his head and he had to take some time to get it together again. Over time, along with gaining back most of the weight he'd lost; he'd begun to seem more relaxed; more engaged in his surroundings and his ohana. Granted, he still wasn't all that talkative but he'd never been that way to begin with. Whatever it was that caused the issue, they were overjoyed to see him back at work.

They'd gotten to meet two new friends, Kekipi and Howard. Kono in particular was fascinated by the woman who seemed to have no fear of anyone or anything. She'd never seen Steve so willing to acquiesce to someone else's wishes or Danny back down from an argument. Kono really liked her.

Kamekona had occasionally stopped by with one of his experimental shrimp dishes for his 'two favorite arms of the law' to evaluate. He was happy to see that life had come back again to the dark blue eyes that had so recently reflected only emptiness. It had so reminded him of the last time he'd seen his cousin Lihau, the one they called Joey, before he'd disappeared. Besides, he missed the man who was fearless enough to try any concoction he'd come up with even though the track record of such experiments wasn't all that great.

Cousin Ha'upu had told him the guy was of great help on the boat and the favor of twice-weekly round trips had been well worth it. The boat captain hadn't been expecting such hard work from such a skinny haole.

"Boss!" exclaimed Kono in a very uncharacteristically girly shriek. "You're back!"

She rushed forward arms outstretched before stopping to back off in embarrassment. At first startled, Steve smiled broadly before gathering her into a fierce hug and saying, "Good to be back."

Chin, a huge smile on his normally passive face clapped him on the shoulder in a very manly way before being totally taken by surprise when his leader unwrapped a long arm from his cousin to gather him into the hug as well.

Danny, the last one to make an appearance, immediately spotted the box of treats and made a beeline for it, saying, "Don't you dare try to hug me you ape. I just saw you yesterday." He grabbed a couple of the coco puffs and retreated quickly to the corner as though expecting to have to fight for them.

When the fond round of greetings was over, Steve cleared his throat and resumed what in the past they'd all come to recognize as their leader's 'official announcement' face as he crossed his arms and rested the backs of his thighs against the front of his desk.

"I . . . uhh . . . wanted to call you together to tell you what's going on or rather a little more of what's gone on with me the past few months."

Their leader's aquiline features were perfectly calm, no hint of what may be going on under the surface; in other words - normal Steve.

"I'm sure, being the astute detectives you are; you already have a pretty good idea of what's happened. I want you to know that I appreciate what . . . what you've done to help me out. I couldn't ask for a better team or better friends. No matter what happens, you are my ohana."

The cousins both glanced downward at their boss's and friend's stated sentiment as Steve cleared his throat before continuing.

"That said; I wanted to give you guys an out if you no longer want to have me as your leader of this team."

When Kono startled and opened her mouth to question his words and Chin actually muttered a surprised, "What?" Steve put his hand up to quell the response. The cousins immediately silenced themselves and, strangely, Danny only sat impassively watching from his seat atop the credenza, an uneaten coco puff gripped between his fingers.

Steve looked each in the eye in turn as he explained himself.

"As I'm pretty sure you already know, when I returned from my last deployment, I was a mess . . . both physically _and_ mentally."

No one responded to the statement. They were still as carved figures while waiting for him to continue. In the silence, one could have heard an eyelash hit the floor.

"It took awhile to get both issues resolved." He looked down briefly to gather himself before speaking again. "One was much more difficult than the other."

Danny sat silently; knowing what was coming and sincerely wanting it to be over. He knew it had to be killing Steve to be this open – even with his ohana. It was painful to watch.

"I . . . uhh . . . I did something pretty stupid while I was gone and if I'm going to continue as head of Five-0, I feel you need to know about it." In turn, his dark blue eyes pinned each face with an unwavering gaze.

"If this was a military unit, I'd be reassigned to another outfit or possibly even to a desk if not bounced out on a medical discharge."

The three seemed to hold their breaths as they waited for him to continue. The tall man, face now slightly flushed, stood from where he was leaning and slowly removed his chambray button down to reveal the T-shirt beneath it and tossed it onto his chair. Taking a deep breath, he extended his arms outward toward them, palms up so the crooks of his elbows were clearly visible.

Kono looked at them and then up to his face, trying not to reflect the shock she felt. Chin looked up face almost impassive but with a saddened intensity in his dark eyes. Danny's face reflected only encouragement.

Steve stood for a moment displaying for his team, the scars he'd put there; waiting long enough for each set of eyes to flick upward to his face, before asking, "Now, do you still think I'm capable of being your leader? Do you still have enough confidence in me despite this?"

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Final chapter up on Tuesday – HONEST!**

**Thank so very much to all those who took the time to review, leave comments and list favorites****.**

******Still a cheap date if you'd still like to review.**


	39. Reunions

The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 39

**Here's the last one. Thank you for coming along on the ride and for sharing your thoughts about the journey. Imaginary Beta thanks you for your tolerance. Husband and ninja cats thank you because now they get their domestic back.**

**Apologies to any romance aficionados. It's not really my forte; (I don't think anyone's ever even kissed anybody in my stories unless maybe it was a cat). I hope I've tied up enough of the loose ends for this to be satisfying and that it's not too sappy. Special thank you to FlamMabel for her idea about naming the dog and for another used in the previous chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Much as I tried, couldn't get CBS to give them up. Have repaired them to the best of my ability and can now return them to their rightful owners.**

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

Reunions

He'd returned to H.Q. alone from the innocuous suburban home that had housed the headquarters and distribution warehouse for the human traffickers every law enforcement entity on this side of the world had been after. His team had stayed at the scene to finish transfer of the traders in human flesh and their unfortunate 'cargo' into the hands of HPD and medical personnel.

He'd come into the office to get the paperwork started. There'd be reams of it. Rank had its privilege but he'd made a promise to himself to be better about not dumping the majority of the report writing on his 2IC. Though Danny always loudly bitched about it, (as he did about pretty much everything), he never refused to do it. The disciplined detective had always made short work of the myriad of forms necessary after the apprehension and/or disposal of those trying to commit illegal acts in the State of Hawaii.

That last flying tackle had resulted in a slight collision with a concrete walkway. The body of the idiot who'd been foolish enough to run had supplied only partial cushioning for his captor when they came crashing down onto it. He winced when his fingers touched the darkening bruise on his cheekbone but he was thinking, _It feels so fucking good to be back to work!_

Actually, other than watching paint dry or a televised golf tournament, Steve could think of nothing more incredibly boring that sitting at a desk writing reports. He'd always been grateful for Danny's skill at it. He thought it strange the detective had so quickly volunteered to help Chin and Kono go door to door helping HPD take statements from possible witnesses. The department was down several uniformed and plain-clothed officers because they'd been shanghaied to provide protection at one of Oahu's swankier conference venues. They'd be watching over a gathering of middle-eastern 'agricultural officials'. The governor had actually tried to corral Five-0 into organizing security for it but they'd been in the middle of the investigation leading to the successful bust.

Entering his office, Steve immediately spotted the small package sitting in the middle of his desk. It was wrapped in what he recognized as one of Five-0's standard requisition forms and tied with a colorful ribbon. There was no tag or card to indicate who it was from. He inspected the box carefully before deciding it wasn't booby-trapped.

Picking it up to curiously shake it, he heard only a muffled rattle. He slipped off the ribbon and tore away the unusual wrapping to discover beneath it a box with stamped gold foil lettering that read 'Island Pawn and Loan'. He felt his throat tighten as he lifted off the lid.

There, nestled in the fabric lining was his watch. He gently plucked it from the little cardboard container and looked at it a long moment before removing his inexpensive replacement watch and slipping the treasured timepiece onto his wrist. Taking a mysteriously shuddering breath, he reached for the card that had been tucked underneath.

The message written on the cream colored card read through teary eyes was:_ 'Fearless Leader -Thought you might need this. It's a necessity to have a waterproof watch if you're going to keep throwing people into shark tanks. Love, your ohana.'_

He was glad no one was there to see him wipe away the wetness that had suddenly begun to trail down his face.

**. . . . **

Even though it was no longer a necessity, he kept up the commute back and forth to Lanai.

He still had a few more days to make his decision about trying to return to reserve duty. Who knew if he could even pass the evaluation? _Physically_, there was no problem and even though his side still pulled a little when he stretched, thanks to Kip's ointment, (the one she'd used on Houdini when he'd been mauled by the boar), the scar wasn't even all that visible anymore.

He'd also used some on his arms but the scars there were still too new; red and raw looking. Maybe it was good to have a reminder of his stupidity. He knew that eventually they'd fade as well. Someday, they may even be invisible.

**. . . .**

He looked upward at the clear sky and relished the feeling of sunlight on his skin and the warm breeze that blew down the sloping pasture and made the long grass look like a rolling golden ocean. He'd miss this place when he returned to Oahu full-time.

The old dog groaned again as he pulled the stiffly bristled brush through the matted coat. Though it probably didn't even feel all that good to have his fur tugged on like that, the canine seemed to be enjoying the grooming.

Next, came a bath.

….

Kip looked out the window from where she stood washing dishes and spotted a tall man chasing a suds covered dog across the yard followed by six geese, three goats, four sheep and a one-and-a-half eared rabbit.

"Huh" she said to herself, "This should be interesting."

**. . . .**

He heard a car pull into the driveway. It wasn't the rumble of Cath's Corvette but the familiar purr of the Camaro. He wiped sweaty hands on the fronts of thighs covered by cargoes. He had no idea why he was this apprehensive about this. He'd actually been looking forward to it.

The front door opened and he heard Danny yell, "Yo! Rambo! You are about to be graced with the presence of a true princess! You ready?"

"Yeah, Danny. I'm assuming that doesn't mean you." he called back from the kitchen where he'd just finished making the salad and had put it in the fridge to chill.

Danny had finally all but begged him to let Gracie come over to see her Uncle Steve. Over the past month they'd gotten into it several times over the issue; Danny repeatedly apologizing for ever having any reservations about his daughter spending time around his best friend. It was one of the lingering issues Steve still hadn't gotten over whether because he still didn't feel Danny truly trusted him or that he still didn't yet trust himself. Though he hadn't had a flashback in more than a month and a half, it was still a worry for him.

The eager child burst into the kitchen ahead of her father before almost comically putting on the brakes and skidding to a stop on the vinyl floor. She looked unsure and her expression was mirrored on the face of the man she'd been so eager to visit. They stood staring at each other for a brief moment before Steve kneeled and opened his arms to welcome her.

He smiled as she came quickly forward to wrap her spindly arms around his neck and squeeze him tightly as she could.

"It's good to see you again your highness." he said as he closed his eyes tightly to keep any embarrassing moisture from leaking from them as he hugged her back.

The child didn't respond for a few moments as she clung to him with all her might before pushing away. Not wasting any time; dark eyes boring into his, she asked "How come you didn't want to see me Uncle Steve? Danno told me you didn't feel good but I still could come to visit and make you feel better."

He fought to control his voice as he answered the blunt but heartfelt question, "Gracie, I . . . I'm sorry I didn't let you come to see me sooner. I didn't feel very good and I was very sad and I didn't want to make you sad too."

"But, I could have helped make you happier. You told me you always feel happy when you see me."

"And I do, Gracie, but this time . . . I was so very sad I couldn't see anybody. I was kind of hiding for a while but Danno found me and made me come home." He had no idea how to explain this to a child as bright and scarily intuitive as her father without upsetting her.

"Are you happy now?" she asked, her smooth little face so serious there was nearly a crease between her eyes.

"I'm so so happy to see you. I haven't been this happy for a long time. I hope you forgive me for hiding from you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I love you almost more than your Danno and no one could love you more than him."

The dark haired child continued to solemnly stare, evaluating his words before saying, "It's okay Uncle Steve but promise you won't go hide again. It made Danno really sad too."

"I really truly promise I won't hide ever again from any of the people like you and your Danno; the people I love with all my heart."

Danny had paused at the doorway to quietly witness the reunion of his monkey and the neanderthal. He felt the lump in his throat grow to the size of a boulder as the two hugged one last time then set about finishing the preparation of dinner as though nothing had ever been amiss. Perhaps there was a lesson there. If Gracie could so wholeheartedly forgive the idiot then her old man should be able to. The lingering anger over what Steve had tried to do unknotted somewhere in his body and he suddenly felt lighter than he had in many months.

"Hey! No pineapple!" he yelled, rushing into the kitchen as Steve was about to plop some slices into the fruit salad.

**. . . . **

He felt he owed something to Kip . . . of course he owed her. She'd taken him in like one of her damaged animals and helped him back to the land of the living.

He knew she'd refuse any monetary compensation, (not that there could ever be enough of it for what she'd done), but maybe he could help in another way. He'd spoken with Howard and the two of them decided that perhaps it was now time to help Kip move on as had her Ua Kane.

During the conversation with the hardware man, he'd learned Joey's body had never been shipped home, whether due to financial issues or his mother's dogged denial of his death. He felt it wasn't right. A son of the islands should be returned to his home and his family. He hoped it was the right thing to do; he was going to bring Joey home.

**. . . . **

She stared at his peaceful face as he slept. He didn't look any different. He was still the most gorgeous man she'd ever met. The long dark lashes lay against his tanned skin, his hair with little flecks of grey in it was a bit longer than usual and its slight curl made it stick up in wayward spikes. Even that was gorgeous.

He woke as she shifted her body against his to lay her head back down on his chest.

"Hey." he said with a sleepy smile; ocean colored eyes looking down at her.

"Hey sailor." she greeted, turning her face upward to engage in a brief soft kiss.

"That was a pretty great reunion huh?" he asked with a wicked smile; the one that always made her dissolve into a puddle of want.

"That was the best reunion we've had yet." she answered with a wicked smile of her own.

"Even better than the one in Coronado? At the time, I know you thought that one was pretty awesome." he smirked.

"Yeah, well this one was better. You want to know why?" she asked, seeming suddenly serious, chocolate eyes looking upward into his.

"Why?" he asked curiously; coming up on one elbow to look more closely into her face; lustrous sleep tousled hair framing it like one would frame a portrait. At that moment, she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"Because we both finally told each other how we feel. It's not some stupid Jane Austen tormented secret anymore."

"Jane Austen?"

She rolled her eyes as he scrunched his brow while trying to figure out her meaning.

"Oh, that." he smiled again as he shifted to press her into the pillow while his lips found hers, stopping only long enough to whisper, "I love you too."

**. . . . **

He still wasn't totally convinced that punk Benji had no intention of shooting him but Hakoda had chosen not to pursue it.

The old cop, though seeming to be nearly a cartoon of rural law enforcement, was a capable and effective policeman. Steve had opportunity to speak with him a few times during dinner at Kip's and had been impressed by the man's knowledge of his island, its people and how to handle their issues.

Rabbit looked miserable at the possibility his mother could be romantically interested in the old cop. McGarrett, on the other hand, thought perhaps it wasn't all that bad an idea. It might keep the youth from being tempted to stray back into the clutches of the pack of troublemakers. After the SEAL had permanently returned to Oahu maybe it would help keep the boy on the straight and narrow.

Before he went back to work, he had something to take care of on the mainland but it took a bit of convincing to make Danny comfortable with his leaving the islands. Not that he needed the man's permission or even approval but he felt a duty to reassure his worried friend.

The SEAL finally had to forcefully remind Danny that he was all grown up and could travel by himself and, in fact, if the little detective didn't lighten-up and stop fretting over his every move, there were other issues to deal with - and they weren't Steve's.

_Damn!_ Getting away from his well-meaning but overly concerned partner was like trying to get unstuck from flypaper.

**. . . . **

When word came back that the burial site of Lihau Joseph Meluhia couldn't be located he thought it more than a little curious. Further, when his resources both sanctioned and otherwise came up with some intriguing questions, he had to get answers.

As the airbus circled inland to line up on one of LAX's east to west runways and he'd looked out across the greyish-orange air over the Los Angeles basin. It confirmed for him that life in Hawaii was a true blessing.

The traffic on the San Monica Freeway only reinforced it.

After what seemed miles of following a smoke belching semi and finally spotting the off-ramp for the Lorena Street Exit he steered the rental car down it. In another fifteen minutes he arrived at the address given him over the phone by one of his 'ex-military' friends before he'd left Honolulu. Carefully locking the car, he strode down the sticky sidewalk to stop before the nondescript two-story building.

The tall man pushed through the doors of the Whittier Boulevard Shelter for the Homeless. Inside he found it was cool and surprisingly clean and well-ordered.

A stout woman stood behind the counter to the left of the door. Above it was a large sign declaring 'INTAKE DESK. SIGN IN HERE. NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL BEYOND THIS POINT'.

"Excuse me." he smiled, immediately getting her attention. "I'm looking for one of your associates, John Mauritius, is he here?"

"He should be in about another half-hour if you'd like to wait." she replied, hazel eyes checking him out like a hungry dog checks out a T-bone.

"Yes, I'd like that, thank you." he smiled back at her trying not to squirm at the obvious scrutiny but also trying to work the charm that, at times, served him so well.

She directed him to a few plastic chairs lined up against the wall across the way. He realized she had a good view of him there and smiled at her once again before sitting and picking up a ratty copy of yesterday's _Los Angeles Times_ newspaper. The lead story was an account of a drive-by that had claimed the life of a ten year old. _Dammit, _he thought sadly then, after quickly reading the story, set the paper down and pawed through the rest of the messy pile of periodicals scattered about on the plastic seating.

In half an hour on the dot, the heavy glass door swung open and there appeared a man who looked to be a couple years older than himself. He saw the woman at the desk smile at the stocky man and lean forward to tell him there was someone waiting as she pointed in his direction.

The dark-haired man turned and took a step toward him with a smile and a curious expression.

"Joey?" asked Steve

**. . . . **

"So _you_ are the brown-eyed girl." declared Kip with a mischievous smile as she handed Cath a cup of tea. This time it was only chamomile. Steve had asked her not to give any of her 'special' tea to his girlfriend as she was still active military and could be subjected to testing for 'herbs' at any time.

"Uhh yeah, I guess so. My eyes are brown but who calls me that?"

"Your boyfriend. He told me his girl had beautiful brown eyes and he was right. He said they reminded him of Marilyn's."

"Marilyn?" asked Cath, wondering who this Marilyn was and if she should be jealous.

"My cow . . . well, my late cow." answered Kip trying to remember if she wasn't supposed to spill this bit of information.

"Oh, nice" said Cath. "So Steve says I have eyes like a cow?"

"He meant it in a good way. He said you had big soft eyes with beautiful long eyelashes."

"Well, in Steve's world, I'm sure having eyes like a cow is a high compliment indeed." she laughed, "They don't call him Smooth Dog for nothing."

"Smooth Dog?" asked Kip, eyes dancing.

"It's his SEAL name." answered Cath with a laugh.

"The things one learns . . . " tsked Kip shaking her head from side to side, an amused expression on her face. "Of all the names one could have given that boy; Smooth Dog is probably one of the least likely."

"Trust me." said Danny from his seat on the other side of the kitchen table; this time covered by a puzzle of fireworks bursting over the reflective surface of a lake. "You're not the only one who's ever said that." he snorted as he fit another piece of the puzzle into place. _This is actually kind of addictive_, he thought as the complex puzzle was starting to more resemble the illustration on the lid of the box it came in.

"So, will you help me with the party?" asked the 'brown-eyed girl'.

"Of course! A party would be fun. Haven't had one in a long time. Not since those narcs showed up and . . . uhh . . . never mind." she mumbled as she saw both Howard and Danny shaking their heads at her; Danny actually adding the universal motion of waving a hand before his throat meaning 'shut-up!'.

Cath saw them out of the corner of her eye and wanted to laugh but didn't want to embarrass anyone let alone the kind, if quirky, woman who'd had a large part in rescuing the love of her life.

Steve had told her everything and there was no possible way to repay Kip and Howard, (not to mention Danny), for what they'd done for Steve.

"So, by the time _Smooth Dog_ gets back from wherever he's gone, it will be party time." smiled Kip.

"So Kip, please tell me about the time the narcs broke up the party." prompted Cath, her eyes sparkling as both men looked about to swallow their tongues.

Kip smiled like the Cheshire Cat. She knew she was gonna like Stevie's girlfriend. Besides being beautiful, she was smart and had a sense of humor. The woman would surely have no trouble keeping the restless Ua Kane in line. "It's a really good story." she said, pouring another cup of chamomile for Cath and, from another pot, cups of herbal tea for herself and the two men. "It started out with the usual celebration at the end of the harvest . . . "

**. . . . **

"Why did you run?" asked the tall man as he sat across the table from the one who so resembled Kip. His stocky build, curly hair and bright inquisitive eyes left no doubt he was the offspring of Kip and Malu Maluhia.

John/Joey, looked down for a long moment before sighing and answering. "I was so fucked-up. I realized I had to leave when I hurt my dad. It was just too dangerous for me to be around them. I really don't remember much about that time, just the feeling that I needed to get away."

Steve nodded in understanding as he thanked the waitress who refilled his cup before she hurried away to tend to another table.

"How did you wind up here?" asked Steve as he took a sip of the dark bitter coffee that no amount of sugar and cream could tame.

"I had some friends here from my time in Iraq. They offered to put me up until I could get it together again. I owe them my life."

"Why didn't you ever go back home?" asked Steve as he eyed the small group of obvious gang-bangers who'd sauntered into the busy coffee shop.

It seemed they were only there to meet their tight-jeaned, sloe-eyed girlfriends waiting a couple of booths over. The tall man relaxed a bit and returned his eyes to his companion.

"I don't know. After a while . . . after I'd found out my dad had died and had been buried for two months before I even knew about it, I guess I was just too ashamed. It just seemed easier to let them think I was dead."

Steve couldn't quite get his head around why someone would intentionally abandon his mother when all he had to do was get back on a plane but he very well knew the distorted reasoning that can be part of the disorder. "But how were you able to have everyone think you were dead?"

"It worked out kind of by chance. Someone had stolen my I.D. and then, when the asshole who'd taken it wound up dead in a bar fight in East L.A., it just seemed like a good idea to stay that way."

"How did you get away with it? Didn't the coroner's office catch on when they ran prints against your driver's license?"

"It's kind of like that line in that movie 'Chinatown'. It's L.A, Steve. There are ways to get around rules in a place that had nearly 900 homicides that year and an overworked medical examiner's office."

"Lucked out there." snorted McGarrett.

"Plus," continued Joey, "it doesn't hurt to 'know people'."

Steve nodded. It was a term Danny frequently used when relating tales of his time spent as a Jersey cop and the sometime difficulties of conducting a successful investigation. Greasing the palms of the right individuals or having access to those who held power was a way of life in some places. Why should Los Angeles be any different?

"Anyway, the asshole who stole my I.D. was nearly a dead-ringer for my driver's license photo and fit my general description so it wasn't as difficult as it could have been or _should_ have been. A few bucks for someone to 'misplace' evidence and voila."

"So, even with all the rules and procedures in effect since 9/11, you still pulled it off." said Steve shaking his head whether in admiration or dismay, Joey couldn't tell.

"The patriot act maybe made it a little harder to do but not impossible."

"Guess not." was the tall man's succinct reply.

"Probably couldn't get away with it now. They've gotten a lot better about fake identification and stuff." said Joey, musing to himself.

"You know, your mother still thinks you're coming home." stated Steve waiting for Joey's response. The expression of surprise on the tanned face across from his was quickly replaced with one of profound sadness.

The two men who'd both nearly been lost to their demons regarded each other silently.

**. . . . **

For a while it was a hot debate as to whether the luau would be held on Oahu or Lanai. Steve didn't much care which. The McGarrett house had always been the gathering place for his ohana's celebrations but Kip's place had plenty of property on which to party plus no one had to worry about kids wandering off to get into trouble in the surf. Of course, a goat might eat them but it was unlikely.

McGarrett was still surprised someone would actually try to out argue his fierce partner but he knew Kip had a few more years of experience to hone her debate/intimidation skills. She'd certainly had enough practice on her animals and anyone else who may have fallen into her compassionate clutches – himself included.

Howard had nudged Ua Kane, (he still called him that), to tell him his money was on Kip as they watched from the old chairs set on the grass that ran down to the sandy beach behind the house.

She stood with feet firmly planted, hands on hips and bosom thrust forward as Danny debated his point in his usual kinetically adorned way; Kip matching him word for word if not gesture for gesture.

"That woman can out argue the devil." said Howard in admiration as both watched; transfixed by the 'Great Luau Debate of 2013'.

"I wouldn't count Danny out yet." said an amused McGarrett, "He's the most dogged person I've ever met. The little guy never gives up!"

"Yeah, but he's never gone against Kekipi Meluhia, the woman's a freight train and you do not want to stand in her way when she's on a mission." chuckled Howard before he took a long pull on his beer.

After several more heated minutes, the argument . . . err debate was apparently over. Both parties smiled and shook hands before coming back toward where the two men sat in the shade.

"Okay Rambo" announced Danny actually looking a little worn as he came up to them running his hands through his hair, "Party's on Lanai."

A surprised Steve and the not remotely surprised Howard glanced at each other, the older man silently mouthing, "Told you so".

"Okay, great. I assume you'll make the arrangements for everyone to get from here to there?" asked the tall man as he took another swig from his Longboard.

"Yeah, yeah. Gonna start calling people in a couple minutes. Maybe our large entrepreneurial friend can help out. I'm sure he's got an entire fleet of cousins and boats. We'll work out something."

"You do know I'm perfectly capable of handling the logistics myself don't you?" grumbled McGarrett, still a bit sensitive about looking as though he couldn't take care of his own life.

"Yes, Steven. I do know that but having an amphibious landing craft storm the beaches of that dinky little island or dropping everyone from a plane to parachute in probably won't work all that well."

"Danny," smirked the SEAL, "It's way too rocky on the northern shore. There's nowhere for a decent beach landing and throwing Kamekona out of a plane - even with a parachute - is a little too scary . . . even for me."

"What's this about an assault on my dinky little island?" asked Kip walking up to them after fetching a couple of iced bottles from the cooler and handing one to Danny who smiled his thanks before twisting off the cap.

"We're trying to figure out how to get everyone to your place for the luau." answered Howard

"I'll talk to Malu's nephew Kamekona." she answered, "Easy."

….

The McGarrett house was all abustle as the guests prepared to leave. They were going to meet the boat commissioned to transport everyone directly to Lanai. Steve had insisted on paying Ha'upu as well as inviting him and the crew to the luau.

Those waiting to pile into the two SUV's were: Danny, Gabby, Grace, Cath, Kono, Chin, Kamekona, Charlie, Max and A'ala, (most of the men were still amazed their quirky little M.E. had managed to snag such a gorgeous companion), as well as Dave Esquivel, and the O'Maras.

Steve had invited the doctor who'd had such a huge roll in saving him from himself and he truly liked the Alfred E. Neumann doppelganger. He was pleased the shrink had immediately agreed to come to the 'Welcome Back' luau.

Bill O'Mara and his wife Junie had decided to take their vacation on Hawaii this year and were also part of the celebration of Steve's return to Five-0. Danny's current partner had immediately offered to put them up at his house for the duration when he'd heard of Danny's former partner's impending visit.

He'd ridden along with the ex-Jersey detective to fetch the couple from the airport and after greeting Junie and her husband a little awkwardly, (the vague memory of being slung upside down over the big man's shoulder making an unwelcome appearance in his head), it was as though he'd known them forever. He enjoyed the back and forth between 'Tiger' and his ex-partner. His plan was to get one of them drunk enough to spill on the origin of the nickname.

…..

The group disembarked at the marina and Howard was there to pick everyone up in his battered old Chevy. Three of the women plus a protesting Gracie, (Danny insisted his daughter ride in relative safety fearing one good bounce and she'd fly out of the back of the truck), squeezed into the cab. Cath and Kono rode in the back with the guys - the two adamant about not being favored just because they were female; besides, there was only so much room in the front.

The other three women had no problem with riding on a cushioned seat rather than the metal bed of the pick-up. Danny, mumbling that his ass hadn't yet recovered from his last ride in the back of the truck belatedly realized Steve wouldn't even remember it. He immediately shut-up, not wanting to answer the question posed in the quirk of his partner's eyebrows. Steve wasn't going anywhere now. There'd be plenty of time to talk about it later.

Kamekona's bulk challenged the vehicle's suspension and the strength of its passengers as the men managed to tug him across the lowered tailgate and into the bed of the truck.

The laboring vehicle, packed to the max with passengers, slowly made its way to party central.

As they reached Kip's and the truckload of soon to be partiers disembarked, Steve was immediately assaulted by what seemed a heat-seeking missile - the happily squealing Mary Ann.

"Mary!" said Steve in astonishment as she threw herself into his arms, "How did you get here?"

"I came in yesterday and decided to surprise you instead of showing up at the house. Danny arranged for your friend Kip to put me up. She's a trip! Do you know she used to grow . . . "

"Mary!" exclaimed Danny as he grabbed her arm and said, "Let me introduce you to my friend Dave Esquivel." He dragged her off leaving a still stunned McGarrett staring after them.

The luau was already in progress. All of the locals Steve already knew were there plus several others from other parts of the island, (Kip's family no doubt). It was Danny who introduced him to a very large woman named Nanala who bore an unfortunate resemblance to their shrimp truck entrepreneur.

Everyone cheered as Kip and Joey appeared on the back porch. Steve, (as was pretty much everyone), amazed at her transformation. Her hair had been tamed into an actual style, (Mary Ann's work), and soft ringlets framed her face. Her jeans and T-shirt had been replaced with a gauzy aqua colored dress. Her son was resplendent as well in linen slacks and a custom made Kekipi Meluhia Hawaiian shirt. He looked overjoyed to finally be home. The reunion between mother and son had been painful, tearful and every other adjective one would care to use but both of them glowed with happiness as they stood there.

"Aloha nui aloha!" greeted Kip, "I'm so happy you all could be here to help celebrate with us."

"Aloha!" was the response from the crowd.

Kip, looking out over the gathering of friends and family, turned to hug Joey so tightly that Danny and pretty much everyone else thought the poor guy's eyes were going to be popped out of his head from the force of it.

Releasing her almost blue looking son, Kip yelled, "Well now, let's get this damned shindig underway!"

The party stretched into the wee hours; celebrants all having a grand time as music, food and love flowed in abundance. The only hitch in it all had been when the goats made their appearance. They'd gotten loose and eaten their way through half of the buffet before being corralled. Koa had managed to knock down only Chin and Joey before following his little harem back to the pen.

The old dog now named Aumakua wandered through the crowd eating whatever was offered him; allowing a few quick pets in exchange for the food before moving on. Eventually he found Steve and shadowed him the rest of the night.

**. . . . **

"No offense Rambo but your sister could use someone like Esquivel. She's a little out there."

"I know that Danny but . . . does it have to be my damned shrink!"

"Relax, he can't tell her anything. It would be a violation of patient-client-you-know."

"This is a disaster."

"Come on babe. We _are_ 'Disasters R Us' aren't we? This is just a minor one. I'm sure he'll figure her out quickly enough and the thrill will be gone. Mary can only keep it together for a couple weeks at most before genetics kick in."

"Hey! That's my sister you're dissing!"

"Don't I know it."

**. . . . **

Before the party wound down, Kip raised her glass toward the two men sitting on either side of her at the head of the long, main, table. Howard, Cath and Danny beamed happily not too far away.

"This luau, as you know, is to welcome home my son, Joey. I never gave up believing he wasn't dead and, finally, I had someone to believe with me and who traveled so far away to bring him home to me."

There was a happy rumble from the crowd as they all raised their glasses as well.

I would like us all to drink a toast to my son Joey and my other son, Stevie . . . err Steve, she corrected. "To their return to the people who love them."

"Aloha"

*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*

**Would be lovely if you'd let me know your final thoughts on this story. Have very much enjoyed writing it for you.**

**Next Five-0 story won't be for at least a couple of months. It will probably be a lighter one. El Gato del Diablo needs the exercise**

**I know there are a couple of things still unresolved; thinking of writing a short piece to get them taken care of. If you'd like to remind me of something or would like to suggest anything, please let me know.**

**Aloha**


End file.
